How the fuck do you get peas wrong?

23/06/14 So I am into my third week of my new job I already feel quite settled. It was strange at first starting all over again not knowing what everyone was chatting about in the staff room wondering if it would ever be like before with the 3 Amigos  filthy jokes and discuss everything from wet farts to Minge shaving her fanny! Those were the days! So I may not be cracking out any filth yet but I’m happy to make a dick out of myself, saying my ideas and getting stuck in! The girls in my team arn’t all skinny birds and are trying different things to loose weight. One is on a crash diet of milkshake and soup on the run up to being a bridesmaid. Oh how I can relate to this! Now these are my kind of ladies!! The young people are starting to get to know me and I’m started to get to know their routines as well as getting used to my own. Mr D is getting used to me working three lates a week, I think hes secretly happy that he gets more x box time. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that!!

24/06/14 When you work a evening in residential you have to sit and eat the food provided by the kitchen and encourage the students to eat it also. The staff warned me the food was shit. THE FOOD IS FUCKING DISGUSTING!! Its inedible but the kids just eat it so we can’t really complain. I really have no idea how this guy could of got the job because its so bad. Maybe hes got one signature dish and he wowed them with it. Well I tell you now it wasn’t lasagne with a spoon full of the cheapest mincemeat and no actual cheese and it wasn’t the breaded plaice that didn’t taste of fish, meat or anything or the garlic bread which was just a dry piece of bread that hadn’t seen any kind of garlic. Even the safe other option of jacket potatoe are just hard and microwaved and the peas are a mixture of rock hard and soft. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU GET PEAS WRONG??

25/06/14 I went back to a class at the council today and realised this is where I needed to be. Walking in and seeing a variety of regular faces instantly made me feel better. Everyone all shapes and sizes and not judging anyone. Camp man was there with his eyebrows even more plucked than usual, the bouncy koreon lady thats is definaty to old to be wearing bright yellow lyrcra, the man with one leg and Posh Spice. Posh Spice is a lady with a perfectly neat bobbed hair, always wears black and never breaks a sweat. She doesn’t put any energy into any of the class and does as little movement as possible. Her make up is done perfectly and she never smiles or talks to anybody. This is exactly how I imagine Victoria Beckham exercises. The class was run by the the hippy, shake your boobs hip hop lady with her usual sweaty crotch. It was good to be back!

26/06/14 Today was the day I was getting back on it! I went downstairs this morning and my lodger had filled the kitchen with homemade chocolate brownies. One dish hadn’t worked out and was quite messy so obviously I picked at the outside crispy bits and the inside guey goodness!! I went back for more until I knew if I picked at it anymore she would realise. Even if she was going to bin it! I decided I didn’t want this to ruin my healthy start and to get straight to the gym for a morning class before work. It was hippy boob shaking lady taking the class for monotone which I was glad I’m not sure monotone would be getting me back into the exercise zone!! I was told in my first 5 minutes by 3 different people that my trousers were inside out! Okay I get it now I’m hardly going to strip them off infront of everyone and change them round! The class was pretty good lots of squatting and toning. I like to think I’m pretty hard and could look after myself if need be but my arm strength is shit! My legs are pretty strong, if I ever get mugged I’ll have to karate kick them or just poke them in the eye. Mr D has gone off to Glastonbury today and it will be the longest time weve spent apart since the beginning of our releationship! I might just miss him a little bit ;)

 Work today was pretty average playing outside, routine and bed time. Thursday night is my sleep in night. For tea tonight it was carbonara it consisted of a wishy washy cream coloured sauce that tasted of nothing with floaty bits of very faty bacon and some celery and pasta. It was vile it looked like sick I felt bad giving it to the students. It was my sleep in at work tonight but by 9.30pm I was starving so I had to go and raid the staff fridge knowing exactly what was in there. Today was the nurses last day and she’d been talking about every day for the last 3 weeks that she’d had shipped in Cornish pasties from Cornwall! That is some effort getting a pastie shipped all the way I was expecting something amazing, gold plated meaty fucking goodness! I only went and picked the wrong fucking one and ended with some broadbean veggie shit for fuck sake!

27/06/14 I didn’t sleep too bad and at least this morning I didn’t get woken up at 6am by the cleaner clonking around with her mop bucket. My boss walked in my room as I was doing my hair. Good job I wasn’t fucking naked! She did apologise at least if I was in the buff that would be enough to scare anyone off! Work was fine and went pretty quick. I’d bought some 18p reduced vegetable soup in for lunch to start getting back at track but it tasted shit so I had to dunk some white bread in it to make it edable! After work I had to go back to my old job. Even though I totally love my buddies there and with Hitler no longer there anymore but I didn’t really want to go back. I’ve already moved on and put that in the past but I went anyway as Minge had worked really hard so I got a proper goodbye speech like everybody else does and a nice big fat pressie! It was a shame Golden Balls was there because I was pleased to see everybody else I hated seeing his face smiling at me and being polite. Fuck off! You don’t like me so don’t smile at me! You don’t like me because I took Hitler down and now you cant just flash your £2,000 a tooth smile and flex your muscles to get what you want you’ll have to actually work! Golden Balls will no longer his golden balls them polished in Hitlers mouth! Just plain old wrinkly hairy one like everyone else! I got plenty of pressies so people had dug deep to bless them but it still felt a bit weird and I felt akward being there. It took me 2 and a half minutes to convince Minge that she had to drink and not drive which made me much happier!  It was a good night, good turn out of folks and only a few of my faves couldn’t make it. Plenty of booze was consumed and we headed to the dodgy end of town for some karaoke to find there was no karaoke on!! Very disappointed but before we realised it was 1.30am and I found myself running down the street to make it to The Bless before closing time!  My mate Mr G who now lives in Dubai came to join us which was fantastic! Great to see him!A few beverages and a bit of boogieing later I was wobberling into Mcdonalds, getting back in my taxi and sharing a chocolate milkshake with the pooch.

28/06/14 I’m really missing Mr D now. When your hungover you always need the love of your other half that little bit more. Someone to give u a bit of sympathy and to make you a pint of orange squash! I wasn’t thinking such nice thoughts of him when his alarm clock went off at 7.05am and then I couldn’t go back to sleep! I got up and went in search for a nice piece of flapjack. I love it when your hungover and you know exactly what you want to eat. The thought of anything greasy made me want to throw up but I really wanted some oaty goodness. All I drove past were endless co-ops and sainsburys express! No I don’t want a shity coardboardy over priced flapjack I want a nice little deli or little caf that did a nice bigfat slab of flapjack! In the end I had no choice to make do with average over priced flapjack. With the bit of energy I still had prob because I was still drunk I bought some flowers and did a spot of gardening. I planned to do more so it would be a nice suprise for wen Mr D got home but all work stopped when the postman came! I felt like I knew what it was when I picked up the envelope. Twats solicitor. The letter I’d spent a year waiting for. He’d agreed to the payment of £2,000 to take him off the mortgage. My house was going to be my house again. Finally I can end that whole fucking shity chapter of my life fully for good and be free to sell my house whenever I choose!! After making a few phone calls in true rock and roll style I went to celebrate. I took my grandparents out for lunch! I was in need of the carbs and knew a average shop bought sarnie wasn’t going to cut it. Kill 2 birds with one stone and keep the wrinklies happy! A made a good choice (when I say good I mean tasty not healthy) of a brie and bacon panni. You really can’t beat a good sandwhich. Shame they forget the red current jelly but I was feeling way to rough to bother asking staff for it. Unfortunately the coleslaw was shit! I fucking hate cheap shity coleslaw! I love a good bargain but coleslaw is one thing not to go cheap on!! Get back in that kictchen and get the chef grating up some onion, carrot and cabbage! Its not that bloody hard! After that even though the oldies were hinting at a trip to the garden centre I just couldn’t face any more people time and hit the sack! At 5.45 I thought it was time I better get out of my unmade bed and sort myself out. My room was still full of dresses on the floor and mcdoanald wrappers. No covers on the bed so I get my arse in gear and then headed off to my bessies hubbys 30^th BBQ. I aint guna lie I was more looking forward to what bargains I could at reduced time on the way than the actual BBQ. Not that theres anything wrong with my Bessie or her husband I actually really like spending time with them. My Bessie thinks I’m rude and don’t like talking to new people. Alot of her friends just arn’t the kind of people I hang around with they are outdoorsy types that talk about canoeing and ponds their all nice but their just not the type to spend their spare time talking utter bollocks and filth like my friends! The thought of going on my own and not drinking sucked at least if you get trashed you don’t care so much. I was pleasantly surprised that there was a few of her chums I like and had a good natter about losing weight and weddings. Which are pretty much my fave subjects lol! I could of happily sat and nattered longer but I started feeling like utter shit so left. I didn’t even get a hotdog so had to make do with stuffing my face with a few stuffed potatoe skins when exiting the building! No more excuses tomorrow I am getting on it!!

