Bastard after work summer pint drinkers!

Sunday 6^th April

The Mr got in at 2am babbling about being the ice hockey champion, awful chav pubs and then went off to the loo to be sick complaining about having to drink nasty lagar but still had a good night. Had a pretty nothing day to be honest to top the pretty nothing weekend. We caught up on some Game of Thrones ate some nice food and stripped some walls. Why is it the thought of decorating is always brilliant? Brilliant ideas of colours and designs and the end result. Weeks into stripping walls you fucking hate it and can’t even remember what the end result is going to look like! How do you even decorate the top of the stairs? How Am I going to be able to wallpaper that top corner above the stairs without trying to kill myself?! Its a massive chore right now and we just don’t seem to be getting through it. Ugh being a grown up sometimes sucks ass.

Me and Mr D have perfeced the perfect healthy Sunday roast. Some nice lean meat, roasted carrots and parsnips in honey, greens and the perfect vegetable mash. Mr D has recently decided its his mission to make perfect vegatble mash. His recipe consists of half a swede, one potatoe and a parsnip. Without just one potatoe it just doesn’t taste like mash but half a spud each seems to make all the difference. We could probably do with cutting down on the rich red onion gravy but overall I think we do pretty good. We always make enough for the following day to put on a shepards pie or to have with some slow cooked stew.

Maybe I should do a cooking blog with some of my better ideas?

Monday 7^th April

Trying to stay focussed that this time next week we’ll be off on a family holiday dogs and all but its hard. Work is a bit complexed right now so I joined a Union today. Being the tight arse i am Ive never wanted to pay out but I guess its best to be safe.  I was on edge this morning after a phone call and then when I got to the pool car it had no fuel and with the head teacher off there was no way of getting the fuel card or petty cash this really made me mad that I had to use my car for Leicester again.I planned a nice day today doing a project with my student about going to the cinema and going off to see Lego Movie. Bonus that another student had a issue with taxis and I took her along too. One of my key children that I currently don’t see alot of so it was a really nice day with the girls. I was hoping to find time to get them something to eat before I went in by the time I found it there was no spare time so I got them a big popcorn between them. Turns out they didn't like popcorn so I had some so it was not completly wasted!! But popcorns not too bad for us is it? or is that just a certain kind of popcorn. How bad is cinema popcorn?! Bloody hell why does it have to be so complicated?! Then took them out for lunch and we ended up in a noodle bar. Noodles seemed a healthy choice for my lunch but the chicken they added looked like it was in some kind of batter and sticky?! Why can't people just cook healthy??? A noodle bar sounds fucking healthy but they just chuck oil and sugar and fat at everything! I swear people just want the nation to be obese!! Tried not to eat it all but I was hungry!

Ended up going to the cinema again this evening becasue I got it for free! Can't turn down a freebie! So off with a bag of diet coke and a bag of fruit and nuts for more cinema. The Mr had popcorn which I was really off after the afternoon but by the end I was bored of my little raisons and cranberries and chucked in a few pieces of popcorn for good meisure! Film was pretty poor I prefered Lego Movie :)

Tuesday 8th April

I bought some new gym gear. All in sizes at least 2 sizes bigger. When it comes to my gym clothes I think the baggier the better. I bought a sports vest in the sale knowing I will never wear it! Hoping that one day i will have the confidence to wear it and not feel like a whale. Not be that fat bird who shouldn't be wearing that gym wear! and why am I so unstylish when it comes to the gym? Leopard print hoody with ears, baggy polka dot top, lycra trouser, stripey socks, trainers and a polka dot cherry bag. I like to think I'm quite stylish and like to match my look but when it comes to the gym theres just no answer!! Theres no gym top that pulls in at the bust then flows out and i need to cover up the rolls so baggy is the only answer!

As promised I went to Total Tone tonight. Even though its at 7pm which is a stupid time for exercise. Why are there no classes at 5pm?!I walked in to a class full of fitties. Only a couple of slightly plump ladies I was deffo the most round but I didn’t feel uncomftable. I knew how Kat worked and i knew I could do it. I maybe a fatty but I don’t give up easy I’ll give it everything I’ve got! It was exactly what I thought it will be. Short bursts of exercise. Weights, mountain, climbers, squat jumps. Kat was brilliant keeping you on it, keep you positive and motivated!! The girls were great and they seemed genuinely happy that I made it. If I’m ever going to do this its with this lot around me!!

Wednesday 10^th April

Today I woke up hungry but I quickly forgot about it when I tried a skirt on thats never fit properly. I’ve had it years and have never been able to do the zip up to the top. I normally just leave the zip a little bit open and took it over the top then cover my top over the top of it. This is a pretty good achievement!! I may not be weighing myself and not seeing the results I want straight away but this is exactly what I’m aiming for!! Today at work marketing were coming to take our team photos. For once our team was getting recognised for the work we do and it was pretty exciting. I’m not a fan of having my photo taken. Those who see my facebook would not believe this. I’m happy taking many photos of myself because I’m in control of exactly what angle its taken. Many fatties get the art of selfies spot on! Its quite a talent. Take the photo up high, no chins, plenty of bust, no bingo wings and no rolls!! People can look like complete different people and I guess if thats what you want brilliant! Its not very true to life though, who are you kidding?! If your not willing to be a pic of you in a silly space suit pulling a stupid face then whats the point?! But still I was worried about what angle this lady was going to come in at. As if I had a fucking spot on the end of my nose? Im worried about my extra chin and then I get spots too?! So the woman got right in my face, I’m really not sure I’m going to like the outcome!! I asked for it to be airbrushed but I’m not sure she took me seriously. Damn.

Thursday 10^th April

I can not moan about this week at work today. Originally I was down for something which I felt was not safe. Mr and Mr B had a good debate about we will regulary have a debate over a behaviour situation at work. There is no answers where we work we don’t know all the reasons why our young people act like they do so you often bump heads trying to come up with solutions. Me and Mr B have regular debates where we’ll thrash things out quite a bit. He may be Deputy Principle but hes also my brother we know how each other work and we know were both trying to do it for the right reasons so we always come up with a happy result in the end. Were also good at thinking outside the box I think its a part of the role. You have to think of different ways of educating our young people. Anyway it resulted with one student not turning up and a nice afternoon out with another member of staff Miss B and one student at the Science Museum. It was fabulous we tried many costumes including alien costumes that looked like ‘a very hungry caterpillar’ we also went into the planetarium. Miss B had a bag of shortbread and i just had the one little round one. I find it hard to stick to healthy eating when I’m happy I don’t tend to think about it as much when I’m busy having fun. Fabulous day.

I really was going to Monotons class tonight but the sun was shining and I just could not stand the thought of spending an hour listening to her boring voice and just making up the moves because I don’t know what i’m doing! I opted for a power walk in the sun with the pooch. This wasn’t quite as energetic as I’d hoped as Scruff decided to stop and sniff/piss up every lamppost, bin, tree, mound of mud, piece of litter on the way.

Friday 11^th April

Last day of term everybody was in good spirits. Off we went to laser combat. Unfortunately quite a few of our students didn’t show up which is a shame as working as a team is something many young people need. Many people need. Two teams Mr and Mrs B were on on the other team with the 3 students and I was on the staff team. Laser combat is like paintballing without the pain or mess. Running around the field doing different missions. Capture the flag, carry the box and shoot the laser. You can choose to hide behind a bunker and shoot or just leg it around a field trying to shoot the other team ! I choose the latter. The last mission being the most exhausting. You couldn’t get out so everytime you died you had 30 seconds to zoom back to the base and get life back. I did this many times and ran in and out of the hut desperately trying to beat the other team. I am competive my family on the other team are equally competitive this helps when it comes to burning calories. We were all just going for it. Sweat was pouring off me. Our team won. I very fun work out. I wish I could do that once a week. My boss who spent alot of her time behind a bunker was moaning that she ached and it was the most exercise she’d done in a very long time. My boss is a lot thinner than me. I’m alot fitter than quite a few people I know that are much thinner than me. I can’t help but feel annoyed by it sometimes. I put the work in and currently have slow progress why they do no exercise and eat cheese butties and breakaways everyday.

