'Shouldn't of ate jam on toast, should have taken a shit'

3/11/14 I’d not really thought about what was happening today. I think my mind blocked it out on purpose, it wasn’t until I was stood all in black in the queue at the cremetorem that it hit me. Back here only weeks off 5 years since I last stood here but last time I was at the front everybody staring at us and telling us how sad they were for our loss. This time was different though surrounded by similar faces of the whole clan of my dads side of the family. Cousins, second cousins, not so many Aunts and Uncles anymore. All with the same family trates. Were an intresting bunch of folks stood infront of us was a woman wearing a blanket and Terry Tibbs! Spitting image of Terry Tibbs! The older men on this side of the family are all Terry Tibbs and Delboy Trotter dodgy dealer old leather jacket and flat cap kind of blokes. I had to laugh or I’d cry. My grandparents (from mums side) and mum came. Loads of old folks. I swear old folks like to go to funerals. ‘Thats Beryl she lived next door but 3 to me when I was 23 years old. Its her Uncles funeral I said hello to him once so we must go pay our respects’ In front of me was a lady I recognised from fat club. Not someone I had really spoken too but a chatty member of the group. I really didn’t feel like making chit chat to be honest I was only just chatting to my brother. I didn’t really want to talk to anyone. She hadn’t spotted me. The first time I came here for my Uncle we kept thinking my dad who was sitting next to us was next. He was next and now 5 years on I am here thinking of my dad again. We went in and started with a hymn. I like a good hymn, its easy to forget where you are when your singing about green hills in ancient times and golden bows. My brother looked at me confused and I realised I’d pointed at the wrong song and he nearly blasted out ‘Amazing Grace’ When we sat down and the man stood at his wooden desk at the front I was instantly transported to 5 years ago. The more he spoke the more upset I got. Not for my Aunty but for my dad. Everything felt the same, everything felt fresh. That knot in my stomach and my heart aching for the loss of my dad. The coffin sitting in exactly the spot my family on the front row. It felt like I was about to go up and do my speech again. By the end the tears were in full flow and I needed to go to my dads tree. It didnt feel right going to go and speak to the family when I was struggling to think about my Aunty. I felt bad for it and selfish that at my Auntys funeral my tears weren’t for her. I had to get out and as I did the lady from fat club smiled at me. I was in no state for small talk and made a quick exit, behind the family to my dads plaque, my dads tree. I hoped nobody would follow I wanted  a bit of time with my dad but mum was quickly behind me. She knew it was about my dad. She said hello to him too. My Uncle and cousin weren far behind also paying repects to the other fallen brothers. Maybe not so selfish to think of others at this hard time. I spent some time thinking of my Aunt and what a kind hearted lady she was. A sad time for all the family. I miss my dad.

I went to the pub afterwards. The Mackworth hotel. The place everybody goes for their wake. Its depressing I never want to go either places again. The family looked smaller today. 5 of them have passed in the last 5 years. It was good to chat to my Uncle and a few cousins. I dont really see them but it was so nice to hear them telling stories and chatting about my dad. I guess the people I spend time with dont really talk about my dad much.

I shadow hung over me for the rest of the day. I felt like crawling under the duvet and not coming out.

The night went down hill. After visiting the caravan and Mr D not being quite happy with it we popped to the shop then headed home. I went within myself and didn’t feel like talking. I had a bubble bath but didn’t stay in long enough to read my book. I went downstairs and tried to concentrate on some Heroes. I felt sad and got really upset. Not been that upset since he died. I dont really understand it.                                                               

04/11/14 So tired but couldnt get back to sleep. My eyes are puffy and I look like crap. I feel like a zombie strolling around the house. I really need to try and get some more sleep if Im going to get through a evening shift. I don’t feel like seeing people or speaking to people. I didn’t do much this morning just some washing and walked the dog. Cooked some roasted pepper pasta for lunch and then it was time to go back to work. Never easy after a week off. I arrived to find out Ofsted were in so everybody was feeling a little stressed. I had completly mixed up dinner. My usual potatoe and beans but the kids had mushy peas so I thought beens as there syn free I might as well. Beans, salad and mushy peas is not the best combo! By the time I got home I wanted something proper but just had a bag of pom bears in bed. So many of my syns are on crisps. How I love crisps!

05/11/14 Weigh in day! I actually look forward to fat club day! I know Ive stuck to it and look forward to stepping on the scales and watching more weight go forever! And seeing my new fat club chums is always good. I took a sneaky weigh in at work and thought I’d lost about a pound. I knew I’d not lost anymore than that. I’d dashed out the house in a rush  and forgot my yogurt for breakfast. The kids had jam on toast it looked and smelt so good I just had to have some! I never eat jam but it just smelt good.I then spent the next few hours fretting and worrying about eating jam on toast before weigh in! And it was white bread!! Why before weigh in would I get a craving for jam on toast??!!  I made my roasted pepper and light phili and spinach pasta to take with me to fat club. Busy today and had to have that awful wait to get weighed. Time to stand and wait ‘shouldnt of ate jam on toast, should of had a shit, shouldn’t of ate jam on toast, should of had a shit!’ 1lb off!! Thats good enough for me! This is the weekend I was worried about double Halloween celebrations including a 3 course meal and drinks and I bloody did it!! Still lost!! It might be slow but I am on fire!! Good natter with my fellow dieters. The leader even made us campfire stew and mushy peas! (Still ate my pasta) and a little pot of that too. Free 0 syn grub in class, well what a bloody good class!! I realised I’d left my phone at home disaster. Going to be 12 hours without it!! Cant tell anyone how good Im doing! Damn!! I stashed a couple of goodies in my bag for after fat club. A sausage roll that I’d microwaved and put in foil. It had gone hard. It must be a sign I should not be having cheeky none syned treats! Luckily I wasn’t hungry but I did have a little chocolate milkshake in my bag! Need just a little bit of naughty choclateyness. Off I went to work phoneless! It was a really lovely evening at work all settld back in after half term. I had the usual jacket potatoe for tea but have grazed a bit tonight.  Weve done healthy pizza for the kids supper so I grazed on low fat cheese and sweetcorn. I then had a slice of wholemeal bread with light philly and when  got home I had some hula hoops. This is a really bad habbit to get on to on weigh in day! I refuse to turn in to one of these bingers that order a 15 inch super pizza with everything whilst their still in the bloody queue to get weighed! Nope, nope. One small treat after weigh in and thats it!! I will not stray to the dark side!!

06/11/14 I was still half a sleep when Mr D got up but I couldn’t get back to sleep. I pottered around like usual having a bit of a tidy up then time for councelling. I knew all I would talk about this week would be my dad. Its obviously still playing on my mind as I just burst straight into it. I came out with lots of old stories. Skimmed over all the bad ones I guess. Alsorts popped out being 13 years old when a girl my age from the next street knocked on my door and told me my dad had passed out outside her house, to not wanting to bring my friends home incase he was drunk right up to once mum had kicked him out and then all the things me and my brother had to deal with after that. Not turning up to his sons wedding, the big guys threatening to kill him whilst and cried and gave them money, setting his flat on fire, trying to get him sectioned, getting the police to break into his house, fits, his mental health detearing and not knowing who his son was until the day my brother found him dead. Thats a lot of ground to cover in a hour. Which she reminded me was 25 years of my life. I guess you don’t always think of it like that. She asked me things like 'how do I see my dad now. The one who did all this or ‘daddy’ from my child hood.?' She said that no wonder I over stress and over worry. In my conclusion I’m like this because of my dad. Nothing I didn’t know and she said that.

I left feeling slightly sick and my chest feeling tight. I felt the need to keep busy. I don’t even feel I can write about it today. Im going to busy myself with Christmasy things before work.  I had many left overs in the fridge so just chucked in the oven some potatoe, peppers, bacon and some tomatoes and chillis. Would have been nicer if I’d had time to leave it longer. Time soon went quick and time for work again. I had to go into mcdoanlds to pick up the kids stuff but it didn’t tempt me to be honest. I feel tired and its dark and dreary I want chocolate cake and custartd. Im going to do some baking this weekend and it eat it all! Syn it of course! I only ate half my dinner as we have it at 4.30 before we go swimming.  I’d used leftover ingrediants with the girls to make a good veggie omelette and had a few chips and salad. We had a great swim, did some aqua where we did lots of jumping and marching. Good for the kids and for me! We headed back and I had the rest of my homemade chips for supper with a few baked beans and sprinkling of light cheese. Before bed I had 2 chocolate brownie bars. I felt fat, stodged and like I’d be really naughty! When actually I’d only used 6 syns!! Triple potatoed it today!! Not good, good job I didn’t have them for breakfast too! Thursday is officially potatoe day! I am a fucking spud!!

07/11/14 I didn’t sleep quite as bad as usual so I felt okay today. We still had some left over ingrediants still from cooking so cooked mushrooms and spaghetti for breakfast. The day went pretty quik watching the kids swim in the morning. Avoiding 2 different lots of cookies when I got back. Home made chunky yummy ones and big soft gooey looking shop bought ones. I was tempted to have one knowing I was cooking tonight and had some syns but decided I didn’t think I could just eat one so didn’t risk it. Who eats one cookie? Not a fat bird! I ate my 2 slimming world bars instead. The weather was awful today dark grey and hammering it down.  I hid away for my lunchbreak and read my book for half an hour and ate my pasta. In the afternoon we went bowling and that was it day done!

Weve decided to buy the caravan we went to see. Its small and old and originally worried about the sky light but weve got him down to £200. Me and Mr D were going to spend money this weekend anyway so we thought bugger it we’ll take a risk and get the caravan! We can do it up and make it look all pretty hopfully by News Years Eve so we can go on our little road trip! Thats our Christmas present to each other. Exciting, better get on pintrest for some ideas how to do her up!

Normally I head straight home but I didn’t feel quite as sleepy as normal and had got some crusty bread for my grandparents so popped to see them and had a diet coke. I also wanted to pop in B and M to get some paint ready for the caravan cupboards! (very exciting) and stock up on diet coke and get some ingrediants ready for cooking. After sitting in traffic for nearly a hour I started preparing the Friday night fakeaway! This weekend I don’t want to drink or eat takeaway so I know exactly what syns Im having and hopfully lose more than 1lb. I did the Chinese chicken curry in the slow cooker with mayflower  sauce but there could of done with being more sauce really. I then did some egg friend rice and king prawn noodles. Not exactly like it would be from the Chinese but not bad! We watched a film but it had subtitiles and talked a lot about war and history so I was easily distracted. I started planning a Christmas get together. Starting at teatime so it doesn’t effect my friend with children in routine. Every year we have a Christmas quiz night and we used to always have a Christmas night out in town with a theme every year. Elves, snowmen, The Nativity. The Nativity was my fave but was before the Mr D days. I went as a king though Im not sure having a drawn on beard and mustouche is a particulary flattering look for me. This year will be quizness, mulled wine and christmasyness then into town to also celebrate my bro’s birthday. Double whammy!! Whislt half watching a film half planning festive fun I ate a box of milado dime. There were amazing and 15 syns for the wole box. Been as im not drinking or eating takeaway its all about the snacks this weekend!! 15 syns well spent followed by a late night packet of space raiders. This was just out of greed. Ive had a greedy few days just because Ive got syns. Nope Im not going to ruin it this week, I will not over snack. I am knocking this on the head!!

