How the fuck do you get peas wrong?

23/06/14 So I am into my third week of my new job I already feel quite settled. It was strange at first starting all over again not knowing what everyone was chatting about in the staff room wondering if it would ever be like before with the 3 Amigos  filthy jokes and discuss everything from wet farts to Minge shaving her fanny! Those were the days! So I may not be cracking out any filth yet but I’m happy to make a dick out of myself, saying my ideas and getting stuck in! The girls in my team arn’t all skinny birds and are trying different things to loose weight. One is on a crash diet of milkshake and soup on the run up to being a bridesmaid. Oh how I can relate to this! Now these are my kind of ladies!! The young people are starting to get to know me and I’m started to get to know their routines as well as getting used to my own. Mr D is getting used to me working three lates a week, I think hes secretly happy that he gets more x box time. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that!!

24/06/14 When you work a evening in residential you have to sit and eat the food provided by the kitchen and encourage the students to eat it also. The staff warned me the food was shit. THE FOOD IS FUCKING DISGUSTING!! Its inedible but the kids just eat it so we can’t really complain. I really have no idea how this guy could of got the job because its so bad. Maybe hes got one signature dish and he wowed them with it. Well I tell you now it wasn’t lasagne with a spoon full of the cheapest mincemeat and no actual cheese and it wasn’t the breaded plaice that didn’t taste of fish, meat or anything or the garlic bread which was just a dry piece of bread that hadn’t seen any kind of garlic. Even the safe other option of jacket potatoe are just hard and microwaved and the peas are a mixture of rock hard and soft. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU GET PEAS WRONG??

25/06/14 I went back to a class at the council today and realised this is where I needed to be. Walking in and seeing a variety of regular faces instantly made me feel better. Everyone all shapes and sizes and not judging anyone. Camp man was there with his eyebrows even more plucked than usual, the bouncy koreon lady thats is definaty to old to be wearing bright yellow lyrcra, the man with one leg and Posh Spice. Posh Spice is a lady with a perfectly neat bobbed hair, always wears black and never breaks a sweat. She doesn’t put any energy into any of the class and does as little movement as possible. Her make up is done perfectly and she never smiles or talks to anybody. This is exactly how I imagine Victoria Beckham exercises. The class was run by the the hippy, shake your boobs hip hop lady with her usual sweaty crotch. It was good to be back!

26/06/14 Today was the day I was getting back on it! I went downstairs this morning and my lodger had filled the kitchen with homemade chocolate brownies. One dish hadn’t worked out and was quite messy so obviously I picked at the outside crispy bits and the inside guey goodness!! I went back for more until I knew if I picked at it anymore she would realise. Even if she was going to bin it! I decided I didn’t want this to ruin my healthy start and to get straight to the gym for a morning class before work. It was hippy boob shaking lady taking the class for monotone which I was glad I’m not sure monotone would be getting me back into the exercise zone!! I was told in my first 5 minutes by 3 different people that my trousers were inside out! Okay I get it now I’m hardly going to strip them off infront of everyone and change them round! The class was pretty good lots of squatting and toning. I like to think I’m pretty hard and could look after myself if need be but my arm strength is shit! My legs are pretty strong, if I ever get mugged I’ll have to karate kick them or just poke them in the eye. Mr D has gone off to Glastonbury today and it will be the longest time weve spent apart since the beginning of our releationship! I might just miss him a little bit ;)

 Work today was pretty average playing outside, routine and bed time. Thursday night is my sleep in night. For tea tonight it was carbonara it consisted of a wishy washy cream coloured sauce that tasted of nothing with floaty bits of very faty bacon and some celery and pasta. It was vile it looked like sick I felt bad giving it to the students. It was my sleep in at work tonight but by 9.30pm I was starving so I had to go and raid the staff fridge knowing exactly what was in there. Today was the nurses last day and she’d been talking about every day for the last 3 weeks that she’d had shipped in Cornish pasties from Cornwall! That is some effort getting a pastie shipped all the way I was expecting something amazing, gold plated meaty fucking goodness! I only went and picked the wrong fucking one and ended with some broadbean veggie shit for fuck sake!

27/06/14 I didn’t sleep too bad and at least this morning I didn’t get woken up at 6am by the cleaner clonking around with her mop bucket. My boss walked in my room as I was doing my hair. Good job I wasn’t fucking naked! She did apologise at least if I was in the buff that would be enough to scare anyone off! Work was fine and went pretty quick. I’d bought some 18p reduced vegetable soup in for lunch to start getting back at track but it tasted shit so I had to dunk some white bread in it to make it edable! After work I had to go back to my old job. Even though I totally love my buddies there and with Hitler no longer there anymore but I didn’t really want to go back. I’ve already moved on and put that in the past but I went anyway as Minge had worked really hard so I got a proper goodbye speech like everybody else does and a nice big fat pressie! It was a shame Golden Balls was there because I was pleased to see everybody else I hated seeing his face smiling at me and being polite. Fuck off! You don’t like me so don’t smile at me! You don’t like me because I took Hitler down and now you cant just flash your £2,000 a tooth smile and flex your muscles to get what you want you’ll have to actually work! Golden Balls will no longer his golden balls them polished in Hitlers mouth! Just plain old wrinkly hairy one like everyone else! I got plenty of pressies so people had dug deep to bless them but it still felt a bit weird and I felt akward being there. It took me 2 and a half minutes to convince Minge that she had to drink and not drive which made me much happier!  It was a good night, good turn out of folks and only a few of my faves couldn’t make it. Plenty of booze was consumed and we headed to the dodgy end of town for some karaoke to find there was no karaoke on!! Very disappointed but before we realised it was 1.30am and I found myself running down the street to make it to The Bless before closing time!  My mate Mr G who now lives in Dubai came to join us which was fantastic! Great to see him!A few beverages and a bit of boogieing later I was wobberling into Mcdonalds, getting back in my taxi and sharing a chocolate milkshake with the pooch.