29/06/14 Oooshh up and to Insanity! First time I’ve gone back to one of Kats classes but it was at a big venue and I took Mrs B with me so was feeling okay about it. I’ve heard how hard Insanity is so I was a bit worried it would be just too hard for a fat bird. I had visions of me just passed out my fave in my own puke whilst the fitties just danced next to me. The first thing Kat said was nobody has been sick in a class yet but just go out the door if you need the fresh air. Bollocks I thought I was going to be the bloody first then!! I knew a few girls there the usual regulars. One of the personal trainer girls said ‘I didn’t expect to see you here’ I wasn’t really sure how to take that. Don’t think I can handle it?! Well I could!  I was pleasantly surprised that I wasn’t too bad at all. It was hard and I did feel sick at times but I also did pretty good at times. I struggled with some of the fancy press ups where you have to stick a arm up there and a leg out there balance on your bloody little finger. There were other bits that I powered through even on the odd occasion (okay only one) I did the high level when a lot of the fitties had gone down to low level by that point!! Get me, the fit fat bird!! Oooooshh!

I then went off for a roast with my friends to a pub that was a little bit of a trek but I’d heard it did a amazing carvery. After my morning of work my ass and apparently burning 2,000 calories I had very good intentions that I was just going to go for turkey and vegetables and then I saw it... all different beautiful roast meats, giant home made Yorkshire puddings, crispy slow cooked roast potatoes with rosemary mmmm!! I went for beef and one of the beautiful Yorkshires but I tried to pick the smallest and I still filled up on my veggies so not quite as good as I intended but not too bad! Mr D was hungover damp, muddy, ill and missing home so he decided to come home early! Even though I was more than happy to have my Mr D back early I wanted to make sure he made the right choice and not waste his money coming back early but it was what he wanted. It was great to have it back even full of man flu. Bloody love this man!!

Back to being fat!!

I stopped doing my blog as my laptop broke and it took a while to sort it out. Now I don’t know where to begin again. So much has happened in the last couple of months and thrown me in to a roller coaster.  The personal trainer sessions came to a end because of the others work commitments which was sad but I felt it was time. Work spiralled out of control. The Head Teacher was completly unhinged. No people skills, if your face fitted you were fine. If she didn’t like you then you were fucked. As soon as my complaint went in about her lying about me she would go out of her way to blank me and ignore me. She held back my expenses and would cancel activities I organised.  My stress levels were high and exercising went out the window. I was working hard and being treated awfully the stress started getting on top of me and effecting my personal life. All I wanted to do was go home and stay there which stopped me going to my classes. People around me started worrying about me so I went to the doctors. She confirmed that mainly work but also my ongoing weight issues are really getting me down and referred me to a mental health service. Me a strong confident woman referred to see a therapist?! I couldn’t get my head round it and hated having to admit it. I am I offically crazy?

The mental Health Service contacted me by letter and asked me what service I wanted. I don’t bloody know what service I want?! Aren’t they supposed to be telling me the answers? Definatley not a good start and surely must put off people that do have any mental health issues? Not that I have.

I managed to get a new job at a school in a residential school. I had to take a money cut and work evenings but I needed to leave. I got the job but unfortunately it wasn’t that simple. The Head Teacher would not tell me what notice I had to give and we she eventually did she told me 3 months (emailed me as she would not speak to me) I was worried my new job would not wait but they were really good. I asked HR about my notice and then received a email from my new boss on a Saturday night  saying I was been let off from my job the following week. I couldn’t believe it had gone from 3 months to 2 weeks. That would have gave me 5 days to say goodbye to my young people which is not enough for them to understand and if I was off site I wouldn’t of even had chance to see my caseload who I have put so much work into. Problems then got worse but she agreed to give me a extra week there to sort everything out but I would lose all my holidays. I sent a email to HR asking about losing my holiday. The next morning at 8.30 she called me into her office to tell me ‘because i was making waves she was suspending me with 10 minutes to collect my things’ I was very upset, she shouted at me as I was trying to get my things together ‘You must not talk to any staff and must leave in 10 minutes’ I left in a complete state telling her ‘you’ll go down for this’ I heard nothing for 2 days from HR or my Unison rep. Nobody could give me any answers nobody returned my calls. I sent many emails with evidence and originally they tried to say I was off with gardeners leave and good luck in my new job but there was no way she was going to get away with that. She had already suspended staff for nothing and drove people out it would only be one of my friends next if I didn’t do anything about it so I fought! Mr D was worried that this might send me stress levels over the edge but I knew I had to do it! I wrote a full detailed complaint about the last 6 months and the unfairness of the way people were treated and wouldn’t let them drop it. It worked! They had no choice with 2 staff off suspended with no reasons and lots of lies that she had to go. I refuse to feel sad for what I did because you can’t run a school and treat people like that!

Mr D has been my absolute rock and stood by me when I’ve just wanted to hide under the duvet and not come out to me crying my heart out or being crazily angry that I want to punch sombodies face in! I’m moody at the best of times so it takes a special man with a lot of love and patience to not only stand by me but give me unlimited love and do anything to help me.

We used the time off wisely and me and Mr D took off to Furtventura for a well deserved relaxing break. We drank too much and ate too much. By the end of the week our clothes were tight and I was feeling very fat and bloated! But I did not feel stressed I was so chilled I read 3 books. Everything but my diet seemed to be looking up and things got even better. On a romantic evening stroll on the beach Mr D proposed and I accepted. Time to start my new, get back on the diet and start planning our wedding!!

22/06/14 I’m a failure. My trousers are no longer big they fit just fine. I’m nearly back to where I first started in January.  I don’t feel like I can go back to the classes I once loved because I’m a failure and its obvious by just looking at me. How can I walk back through the doors hiding behind my original baggy gym wear? I havn’t heard from anyone. With facebook updates of ‘don’t be a failure’  and before and after pics of how well people have done in the last 6 months. Thats not me. I’m fat.

Blog is back!! Where the Blog ended...

Sunday 13^th April

We fancied going out for a nice dinner today. We did well last night not to have treat night due to there being many festivities coming up in the holiday ahead but we fancied some nice grub. I wrote on my facebook update ‘Anyone know of anywhere we can eat tonight thats healthy?’ I was hoping for somewhere that did nice steak or chicken and roasted veggies. Someone said ‘just go for some pasta most places have it’ Pasta is probably one of the worse thing I could eat its mostly in creamy sauces and covered in cheese?!!  So I kindly reply ‘I was thinking of somewhere with a nice fish dish or steak’ The next reply was ‘ Stay at home and make yourself a nice salad’ For fucks sake!! Just because I’m trying to watch what I eat I don’t want to stay at home and eat fucking salad!! I would like a social life as well as being healthy!! SOD OFF!!

I’ve been doing good taking Kats advice on the alcohol front and have been avoiding the lovely sugary ciders that are perfect for drinking in beer gardens at this time of year. I went to the Greyhound which do good ale so the Mr was happy, they also do a peach beer which I opted for. A couple of them and a nice brie and beetroot starter (straight down the new white dress!!) and a nice pork and vegetable main. Not too naughty, not a salad. Good night. Home for a bit of game of thrones and reasonably early night in preparation for holiday time!!!

Monday 14^th April

Well were all off on a jolly holiday!! Very exciting after running around all morning finishing packing, getting washing done to dry whilst were away, beds stripped, dog had his herbal tablets! Car packed full of the 10p bread and cobs for BBQ I’d bought cheap on the way home. Picked mum and step dad up put the dog in his special dog tent and off we were on our way!

Had a fabulous holiday with the family. We ate, drank and had a fabulous time!! Didn’t go crazy and eat loads of crap but was naughty on occasions especially with the drinking!

Saturday 19^th April

Mr D is back at work wanted to start as I mean to go on and went to Dance Fit. I really do enjoy the music in this class. Its cheesey and happy. One of the regular songs is ‘Reach’ by S Club 7. You don’t get much cheesier than that. I don’t know if I love it because it reminds me of growing up or all the dance and drama schools I went to or even when I did performing Arts at college. I loved dancing but was never any good at it. Always a bit clumsy, no grace or elegance at all. It also reminds me of wanting to be a red coat. From a child all the way to being  18 all I wanted was to be on stage at a holiday camp. Dancing, singing, presenting and just acting a twat most of the time. Being a kid forever doing the birdie song every night. I nearly did it too. The only reason i went to college was 16 was too young to be a holiday rep. I would have loved to have done it and got offered a few jobs but met a boy and got a job instead. I reckon I would of been damn good at it lol!!