08/11/14 Strange after all last night snacking I woke up hungry! I must be feeling better about myself because whilst Mr D dozed next to me I started looking at wedding dresses. The dreaded wedding dress!! And quite quickly I found a photo of exactly what I wanted. Unfortunately it was a made in China dodgy cheap jobby. Im not risking that! I got given a few names of dress makers and emailed one that my Bessie sent me. I sent her the picture and she said this would be no problem. I’ll probably speak to a few. My mum sounds disappointed she desperately wants me to go to endless wedding shops and try on lots of dresses. Not right now mum Im too fat to fit in any!! This dress is perfect. Beautiful lace sleeves and ¾ length none of this tripping off the tril when Im drunk or at the farm. Long dresses are not for festivals and to be honest I always wanted a short one. I just didn’t want it to looklike just a prom dress or a nice dress you could wear to a posh party. I want it still to look like a beautiful wedding dress. Lace and pretty. I think this is it!!

Its caravan day!!! Off we went in the pouring down rain to get our caravan ‘Wilma’  the good thing about it absolutely pissing down last night and today so we’d quickly see any sign of leaks or damp. Luckily there wasn’t. We had to sit in silence trailing it home, Mr D needed complete silence to concentrate on towing it. We made it in one piece but then we had to get it on the drive. We decided we could push it up. That failed miserably and with just the 2 of us we could not get it up infront of the house. Luckily our nextdoor neighbours arrived home at exactly the right time with 3 of us pushing manovering and some wood to help get partly on to the woodchips we had it on. Not exactly where I thought it would be and it mean I can no longer park on the middle bit of the drive but you can still see out of the window and you easily get in to the carvan. Score! I didn’t want to waste any time and after sitting in it smiling for 10 minutes whilst Mr D faffed with the electrics I took all the drawers out to sand and paint. Whilst they were drying I baked some wholemeal healthy B bread to make a pizza with and tried to make rolo 2 syn cakes. Unfortunatley I left them in a little too long and the rolos went all squigy! Still ate a few and must remember for next time they ony need a few minutes once the rolos are in the oven! After re painting the cupboards and being very productive finally getting everything put back in the attic I had a bath before homemade pizza for tea! I was actually really pleased with how the homemade bread came out and covered it in peppers chilli, tomatoes, onion and my allowance of cheese. I could have had 2 big slices for no syns but I had to have 3 and make it half the pizza with salad and homemade chips. Great for 3 syns!!

We went off to the pictures to see a science spacey film Mr D wanted to see. Not really my bag but didn’t look awful. Got to keep the man happy. It was only out this weekend and the cinema was rammed full. I hated it when 4 men sat to my left. The film was nearly 3 hours and with my bladder how was I supposed to last that long? There was no way I was going to get up and squeeze past these men with my fat ass in their faces!! I would rather nearly burst! No one needs my lump trying to squeeze past. At first this made me anxious and I really don’t like people being that close to me. I hardly drank any diet coke because i daren’t risk it. The film turned out pretty good so took my mind off it and I just sat listened and enjoyed my curly wurly. Good night after all.

09/11/14 Woke up at 8am wanting to get in the caravan. As a lay in bed with Mr D fast off heavy breathing next to me I was thinking how I would get up and start cleaning it. I then had a new plan that I would go to the carboot to look for fabric for the seating. I quickly showered but it was foggy then the sun started peeping through. Got my wolly hat and a bit of lippy on and off I went. It was pretty good there was plenty of things I could have bought today. I went to a stall (with nice clean looking people) and they had some beautiful floral curtains. I know Mr D said no floral but I think a bit of floral would be okay? They were beautiful thick fully lined curtains and only £5 but then I spotted they had yellow floral ones too. Mr D likes a bit of yellow and they came in 2 sizes. Which to get? Yellow wasn’t in the plan! She said £10 for all 3 pairs, SOLD!! Proper bargain! It was a massive heavy bag so I said I’d come back for them. A few stalls down and I saw another long pair of red thick curtains for £3. BOOOOOOOM!! I bought them as well. I had to make 2 trips to the car armed with all my fabulous goodies! Me and Mr D found a middle ground and went for the red for the bottom of the seats and the red floral for the top cushions. The yellow floral turned out perfect for the front room and I used one of the spare cushions as a throw on the opposite sofa.  Really chuffed with that result. We popped to Homebase but the paint was double the price and with Mr D wanted super glue and sandpaper as well I convinced him to trek over to B and M instead. He really wanted a light browny/mushroomy colour which I wasn’t complety convinced on but I do have to let him have some say so we went with that. I then spent the next few hours painting all the wood in the caravan. Mr D did all the sanding and then cleaned all of the outside. We stopped for leftover pizza and salad and then went back to do it all over again for a second coat! I crashed and burned about 4pm knackered!!

Get us with our busy productive sensible weekend!!

Fell off the wagon for the first time

27/10/14 Woke just feeling tired which soon led to me feeling really crappy. Banging head and feeling sick. Like a hangover even though I haven’t drank all weekend? First day of half term and Im in bed watching Homes under the hammer. (seem to watch this alot lately) Genuinly wanted to get to the gym this morning. Ugh.

I really want to stuff my face with a big pile of buttery toast! That feeling when your just not feeling great and you want carbs. I really want bread. Theres a chicken baguette, nice tiger crust one in the fridge that cost 10p. Really wanted to smash super free for the rest of the week as I still feel bad about Friday nights chicken meat and chips. Ive syned it! Its within my syns but I still feel bad for it? The good thing about slimming world is I may not be able to have a pile of toast but I cant have something good that feels naughty! Home made chip butty for lunch it is. I felt more hungry by the time my chips were nearly done so it ended up being chips, veggie sausages and mushy peas for lunch. I will stick to plan.

I stayed in bed all day drifting on and off to sleep. Feeling crappy and exhausted. Before I knew it was 5pm. Luckily I’d put Sunday dinner leftovers in the slow cooker so no dinner cooking required. I was feeling better by the time Mr D got home and was so happy to see him. I had an old pair of velour jogging bottoms on that I remembered I had at the back of my cupboard (no they did not say juicy on the back!) and my fave leopard hoody with ears on the hood. That is my proper ill hoody!

We snuggled up on the sofa and ate stew in the warm. For a left over stew with some added stock it was pretty damn bloody good! Winter is here.

28/10/14 I felt okay today. Maybe it was just a 24 hour thing or it was the smelly quork I ate. (I put it on my chicken kebab meat and then moaned at Mr D for having smelly feet. Turns out it wasn’t his feet it was the empty pot of quork which had mould on the lid! I didn’t notice anything) Working with my new student in the holidays. There was loads of fantastic things I can do with G. First the cinema to watch Tennage Mutant Ninja Turtles ‘heroes in a half shell, TURTLE POWER!’ I got to the cinema armed with my homemade chicken and bacon salad, diet coke, 2 light mini baby bells and 2 slimming world bars. (No syns for me today!) We sat down at 11.20 before the adverts even started. The whole lot was gone by 12 before the film actually started. Luckily I hadn’t bought anything else to tempt me.Me and G went back to my house armed with 3 boxes of weight watcher cookie mix and some dazzles and made little cookies for Minge. I put some ribbon and a label round the jar. Unfortunately the cookies crumbled but managed to roll them into little cookie balls. We didn’t have enough time so thought I’d finish them when I got home. I popped in to see an old friend afterwards. It wasn’t so long ago she was one of my best friends for many years but it was only the second time Ive seen her in the last 14 months. It wasn’t weird or akward, we just nattered solidly for 2 hours and vowed to do it again soon.Sometimes life is too short, you have to bite the bullet and do what YOU actually want. Would I like some of my old best friends to be around at the most important times of my life, yes I would.

I fell off the wagon for the first time. Did it have to be the night before weigh in??! I feel sick and I am so disappointed in myself. I got back and finished off the cookied for my friend. So many crumbled and wouldn’t go into cookies so I ate them. I ate all the chocolatey crumbs, Ive no idea how many syns Ive gone over by. 8? More? Im not eating anything now until after weigh in. I feel miserable.

People write these little comments and it’s like a little dig. Like some people don’t want you to do well. ‘Told you so’  They want to be the star of the show the one thats lost loads of weight. Always the fucking expert. Ive said it before and I’ll say it again I write a Blog and have a page for positivity. To help you stick to it, help each other out. Sod off if not!!

Im worried that if I gain tomorrow this will push me over the edge and I’ll be miserable and want to eat! Then the endless cycle will begin again. I really don’t want to gain L

29/10/14 Up and about early this morning, Im just not good at staying in bed. I beat myself up about it if Im in bed after 8am. Belly already rumbling but I don’t want to risk putting on, might let myself have a cereal bar. I’ll start with a power walk with the pooch. After putting on one of my fave dresses 2 months ago today it feels rather baggy round the middle. Whooooo!! Im starting to feel that I may have over reacted with the cookie crumbs. If I had used all my Wednesday syns this morning it wouldn’t of been 15 that I used in crumbs so Im feeling okay. Im actually feeling thinner. I power walked the dog anyway but it wasn’t as none stop as I planned as the pooch stopped, sniffed, weed up every tree, bin, lamppost and peice of litter on the floor! Managed to power through without the cereal bar. I was feeling pretty hungry when it got nearer to class and I did something naughty I got a small Cornish pasty out of the freezer (that I’d bought for 10p) put it in the oven then wrapped it in foil for after weigh in. I know, I know! All Ive done is bang on about not having treats after weigh in but Im not going to binge! Im out of routine this week with it being half term and I just feel like having a little bit of time off with the food syn obsessing. Just a few hours! Time for fat club.