It was a lovely day and I knew Kat would make us do something outside at the PT session tonight. I dreaded it. I spend so much of my time trying to look the best for my size. Getting my hair nice, make up and dressing to get the best out of my figure. I feel vunerable and competly out of my comfort zone in my gym gear exercising in public.  I don’t want people to see me like this at all. Everything gigerling and woberling around when I spend all my time sucking it all in! But today wasn’t so bad. We jogged together to the park which didn’t seem as bad as usual as everyone was chating which took my mind off the fact we were jogging. We jogged past everbody enjoying a pint outside the pub. Thats what I’d like to be doing but pints arn’t going to get me thin! Bastard afterwork summer pint drinkers!  I reminded them I was away next week and that I wouldn’t be eating too many fish and chips. Kat kindly reminded me how much fat and calories were in fish and chips. How can I go to the seaside and not have one lot of fish and chips on the beach?! I’ll have a portion of salad please whilst everyone tucks in! It’s that simple obviously?! We then did some dips on the park bench before doing some more sprinting. Great! I was ready to give it some! I Pulled my thigh on the first sprint. It really hurt it was genuine not any kind of excuse. I tried to do a few more sprints and really gave it some when Kat joined in but I was really struggling. The session went quick. We did step ups on the tyre for 2 minutes. I did shit. I stopped way more times than the others. I need to do better. I need to push my self harder. On the way back I could hardly drive I nearly gave up and rang Mr D but luckily I didn’t have far to go. My thigh was killing and was making me feel sick. Mr D had to help me and ran me a bath.

We went to the shop to grab a few bargains and he bought chips and dips. For some reason today this really got to me. Its Friday night were staying in and the Mr just wants some chip and dips. No big deal. Yet to me it is a big deal something so normal yet I can’t do this I can’t sit and eat treats like lots of couples around the globe are doing! I got home and I just felt upset. Mr D didn’t eat his chips and dips we had a hot chocolate. Hes a good egg but I felt bad that he decided not to do that to help me. I just wanted to eat chips and be ‘normal’

He said I needed to rest my thigh and that I shouldn’t go to my dance fit class in the morning. I said ‘we’ll see’

Saturday 12^th April

Off I went to dance fit. My thigh was still a little twingey and my foot was also hurting but I powered it out at Dance Fit. The Instructer is pregnant I felt concerened for her doing some of these movements. Shes still c ompletly giving it some surely squats will squash him?! Isnt being pregnant the best ever reason to sit on your arse and let people run around after you? I bet the day I will finally get thin I’ll get pregnant that will be just my luck.

I went to weigh myself as I’ve been back on track and feeling much better for the last few weeks.

_ stone 2lb. Thats only 2lb down since I last weighed myself in February! Put my positivity right back down again.

Its my dads birthday today. Hes been dead 3 and a half years. I havn’t gone to put flowers down, it wasn’t my dads style. I had a drink for him which would have suited him much better. My dad is probably one of the reasons I have weight issues today. Dad was a alcoholic which triggered my emotional eating from a young age. Going out to get a bag of chips when dad was in a drunken stuper was away of escaping and getting enjoyment else where which was quick and easy. I loved my dad but now I’m 30 I can look back and see the side effects of growing up with a alcoholic parent and how they are still with me for this day. I hope hes at peace now in the end he was a very troubled man but he’ll always be in my heart.

Happy birthday dad.

Cous cous is just shit rice

Sunday 29^th March

Clocks went forward so lost an hour which made it even harder to get the Mr out of bed! By 11am we were out and about had a quick nosey at the carboot but we were a bit late. Mr D then fancied going out for lunch. We drove out and about round Amber Valley and spent a while looking for a nice country pub to stop at. When we found one we had to wait a while for it to open at 12. We both just fancied a nice sandwhich. It was a sunny day and a good sarnie with homemade coleslaw would have just been perfect. We asked if they served food and she said yes so we bought a drink. To then be told there was a choice of lamb, beef or chicken roast. Crap! Hungry and a bit miffed we’d bought drinks we soon left. We then drove around and found another pub we thought would deffo serve food. It didn’t. After driving round for some time we were about to give up when Mr D spotted a beautiful looking pub that said it served food! FABULOUS!! Again we bought drinks and sat down to then be told they were just serving the three course meals on the board. Looking round everybody was dressed up smart and I was just in carboot zone in my hoody, converse and my hair chucked back. By this point we were pretty pissed off after our drinks we stormed off and ended up in subway.As Mr D so perfectly put it ‘Welcome to Amber Valley the place where you can’t get a fucking sandwhich’ We  sat outside on a retail estate, not exactly what we had in mind but at least we got our sarnie! Even the toastie machie wasn’t working so we couldn’t even get it toasted!! THE WORLD IS AGAINST US BUYING A FUCKING SANDWHICH TODAY!! We spent a beautiful afternoon out a huge park near my brothers new house. Walking and talking whilst my neice slept attached to my brothers back. The pooch had a good run and I had a good bit of exercise. KNACKERED!!

Monday 30^th March

I woke up feeling knackered and grumpy. I went in to work to find out I was in Leicester and driving my own car. Fuming and emotional. I’m supposed to be in school on Mondays and have my 1-2-1s with my students but no being shipped off again. I just wanted to cry. I think it was probably was because I was tired. After my student finally started working I picked up a bit and didn’t once give in to my healthy eating.  Got the student a lunch and headed to the back of the library in the usual spot. Some busy body lady came over and told us we couldn’t eat in the library so we put our food aside and started some work. Another worker then came over and asked us to leave. I said to her politely that we weren’t eating we’d put it away. She said the food was too smelly and we needed to leave. It was a good job I was with a student so we left. ‘That lady on the next table smells of piss are you kicking her out??!!’

Tonights booty shaking class wasn’t easy. My arm was aching and my tattoo kept catching on my top as well as my usual wedgie problems but I powered through! The instructer obviously worked hard too as when she was thrusting and twerking all you could see was her massive vagina sweat patch. No armpit patchs just vagina sweat. How do you even sweat that much out of there? Maybe she’d just let out a little wee.

Tuesday 1^st April

Whilst on my usual dog walk before work i thought it would be amusing to send a few April Fools pranks not thinking they would really fall for it. I sent one to my boss, my bro and my amigos to say I’d had enough I wasn’t coming in and I was going on strike. Now I thought the women would fall for it but not my bro. He fell for it hook line and sinker! I was getting full in depth texts about getting Union backing and the effects long term when I was actually on my way to work actually loling! So off to work with a smile on my face. Not for long. A lovely student decided to tell me I look pregnant. This is not one of the older students being bitchy bcoz I’ve told them off this is one of the younger students just saying what they see and being honest! FUCKING PREGNANT?? This is one comment I’ve not had before. Why did she have to tell me at 5 past 9? At least if she’d told me at the end of the day I wouldn’t have been so conscious!? Now I’ve got to try and do my cardigan up differently to cover up my stomach but I look unbalanced. FUCKS SAKE. Spent the day sucking in and standing with my hand over my stomach.

I had a meeting in Leiceter so I set off 15 minutes early so I could have my lunch break trying on that dress in tesco. They didn’t have the original one but had the other one I liked. Disappointed I had to get the usual large size but it did look really nice. Clothes sizes are such bullshit! I can fit in clothes on all different sizes in all different shops. It just takes the piss how can your size vary so much?! And it zaps the self confidence out of you when your 2 sizes bigger in one shop than you have been in the previous. ITS BULLSHIT!

Found a nice deal for a second hand Laura Ashely garden set today. I’ve been after a nice large garden table for ages. Asked a few questions and I agreed to come and collect. Then the post seemed to disappear. He had then relisted with one extra item for £40 extra! Fucking rude idiot!! I told him he was rude to. I thought that was quite pleasant of me considering. Then he  tried to get me blocked from the group. TOSSER!! Was also hoping to book a holiday tonight but again we had a problem. We’d found one we really like but it seems to have gone up in price. For fucks sake!! Both of us disapointed!! Why are people trying to fuck with me today??!!

 Wednesday 2^nd April

Went for a 50s a line skirt and tied up shirt today felt good about it theres been many times I’ve not fitted into this skirt. I went into a class room and saw my reflection and actually thought yes I look quite nice today. Then I sat down and I just looked like a wide blob. How can I look so different standing up and sitting down?! I’m never sitting down again!! Then I went off to Leicester very successful day with my new student at the outdoor ed centre. Only down fall when I tried to fit on the general size harness it just wasn’t quite fitting so he had to go and ge me the next size up L BLOODY BASTARD FAT THIGHS! Everybody had the general size one and they had to go espically and get the larger one for me. BASTARD. On the way back as the rain got harder my windscreen wiper flipped over and started bashing my windscreen. I stopped and put it back in place but there seemed to be a circle scratch now on my windscreen?! About a mile down the road and the right wiper started going abit crazy going over the edge of the car. Why did it have to be the right one? I least I could still see infront of me if it was the left one!! I then got out again as lorries zoomed pretty close to my ass and the whole thing came off in my hand!! I then had to attempt to drive down the M1 with no wiper and it was pissing it down!! Straight to the garage where the Mr gave me a new wiper but I need a whole new windscreen. It could crack at any point. FUCKING BRILLIANT!! Bag of shit!