Sunday 20^th April

Woke up at 9am which is late for me, I was tempted to get up and nip to the carboot but it was nice being at home in my own bed and just enjoyed snuggling with the Mr. He even made me breakfast in bed. No easter eggs in our house. Not even a boiled egg and soldiers. Rye bread with healthy peanut butter.  It wasn’t good in fact it was pretty shit but when you have to eat healthy you have to eat some shit sometimes.  After a lazy morning we finally got our arses in gear and finally finished stripping the walls and started painting. We stopped for a salad lunch and then got straight back on it! You know your getting old when you spend your bankholiday weekend doing gardening and DIY instead of a bank holiday bender. (which is what I’d have been doing this time last year!) but I guess theres nothing wrong with getting older. Spending money on a lawn mower and paint is much more worth while!

We went to Mr Ds family for tea. We had a lovely roast and a good natter. They bought up the subject of babies and whether I want any and that his nan had mentioned that she thought I might not want any! Now I know I’m 30 but bloody hell Ive only been with him 10 months. What do I say? Yes I want lots of babies ha ha! I also want to foster and adopt and have every child thats sad and unloved and put them under my roof. Not sure what they’d think of that.

Monday 21^st April

I bloody love Bank Holidays, especially Bank Holiday Monday as working on a Monday sucks ass!! No time for lie in got straight up and starting painting. Then rushed off to wilko for some filler to fill up the holes! How exciting my bank holidays have got?! Made a healthy picnic of chicken salads, humous and carrots and some lemon and coconut milk ‘natural’ pudding (supposed to be £3.75 bought for 25p shame they tasted like baby sick) We went off to Tutbury castle with Mr and Mrs B and little L for a Viking Day I bought on Groupon for all of for a tenner! Maybe I should do a blog on bargain instead of losing weight I’m better at it ha! After picnic and strolling round various stalls and watching Viking pretend to stab each other we seem to find ourselves at the burger tent. Mr D got himself a hotdog with all the trimmings. Mr B got in the queue for a burger then changed his mind as Mrs B reminded him off all the hard work running hes doing at the moment to keep trim. It sounds crazy that my brother who had run 14 miles the previous day and is fit and healthy has the same worries as me. Do I don’t I have a burger? I really wanted one. Mr B had a burger complete with garlic mayo, sweet chilli and ketchup. Were all or nothing kind of people.  Do other people have these dilemmas? Not being particulay hungry and being next to good smelling nice food and just wanting it? Finding it hard to say no when the people standing next to you are filling their faces? Which is exactly what I want to do? Luckily I needed a wee and by the time I got back they were done and the temptation was gone. Me and Mrs B were going to go for a ice cream instead as we figured this would be healthier?! But I wasn’t even bothered about that anymore. Maybe in future if I get tempted I should go for a wee instead! I am cured!

On the way home we popped into sainsburys and I bought of pack of mini skinny cow ice creams. I nearly had 2 but just went for the one on the way back. Feel pretty pleased with myself over this choice. Got back on the decorating and cooked fish and vegetables for tea. I am goooooood J

Tuesday 22^nd April

Started my day back on the porridge and banana which made me feel good. In control. A good start to fill me up for my interview. Did some more swating then put my planned outfit on my black pencil skirt with black peplum top with red cardigan but my top was way too big! Ive not worn in for a few months and its always been a bit big but it was no longer wearable! Whoop! Just as I was debating what to wear I got a text through from Mrs C at work. She’d got my reference sheet through for my interview next Tuesday! Crap in the excitement I’d not checked the date properly it was next week. Off to work i went instead lol. I didn’t want to fall into the half term trap of eating crap. When I walked in our office there was already 3 packs of biscuits on the table curtisy of Cock! Not even shity ones bloody hobnobs! But I persevered and had some grapes, we pottered to sainsburys for lunch and I got some chicken from the chicken counter. Why does  lunch seem some more forfilling when its hot? So I had some chicken without the skin of course with a bit of left over swede mash from yesterday. The afternoon munchies kicked in, the need for something sweet when I’m sat at my desk. How people sit at desks for a living I don’t know I would be huggggggggggee if that was the case. I was organised and bought 100% natural choc+ bag which was very nice. Had little pieces of dried raspberry meringue and little bit of milk chocolate. There must be worse things to snack on? Like less than half price Easter Eggs!!

Bastard after work summer pint drinkers!

Sunday 6^th April

The Mr got in at 2am babbling about being the ice hockey champion, awful chav pubs and then went off to the loo to be sick complaining about having to drink nasty lagar but still had a good night. Had a pretty nothing day to be honest to top the pretty nothing weekend. We caught up on some Game of Thrones ate some nice food and stripped some walls. Why is it the thought of decorating is always brilliant? Brilliant ideas of colours and designs and the end result. Weeks into stripping walls you fucking hate it and can’t even remember what the end result is going to look like! How do you even decorate the top of the stairs? How Am I going to be able to wallpaper that top corner above the stairs without trying to kill myself?! Its a massive chore right now and we just don’t seem to be getting through it. Ugh being a grown up sometimes sucks ass.

Me and Mr D have perfeced the perfect healthy Sunday roast. Some nice lean meat, roasted carrots and parsnips in honey, greens and the perfect vegetable mash. Mr D has recently decided its his mission to make perfect vegatble mash. His recipe consists of half a swede, one potatoe and a parsnip. Without just one potatoe it just doesn’t taste like mash but half a spud each seems to make all the difference. We could probably do with cutting down on the rich red onion gravy but overall I think we do pretty good. We always make enough for the following day to put on a shepards pie or to have with some slow cooked stew.

Maybe I should do a cooking blog with some of my better ideas?

Monday 7^th April

Trying to stay focussed that this time next week we’ll be off on a family holiday dogs and all but its hard. Work is a bit complexed right now so I joined a Union today. Being the tight arse i am Ive never wanted to pay out but I guess its best to be safe.  I was on edge this morning after a phone call and then when I got to the pool car it had no fuel and with the head teacher off there was no way of getting the fuel card or petty cash this really made me mad that I had to use my car for Leicester again.I planned a nice day today doing a project with my student about going to the cinema and going off to see Lego Movie. Bonus that another student had a issue with taxis and I took her along too. One of my key children that I currently don’t see alot of so it was a really nice day with the girls. I was hoping to find time to get them something to eat before I went in by the time I found it there was no spare time so I got them a big popcorn between them. Turns out they didn't like popcorn so I had some so it was not completly wasted!! But popcorns not too bad for us is it? or is that just a certain kind of popcorn. How bad is cinema popcorn?! Bloody hell why does it have to be so complicated?! Then took them out for lunch and we ended up in a noodle bar. Noodles seemed a healthy choice for my lunch but the chicken they added looked like it was in some kind of batter and sticky?! Why can't people just cook healthy??? A noodle bar sounds fucking healthy but they just chuck oil and sugar and fat at everything! I swear people just want the nation to be obese!! Tried not to eat it all but I was hungry!

Ended up going to the cinema again this evening becasue I got it for free! Can't turn down a freebie! So off with a bag of diet coke and a bag of fruit and nuts for more cinema. The Mr had popcorn which I was really off after the afternoon but by the end I was bored of my little raisons and cranberries and chucked in a few pieces of popcorn for good meisure! Film was pretty poor I prefered Lego Movie :)

Tuesday 8th April

I bought some new gym gear. All in sizes at least 2 sizes bigger. When it comes to my gym clothes I think the baggier the better. I bought a sports vest in the sale knowing I will never wear it! Hoping that one day i will have the confidence to wear it and not feel like a whale. Not be that fat bird who shouldn't be wearing that gym wear! and why am I so unstylish when it comes to the gym? Leopard print hoody with ears, baggy polka dot top, lycra trouser, stripey socks, trainers and a polka dot cherry bag. I like to think I'm quite stylish and like to match my look but when it comes to the gym theres just no answer!! Theres no gym top that pulls in at the bust then flows out and i need to cover up the rolls so baggy is the only answer!

As promised I went to Total Tone tonight. Even though its at 7pm which is a stupid time for exercise. Why are there no classes at 5pm?!I walked in to a class full of fitties. Only a couple of slightly plump ladies I was deffo the most round but I didn’t feel uncomftable. I knew how Kat worked and i knew I could do it. I maybe a fatty but I don’t give up easy I’ll give it everything I’ve got! It was exactly what I thought it will be. Short bursts of exercise. Weights, mountain, climbers, squat jumps. Kat was brilliant keeping you on it, keep you positive and motivated!! The girls were great and they seemed genuinely happy that I made it. If I’m ever going to do this its with this lot around me!!