Different people spoke to me as I queued to get weighed all asking about me and how Im doing. People must see my post and some I think read my Blog but I realised afterwards how selfish I must seem. One lady asked about my wedding and said she had her hen do this weekend. I then had to get weighed and never had chance to ask her about her. Hope they don’t all think Im a self indulged fucker! I hopped on the scales and was happy with a 1lb weight loss! I did it! I still got a loss, Ive still had a loss every single week and I haven’t let myself down! Never been so happy with 1lb loss! I sat at the back of the class with my ‘fat club fwienddds’ Im genuinely starting to see them as friends too. Its so good to be with people that are obsessed with food and the plan as much as me. People that understand, people that have been fatties and love their grub. After a good natter it was a cover lady again this week which always gets a poorer turn out in class. She was going round the whole class again and how every one did. Its a good job anybody didn’t want the group to know how much theve gained as she told everybody everything. To be honest we culdnt hear that well as some of my friends children were here this week, we got a lot of dirty looks when the kids were a little bit noisy. There kids for Gods sake! I didn’t have any of the sweets luckily they never really tempt me, good job it wasn’t any savoury naughtys going round. Tonight they did slimmer of the month but it doesn’t count if youve put on. So L got in but she’d also put on nearly 2 stone this month and then lost it again. If I put on alot of weight I could lose it again the following week if I worked hard!

 So On the way to my car I was starving and had a quick munch on a barely warm Cornish pasty that I’d burnt round the edges. Good for my diet I only ate a bit of the middle which tied me over until lunch. My old chum who I haven’t seen for 18 months came over from brum for lunh today. It was so good to see him, we worked together quite a few years ago now. We went off for a pub lunch and what I really fancied was a nice sandwhich. Beens Ive just been weighed I’ll do what everybody else seems to do and treat myself. Not going mad with take away, puddings or anything greasy but just a really good sandwhich. I was thinking maybe a panni or a toasty or a bloomer. Mmmm Unfortunately the sandwhich choices weren’t great but then I spotted the ploughmans. That would do nicely before I got tempted by anything too naughty that I’d regret! My buddy had fish and chips and I had quite a healthy ploughmans. Half an apple, some lean ham, salad, a couple of different cheeses and a lovely crusty bit of bread with real butter. I forgot how good real butter it was gooooood. It was so good to catch up. Sometimes you have friends you don’t see that often but it doesn’t matter as long as you stay in touch and have a good catch up from time to time! I then went off to see my Bessie and have a bit of catch up time. I was naughty and had a biscuit and met her very cute new puppy. It was then about 5.30 and went off to see Minge for her birthday. Armed with the homemade jar of cookies that had casued me so much stress! It was so lovely to see her! We chatted none stop for 2 hours before I though I better head home for tea. We still didn’t have enough time to fit everything in. This woman goes off the rador so quickly but Im not going to let her!! A busy day catching with my friends deffo a prodctive one! I headed home and so glad I’d put dinner in the slow cooker. Linda mcartneys meat balls (1 syn for half a pack!) in a tomatey chilli sauce with a big pile of spaghetti. It was yum! Some valuable time with the Mr and it was already time for bed!

30/10/14 Got G again today so I had my yogurt for breakfast and went to collect her. We nipped to the shop to get some food for her lunch and to get some things to make Halloween goodies out of. Homemade decorations are always the best! Ive got a good imagination anyway but now I have found alsorts of goodies on pintrest that only adds to it! We bought some stripey tights so we could make witchs legs like in the wizard of Oz.  We stuffed them with some of Mr Ds old shirts and attached them too a black umbrella to look like her skirt. I then added a pair of old black pointy boots and we cut out a large gold buckle for each out of gold wrapping paper and then hung it outside the front door. It looked pretty good. G had a lovely time. We then got latex gloves and filled each of them with sweets, blew them up a bit and tied them with string. We made 2 baskets full ready for the trick or treaters and put some on a string across the room for my Halloween guests. We made our lunch and chilled out and watched a film for a bit and then it was already time to finish. I enjoyed myself as much as her I love making things!

Feeling fat and bloated I thought I’d get my arse in gear and go to a class. I knew there used to be a dancey one on Wednesdays at 4.30. Perfect as Ive got G until 3. I decided to ring and check it was a good job as its Thursday. Idiot!

Mr D wasn’t feeling very well so I went bargain shopping alone ready for the party. I manged to get a load of good stuff quick and cheap. Crispy potatoe slices, dips and loads of doughnuts that i could put on a string for a game. I managed to finally track down the only wrap you can have as your healthy B choice on Slimming World. Gluten free and £3.25 a pack thats 70p a bloody wrap! I also got some of my light babybells. Thats over a fiver just for two items. This diet is bloody expensive! Good job the rest of it is bargains! Mr D was in bed when I got back feeling very sorry for himself. I gave him the goodies I’d bought him lemsips, paracetamol, iburophen, a apple pastry and a pack of bacon chedders. He didn’t even eat any of them so he must have been ill! Early night for me then. Snuggled up with my book and a man with man flu!

31/10/14 Mr D stayed off today. Thats serious as hes never off sick! I looked after him. Made him breakfast in bed a chocolate crossiant with peanut butter. That is wife material right there! Chocolate peanut butter crossiant and I didn’t even have a sneaky nibble. Damn Im good.  I went up to  in the attic and bringing down all the Halloween goodies. I picked up G at 10 and we spent the next hour and a half decorating the house and making it look very spooky! There were cobwebs everywhere. Every surface was covered in black. The front garden had grave stones and do not enter signs as well as the witches legs we made the day before. We put a skull in the wheel barrow and made it look like somebody had been digging graves. Four bags worth of decorations and the place was like a haunted house. My collection grows and grows every year. We then headed off to zumba aerobics. We were by far the youngest there. It was us and 8 grannies with their gray buns pinned on the top of their heads. Ive been to this class before and its normally a lady in her 50s that teachs it and puts on loads of old tunes that even I don’t recognise half off. This week a young blonde come rushing in apolagising that shes late because she covering the class. She puts on her music and some pumping regaee tune blares out. Shes swinging her hips and thrusting. The young girl is putting on quite a show in her tight lycra outfit staring at the young life gaurd every 2 seconds to see if hes watching. He is staring at his bottle of water and occasionly looking at the clock. Obviously a big student night last night. The grannies are loving it. Bingo wings flapping and saggy boobs swaying all over the shop! After swimming we headed to nandos for lunch. I’d already done my homework and knew I could have butterfly chicken, corn on the cob and spicy rice for 5 syns! Thats pretty good. It was a treat for G so she had chicken wings, chips and garlic bread covered in nandos hot sauce. It was a good call but i was pretty happy with mine. Plus ulimted diet coke for it all came to £24 thats a lot of money for a light lunch! It was nice and I had 6 glasses of diet coke with my spicy chicken so I got my moneys worth! The portion size wasn’t great I would of ordered a side salad too but I didn’t want to spend anymore money! I could of defiantly ate it twice over but that would be a expensive lunch! Really good to know i can nip somewhere in town and have a tasty lunch for 5 syns. I’ll be doing this again.

It was soon time to start thinking about the Halloween ball. I wanted to be looking spooky when the trick or treaters started arriving. I started on my make up early. I love doing fancy dress make up. I wanted to look dead and I wanted it to look good not just some pound shop white facepaint slapped on with some fake blood! I spent ages doing shadows and building up my eyes to look dead! No fake blood in sight! Mr D had told me he wanted to do his own until he saw mine and said he wouldn’t make it look as good as that so let me do it. Im glad Im good at something! Our outfits looked brilliant. The coffee staining, ripping, adding a bit of mud and sewing on cobwebs paid off! Its a shame I would be only wearing this once but next year I'll be too thin for it. Its a bit big on me as it is. It was a lot of work wearing a wedding dressing I kept nearly tripping over, Mr D kept treading on it only just made it to the ball without falling flat on my face. The first people we saw were standing at the entrance dressed for a ball. Not Halloween!! Oh Shit, had I made a massive fuck up?!  Luckily not, as we got inside there were a lot of fancy dress. More the shop bought with a bit of extra eye liner and a bit of fake blood coming out the mouth. I always go over the top but I just cant do things by halfs! If Im going to do something Im going to do it well. If Im going to a Halloween Ball Im going to have a damn good homemade outfit. There was a lot less people than I thought which is a shame with it being for charity but £45 a ticket is a lot of money. I sat down at the table with people I knew from work. Some I knew quite a bit because Im in class with them. Everyone complimented our outfits and we sat down to wait for our 3 course meal. I turned round to see a girls bum cheeks. Saying it was a short skirt she was wearing was a understatement. She had a great figure but I deffo would not feel comfortable with my arse cheeks on show. She was bending over slightly and she was leaving nothing to the imagination. I hope for her sake she doesn’t get drunk and start touching her toes. I already knew what the meal was so I planned it out in my head. Dont eat the pastry for starter and don’t eat the crackling or pudding. I started out well just ate the goats cheese, eggy , bacon mixture out of the tart. Had plenty of veggies with my pork for the main. (the bowl of veggies was passed round the table and we were last so we didn’t have to worry about anybody else whoop!) The guy who was supposed to be sat next to me hadn’t arrived. His starter was still sitting there so when pudding arrived I swapped it. I thought it would be better to have some more eggy bacon cheeseyness as my pudding but then they bought him a pudding too. There were too puddings next to me that I was pretty sure i would like. I don’t like crème brulee adn I don’t like chocolaote orange. I swapped it back and left him with a empty pastry case. (I was pretty sure he wasn’t arriving for food now!) and just thought I’d try the pud. I didn’t bother with the sugar crispy topping. I just had a bit of the moose. Turns out it wasn’t too orangey and was pretty good. I’ll just have a little bit more, and a little bit more and ate the lot! No more drinks for me tonight I used my syns on pudding!! We all need to finish with a little bit of chocolatey goodness.

Then it was the raffle. £5 for a strip of tickets. Turns out they called out the whole strip as one ticket. Thats £5 for one raffle ticket. Nobody on our table won anything. It was £1 to request a song, this was turning out a pretty pricey event. At least it was all for charity.

The photographer was right next to us and all the girls on my table from work got up and had a picture together. I wondered if I’ll ever be apart of the work group. Will they ever be my friends. I know for sure they’ll never be like my buddies from my last job. My first few months with them they were already my best buddies and we would have posing up there together laughing and joking making rude gestures to the camera. I miss my old work buddies. A few people got on the dance floor to dance to a few cheesey Halloween songs but having not drunk much and not having any friends there me and Mr D decided to go but not ready to go home we popped into the Bless. It wasn’t how it used to be. I didn’t recognise anyone and this was my drinking hole for 10 years. It was half full of students dressed as dead cheer leaders, nurses and anything that included wearing as less as possible. The other half of the pub was full of old men luring at them. The music was good but we just stayed for the one. How things change!