I was going to give the Wednesday early class a go again that wasn’t great last time I went but it was a really good time. Why isn’t there any classes at 5pm? That would be perfect timing!! I missed that class being at the garage.

Homemade burgers for tea! Feels like a treat but actually not bad at all! Unfortunately we had Moroccan cous cous with it because I bought it for 10p I’m not a fan of cous cous is just shit rice but for 10p we’ll have a crack anyway.

Thursday 3^rd April

I’m getting bored of porridge but I find other cereals arn’t as filling. I eat breakfast as I’m working in the morning so it is hard to avoid the toast but the majority of the time I’m good at not given in to the thick buttery goodness. At breaktime students had made cornflake cake and custard I was the only person in the whole school that didn’t go in for some in the kitchen. There was all the usual ‘just have a small slice’ People think there helping but it really makes it harder its so easy to say ‘go on then’ but today I didn’t. From 11am I had my new student. I didn’t plan the fact that I was taking her for lunch and I didn’t have time for a break until after 3pm. Bugger. I was starving and in KFC with her. What to do? There were just big menus in front of me with so much goodness. I just kept thinking in my head ‘no fries, no fries, no fries. Think Kelly Brooks swimwear’ I opted for a chicken salad wrap and corn on the cob instead of chips. I don’t think that was a bad option. My student was really tempting me with ice cream. It did look really good but did not give in! We then had a food lesson where she made me a cupcake and I secretly gave it away later. I’m impressed wth myself.

Then I went to triple challenge with plain Jane monotone lady. As I walked in I passed her at reception and she didn’t look at me. As I walked out of the toilet right outside the exercise room she was going in she looked straight at me. She didn’t smile, she didn’t say hello. There was only 4 people in the class not surprisingly when she was so unwelcoming!!The class got started and quite quickly I switched off to her boring monotone voice. For such a dull looking and sounding lady her music taste for her class surprised me. Justin Timberlake came on full blast ‘She want it, she want it, I want to give it to her’ ‘like a nympho’ ‘why don’t you sit down on top of me’  This disturbed me, all I could think of was that this plain Jane was actually some filth bag nympho. That in her spare time she was like the woman in the video. Gyrating in front of a window in just her underwear and stockings. Dancing on a chair pretending a invisible Justin Timberlake was there was her. I actually did a little snigger out loud at the thought of this. Plain Jane getting excited over Mr Trousersnake. Ha. This kept me amused through the whole class. I had no idea what was going on half the time. The regulars got it but she didn’t show us how to do it. She showed the low level which wasn’t anything like the higher stuff. Her voice just sounded low and distorted over the sound track like being at a noisey train station and trying to work out what there saying. I just did my owns moves. Some nice superman moves on the step and I worked myself hard.

We had stir fry for tea. Everytime we have stir fry for tea we end up having super. No matter how many different varieties I do they never quite cut it. Watching Master Chef didn’t help. I love Masterchef!!!So happy its back on. Gives me some TV time and the Mr gets his x box time. Normally it doesn’t make me hungry it just gives me ideas for cooking. Half a bagel with pate for supper. First supper of the week so could be worse.

Friday 4^th April

I’m carless today. Car is in the garage and is going to cost me a few spondoolies that pissed me off. Then my sandwhich smelt a bit off today. Normally I would power through I have a stomach of iron but you have to be a little careful with chicken. Thats the only problem with getting bargains you do need to eat them within a few days and this is day 4. Probably pushing it a little bit. Had to make do with a crisp butty. There were weight watcher crisps so only about 5 in the bag! Cock bought me a kinder egg it only weighs 20g and thats with a toy so that can’t be that bad for me. Can it?

£180 fucking pound to have my windscreen wipers fixed and thats at a discount dealer price! How can such little things cost so much money?! Cancelled my girls night out Saturday suppose I better take my new dress back too. FUCKS SAKE!! The Mr is mad because I’m really pissed off about it but I’m not pissed off at him. I’m pissed off because its a lot of fucking money and I’ve still got to buy a new windscreen yet!!! I HATE FUCKING CARS!

I’ve struggled not to munch today. All the pissed offness has given myself a headache. Why do I let things get to me so much? Luckily Mr D managed to find me a better option a cheap lets glue it together with super strong mechanic glue and see how it goes option. I took this option but my car still wasn’t ready. After a boring afternoon of meeting and training I was concerned I wasn’t going to make it to my PT sess. Theres no way i was going to cancel. I need to be on it!! Manged to get sorted and make it just in time. Todays session was brilliant just the kind of thing I like. I lifted tyres and we sprinted. Maybe we did sprinting to boost my confidence as its the one thing I’m good at or maybe it was just coincidence. The first sprint I had plenty of energy and smashed it. The next 3 I only just won with J right behind me. The last one I was bollaxed and gave up and just jogged. I’m annoyed I gave up  and didn’t give the last one my all. I shouldn’t have gave up. I felt good and I felt motivated. The girls are really good they are positive and encouraging but not in a annoying patronising kind of way. Kat posted a pic of J this week at the beginning less than a year ago and now 5 stone lighter. She looks amazing. I want that to be me. In 10 months time I want to have had a amazing achievement. I’ve decided to rethink my exercise. I need to do this seriously and I need to use J and Ss enthusisum and support and go along to some of this hard core classes with them. They met Mr D tonight when he met me after the session and they called him Mr D. Makes him sound like hes my Mr Darcy or something. I like it.

Saturday 5^th April

Woke up still positive and motivated and left Mr D in bed whlst I went to dance fit. It was busy but Sarah the instructer is the complete opposite to Monotone woman. She smiles and says hello to everyone who walks in, no wonder her class is full. She has the funniest expressions really over the top espically if she does a wrong move. She’d be great in a silent movie. My fave regular was there Len. Len even deserves to have a name in my blog. Hes like a dancing Santa. Anyone that has been going to any classes at Moorways in the last 10 years will know who Len is. He turns up to a lot of the classes and just does his own thing. Does his own moves sings very loudly to his favourites and shouts out random comments. Always happy and hes a pretty good mover for such a old guy. I like him, I’d love to video him hes so funny. He is rather odd and sometimes whispers strange things in your ear but hes one of the few people I am happy talking to in class.

We then got ready and went off to celebrate Mr Ds Nans 70^th and being treat meal I was looking forward to have some good tasty grub. For starter we bother ordered loaded potatoe skins. Now the clues in the title! There was nothing loaded about these potatoe skins! There was 2 greasy potatoe skins scraped out with a small amount of melted cheese swimming at the bottom and a thick slab of barely cooked bacon just sat on the top. I reckon they were skimpy on the potatoes and instead putting the potatoe back in the skins they were using in for mash! SKANKY BASTARDS. I realised the place was run by a old couple that had been there a long time so maybe loaded skins were just too modern for them. I felt more confident about steak and ale pie and chips for main and it wasn’t bad. Unfortuantely chocolate cake and custard for pudding and 2 white wine spritzers made me very podged. Everybody else had the same. Three unhealthy courses but nobody else was over weight. I felt guilty for eating too much as everybody else was happy and merry. Sometimes it just doesn’t feel right, it feels unfair. Some people can just eat what they want, how does that make any sense?!

The day went down hill when I cancelled the night out. The Bessie was driving, another had cancelled and the other was saying she was shattered. It was pain in the arse for me to get to and I would have to catch a bus home to a rough area where I’d probably get robbed as I then had to get a taxi to get home. FUCK THAT! Not for a half hearted night. I’ll wait for a proper sess thankyou. The only other offer I got was to go and see Ladyboys of Bankok. No thanks. I don’t care if youve got a cock or not I don’t really want to spend money on seeing people prance around on stage. I was actually quite happy to stay in and watch some shit TV whilst the Mr when out with the bro.

I must be old happy to spend Saturday night in on my tod!!

JUST BECAUSE I'M EATING HEALTHY IT DOES NOT MAKE ME A RABBIT!!