Wednesday 10^th April

Today I woke up hungry but I quickly forgot about it when I tried a skirt on thats never fit properly. I’ve had it years and have never been able to do the zip up to the top. I normally just leave the zip a little bit open and took it over the top then cover my top over the top of it. This is a pretty good achievement!! I may not be weighing myself and not seeing the results I want straight away but this is exactly what I’m aiming for!! Today at work marketing were coming to take our team photos. For once our team was getting recognised for the work we do and it was pretty exciting. I’m not a fan of having my photo taken. Those who see my facebook would not believe this. I’m happy taking many photos of myself because I’m in control of exactly what angle its taken. Many fatties get the art of selfies spot on! Its quite a talent. Take the photo up high, no chins, plenty of bust, no bingo wings and no rolls!! People can look like complete different people and I guess if thats what you want brilliant! Its not very true to life though, who are you kidding?! If your not willing to be a pic of you in a silly space suit pulling a stupid face then whats the point?! But still I was worried about what angle this lady was going to come in at. As if I had a fucking spot on the end of my nose? Im worried about my extra chin and then I get spots too?! So the woman got right in my face, I’m really not sure I’m going to like the outcome!! I asked for it to be airbrushed but I’m not sure she took me seriously. Damn.

Thursday 10^th April

I can not moan about this week at work today. Originally I was down for something which I felt was not safe. Mr and Mr B had a good debate about we will regulary have a debate over a behaviour situation at work. There is no answers where we work we don’t know all the reasons why our young people act like they do so you often bump heads trying to come up with solutions. Me and Mr B have regular debates where we’ll thrash things out quite a bit. He may be Deputy Principle but hes also my brother we know how each other work and we know were both trying to do it for the right reasons so we always come up with a happy result in the end. Were also good at thinking outside the box I think its a part of the role. You have to think of different ways of educating our young people. Anyway it resulted with one student not turning up and a nice afternoon out with another member of staff Miss B and one student at the Science Museum. It was fabulous we tried many costumes including alien costumes that looked like ‘a very hungry caterpillar’ we also went into the planetarium. Miss B had a bag of shortbread and i just had the one little round one. I find it hard to stick to healthy eating when I’m happy I don’t tend to think about it as much when I’m busy having fun. Fabulous day.

I really was going to Monotons class tonight but the sun was shining and I just could not stand the thought of spending an hour listening to her boring voice and just making up the moves because I don’t know what i’m doing! I opted for a power walk in the sun with the pooch. This wasn’t quite as energetic as I’d hoped as Scruff decided to stop and sniff/piss up every lamppost, bin, tree, mound of mud, piece of litter on the way.

Friday 11^th April

Last day of term everybody was in good spirits. Off we went to laser combat. Unfortunately quite a few of our students didn’t show up which is a shame as working as a team is something many young people need. Many people need. Two teams Mr and Mrs B were on on the other team with the 3 students and I was on the staff team. Laser combat is like paintballing without the pain or mess. Running around the field doing different missions. Capture the flag, carry the box and shoot the laser. You can choose to hide behind a bunker and shoot or just leg it around a field trying to shoot the other team ! I choose the latter. The last mission being the most exhausting. You couldn’t get out so everytime you died you had 30 seconds to zoom back to the base and get life back. I did this many times and ran in and out of the hut desperately trying to beat the other team. I am competive my family on the other team are equally competitive this helps when it comes to burning calories. We were all just going for it. Sweat was pouring off me. Our team won. I very fun work out. I wish I could do that once a week. My boss who spent alot of her time behind a bunker was moaning that she ached and it was the most exercise she’d done in a very long time. My boss is a lot thinner than me. I’m alot fitter than quite a few people I know that are much thinner than me. I can’t help but feel annoyed by it sometimes. I put the work in and currently have slow progress why they do no exercise and eat cheese butties and breakaways everyday.

It was a lovely day and I knew Kat would make us do something outside at the PT session tonight. I dreaded it. I spend so much of my time trying to look the best for my size. Getting my hair nice, make up and dressing to get the best out of my figure. I feel vunerable and competly out of my comfort zone in my gym gear exercising in public.  I don’t want people to see me like this at all. Everything gigerling and woberling around when I spend all my time sucking it all in! But today wasn’t so bad. We jogged together to the park which didn’t seem as bad as usual as everyone was chating which took my mind off the fact we were jogging. We jogged past everbody enjoying a pint outside the pub. Thats what I’d like to be doing but pints arn’t going to get me thin! Bastard afterwork summer pint drinkers!  I reminded them I was away next week and that I wouldn’t be eating too many fish and chips. Kat kindly reminded me how much fat and calories were in fish and chips. How can I go to the seaside and not have one lot of fish and chips on the beach?! I’ll have a portion of salad please whilst everyone tucks in! It’s that simple obviously?! We then did some dips on the park bench before doing some more sprinting. Great! I was ready to give it some! I Pulled my thigh on the first sprint. It really hurt it was genuine not any kind of excuse. I tried to do a few more sprints and really gave it some when Kat joined in but I was really struggling. The session went quick. We did step ups on the tyre for 2 minutes. I did shit. I stopped way more times than the others. I need to do better. I need to push my self harder. On the way back I could hardly drive I nearly gave up and rang Mr D but luckily I didn’t have far to go. My thigh was killing and was making me feel sick. Mr D had to help me and ran me a bath.

We went to the shop to grab a few bargains and he bought chips and dips. For some reason today this really got to me. Its Friday night were staying in and the Mr just wants some chip and dips. No big deal. Yet to me it is a big deal something so normal yet I can’t do this I can’t sit and eat treats like lots of couples around the globe are doing! I got home and I just felt upset. Mr D didn’t eat his chips and dips we had a hot chocolate. Hes a good egg but I felt bad that he decided not to do that to help me. I just wanted to eat chips and be ‘normal’

He said I needed to rest my thigh and that I shouldn’t go to my dance fit class in the morning. I said ‘we’ll see’

Saturday 12^th April

Off I went to dance fit. My thigh was still a little twingey and my foot was also hurting but I powered it out at Dance Fit. The Instructer is pregnant I felt concerened for her doing some of these movements. Shes still c ompletly giving it some surely squats will squash him?! Isnt being pregnant the best ever reason to sit on your arse and let people run around after you? I bet the day I will finally get thin I’ll get pregnant that will be just my luck.

I went to weigh myself as I’ve been back on track and feeling much better for the last few weeks.

_ stone 2lb. Thats only 2lb down since I last weighed myself in February! Put my positivity right back down again.

Its my dads birthday today. Hes been dead 3 and a half years. I havn’t gone to put flowers down, it wasn’t my dads style. I had a drink for him which would have suited him much better. My dad is probably one of the reasons I have weight issues today. Dad was a alcoholic which triggered my emotional eating from a young age. Going out to get a bag of chips when dad was in a drunken stuper was away of escaping and getting enjoyment else where which was quick and easy. I loved my dad but now I’m 30 I can look back and see the side effects of growing up with a alcoholic parent and how they are still with me for this day. I hope hes at peace now in the end he was a very troubled man but he’ll always be in my heart.

Happy birthday dad.

Cous cous is just shit rice

Sunday 29^th March

Clocks went forward so lost an hour which made it even harder to get the Mr out of bed! By 11am we were out and about had a quick nosey at the carboot but we were a bit late. Mr D then fancied going out for lunch. We drove out and about round Amber Valley and spent a while looking for a nice country pub to stop at. When we found one we had to wait a while for it to open at 12. We both just fancied a nice sandwhich. It was a sunny day and a good sarnie with homemade coleslaw would have just been perfect. We asked if they served food and she said yes so we bought a drink. To then be told there was a choice of lamb, beef or chicken roast. Crap! Hungry and a bit miffed we’d bought drinks we soon left. We then drove around and found another pub we thought would deffo serve food. It didn’t. After driving round for some time we were about to give up when Mr D spotted a beautiful looking pub that said it served food! FABULOUS!! Again we bought drinks and sat down to then be told they were just serving the three course meals on the board. Looking round everybody was dressed up smart and I was just in carboot zone in my hoody, converse and my hair chucked back. By this point we were pretty pissed off after our drinks we stormed off and ended up in subway.As Mr D so perfectly put it ‘Welcome to Amber Valley the place where you can’t get a fucking sandwhich’ We  sat outside on a retail estate, not exactly what we had in mind but at least we got our sarnie! Even the toastie machie wasn’t working so we couldn’t even get it toasted!! THE WORLD IS AGAINST US BUYING A FUCKING SANDWHICH TODAY!! We spent a beautiful afternoon out a huge park near my brothers new house. Walking and talking whilst my neice slept attached to my brothers back. The pooch had a good run and I had a good bit of exercise. KNACKERED!!