1/11/14 Woke up feeling pretty good and actually pleased I’d not drank too much last night and got to bed by midnight! God I sound so old!! Mr D was at work, the sun was shining so I took a little trip to the carbooty. I found a nice stall selling nice cards for 20p each. Fab, I bought cards for every occasion and pleased with my bargain! Yep its official Im old!! Strolled around bought a few bits and bobs and spent all my dosh. I then thought I’d go along to wilkos see if there were any cheap Halloween bits but got distracted on the way. A good cheapo shop called Futton. My basket was overflowing with bargain goodies. Passata with peppes in 20p a carton, light caramel hot chocs for 10p and  a few naughtier items for Mr D including 50p for a multipack of hula hoops! Im deffo going there again!! I went to wilkos and all the halloween stuff was 75% off only got a few goodies as my house was already full!! But couldn’t resisit a few. I could have bought a load of outfits and sell them for more next year but I just couldn’t be bothered!! I headed home and started cooking skinny steak rice with salad. Thought I better post the steaks on the slimming world website just incase and it turns out they were really high! Hardly bloody steak they were made up of crap!! So I gave them Mr D and I got out the emergency  box of Iceland duck little skewers half a syn for half a box oooshhh. Gluten free wrap as my healthy extra. Taste like cardboard but over all pretty bloody good. With the house all done and ready I just then had to make myself and Mr D look fabulous or gruesome! The plan was to look freaky. Fuck this mamsy pamsy hot dead Alice in Wonderland, cheer leader anything in a fucking mini skirt, boobs out and just a little bit of fake blood on my neck. Its Halloween I want to look scary!! This year it was clowns. I usually get my Halloween ideas a year in advance and thought this year would be ‘Your worse nightmares theme’  I put some putty at the sides of my mouth and covered it in fake blood so it looked like someone had sliced me a big smile! I smudged all my clown make up so I just looked messed up. Mr Ds was similar but he had blood coming out of his eyes. Complete with homemade outfits and wigs we were ready. My friend C, her husband and 2 kids arrived and didn’t even look twice at us. Didnt scare them at all! My niece wasn’t quite as happy with it and didn’t recognise me at all she just looked at me strange. Her dad had a full bandaged up face but she was fine with him!! It wasn’t a big crazy party. It was a lovely gathering of my friends and kids. If I’d rewound it to 5 years ago the house would of been jammed full of drunken merry folk doing shots and sticking their face in jelly but Im sad to say I think those kinds of parties ae now behind me. Times have changed and Im pretty much the only one without kids.  Luckily I am a big kid and enjoyed doing all the extras for kids. Eating doughnuts on a string (not me though) and Mr D and my bro did a nice little firewroks display. This year we put the pooch in the bedroom so he didn’t run out and nearly set himeslef on fire trying to eat the Catherine wheel again. I made pulled pork in the slow cooker and did a whole pile of tear and share cheesy garlic bread that I would of loved to of eaten but not allowed and then nobody else ate it! Nothing worse than throwing away something I knew would be delicious!!  My very preggers Bessie and husband came and when everyone else left the 4 of us sat and nattered. I ended up having 2 drinks as it wasn’t really the night to get smashed so thought I would eat my syns instead! We talked babies as we muched pombears and ate curly wurlys. I even felt her kick which feels crazy! Cant believe my Bessie is actually going to have a baby! All grown up!! Mr D and Mr D chatted about outdoorsy man stuff whilst drinking whisky.  May not have been a crazy one but i was good to have fun with some of my favourites!!

2/11/14 Knackered I woke up at 7.15 I couldn’t get back to sleep so I thought I might as well crack on with the big clear up.  This is when I started thinking why the bloody hell do I make this much effort of doing my whole house up just for a small gathering of my friends? So much food leftover which wouldnt have been the case if people had let me know they weren’t coming. I find it incredibly rude when your mates and Mr Ds mates can’t even send you a message to say they are now not coming. This is one of my big hates. People letting you down and not even being arsed to tell you. Well maybe next time people wont get a invite! None rude folks only!!

I did 2 hours of clearing up the Halloween stuff, chucking bottles and alot of food in the bin. Im thinking next year I may just flog the lot and not bother. I was ready to go back to bed when I went into the bathroom. Why do I always have to go to far? My bathroom was covered in fake blood. Hand prints and splatters all over the place. Ugh why do I never learn. Better get the bleach out.

My back is killing. It seems to be getting worse. It kept twingeing when I moved in certain positions. I wish I had drunk more last night as I feel crappy anyway! After persuadeing Mr D to go to the shop for weight watcher sausages he also made breakie! He doesn’t know how to cook eggy bread so I had to show him! I bloody love eggy bread. 2 pieces of weight watcher bread soaking up a large egg. The pan nice and hot with spray light and plenty of salt and pepper. Fried until it starts to crisp round the edge. Mmm so good and it makes the bread swell up with the egg so feels like you get so much more bread than you have! Eggy bread rules!! To be honest that was pretty much the highlight of my day! I sat on my fat ass in the corner of the sofa watching heroes. Followed by a little nap.  Had a bath, read some book and that was my whole day!! I am one lazy son of a bitch!!

The one thing that could break me

20/10/14 I sent my boss a text saying I couldn’t supply today. I just feel shattered and that Im getting behind with things. I need a productive day of blogging, sewing and making some phone calls. Thats my exciting life!

I went to see my nan and we had a quick trip to Heron. Not got too many goodies from there in a while. Its always hit and miss in thise places but 6 muller lights for £1 is always good. I haven’t had any good babybell or light phili there for a while! Should of stocked up with 10 bags of light babybells at that price! We had a nice little swimming sess though it took me a while to convince my nan that it was best that we swam lengths like everybody else was doing because we didn’t want to be those 2 people that always go against the tide and make everybody stop and start. We didn’t swim too long Nan was pretty worn out today. In our last few lengths we had to do dodge round a fat Eddie Murphy who was stood still in the middle of the pool. At first I thought he was just humming to himself but then when I swam past him the second time I realised his eyes were shut and his whole chunky body was jiggerly, his moobs bouncing on the water whilst he made a loud humming sound. Good place for meditating, you never know what your going to see in a council swimming pool.

Im going all contrivisional and trying a ‘tweak’ recipe tonight. Im desperate for some garlic bread and saw a recipe using smash. I made the smash up with exactly the amount of water it says. So to me thats not a tweek? Ive made it as directed all Ive done afterwards is flatten it and crisp it up in the oven with some garlic and a little bit of light cheese. I don’t see how that is cheating. You can have normal potatoes boiled, baked, fried but not smash?! Bog off tweak police!!

Sod treat them mean keep them keen! Thats ok when your 17 maybe even in your early 20s but as you hit 30 youve got to treat your man nice! He dashed home from work so he could fix my wipers before it got too dark. He worked for 10 hours then straight away spent 45 mins  fixing my car. I ran him a big fat bubble bath and made sure dinner would be ready for when he got out.

We nipped to do a quick cheap shop in tesco but they were like vultures for the fruit! Crazy women! How many bags of oranges do you really need?! We got a few bargains for the week, veggies and salad. Not bad. I also picked up chocolate soya milk and weetabix which Ive been looking forward to since L from class posted it last week. She said it tasted like chocolate pudding! I wasn’t disappointed it was chocolatey and stodgy and a really good winter supper.  Will deffo be having this again!!

21/10/14 Woke up to the rain hitting the window and the wind whistling loudly. Once Mr D left me and the pooch snuggled up and dozed off to Lorraine. I really didn’t know if to go to the gym or not I was very 50/50. When I was dosing off I remembered this weks class was going to be partner work at that point I put the duvet completly over my head and I emerged at 9.20 which was too late to go. I stayed in bed with my green tea and watched the Biggest Loser. Thats got to be nearly as good as the gym? Well at least its motivating! If I had a bra on I may of considered doing some star jumps.

Popped to Asda to get a few of the tins Ive seen on the slimming website. I do spend a lot of time in supermarkets I think Im a bit obsessed!

Ive started the bad habit of nipping into the nurses room next to our office and weighing myself when its close to weigh in. I know its a bad habit to get into but after my vodka binge I just needed to know that Ive pulled it back enough. The scales are different but I think Ive worked it out and Im pretty sure its going to be at least a pound loss. I must only allow myself to do this once a week!! Theres a reason I don’t have scales at home!

As i was sitting at work with the team discussing targets I got a text through telling me my Aunty had passed away. I texted my bro, my mum and was about to text Mr D but had to put my phone away. I didn’t really feel like talking about it or telling anyone at that point. How do you say my Aunties dead? Tonight there was a few changes and I went to a Youth Club tonight with some of he students. I was a little low and tired and the worse thing happened. The one thing that could break me. Possibly my fave thing in the world. Chip shop chips. It gets better. In a big fat slice of white bread with butter. I could of ate a whole big bag to myself with a whole pile of bread. The golden rule everything tastes better with bread. The second golden rule everything tastes better with cheese. After queueing with my students watching them get a plate and then watch them casually dunk a chip and pop into their mouths so casually. I want to casually dunk chips and pop them in my mouth. I want to shovel them in covered in salad cream. I gave in and ate 4 small ones. They were so good. I thought if I’d gave in to a couple I’d deffo give in to more but I just had the 4. We went back to school and I was walking down the coridoor when I saw one of the team mid much on a chip butty! The staff had only got chip butties on the way home so I havnt just got to avoid chips once but twice!! I will be strong, I will be strong, I will not give in to chips!!

Tonight I am thinking of my Aunty Mags. She used to visit us every Saturday morning and give each of a £1. Even if your mate was over they would get a £1 too. She’d often take us in to town for breakfast. Me and my bro always joked about the time we saw her casually put a whole sausage in her mouth and eat it. Impressive. Dad used to tell us stories of how her gravy was thicker than her mashed potatoe. I remember how she used to collect monkey teddys and have loads of them all down her sofa. The main thing I remember is that she had a heart of gold. Say hello to my dad for me.

22/10/14 Weigh in day! Off to work for a few hours then home for a power nap. I had my yogurt for breakfast Im really getting bored of muller bloody lights!! I don’t even like yogurt much but there free on slimming world so I’ll have a muller bloody light for breakfast again! Of course I didn’t have my power nap. I pottered round doing pots, making lunch and then I got 20 minutes to watch a bit of homes under the hammer. Typical then I started to doze off, well it was too late by then time for fat club! I felt okay getting on the scales feeling sure I’d lost at least 1lb and I’d lost 2!! Ooooshh 1 stone 2 lb in 6 weeks. Not too shabby!! The Leader today admitted shes struggling and is now at the same weight she was when she started 6 weeks ago. She was chatting about her weakness in sweets when we went on to talk about whether people have treats after weigh in. The people that said they do said they binge. This cant be healthy or any good mentally, bingeing, dieting then bingeing. Im so glad I haven’t got into this. I save up my syns and have a treat at the weekend. Bingeing on a Wednesday night is only going to make it harder for me to then work it off and lose more the rest of the week. One treat night once a week not bingeing and stuffing my face with every naughty thing thats in sight. Were just all food aholics its like alcoholics going to there alcoholics anonymous meeting then drinking a litre of whisky afterwards.  We need to tackle the bingeing. I WILL NOT BINGE!!