Sun 23^rd March

Up early which didn’t matter as I’d passed out by 9.30 last night time to do another carbooty and shift some junk out of the shed! It was steady and i stood there people watching for most of the morning. You get a variety of people at Derby carboot!! There was a odd looking girl that stood out for all the wrong reasons. She had red hair shaved on one side that kind of looked like a Mohawk that had grown out and just flopped to one side. I mainly noticed her as she was wearing a vest that looked over stretched with everything bursting out. The sun was shining but it was freezing I had my thick winter coat but you get some that the second they see sun out go out half naked. In the time I was staring at this odd contraption walking towards me it took me a good few minutes to realise that hanging off her arm was Twat. Now at first I found this amusing and then I realised they were getting closer to our stall. Mr D had never seen Twat. I tried to talk loudly as he approached the stall so he’d hear me and fuck off but he was too thick for that so it wasn’t until he spotted some of his old shit on my stall that he realised and quickly scuttled off. I told Mr D. Not sure if this was the right thing but i just tell him everything automatically. I joked he should have smashed him in the face and soon after Mr D went for a ‘walk’. Such mixed emotions. I would love to smash him in the face thats the least he deserves but unfortunately Twat still has a hold of over our house. Dirty fucking BASTARD! I felt like warning the poor odd girl what a complete and utter scumbag he was. Mr D returned looking shifty. Shit what had he done?! He was tempted he followed him a bit. I hope Twat saw him, he would have shit himself he was such a pussy!! Many thoughts had gone through Mr Ds head but he made the right choice and came back. No matter how much he deserves to be beaten to a pulp hes not worth our time or energy. This kind of tainted my day I just wanted to go home close the curtains and snuggling in our little nest with Mr D and the pooch. It was strange later on I saw my other long term ex I won’t call him a name but equally he doesn’t deserve to be known by a letter. Derbys a small place he now lives round the corner from me, his garden backs on to ours but I havnt seen him until today. It just felt like someone was trying to tell me something. My past slapping me in the face, but for what??

Food plan and exercise plan for the week done! I’m back in control!!

Monday 24^th March

Today felt good to wake up and be in control again. I felt positive and knew that nothing would stop me today. I put my jeans on. I don’t normally wear jeans, not because I don’t like them but because I can never get a a pair that fit me well. The nearest I can get on the tall range at Dorothy Perkins. I’m 5ft 8 so not a giant but I often find trousers riding around my ankle area. Not cool when I’m wearing one red polka dot sock and one inside out mans blue sock. I decided to wear them as my legs look pretty good in skinny jeans. Not the thigh area of course bur a nice long top will cover that nicely. So I’m pleased that they look okay in the mirror but they are not particularly comftable. They don’t seem quite long enough in the body. I don’t want muffin top hanging over the edge of my jeans and I don’t want my arse hanging out of my jeans when I’m sitting down. Theres nothing worse than seeing arse hanging out. I mean can’t you feel that your whole arse is on show? Is there not a chill down your crack? And even worse when you have a fat arse like mine. That would really not be a good look for me. I put a belt on to try and stop the arse situation but this meant a belt digging into me all day. I think I may give the jeans a miss for a while.

I made a poster of my head on top of a model modelling the Kelly Brook swimwear range. I stuck it to the fridge at home and on the food cupboard at work. Mr D thought it was hilarious but I'm hoping it will keep me focussed.

Went to the booby shaking class. There was one of the regulars stood at the front. Long blonde hair pulled back, small, fit, matching Tiffany silver neckalace and braclet, inside ear piercing all in black. Moves perfectly like shes in a Pussycat doll video. I overheard her conversation with Camp man saying she always stands infront of the doors so she can’t see herself in the mirror. That she can’t bare to see herself in the mirror because she looks awful. Nice to know I’m not the only one even though it took me by suprise. I guess its not just lumps of lard like me that don’t like to watch ourselves shake it!

Tuesday 25^th March

Started the day positive and wearing a skirt that I havn’t worn for a while because I couldn’t do the zip up. The zip was pretty busted probably after all the times I spent trying to squeeze into but it was defiantly nearly up! Started my day with porridge blueberries and banana and was feeling positive and in a good place. By 10am the smell of meat pie had filled the whole school. Our school is really small so anything cooking in the kitchen spreads throughout the school. This loses the appeal when something burns and the smells lurks around all day.  I was still feeling positive and good about my 5 day plan for food and exercise when the ususal difficult day kicked in at work. If you don’t work in a similar environment you really have no idea how physically and mentally draining the job can be. By lunchtime I’d spent a good part of my day on the physical side. Lifting a 14 year old for reasonable amount of time must be good exercise. Though I was using one side of my body more than the other. Better not do that too often or I’ll end up completely hench (in the words of the kids) on one side and not so much on the other. Maybe I can say to the student ‘wait don’t kick off why I’m on the left hand side it needs to be the right hand side this week’ Obviously there is no time for warm ups. The bottom of my back, shoulders and neck are killing as well as a kick I took to the hand which was already bruising.  I’m knackered and just want to go home. Tuesday is my work late day so unfortunately the gym is off the cards today. Not a excuse.

This evening I cooked stir fry. I bloody hate stir fry but still cook it usually once a week. I can normally pick up a good pack of stir fry veg and a pack of noodles for 10p each so even though I’m not fond its a good cheap healthy meal. I’ve worked out that chilli is the answer to improving it. I marinated the prawns some sliced up tuna all day in chilli and coriander and added a good amount of sweet chilli stir fry sauce from B and M. You can pick them up for about 19p each. Having B and M home stores down the road from where you work is handy for some good bargains but equally very tempting to spend money on candles and cushions and anything else that’s on offer that week!

I do love a bargain.

Wednesday 26^th March

Average day but didn’t end up finishing until 6.30. I was really hoping to go to a class tonight. Kat runs a class on a Wednesday 7.15-8.15 which I was going to but as I sat in traffic back from Leicester 2 hours after I was supposed to finish all I wanted was some nice food and a glass of wine. So that is what I did. I’m not much of a casual drinker I’m a all or nothing kind of girl. Don’t really see the point in just having a couple of drinks. I don’t enjoy alcohol really so I find it a little pointless. But we cracked open one of my birthday bottles ate some chicken and quinoa and watched some Kirsty on the tele. I do love a bit of Kirsty Allsopp especially when she’s looking at bargains. Furnish your home for free? Yes please!! Its got me back in decorating mode. I need to finish scraping that wall and making it look fabulous!!

Caught up on My Mad Fat Diary. Beautiful ending where she gets naked in front of the fittie! Good for her. I’m probably way to into this programme than I should be but she maybe a 16 year old fictional character but I can relate to some of her issues. Its hard getting naked in front of others when you can’t bear to look at it yourself.

Thursday 27^th March

I’m at that stage in the week where I’ve been eating healthy all week and already feeling loads better. My stomachs less bloated my clothes are feeling a little baggier and I just feel better in general. I need to remember how this feels. The food blog does help, writing everything down so you can see how well your doing. Nothing at work is tempting me, not even the smell of pie which was floating through the building again today. Not even the bag of seabrooks ready salted crisps that were left on the side in the kitchen. Crunchy ridged salty yumminess. I’m back in the zone!!!

Went out for dinner in one of the many nice pubs in Ashbourne that do none chainy home cooked pub grub. I thought there would be a fair amount of things I could eat on the menu but unfortunately there wasn’t. You then find yourself in the fight or flee situation. Do you fight and stick to your healthy eating plan or do you just think fuck it and eat what you want. There were a choice of salads and people are always quick to say ‘ooo you can have a salad’ I don’t want a fucking salad! A salad is something I eat for lunch every day something I can put together myself in 2 minutes! If I’m coming out to eat and everybody around me is eating something tasty I want something fucking tasty too! JUST BECAUSE I’M EATING HEALTHY DOES NOT MAKE ME A RABBIT!! Every meal came with chips or dolpheni potatoes. I can’t have either. I opted for steak fajitas I thought this wasn’t a bad option. Sizzling steak, peppers and onions. I didn’t eat all the wraps and tried to go light on the toppings. It was tasty and I think I did okay. Pretty chuffed with that.

Friday 28th March

Shit has hit the fan at work today. I’ve had enough of this bullshit  I was actually happy to fuck off to Leicester. Took my student to tesco to pick her lunch and they had some beautiful dresses! Yes in tesco! The kind you’d wear to a nice spring wedding (not that I’m going to any) With it being pay day I was very tempted but my usual size looked on the large size. Unfortunately if I took 10 minutes to try it on my student would be hanging from the ceiling with a croissant in her mouth and you don’t have such thing as a break. A wee is considered a treat most days. Then I went off to see my new student. We went for a game at Megazone. Now I consider Megazone a competitive sport. Its serious, there’s no way I am going to loose. I intend to win every time. None of this keep the children happy let them win. What is that teaching them?! There was only 4 of us in there me , student, lady who worked there and Herman Murman. Hermon wouldn’t leave me alone he’d appear round every corner and shoot me.How is this little chubby kid who seems to struggle to pick up any speed keep appearing infront of me?! I never seemed to be able to shoot him first I swear he had some invisible force round him so he couldn’t get shot. Little bastard Hermon won hands down. I was happy with second place. A successful afternoon after only seeing her 4 times I’ve managed to get her from I’m never ever fucking going near that school the only way you will get me there is in a police car. ‘Can I come up next week?’ This is why I am not a teacher. My job is to engaged the unengageable and that is what i do best.

My personal trainer session had been cancelled for this evening so after rushing around all day I then rushed to get to the dance fit class. Theres was a sign on the car park meter ‘class cancelled’ i took this as a sign to tell me I’m just not supposed to exercise today!