28/06/14 I’m really missing Mr D now. When your hungover you always need the love of your other half that little bit more. Someone to give u a bit of sympathy and to make you a pint of orange squash! I wasn’t thinking such nice thoughts of him when his alarm clock went off at 7.05am and then I couldn’t go back to sleep! I got up and went in search for a nice piece of flapjack. I love it when your hungover and you know exactly what you want to eat. The thought of anything greasy made me want to throw up but I really wanted some oaty goodness. All I drove past were endless co-ops and sainsburys express! No I don’t want a shity coardboardy over priced flapjack I want a nice little deli or little caf that did a nice bigfat slab of flapjack! In the end I had no choice to make do with average over priced flapjack. With the bit of energy I still had prob because I was still drunk I bought some flowers and did a spot of gardening. I planned to do more so it would be a nice suprise for wen Mr D got home but all work stopped when the postman came! I felt like I knew what it was when I picked up the envelope. Twats solicitor. The letter I’d spent a year waiting for. He’d agreed to the payment of £2,000 to take him off the mortgage. My house was going to be my house again. Finally I can end that whole fucking shity chapter of my life fully for good and be free to sell my house whenever I choose!! After making a few phone calls in true rock and roll style I went to celebrate. I took my grandparents out for lunch! I was in need of the carbs and knew a average shop bought sarnie wasn’t going to cut it. Kill 2 birds with one stone and keep the wrinklies happy! A made a good choice (when I say good I mean tasty not healthy) of a brie and bacon panni. You really can’t beat a good sandwhich. Shame they forget the red current jelly but I was feeling way to rough to bother asking staff for it. Unfortunately the coleslaw was shit! I fucking hate cheap shity coleslaw! I love a good bargain but coleslaw is one thing not to go cheap on!! Get back in that kictchen and get the chef grating up some onion, carrot and cabbage! Its not that bloody hard! After that even though the oldies were hinting at a trip to the garden centre I just couldn’t face any more people time and hit the sack! At 5.45 I thought it was time I better get out of my unmade bed and sort myself out. My room was still full of dresses on the floor and mcdoanald wrappers. No covers on the bed so I get my arse in gear and then headed off to my bessies hubbys 30^th BBQ. I aint guna lie I was more looking forward to what bargains I could at reduced time on the way than the actual BBQ. Not that theres anything wrong with my Bessie or her husband I actually really like spending time with them. My Bessie thinks I’m rude and don’t like talking to new people. Alot of her friends just arn’t the kind of people I hang around with they are outdoorsy types that talk about canoeing and ponds their all nice but their just not the type to spend their spare time talking utter bollocks and filth like my friends! The thought of going on my own and not drinking sucked at least if you get trashed you don’t care so much. I was pleasantly surprised that there was a few of her chums I like and had a good natter about losing weight and weddings. Which are pretty much my fave subjects lol! I could of happily sat and nattered longer but I started feeling like utter shit so left. I didn’t even get a hotdog so had to make do with stuffing my face with a few stuffed potatoe skins when exiting the building! No more excuses tomorrow I am getting on it!!

29/06/14 Oooshh up and to Insanity! First time I’ve gone back to one of Kats classes but it was at a big venue and I took Mrs B with me so was feeling okay about it. I’ve heard how hard Insanity is so I was a bit worried it would be just too hard for a fat bird. I had visions of me just passed out my fave in my own puke whilst the fitties just danced next to me. The first thing Kat said was nobody has been sick in a class yet but just go out the door if you need the fresh air. Bollocks I thought I was going to be the bloody first then!! I knew a few girls there the usual regulars. One of the personal trainer girls said ‘I didn’t expect to see you here’ I wasn’t really sure how to take that. Don’t think I can handle it?! Well I could!  I was pleasantly surprised that I wasn’t too bad at all. It was hard and I did feel sick at times but I also did pretty good at times. I struggled with some of the fancy press ups where you have to stick a arm up there and a leg out there balance on your bloody little finger. There were other bits that I powered through even on the odd occasion (okay only one) I did the high level when a lot of the fitties had gone down to low level by that point!! Get me, the fit fat bird!! Oooooshh!

I then went off for a roast with my friends to a pub that was a little bit of a trek but I’d heard it did a amazing carvery. After my morning of work my ass and apparently burning 2,000 calories I had very good intentions that I was just going to go for turkey and vegetables and then I saw it... all different beautiful roast meats, giant home made Yorkshire puddings, crispy slow cooked roast potatoes with rosemary mmmm!! I went for beef and one of the beautiful Yorkshires but I tried to pick the smallest and I still filled up on my veggies so not quite as good as I intended but not too bad! Mr D was hungover damp, muddy, ill and missing home so he decided to come home early! Even though I was more than happy to have my Mr D back early I wanted to make sure he made the right choice and not waste his money coming back early but it was what he wanted. It was great to have it back even full of man flu. Bloody love this man!!