23/10/14 Im starting to notice more that Im looking thinner. 1 stone 2 lb in 6 weeks and as I stand infront of the mirror in my pjs they are looking pretty baggy. 6 weeks and Ive stuck to plan completly and syned everything. Im not sure Ive ever been this good., maybe Im finally in the place I need to be. Just pottered around the house this morning decided to dip dye my hair just a bit lighter on the bottom.  Spent ages on it and by the time I washed it off you could hardly tell! Waste of a morning. I made a cauliflower curry and then headed off to work.

That crushing feeling when you open your fave chocolate brownie slimming world bar and a chocolate chip falls out! You get limited chocolate chips and I want every single one! Now where did that chocolate chip go??!

Is it bad to eat the same thing for dinner and supper? Both pretty small portions of homemade chips, beans and a sprinkle of low fat cheese? I eat at 4.15 at work but not a lot as im not always that hungry but its the chance you get to eat. I guess as long as Im not stuffing myself its okay? I’ll risk it for the one night  but wont do it regulary.

Just read a slimming world post saying if you put a piece of apple on your chicken skewers that you have to syn it. Its not like your stewing it? Or your eating more fruit because its shrunk when cooked its just a couple of bloody slices of apple!!

24/10/14 PAY DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I have only gone and got my emergency tax back!! Big fat pay packet which will go straight in to my savings! Its good in a way  because I probably wouldn’t of saved as much as that. Think Im going to book a extra nights stay for Mr Ds birthday make the most of it and Ive seen something bloody good. Arrhhh exciting!!! Who knows how quick babies will come along after were hitched so have to completly make the most of every little holiday. Cant wait to see his face.

Today i put on my skirt that I felt uncomftable in 3 weeks ago. It felt fine, not snug, not big just fine. Im pretty pleased with that. If I lose another 5 pounds I’ll be under the next stone mark and the weight I was when I met Mr D. Once Ive smashed that it wil be the lighteset Ive been in years just 5lb and Im at my next personal target! Im getting to make it under that stone mark and I never want to see it ever again!!!

Theres times I don’t like talking. Friday mornings after Ive not had much sleep is usually one of them. People probably think Im weird sometimes being over chatty other times being quiet. I was happy the mini bus man had a great playlist on and I happily hummed Maroon 5 at the back. This bus man has good taste! Another day with people at work eating lots of cake! Today we had to wear pink for breast cancer and they were selling cakes. My usual class had lots coming in. I wasn’t going near that cakey goodness class or I would just have to slip a little bit of lemony yumminess right in my mouth. Nope not going near that class!

Tonights night out was cancelled it would of been nice to be a part of the send off but I really didn’t want to drink and I was shattered anyway so i was secretly happy. There was only one thing i then had to think about. Chip Shop chips!! Arr Ive thought about it all afternoon, I can not remember the last time I ate my favourite food. Chip shop chips! It says 17 syns for a regular portion and 5 syns for chicken kebab meat. I posted on the slimming world website and it was a good job I did. 17 syns is a handful of chips a cone not a regular portion at all and that I should weigh them out.  I figured if I used 2 days worth of syns it would be well worth it! I already had my onesie on ready so Mr D went out to get the take away. When it arrived I was straight into it trying some meat, a few chips there was no way I wasn’t going to eat my whole big fat portion! The whole smell filled the room. I put the portion on the scales and then ate nearly double the amount. The chicken portion looked pretty good to. I added my weight watcher healthy B pitta bread  and had a big pile of salad, some chilli sauce and a big table spoon of quork to save using any more syns. I ate every last bit and it was amazing!! I counted it as 45 syns which is a lot for one night but worth it. I posted it on my page and got the comment ‘you know you cant save your syns’ Well actually it says on the Slimming World website that you can some consultants just advise against it to not encourage people to binge. I have fancied chips all week and not gave in! Ive not binged after Ive been weighed Ive done it the right way and I saved my bloody syns! So give me a bloody break here!!

25/10/14 I woke feeling guilty about last nights eating. What if she was right what if theres a reason I shouldn’t save up my syns? Thats it Im going to eat lots of veggies for the rest of the week. I really hope this doesn’t effect my weeks weight loss . What if I didn’t syn it enough? Right low syns for the rest of the week! It was a lovely autum morning I put some old school Maroon on ‘Songs about Jane’ one of my top 5 fave albumns and took a brisk walk into town for my hair cut.

My hair cut was good I really like this place. Only went there last time with a groupon voucher and the young girl did a really good job. Cant moan at £24 either. We took a drive to Leicester with Mr D and his mum to pick up a new mobility car for his family and then went home for lunch. I like to cook nice lunches at the weekend. Make more effort. I decided to try a KFC style recipe. Chopped up turkey breast, dunked it in egg then in breadcomes mixed with some spices and baked it in the oven. We had with rice and salad and little tub of beans to dunk. Next time I’ll use chicken, turkey just isn’t the same and do it with chips so it really is like KFC. Not bad for first time.

Popped in to my mums for a cuppa and then my bro, sister in law and neice show up which was nice because not seen any of them properly for a few weeks. Mum tells me in the kitchen we are going to Cherry Tree for Christmas eve. Every year we all go to mums house for Christmas Eve, we play stupid games, eat chocolate trifle, give each other rude presents and dress up ridiculously. About a month ago mum says to me our house is too small now theres another baby. (though we are down 2 adults this year as my step brother is in Canada?!) She said we could go to a pub. I said well why don’t we have it at mine then as weve got more room. She said ‘Thats a good idea, I’ll speak to the others'. Ive heard nothing since. So I asked her what about me offering to have it at mine. She then started shouting at me and saying I always want it my way. I was trying to explain to her that she never told me any of this but she wouldn’t listen. I tried to walk out but my neice wouldn’t give me back the front door key to my house. I stayed and stayed out of mums way for the next half an hour. What I was trying to say is wouldn’t it have been nice to let me know that people didn’t want it at ours instead of ignoring the offer. Is that her or everybodies? Wouldnt it of been polite to tell us of just ignoring it and then I get accused of being selfish and wanting things my way when actually I was trying explain. I may of calmed down a bit and gave her a half hearted hug when leaving but if Im being accused of that then why would I want to go? Me and Mr D don’t want to go to cherry tree. The food thats is good is the roast. Do you want a roast dinner the night before Christmas dinner. No. If thats being selfish then maybe I am.

Got home and had a bath tried to get in the zone of having a lovely night out with the Mr. Thought we’d go out for some nice food first and after using so many of my syns on take away last night I said I was happy for him to pick anywhere where I could have steak. He fancied a nice pint of ale and we wanted somewhere with a good Saturday night atmosphere. Alot of the good places already booked up but we got in the Greyhound one of our fave pubs in Derby. Not ate there for a while but I’d had steak there in the past. Mr D was happy with his nice pint and we had a look through the menu. Everything was with chips. There was a salad with cous,cous. I don’t like cous, cous and Im not coming out on a Friday night to eat just a salad. I fancied the steak and thought I’d ask if I could have it with boiled or jacket potatoe as its normally not a problem. (normally places offer a healthy choice on the menu!) the girl said she’d ask the chef. She came back and said the chef said no it costs more. Mr D said ‘were happy to pay more. I was ordering the most expensive thing on the menu here! She kind of mumbled and said no. We cancelled Mr Ds order nobody tried to offer us any kind of alternative. Rude and useless! Mr D was fuming that they could of just boiled a bloody potatoe!! Well ‘The Greyhound, Derby’you have lost £50 custom tonight and in the future. You can kiss my fat ass as I walk out the door!!

We weren’t sure where to go next. The good pub grub places would be booked up but with going to the cinema I said what about TGI Fridays they will do a good steak surely?! So thats where we went and it had the perfect Saturday night atmosphere. There were plenty of choices on the menu and i decided on chicken breast on peppers and onions that came with cheesy mash and would ask for a swap. Guess what, they couldn’t bloody swap it!!! She said the cheesy mash was part of the layering of it? What the fuck? Can rice not be in the layer instead? Back to the drawing board! I picked steak with rice and salad and a prawn skewer with no dressings. She was helpful and told me the diet coke with unlimited whoop! Finally getting somewhere. We waited a loooong time. (good job we wernt in a rush) when a young waiter came over to us and said ‘Im really sorry guys you’ll have to wait 5 more minutes as I just dropped your order. I will give you free puddings on the house!’  We were happy about that, he was honest. Would of been happier if we’d got free drinks as I couldn’t have pudding and Mr D doesn’t really like pudding but oh well! The order came and they gave Mr D normal chips instead of cheesey bacon chips (I know mmm cheesey bacon chips, if only!!) They quickly arrived with a portion of cheesey bacon chips and said they were on the house! Bonus he got to lots of chips and half of them on the house!! Good times indeed. Popped in rather a filthy Ryans bar for another diet coke and then off to the pics to see ‘Maze Runner’ there wasn’t much on so this was the only thing neither of us minded watching. I had my pudding of chocolate hifi bars and happily watched the film. It was no Divergent and Divergent aint no Hunger Games but it wasn’t bad!!

26/10/14 So the clocks have gone back and should totally be making the most of my extra hour but its wasted on me I cant stay in bed. I left Mr D snoozing put the washing out and put the gammon roast joint in the slow cooker (I thought it was pork, I don’t like gamon!!) I cooked a chicken breast for me instead. Had a chilled out day and my bro, sister in law and neice over for dinner.

Mr D is seriously the best man ever. When I was getting stressed tring to serve up a roast for everyone and there were toddlers, adults and dogs flying in and out of the kitchen and the smoke dectetctaor going over. Mr D gave me a quick hug, put one of my fave albumns on the juke box and put me mushy peas in (even though I said not to worry as I couldn’t be bothered) so I could have them instead of gravy. Its all about the little things.

Why am I watching a programme about cakes?

13/10/14 Got called up early again so got straight in the shower. The early the better I like to have chance to potter round a bit, have a little tidy up. Then run around like a mad head with 10 minutes to do everything. No yogurts left so I quickly zapped some spaghetti and put on a slice of toast. It was then red hot so was trying to get ready and eat boiling spaghetti at the same time. I was in a class I knew quite well today we went out in the morning and had music in the afternoon. Nice day, I was organised and had some leftover vegetable rice with a bit of pulled pork. Left overs are so important in this diet! Its not like I can just grab a sandwhich!

Theres a new charity craze on the internet today. On Monday go braless for cancer research. Here we going again ‘swing your bra round your head, set it on fire and cover your tits in glitter all for cancer research.  Are you mad? These bangers do not need to be bouncing around in my face all day and its hardly professional if your a bit cold or you bend over and accidently flash a bit of nip!! Get a grip people! I took a car load full of stuff to the charity shop last week. Thats my bit!