Decided to relax instead made a healthy homemade pizza and butternut squash chips and we watched ‘saving Mr Banks’ amazing film. Didn’t even bother with a glass of wine didn’t want to waste any calories.

Saturday 29^th March

Up at 6am I must bloody love my mum! Mum was really keen to do a stall at Willington today so even though I was feeling bloody knackered half asleep I was loading my car full of crap when all I wanted to do is have an extra hour and snuggle up to the Mr. As I guessed it wasn’t worth our while and we hardly made any money but my mum was reasonably happy that a few quid is better than nothing! I then dashed home to make a healthy apple pie for this evening Mothers Day Meal and then dashed off again to get tattooed! I like to treat myself to a tattoo with my birthday money every year. Something I think is beautiful. I’m not sure why I went for my arm again because I hate my arms and by getting them tattooed really its only getting people to look at my really fat arms?! But equally its covering the fat up with beautiful things?! I went back to the guy I used to have, hes pricey but you have to pay for quality which is more important than ever when getting inked forever!!Hes a celebrity tattooist these days so its hard to get in with him! He’s recently done Harry Styles, JLS, Rizzle Kicks, Dappy??!! Even been on GMTV lately. Nothing but the best for me! 4 hours later and I was very happy with the result!! Rushed home to get everything ready to take over to the brother new pad! I wasn’t going to drink but the Mr and the bro had decided I could drive, leave my car and get a taxi home. To be fair after my busy day I quite fancied a drink so I didnt object!

Saturday night was now treat night!! Whoop the Mr and I did some nachos with cheese and chillis and roasted peppers for starters!!  Followed by Mr Bs southern fried chicken style curry rice and garlic bread. MASSIVE CARB FEST!! And with alcohol in full flow I was not skimpy on my portion size. After even more drinks we had some of my healthy crumble with some cartedor vanilla ice cream for pud! Unfortuantely 2 marshmellows and chocolate sauce just don’t cut it for me! I wish it did!

Then rapideo came out. Great game and I do like playing games but I CAN’T BEAR CHEATERS!! Not on any level. So I automatically get really annoyed when people start cheating. This often causes conflict at family gatherings and saw me boot my brother out my house on New Years Day. The mums were drunk and playing on the same team and they were cheating. I just don’t see the point? Why play a game if your just going to cheat?! FUCKS SAKE!!! I bit my lip after my bro kept giving me the look but I just don’t want to fucking play if people are cheating.

CHEATERS NEED TO FUCK OFF!!

Shit I'm 30

Sunday 16^th March

Suprisingly didn’t feel too rough today. I was awake early which I always am whether I went to bed at 10pm or 4am. Took a while to get the Mr up he was feeling a little more sensitive than me. He was gutted about the amount of money he’d spent on Mcdonalds and not eaten so of course there was only one answer. Suprising lythe big mac we shared didn’t taste too bad warmed up. The fries not so good. We had a stroll round the carboot for some fresh air and then went to the pub to pick everything up. Gutted all the food had been binned. I thought we’d be sorted for packed lunch for a few days with that lot . I hate waste and I didn’t even get to sample Mr Ds mums coleslaw which I was looking forward to or one of those monster cake pops my cousin made. There was a few slices of mermaid cake, a hand full of sausage rolls, cheese and a mound of unopened discos and mini cheddars which were nearing their sell by date. (obviously I got them cheap) Even though the sun was shining outside we headed home and snuggled up on the sofa with crusty bread, cheese and last night chicken nuggets.

It was like my birthday all over again I had loads of cards and pressies. Though everything had mixed up and I had to ask who had bought the beautiful Cath Kidson cutlery set. They were from Mr G. Should of guessed that. Cool and stylish grown up present. It must be because I’m 30.

Shit I’m 30.

Monday 17^th March

Today we were short staffed again. Me and Minge got the place sorted. We were down to cover food lesson 5 and 6 but the food order had not been done. This also meant no toast for break time. This could cause uproar. Toast and routine are very important in our place. Between us supporting back to back lessons I managed to come up with a lesson that fitted in with the work they’d be doing. Wrote up some recipes and wrote a list of ingredients. Our school needs certain staff to take charge or nothing gets done. I guess some people are born leaders and others aren’t. I then managed to go out and get the shopping for the week for food and general items we needed but before I left I got pulled up. ‘Your going out to take Mr D his phone then’ I’d actually forgot about this. I’d mentioned to Minge this morning Mr D had forgotten his phone and I’ll take it to him on my lunch break. Bearing in mind he works 10 minutes away and I can do whatever I want on my lunchbreak. A manager then took that information missing out ‘on my lunchbreak’ and told Deputy Principle/my brother. So I worked my arse to cover lessons and go above and beyond as usual to be bollocked about something that was innocent again??!! So thats Friday and now today that management have blatantly lied about me when I am one of the members of staff that work my absolute ass off and doing so much extra for this bullshit??!! ABSOLUTLY FURIOUS!! UTTER BULLSHIT!! FURIOUS!!

Nipped in to see my mum after work couldn’t help but get upset.Just had enough of the shit but still went on my way to my Hippy boob shaking zumba class. I was driving down when I saw him. TWAT. I felt physically sick. Just to explain to those of you that don’t know Twat is my ex boyfriend. I nearly married Twat. It was booked and I thank fuck every day I found out before I made that huge mistake. Twat lead a double life. The things he did I’m not even going to start to talk about but it involved multiple deception, head fucks and a secret child. I would love to say I never have to think about him or have anything to do with him ever again but I made a big mistake. 1 month before all this came out I put him on my mortgage. My Mortgage to my house I’d had for over 5 years. My pride and joy. I’d put all my love and everything in to paying for my own house from the age of 23 and now this FUCKING CUNT OF A TWAT who I’d actually attempted to sort the house out after the split and spoke to him amicably which he didn’t fucking deserve said he’d sign the house straight over to me. He then changed his mind and because he some how managed to hear I called him a Twat. Sorry do you not deserve to be called a Twat after everything you did to me? He then tried to take half my house which quickly then asked for £5000 instead to cover expenses such as the deposit his parents put down for a wedding? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!! And that is currently we we are at. I told his solicitor it was joke and I would see him in court. That was October. I’ve not heard anything since. I have a plan and its in action. RANT OVER. I NEVER WANT TO SEE HIS UGLY FACE AGAIN!!

Tues 18^th March

Still feeling a bit all over the place. I taught food again today with my emotions being all over the place I just ate what I wanted. We cooked sausage rolls followed by healthy pizzas which I ate and I didn’t care.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not sad about my past, I’m not angry or feel sorry for myself about what happened. I would go through it all again so I met Mr D. I believe everything happens for a reason and we all get what we deserve in the end. I couldn’t ask for anything more than what I have now I just wish I never had to think about it again and I got my house which is my house!!

TODAY I DON’T CARE. I don't care that I'm fat or that I ate sauage rolls I just want to hide under the duvet.

Wed 19^th March

My early night feeling sorry for myself has made me feel better and more awake today but still struggling to find motivation. No matter how much you try and plan and be organised sometimes you just don't know who your going to see, if your going to get heabutted at work or how your going to feel on a daily basis. These arn't excuses this is just life getting in your way!

Made myself go swimming today. Trying to get my mojo back and get in the zone. Swimming gives me time to ponder over things. Today i was thinking about if I die I would love to be a Eva Cassidy type figure. That my work would get noticed and my blog would turn into a book and then a TV series and thousands of people would laugh and  recognise the same issues I face. Lets hope I don’t die just yet and I actually get  abit thinner before I pop my clogs.

Mr D has bought a x box one this may be a awful thing or it maybe a great thing. Tonight I see it as a good thing. ‘Hun you have a night on the x box don’t worry about me’  and off I potter for a relaxing bubble bath, pjs on and sat in bed to watch My Mad Fat Diary. Tonights episode really got me thinking. She decided to sleep with the other mad guy and as she went to take her clothes off he said ‘no need for that neither of us are a oil paintings’ though this made it easier for her because she doesn’t have to worry about getting naked its not a very good feeling knowing the person your sleeping with is not interested in seeing you naked. This made me think quite a bit. I suppose no matter how unhappy you are with yourself its got to be a good thing that the other person wants to see you naked. Never thought of it really like that before.

Thursday 20^th March

An average shity day at work.

Facebook is doing my head in. Its full of random birds you once worked with or went to school with close ups of ther faces without make up. Half of them don’t wear make up in the first place so feels rather pointless. So there all saying ‘Here is my none make up selfie for cancer awareness’ Do not get me wrong I’m all for making money for charity and supporting a good cause but how is that raising awareness or making money? People are just using it as an excuse for a close up pic of their face!! So I did one myself but mine said ‘I’ve donated my £3 for cancer research and included the number to the text to sponsor. If were going to do this lets do it right!!