Monday 30^th March

I woke up feeling knackered and grumpy. I went in to work to find out I was in Leicester and driving my own car. Fuming and emotional. I’m supposed to be in school on Mondays and have my 1-2-1s with my students but no being shipped off again. I just wanted to cry. I think it was probably was because I was tired. After my student finally started working I picked up a bit and didn’t once give in to my healthy eating.  Got the student a lunch and headed to the back of the library in the usual spot. Some busy body lady came over and told us we couldn’t eat in the library so we put our food aside and started some work. Another worker then came over and asked us to leave. I said to her politely that we weren’t eating we’d put it away. She said the food was too smelly and we needed to leave. It was a good job I was with a student so we left. ‘That lady on the next table smells of piss are you kicking her out??!!’

Tonights booty shaking class wasn’t easy. My arm was aching and my tattoo kept catching on my top as well as my usual wedgie problems but I powered through! The instructer obviously worked hard too as when she was thrusting and twerking all you could see was her massive vagina sweat patch. No armpit patchs just vagina sweat. How do you even sweat that much out of there? Maybe she’d just let out a little wee.

Tuesday 1^st April

Whilst on my usual dog walk before work i thought it would be amusing to send a few April Fools pranks not thinking they would really fall for it. I sent one to my boss, my bro and my amigos to say I’d had enough I wasn’t coming in and I was going on strike. Now I thought the women would fall for it but not my bro. He fell for it hook line and sinker! I was getting full in depth texts about getting Union backing and the effects long term when I was actually on my way to work actually loling! So off to work with a smile on my face. Not for long. A lovely student decided to tell me I look pregnant. This is not one of the older students being bitchy bcoz I’ve told them off this is one of the younger students just saying what they see and being honest! FUCKING PREGNANT?? This is one comment I’ve not had before. Why did she have to tell me at 5 past 9? At least if she’d told me at the end of the day I wouldn’t have been so conscious!? Now I’ve got to try and do my cardigan up differently to cover up my stomach but I look unbalanced. FUCKS SAKE. Spent the day sucking in and standing with my hand over my stomach.

I had a meeting in Leiceter so I set off 15 minutes early so I could have my lunch break trying on that dress in tesco. They didn’t have the original one but had the other one I liked. Disappointed I had to get the usual large size but it did look really nice. Clothes sizes are such bullshit! I can fit in clothes on all different sizes in all different shops. It just takes the piss how can your size vary so much?! And it zaps the self confidence out of you when your 2 sizes bigger in one shop than you have been in the previous. ITS BULLSHIT!

Found a nice deal for a second hand Laura Ashely garden set today. I’ve been after a nice large garden table for ages. Asked a few questions and I agreed to come and collect. Then the post seemed to disappear. He had then relisted with one extra item for £40 extra! Fucking rude idiot!! I told him he was rude to. I thought that was quite pleasant of me considering. Then he  tried to get me blocked from the group. TOSSER!! Was also hoping to book a holiday tonight but again we had a problem. We’d found one we really like but it seems to have gone up in price. For fucks sake!! Both of us disapointed!! Why are people trying to fuck with me today??!!

 Wednesday 2^nd April

Went for a 50s a line skirt and tied up shirt today felt good about it theres been many times I’ve not fitted into this skirt. I went into a class room and saw my reflection and actually thought yes I look quite nice today. Then I sat down and I just looked like a wide blob. How can I look so different standing up and sitting down?! I’m never sitting down again!! Then I went off to Leicester very successful day with my new student at the outdoor ed centre. Only down fall when I tried to fit on the general size harness it just wasn’t quite fitting so he had to go and ge me the next size up L BLOODY BASTARD FAT THIGHS! Everybody had the general size one and they had to go espically and get the larger one for me. BASTARD. On the way back as the rain got harder my windscreen wiper flipped over and started bashing my windscreen. I stopped and put it back in place but there seemed to be a circle scratch now on my windscreen?! About a mile down the road and the right wiper started going abit crazy going over the edge of the car. Why did it have to be the right one? I least I could still see infront of me if it was the left one!! I then got out again as lorries zoomed pretty close to my ass and the whole thing came off in my hand!! I then had to attempt to drive down the M1 with no wiper and it was pissing it down!! Straight to the garage where the Mr gave me a new wiper but I need a whole new windscreen. It could crack at any point. FUCKING BRILLIANT!! Bag of shit!

I was going to give the Wednesday early class a go again that wasn’t great last time I went but it was a really good time. Why isn’t there any classes at 5pm? That would be perfect timing!! I missed that class being at the garage.

Homemade burgers for tea! Feels like a treat but actually not bad at all! Unfortunately we had Moroccan cous cous with it because I bought it for 10p I’m not a fan of cous cous is just shit rice but for 10p we’ll have a crack anyway.

Thursday 3^rd April

I’m getting bored of porridge but I find other cereals arn’t as filling. I eat breakfast as I’m working in the morning so it is hard to avoid the toast but the majority of the time I’m good at not given in to the thick buttery goodness. At breaktime students had made cornflake cake and custard I was the only person in the whole school that didn’t go in for some in the kitchen. There was all the usual ‘just have a small slice’ People think there helping but it really makes it harder its so easy to say ‘go on then’ but today I didn’t. From 11am I had my new student. I didn’t plan the fact that I was taking her for lunch and I didn’t have time for a break until after 3pm. Bugger. I was starving and in KFC with her. What to do? There were just big menus in front of me with so much goodness. I just kept thinking in my head ‘no fries, no fries, no fries. Think Kelly Brooks swimwear’ I opted for a chicken salad wrap and corn on the cob instead of chips. I don’t think that was a bad option. My student was really tempting me with ice cream. It did look really good but did not give in! We then had a food lesson where she made me a cupcake and I secretly gave it away later. I’m impressed wth myself.

Then I went to triple challenge with plain Jane monotone lady. As I walked in I passed her at reception and she didn’t look at me. As I walked out of the toilet right outside the exercise room she was going in she looked straight at me. She didn’t smile, she didn’t say hello. There was only 4 people in the class not surprisingly when she was so unwelcoming!!The class got started and quite quickly I switched off to her boring monotone voice. For such a dull looking and sounding lady her music taste for her class surprised me. Justin Timberlake came on full blast ‘She want it, she want it, I want to give it to her’ ‘like a nympho’ ‘why don’t you sit down on top of me’  This disturbed me, all I could think of was that this plain Jane was actually some filth bag nympho. That in her spare time she was like the woman in the video. Gyrating in front of a window in just her underwear and stockings. Dancing on a chair pretending a invisible Justin Timberlake was there was her. I actually did a little snigger out loud at the thought of this. Plain Jane getting excited over Mr Trousersnake. Ha. This kept me amused through the whole class. I had no idea what was going on half the time. The regulars got it but she didn’t show us how to do it. She showed the low level which wasn’t anything like the higher stuff. Her voice just sounded low and distorted over the sound track like being at a noisey train station and trying to work out what there saying. I just did my owns moves. Some nice superman moves on the step and I worked myself hard.

We had stir fry for tea. Everytime we have stir fry for tea we end up having super. No matter how many different varieties I do they never quite cut it. Watching Master Chef didn’t help. I love Masterchef!!!So happy its back on. Gives me some TV time and the Mr gets his x box time. Normally it doesn’t make me hungry it just gives me ideas for cooking. Half a bagel with pate for supper. First supper of the week so could be worse.

Friday 4^th April

I’m carless today. Car is in the garage and is going to cost me a few spondoolies that pissed me off. Then my sandwhich smelt a bit off today. Normally I would power through I have a stomach of iron but you have to be a little careful with chicken. Thats the only problem with getting bargains you do need to eat them within a few days and this is day 4. Probably pushing it a little bit. Had to make do with a crisp butty. There were weight watcher crisps so only about 5 in the bag! Cock bought me a kinder egg it only weighs 20g and thats with a toy so that can’t be that bad for me. Can it?

£180 fucking pound to have my windscreen wipers fixed and thats at a discount dealer price! How can such little things cost so much money?! Cancelled my girls night out Saturday suppose I better take my new dress back too. FUCKS SAKE!! The Mr is mad because I’m really pissed off about it but I’m not pissed off at him. I’m pissed off because its a lot of fucking money and I’ve still got to buy a new windscreen yet!!! I HATE FUCKING CARS!

I’ve struggled not to munch today. All the pissed offness has given myself a headache. Why do I let things get to me so much? Luckily Mr D managed to find me a better option a cheap lets glue it together with super strong mechanic glue and see how it goes option. I took this option but my car still wasn’t ready. After a boring afternoon of meeting and training I was concerned I wasn’t going to make it to my PT sess. Theres no way i was going to cancel. I need to be on it!! Manged to get sorted and make it just in time. Todays session was brilliant just the kind of thing I like. I lifted tyres and we sprinted. Maybe we did sprinting to boost my confidence as its the one thing I’m good at or maybe it was just coincidence. The first sprint I had plenty of energy and smashed it. The next 3 I only just won with J right behind me. The last one I was bollaxed and gave up and just jogged. I’m annoyed I gave up  and didn’t give the last one my all. I shouldn’t have gave up. I felt good and I felt motivated. The girls are really good they are positive and encouraging but not in a annoying patronising kind of way. Kat posted a pic of J this week at the beginning less than a year ago and now 5 stone lighter. She looks amazing. I want that to be me. In 10 months time I want to have had a amazing achievement. I’ve decided to rethink my exercise. I need to do this seriously and I need to use J and Ss enthusisum and support and go along to some of this hard core classes with them. They met Mr D tonight when he met me after the session and they called him Mr D. Makes him sound like hes my Mr Darcy or something. I like it.