14/10/14 I manged to doze back of to sleep this morning and woke up at 8.45am perfect timing for the gym. (I was tempted to stay in bed) I was not letting myself give any excuses! Off I went to Booby shaking class. A few newbies this week. I was sandwhiched between a gran in her marks and spencers pumps and new pink top and Myly Cyrus with her swinging dip dyed pony tail and a daddy related tattoo written up her inside arm. Grinding and shaking their booties. It was like a weird ménage a trois.To top it off Detective man was infront of me this week in incredibly short pink shorts with long stork like legs coming out of them and tight black vest showing off his little moobs. This would make a grim porno. I had to put up with this awful grinding around me for the next hour. She said next week we’d be doing some partner work. Ugh NO THANKYOU! I come alone! Last time I ended up paired with a really tiny lady half the size of me and she had to hold all my weight followed by me lying on the floor with her sweaty vag right near my face!! Note to self, don’t bother next week!!

I popped in to take my grandparents some goodies then had my usual rush to eat something substaional and healthy, making sure Im ready and out the door by 12.40. Leftovers for lunch today not great but I don’t like to waste anything!

Off to work. The evenings are getting darker and colder and I can see how its going to be a lot harder to work lates in the winter than the summer. I am not looking forward to finishing work to a frozen windscreen!!

15/10/14 Up early for my split shift and ate my yogurt as the students had cereal and toast. Cant remember the last time I ate cereal. The only problem with cereal is I would never be able to just have that tiny allowance amount. I like a big fat bowl full to the top with lots of milk. Thats why I don’t have cereal. Nipped in to say hello to my mum and neice and then went home to prepare my lunch and finish my fruit crumble for fat club. I cooked all the fruit and made a oaty topping with a little bit of honey and some apricots and raisons. Unfortuantely it would have to be syned even though its fruit because when its cooked you eat a lot more than you normally do. So what if you only have a small bit??

This week for class we all had to take in low syned goodies for group buffet. People all went out there was so many goodies! I stood in the queue waiting to get weighed  looking at all the goodies and just wanting to pick. I was disappointed to have only lost half a pound. It must be the takeaways as you cant really syn them properly as they might be putting a whole load of oil in them! Ugh. Oh well buffet time.One of the reasons I like my group is because every body gets really involved. Ive been to many diet clubs over the years and this is my favourite. Ive never really been over bothered about getting involved before but I feel different right now. I hit the buffet and started by trying to have things I knew were free and then I saw puddings!! Different little chocolate yummys! I had to really reign myself in or I could of stuffed my face full of little chocolate treats! Me and one of the girls snook back up for more chocolate. My crumble went down well and I managed to count the syns for what I had and didn’t go crazy. I had a chat to some of the girls that are doing so well and my new internet slimming buddies. I like it because there obsessed with the diet like me and can talk slimming world recipes and ideas until they are blue in the face, like me. The only way I can do it is if I obsess over it. L one of the girls whos doing so well had had a really bad 3 weeks and admitted to full on bingeing at times but this week she then lost 1 stone 4lb!! Thats mental in one week!! She really must have been bad! I got my sticker for my first stone off! One stone gone forever whoo!!

At work seeing my disappointment with half a pound they showed me in the nurses room what a pound of fat looks like and it was massive! And quite heavy. Half of one of those in a week is actually not bad! Go me!

Busy shift with power cuts mid way! I ate my lunch for tea instead which I’d put a few too many chillis in and it blew my head off! I love fresh chillis with light philidelphia. Hot and cool. I avoided the shortbread biscuits even though they looked pretty good.

No treat days for me! I will be thin!

The rain was none stop and perfect timing on the A38 on the way home my windscreen wipers stopped working! I got home and told me D. He gave the same words he always does when I moan about cars. ‘Oh well you have to expect to spend money on cars. You cant be annoyed because of it’ Yes I bloody can. It cost me £125 last week and now it needs something else so yes i can be pissed off!! Hundreds of my hard earned cash on my stupid shity car I don’t like!

16/10/14 I stayed in bed as Mr D went to work and lazed around for about 45 minutes until I decided I wanted to cook. 8.30am making a packet pasta frittata. I soaked the cheese and brocilli pasta meal in the some hot water and then blanched some brocilli, greenbeans and peas. Then whacked it all it a oven dish with bits of bacon, peppers, mushrooms and eggs. Then sprinkled some light cheese on the top. I made Mr D a proper quiche that looked good also. Cant beat a bit of pastry!

It was then time for my first councelling sessionI was unsure of what to think after my disastourous behaviour therapy. I felt a little apprehensive but instantly felt fine as soon as I met M. She was about 60 friendly but not too friendly. She said she hadn’t read any notes on me so she could make her own opinion. She told me that councelling is a chance for me to talk and she could help me with my predicaments. She asked me why I was referred to theropy so I started to tell the whole story of how badly I was treated at my old job by the head teacher who bullied and isolated staff she chose that she no longer liked me  . She was quite shocked about the things that I told her and I then went on to present day, my job now, where im at and what worries me. She was great she listened and gave me advice that was not patronising quite the opposite. She told me what a confident, clever person I was and that I had my future plans mapped out and what I want to do. She didnt understand why I an attractive confident need to be writing a blog about trying to lose weight. She then just gave little bits of advise and backing up my ideas. She really backed my idea about studying and told me I need to look how black and white I look at people. As in i either like people or I don’t. At the end she did tell me that she had something she had to say. Wasnt sure what to expect?! But she told me that she remembers me, my brother and my mum from my primary school as I workd there. She recognised my surname and even though she never taught me , knew me. That is a impressive memory. I did recognise my surname but wouldn’t have knwon her. I told her this was absolutely fine and actually left feeling good.

I then went to see my dying Aunty. I popped to get her a card. What kind of card do you get fro someone thats dying? Cant get a get well soon! Im guessing I shouldn’t take chocolate. If I was dying I would want someone to be feeding me Chinese take away through a straw!I felt sick driving to see her.  Im glad I went though  I told her about my trip to India where the family lived when she was young.  We talked about stories from when we were young and I told her how were all doing. I think my other Aunty was pleased I’d come.

 I went to work and I just want to stuff my face with chocolate! I know Im still in a good place not to actually do it but everything is tempting me! We took the kids to the supermarket to get their meal prep stuff and everything looked tasty. Im craving sweet things again and the millionaire shortbread looked so good I just wanted to smother my face with it! All had in my bag was a apple and diet coke but they didn’t quite cut it. I was supposed to be saving my 2 double choc chip crisp bars as my healthy B for the evening but I devoured 2 in about 2 minutes.

Swimming tonight was great with the kids doing aqua aerobics, they loved it!  mangaged to get a good bit of exercise in too- always a bonus! I didnt go crazy tonight just a few evening goodies.

17/10/14 My alarm went off when I’d finally dozed off to a good sleep. Ugh thats me grumpy all morning.  Didnt sleep well which is no change for a Thursday night. It was my turn in the pool this morning which ended quite disatourous. A sat on the mini bus tired and aching so treated myself to a diet coke and my chocolate brownie slimming world bar (still obsessed with them) When we got back to class it was somebodies birthday so there was a pile of doughnuts and flapjacks. I had to crack out my other slimming world bar so I didn’t feel left out! I need to be pretty proud of myself right now. Tired, grumpy and aching after a tough morning and a doughnut is offered to me and I say no! Thats a pretty good achievement right there! I had some of my leftover fratata with some veggies for lunch Im really trying to keep my syns right down. A nice afternoon out with another class. The kids were tucking into their Friday afternoon treat and I settled for a diet coke. The teacher said ‘You don’t need to be on a diet you always look so lovely’ Its always nice to hear. Thats two people I don’t know well to tell me in 2 days. Pretty good for a fat bird.

I was sooo happy to be home today! Bubble bath, onesie on and I am staying in for the night! No takeaway this week so I needed to pull a good fakeaway out of the bag! Mixed grill! Homemade burger, (frozen from when I did my last batch) weight watcher sausage, tandoori turkey breast, corn on the cob, homemade wedges and salad. Mmmmm good!! Best thing about slimming world its for the folk with a big appetite! Not one of this diets where you have to have farty portions I can have a big hearty portion of mixed grill and feel happy and satisfied on a Friday night. What fucking diet?? Ha!!

18/10/14 Alarm went off early for the hen do extravaganza!! Starting with lazer tag. This is serious. Ive asked to be against my bro of course (the boys are coming this morning) Starting with a breakfast of bacon, mushrrom and spaghetti. Enough for energy but not too stodged up. As I arrived I felt unprepared I had bad stomach ache because I’d not had time for number 2 and didn’t have the right socks on! I was worried this may effect my pefromance. My only option was a porta loo. It had to be done. Was nice to see a few of me old chums. We got our army combat jumpsuits. Incredibly unflattering which I realised once I’d posed for photos making me feel unconftable and thinking about how Ive still got such a long way to go. The hen was in true hen do style with pink onsie, wings and pink army stripes. I might have a pink free hen do. I went full camflage with green face and spent time drawing a big pink dick on Cocks head as they were explaining how to use the guns. I probably should have listened as I didn’t really know what i was doing and made a big run for it with my gun, twisting my ankle afer 7 minutes. Luckily it wasn’t a lasting injury. People were talking about what guy was ex SES I then realised they were talking about Mr D. I found this very amusing Im not sure his skills to fix a tank would help him with a lazer gun! We should have gone along with it. We spent the next few hours running around like made heads. My aims not very good but I reckon it improved. The last game was the flag game. I like the flag game!! This time I held back and waited. Mr D was out after about 1 minute going for the main flag. I am going to bide my time. I went for one of the side flag but bloody Rambo was in there guarding it! I tried to go the other side but he was all over it! Then E got out so I took like a hostage and put her in to the tunnel quickly changed the flag and got out of there but I did it all too early Rambo changed the flag back and I died. Fucking bastard Rambo. Game over, over all wine to the Blue team!! Whoop, whoop!

We then went home with our army make up on blaring out the 90s tune full pelt and having a collective dance moves to take that. Im sure it looked amusing at the traffic lights 6 adults with face paint doing a dance routine with Take That blasting out the window. We got home and had time to chill out. I attempted to make some prawn balls I’d seen on the slimming world page. Smash (made up with the right water so not a tweak) savoury rice, prawns and spring onions made it to little fritters. They tasted like shit! I'd put all the energy and time into making them I'll bloody dunk them into baked beans and they'll be fine. Nothing worse than putting effort and ingrediants into a recipe that turns out like dog shit!