We had a healthy tea tonight but we end being starving by 10pm. We sat in bed watching TV when stomachs rumbling we got the idea in our head we wanted crisps. This is bad enough when one of us gets this thought ast least the other one can try and talk sense. Nope we both wanted crisps so we had one each but we didn’t stop. One bag was just not enough like naughty children we ran downstairs and got another bag each. It actually could have been worse Mr D wanted to go down for a 3^rd!! We didn’t. BASTARD GAVE IN TO THE CRISPS AGAIN.

Friday 21^th March

Nice to be wanted at work today. Was originally supposed to be going out to Leicester as the student out there works well for me but I was asked for to work the football tournament. Can’t moan because it also meant I got free breakfast at Franky and Bennys. Eggs, bacon (I took off the fat) and beans, nice change from my porridge and banana. Unfortunately I didn’t play any football that would have been a nice bit of exercise in work time! We used to get lots of opportunities to do exercise in work time which is always good but it has dried up a bit at the moment then tend to send out the men that are good at football lol.

I’ve decided next week I have to start my health kick seriously again. Its getting stupid now I’m snacking and grazing at work and I’m not even contemplating saying no or that shouldn’t be having it. This afternoon it was my idea to get the biscuits out! MY IDEA!!! I can’t even blame being tempted by other peoples goodies. It was my idea and I hang my head in shame. Tonights PT session was good as always Kat worked us hard. The other 2 girls are doing so well. Theres nothing on S. She has the tiniest waist. They both wanted to get measured tonight but there was no way I was going too. I’ve been celebrating my birthday for weeks and slipped back in to old habbits I don’t want to measure myself. Everything of mine will be double S. J is doing amazing she looks so good. She talked about how she had treat night last night at Cosmo. (The buffet I went to the other month) her treat was 2 marshmellows and a small bit of melted chocolate??!! When am I going to get to that stage?? The stage where I don’t even want a treat anymore?! I can’t imagine ever getting to that stage. Kat measured my waist even though i wasn’t kean. I made sure it was away from the other girls its just embarrassing next to them. I cried on the way home. Upset that I’d slipped and let myself down again. I always let myself down. I got home and failed to hide my misery to Mr D and even though all I wanted to do was hide under the duvet he convinced me going to one of my fave pubs for some nice food would cheer me up. I didn’t really want to get ready but I did and I was pleasantly surprised when the barman happily changed my chips to sweet potatoe and changed the onion rings to salad. I checked out my measurements at the end of bootcamp. The measurements say I’ve lost 11 inches in 7 weeks since bootcamp on my middle. This did cheer me up maybe I hadn’t fucked up completely and these healthy meals I cook and exercise is still paying off or more likely and I’m pretty sure this is the case I didn’t measure quite the same place as Kat did so its probably a lot lower. Either way any inch loss is a win.

Sat 22^nd March

Feeling much better today, feeling positive and ready to take this on to the full again!! We decided to change treat night to Saturdays. It just doesn’t feel right working so hard at my personal trainer session on a Friday to then have a treat straight after. We went for a nice dog walk burnt off a few calories before heading to Notts for a afternoon drinking. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go at first I don’t have a lot in common with Mr Ds friends. There very geeky and into there ale and talk about musical instruments and other geeky things. I really just don’t have more in common with them but it had been a while since I’d had a nice cheeky afternoon drinking and the sun was shining! I instantly regretted it I struggled to find anything to talk to these people about. Don’t get me wrong I have nothing against these people. Mr Ds best mate is lovely geeky little man that wears his waistcoat everytime hes out for somebodies birthday. I like him but as a group geeky conversation was in full flow. As we arrived in Notts the heavens opened, 15 minutes walking later we arrived at our destination. Soaked to the bone and looking awful. They had no light beer which is what i fancied so I opted for a spritzer. No lemonade. I was struggling to keep my cool. 2pm and on the straight wine not my best idea. Mr D then got me a homebrewed apple cider. I’ve been avoiding all the lovely fruity sweet ciders I used to drink regulary as Kat told me to steer clear as they are just pure sugar! BASTARD!  Always have to stay clear of the best stuff. bBut this was homebrewed stuff without all the crap .A few pints later and I was much happier, the group had split and we were in the lest geeky half which I could just about deal with!! Many drinks later we arrived home sitting in bed. I was trying to find somewhere that did nice healthy curries with good chunks of meat and vegetables in town. I nice curry house we could go to without all the oil. Do they exist? Why can't there be restaurants espically for people clean eating?? We we that drunk we couldn't handle a restaurant anyway and had a curry ordered in bed by 8pm.Turned out it didn’t really matter as it was so spicy i couldn’t eat much anyway. Obviously this pissed me off. BASTARD CURRY HOUSE! And they forgot the rice!

ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!!!

Sunday 9^th March

There was a grand breakfast this morning but to be honest I was still pretty full from last nights late night feast. I grazed a bit but didn’t go crazy. Luckily as I entered the breakfast room there was nobody in there so I filled my bag with mini bags of museli and yogurts. Normally buffets have those little mini cheeses which are perfect to pop in the handbag but they didn’t have any of those. Its not like its stealing because if I was on full breakfast eating form I could polish off quite alot. We then went for a swim. I say a swim but we did 2 lengths before getting distracted by the outside whirl pool again. Like children we played in there all morning. As well as going for a quick steam room followed by the snow room which is literally a room full of snow. We had a quick snow ball fight in just our swim wear and then back to the whirl pool. A couple got in to the pool, a young girl in a bikini a size 16/18. I didn’t think she had a bad figure. She had extra bits but she didn’t look gross. She had a sizeable arse. I did ask Mr D ‘is my arse as big as that?’ He said no. We had a bit of a discussion if I was bigger than her. He said she was a lot bigger than me but she really wasn’t. Is that just Mr D in his rose tinted glasses? I’m not sure. I am lucky that I am even fat. I’m well spread. Theres people I see that arn’t even that big but have huge cankles where fat even pours over their socks. Or just huge thighs and arse. I’m just nicely fat all over. My arms are pretty big which can be annoying when buying coats but my legs arn’t too bad at all. I have pretty good legs for a a fat bird.

We went back to Chester and spent the day strolling round the shops in the sunshine. Had some nice pub grub. A steak sandwhich with homemade coleslaw. Coleslaw can be so good when made well. Then it was time to go home. Feeling happy but exhausted we headed for home ready for birthday celebrations!!!

Monday March 10^th

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wide awake at 5.50am Mr D told me I had to go back to sleep until 6.45. Well obviously I couldn’t get back to sleep. I wondered around a bit, had a full conversation with my brother then I woke him up! I’d had my weekend away which was a incredibly expensive weekend bought for me from the Mr. I opened my cards and some smellies and then opened my special present from Mr D. He and my brother made me a CD of those 2 playing and singing my favourite songs. It was one o the most thoughtful presents I’v ever had. Homemade gifts are always my favourite. The thought effort and time Mr D and Mr B put into is just amazing. I could not wish for a better boyfriend than Mr D. Nothing from the past even comes close.

I got to work to be presented with goodies and homemade cake. Minge had made it look lovely for me and spent time making me a chocolate cake. We were then both told that we were both off site. I was off to Leicester as usual. We had to rush off leaving all the lovely goodies. On my usual journey to Beaumont Leys I sneezed and missed the exit. That is genuine. Some of the things that happen to me I couldn’t even make up. So I sneezed and missed my exit and I then spent the next 45 mins driving round in circles and adding 60 miles to my journey not a great start to the day. I was half an hour late picking up a student, the plus side was I was in the work car so at least I’d not wasted my own petrol. After a few hours I headed back to school to find out that the squidgy fresh cookies I’d hid in the fridge for just me and my favourites at work had been eaten. Staff had given them out to students. BASTARDS. Can’t stash anything at school. Greedy gits. I popped to see my Nan and Granddad who live round the corner took them some of Minges cake.  I tried to squeeze as much of my fave things in one day as possible. On the way home I popped in to see my beautiful neice and then went to meet one of my best friend Miss O’s new little baby. What a fabulous treat meeting her it was too. It was only 18 months ago I’d set up Mr C and Miss O and now hear they are with a tiny little bundle of their own. Next stop home to get showered and ready and see Mr D. Me and the family went to Cherry tree. After opening lots of pressies and eating some grub it was time for the cake counter!! There was so much choice but nothing really screamed out. There was a mars cake and a twix cake, now if there was a snickers one that would have won hands down!!  I opted for a lemon cake which was petty damn good. 3 glasses of wine later and my birthday was all over.

I am no longer a fat bird turning 30. I am a 30 year old fat bird.