Saturday 5^th April

Woke up still positive and motivated and left Mr D in bed whlst I went to dance fit. It was busy but Sarah the instructer is the complete opposite to Monotone woman. She smiles and says hello to everyone who walks in, no wonder her class is full. She has the funniest expressions really over the top espically if she does a wrong move. She’d be great in a silent movie. My fave regular was there Len. Len even deserves to have a name in my blog. Hes like a dancing Santa. Anyone that has been going to any classes at Moorways in the last 10 years will know who Len is. He turns up to a lot of the classes and just does his own thing. Does his own moves sings very loudly to his favourites and shouts out random comments. Always happy and hes a pretty good mover for such a old guy. I like him, I’d love to video him hes so funny. He is rather odd and sometimes whispers strange things in your ear but hes one of the few people I am happy talking to in class.

We then got ready and went off to celebrate Mr Ds Nans 70^th and being treat meal I was looking forward to have some good tasty grub. For starter we bother ordered loaded potatoe skins. Now the clues in the title! There was nothing loaded about these potatoe skins! There was 2 greasy potatoe skins scraped out with a small amount of melted cheese swimming at the bottom and a thick slab of barely cooked bacon just sat on the top. I reckon they were skimpy on the potatoes and instead putting the potatoe back in the skins they were using in for mash! SKANKY BASTARDS. I realised the place was run by a old couple that had been there a long time so maybe loaded skins were just too modern for them. I felt more confident about steak and ale pie and chips for main and it wasn’t bad. Unfortuantely chocolate cake and custard for pudding and 2 white wine spritzers made me very podged. Everybody else had the same. Three unhealthy courses but nobody else was over weight. I felt guilty for eating too much as everybody else was happy and merry. Sometimes it just doesn’t feel right, it feels unfair. Some people can just eat what they want, how does that make any sense?!

The day went down hill when I cancelled the night out. The Bessie was driving, another had cancelled and the other was saying she was shattered. It was pain in the arse for me to get to and I would have to catch a bus home to a rough area where I’d probably get robbed as I then had to get a taxi to get home. FUCK THAT! Not for a half hearted night. I’ll wait for a proper sess thankyou. The only other offer I got was to go and see Ladyboys of Bankok. No thanks. I don’t care if youve got a cock or not I don’t really want to spend money on seeing people prance around on stage. I was actually quite happy to stay in and watch some shit TV whilst the Mr when out with the bro.

I must be old happy to spend Saturday night in on my tod!!

JUST BECAUSE I'M EATING HEALTHY IT DOES NOT MAKE ME A RABBIT!!

Sun 23^rd March

Up early which didn’t matter as I’d passed out by 9.30 last night time to do another carbooty and shift some junk out of the shed! It was steady and i stood there people watching for most of the morning. You get a variety of people at Derby carboot!! There was a odd looking girl that stood out for all the wrong reasons. She had red hair shaved on one side that kind of looked like a Mohawk that had grown out and just flopped to one side. I mainly noticed her as she was wearing a vest that looked over stretched with everything bursting out. The sun was shining but it was freezing I had my thick winter coat but you get some that the second they see sun out go out half naked. In the time I was staring at this odd contraption walking towards me it took me a good few minutes to realise that hanging off her arm was Twat. Now at first I found this amusing and then I realised they were getting closer to our stall. Mr D had never seen Twat. I tried to talk loudly as he approached the stall so he’d hear me and fuck off but he was too thick for that so it wasn’t until he spotted some of his old shit on my stall that he realised and quickly scuttled off. I told Mr D. Not sure if this was the right thing but i just tell him everything automatically. I joked he should have smashed him in the face and soon after Mr D went for a ‘walk’. Such mixed emotions. I would love to smash him in the face thats the least he deserves but unfortunately Twat still has a hold of over our house. Dirty fucking BASTARD! I felt like warning the poor odd girl what a complete and utter scumbag he was. Mr D returned looking shifty. Shit what had he done?! He was tempted he followed him a bit. I hope Twat saw him, he would have shit himself he was such a pussy!! Many thoughts had gone through Mr Ds head but he made the right choice and came back. No matter how much he deserves to be beaten to a pulp hes not worth our time or energy. This kind of tainted my day I just wanted to go home close the curtains and snuggling in our little nest with Mr D and the pooch. It was strange later on I saw my other long term ex I won’t call him a name but equally he doesn’t deserve to be known by a letter. Derbys a small place he now lives round the corner from me, his garden backs on to ours but I havnt seen him until today. It just felt like someone was trying to tell me something. My past slapping me in the face, but for what??

Food plan and exercise plan for the week done! I’m back in control!!

Monday 24^th March

Today felt good to wake up and be in control again. I felt positive and knew that nothing would stop me today. I put my jeans on. I don’t normally wear jeans, not because I don’t like them but because I can never get a a pair that fit me well. The nearest I can get on the tall range at Dorothy Perkins. I’m 5ft 8 so not a giant but I often find trousers riding around my ankle area. Not cool when I’m wearing one red polka dot sock and one inside out mans blue sock. I decided to wear them as my legs look pretty good in skinny jeans. Not the thigh area of course bur a nice long top will cover that nicely. So I’m pleased that they look okay in the mirror but they are not particularly comftable. They don’t seem quite long enough in the body. I don’t want muffin top hanging over the edge of my jeans and I don’t want my arse hanging out of my jeans when I’m sitting down. Theres nothing worse than seeing arse hanging out. I mean can’t you feel that your whole arse is on show? Is there not a chill down your crack? And even worse when you have a fat arse like mine. That would really not be a good look for me. I put a belt on to try and stop the arse situation but this meant a belt digging into me all day. I think I may give the jeans a miss for a while.

I made a poster of my head on top of a model modelling the Kelly Brook swimwear range. I stuck it to the fridge at home and on the food cupboard at work. Mr D thought it was hilarious but I'm hoping it will keep me focussed.

Went to the booby shaking class. There was one of the regulars stood at the front. Long blonde hair pulled back, small, fit, matching Tiffany silver neckalace and braclet, inside ear piercing all in black. Moves perfectly like shes in a Pussycat doll video. I overheard her conversation with Camp man saying she always stands infront of the doors so she can’t see herself in the mirror. That she can’t bare to see herself in the mirror because she looks awful. Nice to know I’m not the only one even though it took me by suprise. I guess its not just lumps of lard like me that don’t like to watch ourselves shake it!

Tuesday 25^th March

Started the day positive and wearing a skirt that I havn’t worn for a while because I couldn’t do the zip up. The zip was pretty busted probably after all the times I spent trying to squeeze into but it was defiantly nearly up! Started my day with porridge blueberries and banana and was feeling positive and in a good place. By 10am the smell of meat pie had filled the whole school. Our school is really small so anything cooking in the kitchen spreads throughout the school. This loses the appeal when something burns and the smells lurks around all day.  I was still feeling positive and good about my 5 day plan for food and exercise when the ususal difficult day kicked in at work. If you don’t work in a similar environment you really have no idea how physically and mentally draining the job can be. By lunchtime I’d spent a good part of my day on the physical side. Lifting a 14 year old for reasonable amount of time must be good exercise. Though I was using one side of my body more than the other. Better not do that too often or I’ll end up completely hench (in the words of the kids) on one side and not so much on the other. Maybe I can say to the student ‘wait don’t kick off why I’m on the left hand side it needs to be the right hand side this week’ Obviously there is no time for warm ups. The bottom of my back, shoulders and neck are killing as well as a kick I took to the hand which was already bruising.  I’m knackered and just want to go home. Tuesday is my work late day so unfortunately the gym is off the cards today. Not a excuse.

This evening I cooked stir fry. I bloody hate stir fry but still cook it usually once a week. I can normally pick up a good pack of stir fry veg and a pack of noodles for 10p each so even though I’m not fond its a good cheap healthy meal. I’ve worked out that chilli is the answer to improving it. I marinated the prawns some sliced up tuna all day in chilli and coriander and added a good amount of sweet chilli stir fry sauce from B and M. You can pick them up for about 19p each. Having B and M home stores down the road from where you work is handy for some good bargains but equally very tempting to spend money on candles and cushions and anything else that’s on offer that week!

I do love a bargain.