Little bit of relaxing time then got ready for the big night out. Apart from no matter how long I seem to leave my nails to dry they always smudge other than I was feeling quite nice tonight. I put on the polka dot charity number I'd been looking forward to wearing and curled up my long dip dyed extentions. I feel thinner and when i got in the car for the lift my bro and sister in law said they could deffo tell I'd lost weight! Finally its happening, now not to blow it on a night out! The first glass of wine went down nicely quickly followed by a couple of girly pink cans of perry (pretty much lambrini! This was guna be a big sess! By the time we got on the boat and had a vodka drinking game infront of us our group were already merry! The rest of the hen party were calm and sober. The group opposite us looked like they were out of the only wasy is Essex and got their style tips from Jordan. The third group all somber and in black looked like they were from a funeral but I belive it was a birthday. We played out drinking game with spicy vodka shots and a waitress came and warned us to put it away. We protested about it being part of the hen party games and got it straight out when she left. 10 minutes later she came back and took it off us. I manged to get a sneeky one to the bride, I was nice only gave her half a shot of the extreme chilli one whilst her mother looked at me like I was a creature off the moon! Im not sure shes ever been to a hen party before well not in the past 40 years anyway. Things only went down hill from here my booze filled gift bag (mainly vodka) went down quickly. A few girls were in full princess outfits the rest hadnt bothered. One girl who asked to join our rowdy end of the table said the only message she'd got was that they had to go in full outfits so they felt like idiots when they turned up. There was a few bought mermaid outfits would have liked to crack out my homemade one but we had our cardboard tiasras with jewels on! The food was a carvery which was a bit odd for a booze cruise but it meant even in my drunkeness I could stick to plan. I had some meat, veg and new potatoes didnt have any of the naughties not even gravy! I am bloody good. Things got messy there was lots of dancing and the hen managed to escape the oldies and was having a good time! It was great to spend a drunken night with some of my old work mates their such piss heads and so much fun! Theres a video with my dancing with my skirt up over one of thems head (no undies on show!) photos of seeing how low we could dance then me on the floor! I snook it round the back of the bar looking for my shots of vodka (never found them, or got caught!) we went upstairs and traded some crowns for some flower garlands I remember Mrs B saying to me put that pot on your head. I did. It was filled with water I was soaked for the rest of the night but too pissed to care I carried on regardless. There was some dodgy attempt to climb on the side of the boat but even we werent stupid enough to finish that task! there were big plans to go out in Derby when we got back but we were all pissed as farts and not being as young as we used to be headed home with sashes tied round our heads. Absolutly brilliant night!!

19/10/14 Woke up at 6.30am needing the loo. I then thought it would be a great idea to tell Mr D over and over that I loved him. (sounded romantic to me at the time) he didn’t think it was that romantic that I’d woke him up really early on a Sunday. Managed to get a few hours more sleep and then scoured the room for any signs of take aways of naughtys. I found 2 babybell light wrappers, a healthy extra slimming world bar wrapper and 2 empty packets of space raiders which is a total of 6 syns! Much better than the usual drunken mcdoanlds take drive through! Pretty chuffed with myself actually. I then convinced  Mr D that getting some fresh air would make me feel better so we’d have to go for a wonder round the carboot. I started off quite jolly but soon deteriated and realised I must have still been pissed and the hangover was starting to kick in! Didnt buy much by the end I was struggling to even focus on anything. On the car ride home I started to feel really shity. Not only was my head aching and feeling heavy. Tired, dizzy and now I started to feel a bit sick. We stopped at the shop so Mr D could buy some bits for brekkie and I had a ribena light which I was hoping would make me feel better!! I was happy to be home and snuggled up in the corner of the sofa with my ribena and some Kirsty Allsop on the TV whilst the Mr was making me breakfast. Why am I watching a programme about cakes when I feel crap havnet eaten anything all morning and I would love to have a scone with jam and cream right now!! Mmm I love scones! After sitting drooling at scones and chocolate brownies for about an hour breakfast was finally served!! I was worried that because I felt a bit sick that I wouldn’t be able to keep it down but I managed it and it was just what I needed and he made it completly syn free!! I love it how hes really helping me with the plan.

I felt shitty after breakfast. Trapped wind like I wanted to burp but couldnt. I paced around after half an hour it faded and I just curled up on the sofa for a few hours. Managed to pop to sainsburys but the bargains were crap. Not many goodies at all. I felt well enough to pull together a roast dinner (slimming world friendly) I even got the homemade 1 syn yorkshires out the freezer. That was enough effort for me for one hangover day.

I seriously dont want to drink again for a long time! It may have been a fab night but its been a really pretty autumn Sunday and Ive done fuck all and wasted my day through feeling like shit! So many nights out coming up too I just dont know how Im going to juggle them all with the diet and still lose weight!! Ugh

'Fat bird did good this week'

06/10/14 Another grey and miserable day! This morning I didn’t have to have that 20 minutes where I lye in bed waiting to see if the phone rings for supply. The phone rang earlier than normal to say they needed me so I was up showered and out the house in no time. I was in a class I know a bit but not too well. I took a group of students to the gym if I’d know I would have bought my gym kit and got a free workout! They ended up with two many staff for the afternoon so I happily said I’d go home but after working a double lunch. I had to sit down and eat my ham, cheese and grape salad before leaving as I was pretty hungry after watching the kids took into crisps after their work out.I popped to homebargains on the way home to get some oats so I could have a bash at some oaty, options hot choc biscuits. I forgot the oats but came out with £40s worth of stocking fillers and the odd little wedding item!

 Trying to work out syns on the Slimming World App that was a pain in the arse to set up with different codes and passwords to be able to get on in the first place and its crap! I put in weight watchers yogurts and it comes up with ‘basic yogurt greek style’ no thats not what I asked you. I ask it for brie and it comes up with ‘costa coffee panini’ So it can tell me what I can get at a coffee shop but not simple products! Today I was asked me if I was a student? I know Im spotty but come on love is your eye sight that bad you cant see the lines under my eyes? Im bloody 30!

Last week I was going out in my cardigan, this week Im putting my big fat winter coat to go to the pictures! What happened to the autumn jacket season? Its gone from a slight chill in the air to full on cold! We went to the pics armed with our 40% off voucher and cinema goodies. I’d munched through my 2 healthy b extra double chocolate slimming world bars by the first couple of adverts. I managed to hold off with my pom bears until at least the film started. I didn’t even eat one piece of Mr Ds popcorn. Even though I don’t think popcorn is that bad.

Got a message when I got in saying the hen do Im going to in a week and a half is Disney princess themed and theve got her a Cinderella outfit. Well when was this idea thought up if youve already got her an outfit? This doesn’t give us much time to get a outfit together! Right well normally Disney Princess means when you see a group of tarts with Snow White outfits bought off the internet with plunging neck lines, stocking and a skirt skimming their arses! Maybe thats me sounding old but Im pretty sure Snow White did not look like a slapper!! So what are the options Princess Jazmin? Nope deffo cant get my belly out. Sleeping Beauty what does she even look like?! Im not pretty enough to be Belle and it wouldn’t be easy to find a big yellow dress?! Frozen will probably be over done. Now I do have a mermaid outfit from my birthday. Can I be a fat Ariel? I’d need a red wig and hope that my shells and the rest of my outfit made it home in one piece after my birthday party! Its a maybe but I still think its too boring! Cant it just be Disney, I could go as Olaf! I have a snowman outfit! Hmm it would be hard to look like him. What about Disney bad guys? Cruela Diville? Can I go to a pretty Disney princess Hen Do as a bad guy? Ha! It would be like the time we turned up to a 60s themed party where everyonebody was hippies and the cast of Austin Powers and we strolled in dressed as Clock work Orange (the book was wrote in the 60s) I like to think out of the box! Right Ive got it. URSULA!! That would be amazing!! It doesn’t give me much time to make tentacles! This could be good!! Whoo I love a good fancy dress to make!! That will 5 Ive got on the go for the next 3 weeks!

07/10/14 My Ursula dreams have been squashed before Ive even got out of bed! Apparently you can just do accessories or go the whole hog for the theme so people are saying accessories as they havnt got enough time. Bah! What possible accessories are there? Im not just putting a crown on my head! Which one of them wears crowns anyway?! There arnt really accessories?! I don’t like this half theme! I am not wasting my Urula idea on this I will bank her for another time! Now if I do Ariel that is a full outfit! Bloody hell don’t know what Im going to do now!!

My skins bad again! Im growing a second head on the side of my nostril! Im hardly drinking, not eating any greasy food and eating loads of veggies so why the fuck am I spotty like a teenager??

Average Tuesday at work. I got to do my cooking plan with the students again and we went out to get the goodies for veggie and holumi kebabs. They went down really well! The shift went pretty quick.I got home and stood infront of the mirror me and Mr D both thought I’d deffo lost weight around my middle. This is the first time Ive looked in the mirror and genuinely felt thinner! Ive never felt happy about going for a weigh in but I am quite looking forwarded to getting weighed in the morning!

08/10/14 Mr Ds alarm went off at 6am. Didnt really sleep well and some how Ive slept in a dodgy position and all down the side of my neck and shoulder on my left side were aching. I need a massage! I zombied through my 2 hour morning shift. At the moment Im not even getting tempted by  the toast the kids are eating, I just happily ate my yogurt. I dashed home originally thinking I’d have a nap but as usual there is always stuff to do. I seem to be thinking about food all the time since being on this diet. If I’m not planning food, shopping for food, cooking food I’m eating! What happened to the free time I used to get to pop for a swim or the gym? I really need to get back on that but right now Im feeling good so blah!! I roasted some veggies with a little bit of bacon and boiled some green beans, peas and broccoli and then some rice. I fried them up together with a egg and made a couple of veggie kebabs! I took them with me in my little packed lunch box with me to fat club.

Our leader was back this week and some more regulars so it was a busy class. I felt confident going on the scales but was very chuffed at losing 3.5lb! Only half a pound off my stone!! I sat down and listened to the class next to swearing shout lady. I ate my chicken and vegetable rice at the back for lunch so I don’t have to try and get something between slimming world and goin to work. I actually like to stay to the whole class. Now our leader is back we didn’t go around discussing individual weight losses(there were about 30 people there!) but she was chit chatting about products and deals and stuff. It does remind me of a knitting club at times as the older women of the group natter and make jokes about younger men! Good job I stayed to the end as I only bloody got Slimmer of the week!! A little embarrassed but got myself a whole bag of fruit! The leader also bigged up my Blog too! Thats just bloody fantastic! So off I went back to the car big fat smile on my face (not quite as fat as a few weeks ago!) swinging my big ‘Slimming World’ bag of fruit. I might as well had written on my forehead ‘Fat bird did good this week’  I carried on smiling all the way to work feeling pretty damn good about myself!!