Tuesday 11^th March

The plan was to get straight on the health kick. 5 days until the party and I still have a skirt I need to fit in to!! Today went well. Made myself a huge healthy omelette for lunch and felt on it. No snacking. Organised. Went home and did some gardening. Spring time seems to have hit and when the suns out it makes you so much more positive but something always gets in the way. The fucking lawn mower blew up. A piece flew off and it began making a loud noise and shaking but I carried on mowing the lawn all the same. This went on for 5 more minutes before it made a big boom noise and started smoking. BOLLOCKS. I was so close to finishing too now there just a large long patch.

Disappointed that a few of my buddies that were travelling to be at my party can’t make it. The Deal was supposed to fly from Dubai but was too sick to fly. Its a real shame he knows how to party!!

Wednesday 12^th March

Starting off supporting a PE lesson which was just a nice jolly to the park where we completed our Sports Relief mile. Then I had to go off to Leicester again. This is starting to get on my tits now. I hate driving and I’m in Leicester nearly every day at the moment.  Fucking Leicester. I met my new student and it went really well. Took her to Mcdonalds and I was good and had a diet coke whilst I watched the others eat things I can’t have. Mcflurrys and warm chicken and chilli wraps mmm smelt so good. Its hard watching thin people stuff there face. People say its simple to lose weight. Eat less, exercise more but what about the people that don’t do either? That remain thin and stuff their faces with whatever they want. How does that make sense??

Went to the circus tonight. Mr D got some free tickets. We had a small box of popcorn between so we didn’t go too crazy. The circus was shite. The opening act was a man playing with a glittery tennis racket. It was like being on holiday at 2*all inclusive resort in Turkey. Piss poor and just weird. Left at half time.

Thursday 13

Oh what a fucking suprise off to Leicester again!! They might as well pay for a travel lodge for me because this is getting ridiculous!! All I want to do is chat to my buddies about our outfits and song choices but I’m never bloody there. Breaks are rare in this place. I was hoping for a little make up trip with Minge for party make up but not even had chance to see her let alone a make up trip!! It can be a long day when your teaching/ entertaining one student all day. I got back to school at the end of the day happy to finally see my chums. Whilst filling out endless paperwork we were finally having a natter about songs to request for the party. My boss had promised I would not be in Leicester the following day. 15 minutes before finishing time management told me I’d be showing a student who I rarely work with round 2 different colleges in Leicester tomorrow. I don’t think so!! Not to be big headed but the problem with being good at your job is that people put on you all the time. Well not this time! I would like to see my own students at some point!! Not happy. Had a word with the boss not sure it did much good.

Was hoping to make the triple challenge class but had to go to mums to get my outfit after the final touches! Pissed off but trying to stay focussed that its only 2 days until my birthday party!! FUCK U LEICETER!!

Friday 14^th March

Its party eve!!! ITS PARTY FUCKING EVE!! Nothings going to fucking piss me off today!! I got up and the dog had done a massive shit in the kitchen. I opened a bag of lentils and managed to spill them all over the floor. I hovered them up and managed to hoover over my big toe ripping half my nail off. FUCKING STUPID DAY. Took me off the Leicester gig at work but obviously somebody was not happy about this and made a passing comment that on Friday I’d sat and done my playlist for 2 hours. Which is interesting as I only got chance to sit down for 45 minutes and only one of the mangers came down for approx 3 minutes. This may seem like a small thing but in a place like ours when your constently working in a stressful environment putting yourself in danger, working your arse off staff well being is fucking important!! I got angry then upset. In general 2 or 3 people will get upset in our place once a week when it all gets to much. Once I left off some steam and had a big Cock cuddle (whos always on hand when your upset) I was back on track again. ITS NEARLY FUCKING PARTY TIME!!

First I had to do my PT session. Armed with my new arm i pod holder and a playlist I’d put together which I thought would help with my jog. I arrived for Kat to tell me she’d read my blog and there was no way she was sending me jogging now. RESULT!! But for some reason I had mixed emotions on this. It feels weird Kat reading this. I went on the treadmill instead and stuck to my well thought out upbeat tracks but it was hard to hear over some awful banging dance music but I powered through. Killing in the name was my fave jogging track. The rest of the session I thrusted hard, planked and squatted. Really hoping that tomorrow I wouldn’t suffer all the aches and pains I got after every PT session.

Spent the rest of the evening food shopping. Going from supermarket to Supermarket trying to get some good bargains for the party. I didn’t do bad. Early night ready for the big day boooooooom its here!!

Saturday 15^th March

The early night did me good I was up and ready to get my buffet on! Mr D went off to work I cranked my juke box up and got the sauasage rolls on. It wasn’t later until I realised I’d been blaring my music out since 8.30am oops. After 4 hours I was done. 7 pizzas, sausage rolls, chicken bites and surprisingly only a few had passed my lips. I nipped to the shop to get some extra dips and a bottle of Amerreto . You can’t get ready for a big night out without a few cheeky ones. I get to the self scan and the red headed Mohicaned man watched me put through all my items before asking me for ID. I had no ID I told him I was 30 so he asked the assistant next to him who was no older than 20 she said she wouldn’t serve me either. She had braces and teenage spots who was she to tell me I can't have my amerreto??!! and don't even get me started and mohican man! On a average day it would be nice to be told I look younger than 18 but not on a day that I have no ID and want to buy FUCKING ALCOHOL!! I’m fucking 30 for fucks sake I could get served at 14 and now I can’t get served at 30! I got home to find my new driving licence on the doorstep.FUCKING TYPICAL.

After spending more time than planned setting up the room ready for the party mainly because a lady of approx 113 years old was trying to clean up the room from the night before. Saying this was being done at a snails pace is a understatement, my mum kept offering to help her as she was worried she may keel over just picking up the dustpan and brush. Once the bunting and pretty paperchains were up, polka dot table cloths filled the tables with stripped pots with nuts, sweets and chocolates. Full spread was in the corner my mum had worked hard preparing a feast of filled cobs and my cousin had made me a amazing mermaid birthday cake as well as monster pop cakes and moustache cookies. The M theme in full force everywhere!! Now just time to get pampered. I was tempted to go and weigh myself beens my whole big plan for the year was to loose weight for this party. In the end I decided not to as well as Kat telling me its about inches I didn’t want to be disappointed today. The big thing was I fitted in my skirt. The skirt I’d ordered at the start of the year that didn’t fit now fitted nicely. This was my big aim and I should be proud of myself for that.

After a long bubble bath, grooming and nails painted. I gave myself a shimmery face with silver and blue detail. Wig on and my amazing tail skirt that my mum made. Blue underbust corset and beautifully decorated shell top I was ready to party. Me and the Mr took a few pics. He was looking good as Mad Max. We took a close up selfie where I don’t even look like me, my face looked really thin! Best photo ever thats defiantly going in a frame and my profile pic and every else I can put it! Whoop get my thin face!! Unfortunately the follow up photos were not so good. I just looked so wide. The top bit was okay the corset sucked things in nicely but the bottom half just looked massive. I tried not to dwell on it and even without a drink in my head I was ready to go out! Sitting down is a problem in a underbust corset luckily it was only a short drive to the pub in the taxi my face was litteraly in my boobs. I opend the door to a large posed school picture of me at 15 with a large penis drawn on my head. My bro had filled the room with photos of me. Old and new. Good ones, random ones and just bloody dodgy ones. Some doodles on my head and amusing comments. I was told there were even ones on the back of toilet doors with relevant phrases to go with them. I’m sure people really wanted to see my face as they were taking a drunken dump.The effort people had gone to with their costumes was just amazing! The most talked about outfit of the night was Mr Ds best mate that had come as a map! So simple but brilliant. My step brothers girlfriend came as Marge Simpson this has to be my favourite complete with homemade hair out of cardboard, cotten buds and a bit of blue paint! The variety of costumes beginning with M was just fantastic. Mr Ds family all turned up and met my family for the first time. It went well. A friend of mine took photos for me. Everybody drank, ate and had a good time. I was pleased with my performance I didn’t peak too early and only got drunk in the last few hours. This is really good for me. I didn’t really have much time for buffet just had a slice of pizza between glasses of wine. Karaoke got into full flow. Even though the Bessie decided not to drink so no crazy antics she sang my fave song ‘ Fields of Gold’ she sings it so beautifully. Luckily Minge was there to dance the night away with me and we really did go for it. The cool kids arrived late a grand arrival from a good old buddy Mr G. Perfect timing for tequilas! One of my last memories of the evening was making the barmaid pour my nan a massive baileys on ice! The night finished around 2am where a very drunken Mr D decided in the taxi home he wanted to stop for a McDonalds’. I couldn’t really be bothered but asked for a chocolate milkshake. We got home shoes in hand, surprisingly wig still on. Mr D had bought a banquet but no chocolate milkshake this did not go down well under the influence. I headed off to bed with Mr D following shortly after.