Wednesday 26^th March

Average day but didn’t end up finishing until 6.30. I was really hoping to go to a class tonight. Kat runs a class on a Wednesday 7.15-8.15 which I was going to but as I sat in traffic back from Leicester 2 hours after I was supposed to finish all I wanted was some nice food and a glass of wine. So that is what I did. I’m not much of a casual drinker I’m a all or nothing kind of girl. Don’t really see the point in just having a couple of drinks. I don’t enjoy alcohol really so I find it a little pointless. But we cracked open one of my birthday bottles ate some chicken and quinoa and watched some Kirsty on the tele. I do love a bit of Kirsty Allsopp especially when she’s looking at bargains. Furnish your home for free? Yes please!! Its got me back in decorating mode. I need to finish scraping that wall and making it look fabulous!!

Caught up on My Mad Fat Diary. Beautiful ending where she gets naked in front of the fittie! Good for her. I’m probably way to into this programme than I should be but she maybe a 16 year old fictional character but I can relate to some of her issues. Its hard getting naked in front of others when you can’t bear to look at it yourself.

Thursday 27^th March

I’m at that stage in the week where I’ve been eating healthy all week and already feeling loads better. My stomachs less bloated my clothes are feeling a little baggier and I just feel better in general. I need to remember how this feels. The food blog does help, writing everything down so you can see how well your doing. Nothing at work is tempting me, not even the smell of pie which was floating through the building again today. Not even the bag of seabrooks ready salted crisps that were left on the side in the kitchen. Crunchy ridged salty yumminess. I’m back in the zone!!!

Went out for dinner in one of the many nice pubs in Ashbourne that do none chainy home cooked pub grub. I thought there would be a fair amount of things I could eat on the menu but unfortunately there wasn’t. You then find yourself in the fight or flee situation. Do you fight and stick to your healthy eating plan or do you just think fuck it and eat what you want. There were a choice of salads and people are always quick to say ‘ooo you can have a salad’ I don’t want a fucking salad! A salad is something I eat for lunch every day something I can put together myself in 2 minutes! If I’m coming out to eat and everybody around me is eating something tasty I want something fucking tasty too! JUST BECAUSE I’M EATING HEALTHY DOES NOT MAKE ME A RABBIT!! Every meal came with chips or dolpheni potatoes. I can’t have either. I opted for steak fajitas I thought this wasn’t a bad option. Sizzling steak, peppers and onions. I didn’t eat all the wraps and tried to go light on the toppings. It was tasty and I think I did okay. Pretty chuffed with that.

Friday 28th March

Shit has hit the fan at work today. I’ve had enough of this bullshit  I was actually happy to fuck off to Leicester. Took my student to tesco to pick her lunch and they had some beautiful dresses! Yes in tesco! The kind you’d wear to a nice spring wedding (not that I’m going to any) With it being pay day I was very tempted but my usual size looked on the large size. Unfortunately if I took 10 minutes to try it on my student would be hanging from the ceiling with a croissant in her mouth and you don’t have such thing as a break. A wee is considered a treat most days. Then I went off to see my new student. We went for a game at Megazone. Now I consider Megazone a competitive sport. Its serious, there’s no way I am going to loose. I intend to win every time. None of this keep the children happy let them win. What is that teaching them?! There was only 4 of us in there me , student, lady who worked there and Herman Murman. Hermon wouldn’t leave me alone he’d appear round every corner and shoot me.How is this little chubby kid who seems to struggle to pick up any speed keep appearing infront of me?! I never seemed to be able to shoot him first I swear he had some invisible force round him so he couldn’t get shot. Little bastard Hermon won hands down. I was happy with second place. A successful afternoon after only seeing her 4 times I’ve managed to get her from I’m never ever fucking going near that school the only way you will get me there is in a police car. ‘Can I come up next week?’ This is why I am not a teacher. My job is to engaged the unengageable and that is what i do best.

My personal trainer session had been cancelled for this evening so after rushing around all day I then rushed to get to the dance fit class. Theres was a sign on the car park meter ‘class cancelled’ i took this as a sign to tell me I’m just not supposed to exercise today!

Decided to relax instead made a healthy homemade pizza and butternut squash chips and we watched ‘saving Mr Banks’ amazing film. Didn’t even bother with a glass of wine didn’t want to waste any calories.

Saturday 29^th March

Up at 6am I must bloody love my mum! Mum was really keen to do a stall at Willington today so even though I was feeling bloody knackered half asleep I was loading my car full of crap when all I wanted to do is have an extra hour and snuggle up to the Mr. As I guessed it wasn’t worth our while and we hardly made any money but my mum was reasonably happy that a few quid is better than nothing! I then dashed home to make a healthy apple pie for this evening Mothers Day Meal and then dashed off again to get tattooed! I like to treat myself to a tattoo with my birthday money every year. Something I think is beautiful. I’m not sure why I went for my arm again because I hate my arms and by getting them tattooed really its only getting people to look at my really fat arms?! But equally its covering the fat up with beautiful things?! I went back to the guy I used to have, hes pricey but you have to pay for quality which is more important than ever when getting inked forever!!Hes a celebrity tattooist these days so its hard to get in with him! He’s recently done Harry Styles, JLS, Rizzle Kicks, Dappy??!! Even been on GMTV lately. Nothing but the best for me! 4 hours later and I was very happy with the result!! Rushed home to get everything ready to take over to the brother new pad! I wasn’t going to drink but the Mr and the bro had decided I could drive, leave my car and get a taxi home. To be fair after my busy day I quite fancied a drink so I didnt object!

Saturday night was now treat night!! Whoop the Mr and I did some nachos with cheese and chillis and roasted peppers for starters!!  Followed by Mr Bs southern fried chicken style curry rice and garlic bread. MASSIVE CARB FEST!! And with alcohol in full flow I was not skimpy on my portion size. After even more drinks we had some of my healthy crumble with some cartedor vanilla ice cream for pud! Unfortuantely 2 marshmellows and chocolate sauce just don’t cut it for me! I wish it did!

Then rapideo came out. Great game and I do like playing games but I CAN’T BEAR CHEATERS!! Not on any level. So I automatically get really annoyed when people start cheating. This often causes conflict at family gatherings and saw me boot my brother out my house on New Years Day. The mums were drunk and playing on the same team and they were cheating. I just don’t see the point? Why play a game if your just going to cheat?! FUCKS SAKE!!! I bit my lip after my bro kept giving me the look but I just don’t want to fucking play if people are cheating.

CHEATERS NEED TO FUCK OFF!!

Shit I'm 30

Sunday 16^th March

Suprisingly didn’t feel too rough today. I was awake early which I always am whether I went to bed at 10pm or 4am. Took a while to get the Mr up he was feeling a little more sensitive than me. He was gutted about the amount of money he’d spent on Mcdonalds and not eaten so of course there was only one answer. Suprising lythe big mac we shared didn’t taste too bad warmed up. The fries not so good. We had a stroll round the carboot for some fresh air and then went to the pub to pick everything up. Gutted all the food had been binned. I thought we’d be sorted for packed lunch for a few days with that lot . I hate waste and I didn’t even get to sample Mr Ds mums coleslaw which I was looking forward to or one of those monster cake pops my cousin made. There was a few slices of mermaid cake, a hand full of sausage rolls, cheese and a mound of unopened discos and mini cheddars which were nearing their sell by date. (obviously I got them cheap) Even though the sun was shining outside we headed home and snuggled up on the sofa with crusty bread, cheese and last night chicken nuggets.

It was like my birthday all over again I had loads of cards and pressies. Though everything had mixed up and I had to ask who had bought the beautiful Cath Kidson cutlery set. They were from Mr G. Should of guessed that. Cool and stylish grown up present. It must be because I’m 30.

Shit I’m 30.

Monday 17^th March

Today we were short staffed again. Me and Minge got the place sorted. We were down to cover food lesson 5 and 6 but the food order had not been done. This also meant no toast for break time. This could cause uproar. Toast and routine are very important in our place. Between us supporting back to back lessons I managed to come up with a lesson that fitted in with the work they’d be doing. Wrote up some recipes and wrote a list of ingredients. Our school needs certain staff to take charge or nothing gets done. I guess some people are born leaders and others aren’t. I then managed to go out and get the shopping for the week for food and general items we needed but before I left I got pulled up. ‘Your going out to take Mr D his phone then’ I’d actually forgot about this. I’d mentioned to Minge this morning Mr D had forgotten his phone and I’ll take it to him on my lunch break. Bearing in mind he works 10 minutes away and I can do whatever I want on my lunchbreak. A manager then took that information missing out ‘on my lunchbreak’ and told Deputy Principle/my brother. So I worked my arse to cover lessons and go above and beyond as usual to be bollocked about something that was innocent again??!! So thats Friday and now today that management have blatantly lied about me when I am one of the members of staff that work my absolute ass off and doing so much extra for this bullshit??!! ABSOLUTLY FURIOUS!! UTTER BULLSHIT!! FURIOUS!!