Was in school this afternoon and did the usual trip. Resi was busy tonight we had lots of crafts and then a spot of cooking so the night went quick. I did the healthy kebabs with the older kids and I find the kids that help prepare the healthy food are more likely to try it. I snook in some homemade coleslaw out of total greek with a little bit too much wocester sauce and some lean ham to have with my jacket and beans. Im not sure how many more weeks I can do of jacket and beans before baked beans start pouring out of all my crevacis!!

Home and enjoying some ryvitas with light phili toms and ham in bed. Notfeeling guilty about eating supper is one of my fave parts of this diet and Mr D loves it too! Pretty damn chuffed today.

09/10/14 Woke up not even trying to convince myself that I was going to go to the gym this morning.  The gym can fuck off right now Im a busy lady. Work, shopping, cooking, spending quality time with Mr D. Not much room for anything else.  I put on a dress I’d not worn in ages remembering I’d bought it in the asda sale for £3. Bargain when putting it on I realised it was only a bloody maternity dress! I mean us fatties all do it at times. A pair of trousers with a extra bit of stretch not mattering if you put on a few pounds or a top that is fitted on the bust but a bit baggier on the belly so it doesn’t cling to your rolls? Hell yeah, bring on the maternity clothes! (maybe just don’t admit it to anyone) Been blasting the net trying to find somewhere awesome to take Mr D for his birthday. Our birthday rule is our main present to each other is the main present is to book them a suprise weekend away. Ive had so many ideas this year but I just cant seem to decide. Do I push the boat and go somewhere a bit further and go somewhere he never would expect or will that mean we have to have too much spending money? Or  know we’ll have a good time whatever and keep it more simple. Last year I took him to a hippie camp and we stayed in a Tipi. A little chilli for November but it was awesome. Snuggling up next to the fire, having a loo with a view,watching the sun rise and drinking warm ciders at the local! Need to top that.

I had burger and chips for lunch! Dont worry it was a slimming world special! I improved on coleslaw and made it with quork and just a little bit of Worcester sauce, few chips, salad and a burger made of lean mince, onions, seasoning with a extra light cheese triangle in the middle of the burger. It wasn’t too shabby at all. Who needs Mcdonalds anyway?!

We had potaoes for tea at work too tonight. Eating too many potatoes is not good. Im feeling stodged and bloated and fat. The order was wrong so Ive ended up full of the brown fuckers! I must remember I should not double spud it where possible. Took the students swimming tonight they had music on this week. Walked in to  Frozen number blasting out, got to admit love a bit of Frozen! Much better swimming to music it kind of makes you do a dance swim. So you put a little wiggle in as you swim. I like a dance swim.

Cracked out a book before bed. Finally got my Insurgent book. Need to read before the film comes out next month. Book and curly wurly,  I know how to live!

10/010/14 So Ive got all this fruit from Slimmer of the Week I was thinking of making a crumble but apparently then it becomes syns! Something about because the fruit cooks down and is smaller you have to syn it? But I don’t see what difference that makes because you can eat as much fruit as you want anyway?? You cant have smoothie for similar reasons something to do with when the fruit is broken down it realises more sugars? Well when Im chomping it in my mouth is that not the same thing? You cant mush a banana on toast but you can mush it in your mouth? Makes no sense to me. All to do with ‘tweaking’ recipes and the women go bloody mad on the Slimming World site the things you talk about tweeking! They even start having a go if people ask for help with syns but with the app being sooo shit how else you suppose to find out about syns!

Theres alway so much cake to try and avoid at work. First someone bought in this gorgeous looking apple pie from costco. I then went in to class and they had cake again! I am strong, fuck you cake!!

I cant Blog all the reasons Im pissed off today. Its a shame because that is exactly the reason why I Blog.

To cheer myself up I managed to find something awesome for Mr Ds birthday. It wasnt quite the idea of going to Poland I had or as simple as some of the other ideas. I booked something in the middle!! Really didnt want the craziness of booking flights and doing it all in secret. Im pleased with my choice, hope he likes it. I was not in the mood to leave the house I had a bubble and put my onsie on before Mr D even got through the door. I'd spent ages studying just east apps for things I could eat. We ordered from a grill and got some chunks of tandoori chicken, lamb and some shish kebabs. We made our own rice and salad and grilled a 8 syn wrap. Really need to find those gluten free healthy B option wraps. I should make lists before I go shopping!!

The Hen do are still undecided if were in full fancy dress or doing accessories!! ‘Oh yeah thats a good suggestion for a outfit’ ‘Oo I could do this’ ‘I’ll look a idiot if you guys are in fancy dress as I havnt got time to sort it’ I then offered to help make a costume for someone else. No reply.  ‘actually lets just do accesories’ and then people are stressing about the dares for the hen. No drinking ones and nothing embabrassing as she wont do it infront of her mum. Not sure Im the right person to make up ‘nice’ dares. I’ll leave it to the others.

I cant sleep Im back too a million things going round my head. I am just fucking pissed off I just cant stand it when people that are fake, cowards, indecisive, that sit on the fence! It started off with one big thing annoying me and now lots of little things are annoying me too. I just don’t like people a lot of the time. I prefer children and dogs. And adults that act more like children.

The world can sod off and leave me alone right now. I feel like not bothering with anything in the next few weeks. Im going to hibernate.

11/10/14 Woke up feeling okay Im hoping Im over my afternoon/evening of pissedoffness. Im throwing myself in to things that make me happy this morning. Mr D went off to work so I sorted out all the Christmas presents I’d been buying in the last few weeks and just chucking on the spare bed. I went through all the baskets under my bed/ the small spare rooms bed and the big spare rooms bed all full of pressies. I then got side tracked thinking how good the costco apple pie was that someone bought into our office the other day and decided to check out the costco site for wedding food. It all looks amazing, exactly what we were thinking for a ploughmans! Is costco food good enough for your wedding buffet??! After happily spending the morning organising Christmas presents and pottering Mr D came home and we had a good veggie stir fry for lunch. I will always hate stir frys.

We went for a potter round town for some more bits for our Halloween costumes and also got some nice off cuts of fabric for bunting. Really need a sewing session to get the outfits done. Got some amazing buttons and patchs for the Halloween outfits. Really need to finish the outfits off! Where does my time go?? Managed to get some diet goodies, wedding goodies and Mr D carried me 3 boxes of diet coke to the car. Love that man. Ive some how managed to have lots of bags and spent more than I wanted too.

Tonight we were off to my friends 30^th birthday at a private cinema in Notts. I decided to drive because Im skint and cant have cinema munchies and drink and I really cant be arsed to be catching 2 buses before I even arrive! Nope, nope. Got my bag of treats light babybells, diet coke, slimming world cereal bars and pickled onion space raiders. We went to see ‘Idol hands’ a spoof horror from the 80s. It was absolutely awful! I understood why she picked it as it was something her and her brother loved from their childhood. It was so bad it hurt and to top it off alot of people were already pissed and rowdy. Oh my god that makes me sound so old! But they were. By the end people were pretty steaming and talking absolute bollocks.  The birthday girl seemed happy so thats all that mattered Im not moaning it was her night. I felt very old and very sober. We went to a few bars with them and I had a good catch up with the birthday girl who was one of the very few sober ones and we laughed at her friends who kept coming over and saying things like ‘you guys dress so cool’ ‘you look so beautiful’ Im pretty sure they had their beer goggles on so compliments really don’t count. The drunken very blonde lady who I used to work with briefly with my friend a while ago had started to talk to Mr D. I thought this was hilarious, I could hear her talking absolute bollocks I don’t think he had any idea what she was on about and he kept kicking me under the table. Best moment of the night. Ive promised her I owe her a good night out and I mean it. Tonight just wasn’t it. Mr D was pretty drunk on the way home and after only snacking early evening we were hungry. I quickly went on the slimming world page and looked at what i could have from the Chinese. I still had plenty of syns for the week so why not bloody enjoy them??! I ordered some king prawn noodles and beef with mushrooms. I gave Mr D ‘the look’ when he ordered chips. Just rub them around my lips then take them away why don’t you! Bloody chips. I mainly ate the meat and tried not to eat much of the sauce it was in as I gathered thats where all the naughtys were. Good end to a sober Saturday night.

12/10/14 Mr Ds alarm went off at 6.30am!! Soooo many times he forgets to turn the bloody alarm off!! As uaual I couldn’t sleep and got up and did some washing and pots. Mr D was a little rough but he came to the carboot with me. It was busier this week. We bought 2 tables for the wedding for a few quid. (ther starting to mount up I really need to get some painting done!) and then I got a good duvet cover for bunting and that was it. I do really love a carbooty!! Mr D went off to visit family at the hospital and I got ready for my bridesmaids to arrive. Finally got the 3 of them together. I made some fantastic pulled pork which had been cooking in the slow cooker over night with a can of diet coke. I grated some apple in it and it was pretty damn good! The pork had a coating of maple syrup on it but there were chunk of butter on it which I took off before cooking so this must have took the syn values down? I didnt use my bread allowence as I was giving the girl big fat cobs and Im not allowed one of those. If I cant have a big fat one then Im not even going to bother I just had a bit of left over rice with mine. My bessie then wanted pudding so I gave out my eton mess ice cream I wasnt that fussed about it anyway! I didnt have any training to keep my syns low with having 2 take aways this weekend!

I really enjoyed having my favourite ladies together and after all the baby chat (if they havnt got one there brewing one!) we started planning the hen do!! We all agreed our only option really is the Pontins Southport but the acts are still not announced yet so cant really decide until then. The bessie got straight on the blower and they said the acts would be out in Jan. We had a nose on the website at the acconmdation. Its not great but you cant expect it at a Pontins! Its probably not been done up since the 80s! They had one bungalow which was their gold accomadation. It was barely bronze but it was better than some of the boxy appartments so we rang to find out if it was available. It was but the guy said it will sell out quick so obviously the only option was to quickly pop a £50 deposit on it!! Hen do booked ooosshhhh. Feeling rather bloody exciting!! Ive never had a girls holiday. Ive been away with friends, couples and just one of my girls but never all my faves! and we have our own little girls pure 90s bungalow for the weekend eeekkkkkkkkk.

Really couldnt be bothered to rush around going to asda so no 10p shop today, which also meant no joint of meat for the roast. Sausages would have to do. Weight watcher ones are only half a syn so not bad at all. I tried the slimming world roasties tonight. You part boil them, fluff them up and put them in the oven. You then put a pint of stock in (so there about half way up the spuds) and leave them to soak up all the liquid and go all lovely and crispy!! Deffo worth a shot for anyone trying to cut down and not use any oil. I also did the one syn yorkshires which were just flour and egg realy but they turned out not bad either. Good big fat roast for 3.5 syns yum!!

 

Feeling fat. tonight  I feel I might have been over carbing and not enough veggies again. The next couple of days Im going to eat lots of vegetable and no spuds!! Ugh