Thats it birthday over!

My head was touching her lady garden!!!

Sunday 2^nd March

Finally a free Sunday morning that we can carboot! Up fresh and early with a car full of crap and cashnut butter bagels and also 2 crossiants. I know I know! I fell into the trap of buying what was cheap and cheap time. 2 fresh crossiants for 10p how can I walk away from that? I usually buy these goodies and give them away. Come into work armed with doughnuts and fresh bread even though I can’t eat it. Its cheap too not to buy I want rather just treat my fellow collegues.

The rest of the day was spent doing general Sunday things. Pottering around before a relaxing evening and of course my bubble bath. I hate looking at myself in the bath. When everything is naked and scrunched up. Theres no where to hide anything. My tyres are just sitting there infront of me looking fat and round and horrible. Its like when you stretch out and everything flattens out a bit so you don’t feel quite as bad about yourself. Not in the bath everything is there. No hiding. For this reason baths are alone time unless it is full of bubbles! Bubbles cover up a multitude of sins.

Monday 3^rd March

Fell of the wagon! I grazed today for no reason at all. I wasn’t in a bad mood or a good  one just a  don’t give a shit mood. I just did it. I grazed some toast this morning then grazed some sandwhichs in the kitchen then grazed some butterscotch whip in the cooking room. Whats wrong with me?! I want to get thin and fit and this week more than ever I should be being super good!! Why can’t I do it?! I’m so disappointed in myself I want to cry. Its so hard to explain if you havn’t been in this situation yourself. One minute I can be totally positive and work really hard in a class and the next minute I’m grazing. I don’t want to do this anymore. So I went to the boob shaking hippy hip hop zumba class to make me feel better about the grazing and try and burn off a few of the carby sugary naughtiness that entered my lips today. Bastard super tasty butterscotch whip. No other whip comes close.

Tuesday 4^th

I do like to complain. I wrote a few emails after our visit to London. Firstly to the hotel about the barman and mushroom scenario which we were quickly given a free night with breakfast for our misfortune. Whilst on a role I complained to the ticket company who sold us the theatre tickets with the wrong seats who gave us a full refund boooooommmm!!!

Also starting to get mega excited for my birthday. Finding it hard to stay in healthy eating mode as I’m just not thinking about it. Theres a nice buzz at work everybody talking about my party and what they’re going to wear. I’m not focussed and I don’t know how to get back in focussed mode? I look at people photos all all the weight loss groups on facebook. How people let it all out and take photos of themselves. Stood in the mirror in ugly pants their bellies hanging over the top. I just couldn’t do it. I pride myself on looking good. Dressing the best I can for my size. I don’t even like looking at my own body in the mirror theres no way I would show the world. I won’t even take a picture of it on my phone on the off chance somebody would see it. I envy girls that have the bollocks to do it to let it all hang out to keep them focussed. Show the world and be proud of how well there doing. I’m not proud.

Wedneday 5^th

I had toast for breakfast at work this morning. I’m not sure why after not eating for so long its started creeping up on me again? Afterwards my chest hurt like all the naughty butteryness was clogging up my archeries. It really did. Fucking toast. I hate toast I’m not eating it again.

Went for a swim tonight. I enjoyed it Ive not been swimming nearly as much as I should be lately. I need to get back in routine. The pressure was on. People were swimming fast tonight so I had to keep up. Don’t want to be the fat slow one that people have to over take. Nothing worse when your trying to enjoy your swim and you know you have somebody constently up your arse. Fucking tailgaters!

Went out for a beverage for my bessies birthday! I stuck to diet coke as everyone was indulging in wine and beer. Had a lovely evening even took my mum along. Shame it was a week night would have been nice to celebrate properly!! We must be getting old!

Thursday 6^th

Went to triple challenge tonight not Big Mammas one a new one. The instructer tonight was like Skeletor. Her bones were all sticking out her chest. I always think its a little worrying when you see very thin people doing so much exercise. Theres a few ladies that you see at classes that work incredibly hard but are incredibly thin. I feel like asking them if they are eating well. And telling them maybe they shouldn’t work quite as hard. Have a break, have a kitkat!!

Anyway this lady was the most boring instructer I’ve ever seen. Her voice was monotone she could of sent me to sleep if I wasn’t so busy trying to keep up with the steps. I couldn’t concentrate on what she was saying I couldn’t take it in. She was sooooooo fucking boring!! Can you fall asleep whilst turning on a step board?

Friday 7^th

Today I cancelled my personal trainer session. I had good reason. Myself and Mr D decided to make my birthday night away a weekend away! After our nice little refund and just like that we went off to Chester! I was mega excited but Mr D had a awful day at work and was rather grumpy and one wrong turn on the way to Chester added 30 minutes to the journey!I decided to start swigging the amerreto to get myself back in the party mood.  We managed to make it before they stopped serving food at 8.45pm. We stayed at a beautiful old Inn with some fantasic home cooked food. Currently in full birthday mode and it being treat night I opted for fish and chips and they were damn bloody good fish and chips! Thick cut home made chips and the most amazing home made tartar sauce. Its making me hungry just writing this. Mmmm so good! No matter if I ever manage to loose the weight I am always going to love good pub grub! As we were getting ready in our room I heard a ghost walk going on outside. I popped my head out the window to hear a guide explaining about the many ghost that haunted the inn we were staying in. He spotted me watching and said we were okay as we weren’t in room 6! Phew that was alright then??!! We found a cool little pub with some great live music and spent the evening slowly getting merry! Happily chucking the majority of my diet coke down the sink and filling it full of ameretto out of my hand bag! Full of sugery goodness I know, like bakewell tart in a glass but I'm allowed its my birthday!

Saturday 8^th

Started the day with a fry up. Luckily it wasn’t that greasy and it wasn’t that over the top. No naughty goodness like black pudding and fried bread just your basic which was a little disappointing after last nights beautiful food. Then off we went to my suprise venue. I was very excited about this. I do get over the top excited like a child. I am not the kind of girl that hides her emotions. You can read me like a book. Happy, sad, angry thats it and its probably best only to be around me if I’m happy most people would choose to avoid me other wise.

 Anyway we pulled up at a very fancy hotel and was whisked off straight for treatments. Firstly we had a rasul which was just me and Mr D smothering each other in mud then sitting it in the steam room to let it absorb. Only a man would pick such a treatment! But it was fabulous, we then enjoyed a full body massage. You’d think with me being funny about people touching me and my body in general I would not be a fan of a full body massage but I am! I usually get so relaxed I regularly drift off and let out a little snore. I struggled to relax. The usual questions were going through my head. Am I going to be too heavy for the table? As they often seem just like a thin board! Should she get paid extra for massaging someone double the size? It would take twice as long to get round the whole of my back. I hate my back. I wonder what the largest person she’d massaged? My arms were by my side and every time she leant over me my hand was very close to her lady area. Did she not know she was doing this? Could she feel it? Did she secretly want it? Was Mr D enjoying his? Was he touching a ladies bits? Was it exciting him? What if it made him obviously excited? So many questions as she moved round to do my shoulders my head was touching her lady garden!! Bloody hell, whats wrong with her? Can she not feel it!! Its not in many people job roles that they let/give no choice in people touching their lady gardens!! And then I needed to fart. I spent the last 20 minutes as she massaged my legs and getting pretty close to my backside just trying to squeeze a fart in. What if I’d started snoozing, I would have let off in her face!!

We then spent time in the steam room and the snow room followed by the outdoor hot tub and whirl pool. We stayed in the whirl pool until we were all shrivelled and looked like we were about 86. We checked in and had a nice little snooze in the bed that was wider than it was long. I could roll over 6 times before I got near to the edge. It felt so nice being relaxed and away from the stresses. We then went for the poshest meal Ive eaten which can only be good for the diet. I selected pigeon for starter but it tasted like liver and because M D is a lovely amazing boyfriend he swapped with me and I had scallop. For main I had veal. A very small slice of veal on a smaller potatoe and a even smaller well piled vegetables. It tasted amazing it had some beautiful droplets of gravy style sauce round the edge. Mm could have done with some more of that. By the door there was a beautiful cheese trolly that had the best quality and huge variety of cheese but at £21 each we decided to take a stroll to the local village pub. Not even cheese is worth that!! Just us and one other couple in there we happily sat and got very merry on larger and blackcurrent and made plans for our future. Only one thing follows a night of drinking, a midnight feast! After a acorn fight from the balcony and Mr D banging his head on the ceiling when jumping on the bed we called room service. I’ve never had room service before. Fresh thick cook chips and some pretty average melted chocolate ice cream to finish. What a fabulous day.