Nipped in to see my mum after work couldn’t help but get upset.Just had enough of the shit but still went on my way to my Hippy boob shaking zumba class. I was driving down when I saw him. TWAT. I felt physically sick. Just to explain to those of you that don’t know Twat is my ex boyfriend. I nearly married Twat. It was booked and I thank fuck every day I found out before I made that huge mistake. Twat lead a double life. The things he did I’m not even going to start to talk about but it involved multiple deception, head fucks and a secret child. I would love to say I never have to think about him or have anything to do with him ever again but I made a big mistake. 1 month before all this came out I put him on my mortgage. My Mortgage to my house I’d had for over 5 years. My pride and joy. I’d put all my love and everything in to paying for my own house from the age of 23 and now this FUCKING CUNT OF A TWAT who I’d actually attempted to sort the house out after the split and spoke to him amicably which he didn’t fucking deserve said he’d sign the house straight over to me. He then changed his mind and because he some how managed to hear I called him a Twat. Sorry do you not deserve to be called a Twat after everything you did to me? He then tried to take half my house which quickly then asked for £5000 instead to cover expenses such as the deposit his parents put down for a wedding? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!! And that is currently we we are at. I told his solicitor it was joke and I would see him in court. That was October. I’ve not heard anything since. I have a plan and its in action. RANT OVER. I NEVER WANT TO SEE HIS UGLY FACE AGAIN!!

Tues 18^th March

Still feeling a bit all over the place. I taught food again today with my emotions being all over the place I just ate what I wanted. We cooked sausage rolls followed by healthy pizzas which I ate and I didn’t care.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not sad about my past, I’m not angry or feel sorry for myself about what happened. I would go through it all again so I met Mr D. I believe everything happens for a reason and we all get what we deserve in the end. I couldn’t ask for anything more than what I have now I just wish I never had to think about it again and I got my house which is my house!!

TODAY I DON’T CARE. I don't care that I'm fat or that I ate sauage rolls I just want to hide under the duvet.

Wed 19^th March

My early night feeling sorry for myself has made me feel better and more awake today but still struggling to find motivation. No matter how much you try and plan and be organised sometimes you just don't know who your going to see, if your going to get heabutted at work or how your going to feel on a daily basis. These arn't excuses this is just life getting in your way!

Made myself go swimming today. Trying to get my mojo back and get in the zone. Swimming gives me time to ponder over things. Today i was thinking about if I die I would love to be a Eva Cassidy type figure. That my work would get noticed and my blog would turn into a book and then a TV series and thousands of people would laugh and  recognise the same issues I face. Lets hope I don’t die just yet and I actually get  abit thinner before I pop my clogs.

Mr D has bought a x box one this may be a awful thing or it maybe a great thing. Tonight I see it as a good thing. ‘Hun you have a night on the x box don’t worry about me’  and off I potter for a relaxing bubble bath, pjs on and sat in bed to watch My Mad Fat Diary. Tonights episode really got me thinking. She decided to sleep with the other mad guy and as she went to take her clothes off he said ‘no need for that neither of us are a oil paintings’ though this made it easier for her because she doesn’t have to worry about getting naked its not a very good feeling knowing the person your sleeping with is not interested in seeing you naked. This made me think quite a bit. I suppose no matter how unhappy you are with yourself its got to be a good thing that the other person wants to see you naked. Never thought of it really like that before.

Thursday 20^th March

An average shity day at work.

Facebook is doing my head in. Its full of random birds you once worked with or went to school with close ups of ther faces without make up. Half of them don’t wear make up in the first place so feels rather pointless. So there all saying ‘Here is my none make up selfie for cancer awareness’ Do not get me wrong I’m all for making money for charity and supporting a good cause but how is that raising awareness or making money? People are just using it as an excuse for a close up pic of their face!! So I did one myself but mine said ‘I’ve donated my £3 for cancer research and included the number to the text to sponsor. If were going to do this lets do it right!!

We had a healthy tea tonight but we end being starving by 10pm. We sat in bed watching TV when stomachs rumbling we got the idea in our head we wanted crisps. This is bad enough when one of us gets this thought ast least the other one can try and talk sense. Nope we both wanted crisps so we had one each but we didn’t stop. One bag was just not enough like naughty children we ran downstairs and got another bag each. It actually could have been worse Mr D wanted to go down for a 3^rd!! We didn’t. BASTARD GAVE IN TO THE CRISPS AGAIN.

Friday 21^th March

Nice to be wanted at work today. Was originally supposed to be going out to Leicester as the student out there works well for me but I was asked for to work the football tournament. Can’t moan because it also meant I got free breakfast at Franky and Bennys. Eggs, bacon (I took off the fat) and beans, nice change from my porridge and banana. Unfortunately I didn’t play any football that would have been a nice bit of exercise in work time! We used to get lots of opportunities to do exercise in work time which is always good but it has dried up a bit at the moment then tend to send out the men that are good at football lol.

I’ve decided next week I have to start my health kick seriously again. Its getting stupid now I’m snacking and grazing at work and I’m not even contemplating saying no or that shouldn’t be having it. This afternoon it was my idea to get the biscuits out! MY IDEA!!! I can’t even blame being tempted by other peoples goodies. It was my idea and I hang my head in shame. Tonights PT session was good as always Kat worked us hard. The other 2 girls are doing so well. Theres nothing on S. She has the tiniest waist. They both wanted to get measured tonight but there was no way I was going too. I’ve been celebrating my birthday for weeks and slipped back in to old habbits I don’t want to measure myself. Everything of mine will be double S. J is doing amazing she looks so good. She talked about how she had treat night last night at Cosmo. (The buffet I went to the other month) her treat was 2 marshmellows and a small bit of melted chocolate??!! When am I going to get to that stage?? The stage where I don’t even want a treat anymore?! I can’t imagine ever getting to that stage. Kat measured my waist even though i wasn’t kean. I made sure it was away from the other girls its just embarrassing next to them. I cried on the way home. Upset that I’d slipped and let myself down again. I always let myself down. I got home and failed to hide my misery to Mr D and even though all I wanted to do was hide under the duvet he convinced me going to one of my fave pubs for some nice food would cheer me up. I didn’t really want to get ready but I did and I was pleasantly surprised when the barman happily changed my chips to sweet potatoe and changed the onion rings to salad. I checked out my measurements at the end of bootcamp. The measurements say I’ve lost 11 inches in 7 weeks since bootcamp on my middle. This did cheer me up maybe I hadn’t fucked up completely and these healthy meals I cook and exercise is still paying off or more likely and I’m pretty sure this is the case I didn’t measure quite the same place as Kat did so its probably a lot lower. Either way any inch loss is a win.

Sat 22^nd March

Feeling much better today, feeling positive and ready to take this on to the full again!! We decided to change treat night to Saturdays. It just doesn’t feel right working so hard at my personal trainer session on a Friday to then have a treat straight after. We went for a nice dog walk burnt off a few calories before heading to Notts for a afternoon drinking. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go at first I don’t have a lot in common with Mr Ds friends. There very geeky and into there ale and talk about musical instruments and other geeky things. I really just don’t have more in common with them but it had been a while since I’d had a nice cheeky afternoon drinking and the sun was shining! I instantly regretted it I struggled to find anything to talk to these people about. Don’t get me wrong I have nothing against these people. Mr Ds best mate is lovely geeky little man that wears his waistcoat everytime hes out for somebodies birthday. I like him but as a group geeky conversation was in full flow. As we arrived in Notts the heavens opened, 15 minutes walking later we arrived at our destination. Soaked to the bone and looking awful. They had no light beer which is what i fancied so I opted for a spritzer. No lemonade. I was struggling to keep my cool. 2pm and on the straight wine not my best idea. Mr D then got me a homebrewed apple cider. I’ve been avoiding all the lovely fruity sweet ciders I used to drink regulary as Kat told me to steer clear as they are just pure sugar! BASTARD!  Always have to stay clear of the best stuff. bBut this was homebrewed stuff without all the crap .A few pints later and I was much happier, the group had split and we were in the lest geeky half which I could just about deal with!! Many drinks later we arrived home sitting in bed. I was trying to find somewhere that did nice healthy curries with good chunks of meat and vegetables in town. I nice curry house we could go to without all the oil. Do they exist? Why can't there be restaurants espically for people clean eating?? We we that drunk we couldn't handle a restaurant anyway and had a curry ordered in bed by 8pm.Turned out it didn’t really matter as it was so spicy i couldn’t eat much anyway. Obviously this pissed me off. BASTARD CURRY HOUSE! And they forgot the rice!