Fell off the wagon for the first time

27/10/14 Woke just feeling tired which soon led to me feeling really crappy. Banging head and feeling sick. Like a hangover even though I haven’t drank all weekend? First day of half term and Im in bed watching Homes under the hammer. (seem to watch this alot lately) Genuinly wanted to get to the gym this morning. Ugh.

I really want to stuff my face with a big pile of buttery toast! That feeling when your just not feeling great and you want carbs. I really want bread. Theres a chicken baguette, nice tiger crust one in the fridge that cost 10p. Really wanted to smash super free for the rest of the week as I still feel bad about Friday nights chicken meat and chips. Ive syned it! Its within my syns but I still feel bad for it? The good thing about slimming world is I may not be able to have a pile of toast but I cant have something good that feels naughty! Home made chip butty for lunch it is. I felt more hungry by the time my chips were nearly done so it ended up being chips, veggie sausages and mushy peas for lunch. I will stick to plan.

I stayed in bed all day drifting on and off to sleep. Feeling crappy and exhausted. Before I knew it was 5pm. Luckily I’d put Sunday dinner leftovers in the slow cooker so no dinner cooking required. I was feeling better by the time Mr D got home and was so happy to see him. I had an old pair of velour jogging bottoms on that I remembered I had at the back of my cupboard (no they did not say juicy on the back!) and my fave leopard hoody with ears on the hood. That is my proper ill hoody!

We snuggled up on the sofa and ate stew in the warm. For a left over stew with some added stock it was pretty damn bloody good! Winter is here.

28/10/14 I felt okay today. Maybe it was just a 24 hour thing or it was the smelly quork I ate. (I put it on my chicken kebab meat and then moaned at Mr D for having smelly feet. Turns out it wasn’t his feet it was the empty pot of quork which had mould on the lid! I didn’t notice anything) Working with my new student in the holidays. There was loads of fantastic things I can do with G. First the cinema to watch Tennage Mutant Ninja Turtles ‘heroes in a half shell, TURTLE POWER!’ I got to the cinema armed with my homemade chicken and bacon salad, diet coke, 2 light mini baby bells and 2 slimming world bars. (No syns for me today!) We sat down at 11.20 before the adverts even started. The whole lot was gone by 12 before the film actually started. Luckily I hadn’t bought anything else to tempt me.Me and G went back to my house armed with 3 boxes of weight watcher cookie mix and some dazzles and made little cookies for Minge. I put some ribbon and a label round the jar. Unfortunately the cookies crumbled but managed to roll them into little cookie balls. We didn’t have enough time so thought I’d finish them when I got home. I popped in to see an old friend afterwards. It wasn’t so long ago she was one of my best friends for many years but it was only the second time Ive seen her in the last 14 months. It wasn’t weird or akward, we just nattered solidly for 2 hours and vowed to do it again soon.Sometimes life is too short, you have to bite the bullet and do what YOU actually want. Would I like some of my old best friends to be around at the most important times of my life, yes I would.

I fell off the wagon for the first time. Did it have to be the night before weigh in??! I feel sick and I am so disappointed in myself. I got back and finished off the cookied for my friend. So many crumbled and wouldn’t go into cookies so I ate them. I ate all the chocolatey crumbs, Ive no idea how many syns Ive gone over by. 8? More? Im not eating anything now until after weigh in. I feel miserable.

People write these little comments and it’s like a little dig. Like some people don’t want you to do well. ‘Told you so’  They want to be the star of the show the one thats lost loads of weight. Always the fucking expert. Ive said it before and I’ll say it again I write a Blog and have a page for positivity. To help you stick to it, help each other out. Sod off if not!!

Im worried that if I gain tomorrow this will push me over the edge and I’ll be miserable and want to eat! Then the endless cycle will begin again. I really don’t want to gain L

29/10/14 Up and about early this morning, Im just not good at staying in bed. I beat myself up about it if Im in bed after 8am. Belly already rumbling but I don’t want to risk putting on, might let myself have a cereal bar. I’ll start with a power walk with the pooch. After putting on one of my fave dresses 2 months ago today it feels rather baggy round the middle. Whooooo!! Im starting to feel that I may have over reacted with the cookie crumbs. If I had used all my Wednesday syns this morning it wouldn’t of been 15 that I used in crumbs so Im feeling okay. Im actually feeling thinner. I power walked the dog anyway but it wasn’t as none stop as I planned as the pooch stopped, sniffed, weed up every tree, bin, lamppost and peice of litter on the floor! Managed to power through without the cereal bar. I was feeling pretty hungry when it got nearer to class and I did something naughty I got a small Cornish pasty out of the freezer (that I’d bought for 10p) put it in the oven then wrapped it in foil for after weigh in. I know, I know! All Ive done is bang on about not having treats after weigh in but Im not going to binge! Im out of routine this week with it being half term and I just feel like having a little bit of time off with the food syn obsessing. Just a few hours! Time for fat club.

Different people spoke to me as I queued to get weighed all asking about me and how Im doing. People must see my post and some I think read my Blog but I realised afterwards how selfish I must seem. One lady asked about my wedding and said she had her hen do this weekend. I then had to get weighed and never had chance to ask her about her. Hope they don’t all think Im a self indulged fucker! I hopped on the scales and was happy with a 1lb weight loss! I did it! I still got a loss, Ive still had a loss every single week and I haven’t let myself down! Never been so happy with 1lb loss! I sat at the back of the class with my ‘fat club fwienddds’ Im genuinely starting to see them as friends too. Its so good to be with people that are obsessed with food and the plan as much as me. People that understand, people that have been fatties and love their grub. After a good natter it was a cover lady again this week which always gets a poorer turn out in class. She was going round the whole class again and how every one did. Its a good job anybody didn’t want the group to know how much theve gained as she told everybody everything. To be honest we culdnt hear that well as some of my friends children were here this week, we got a lot of dirty looks when the kids were a little bit noisy. There kids for Gods sake! I didn’t have any of the sweets luckily they never really tempt me, good job it wasn’t any savoury naughtys going round. Tonight they did slimmer of the month but it doesn’t count if youve put on. So L got in but she’d also put on nearly 2 stone this month and then lost it again. If I put on alot of weight I could lose it again the following week if I worked hard!

 So On the way to my car I was starving and had a quick munch on a barely warm Cornish pasty that I’d burnt round the edges. Good for my diet I only ate a bit of the middle which tied me over until lunch. My old chum who I haven’t seen for 18 months came over from brum for lunh today. It was so good to see him, we worked together quite a few years ago now. We went off for a pub lunch and what I really fancied was a nice sandwhich. Beens Ive just been weighed I’ll do what everybody else seems to do and treat myself. Not going mad with take away, puddings or anything greasy but just a really good sandwhich. I was thinking maybe a panni or a toasty or a bloomer. Mmmm Unfortunately the sandwhich choices weren’t great but then I spotted the ploughmans. That would do nicely before I got tempted by anything too naughty that I’d regret! My buddy had fish and chips and I had quite a healthy ploughmans. Half an apple, some lean ham, salad, a couple of different cheeses and a lovely crusty bit of bread with real butter. I forgot how good real butter it was gooooood. It was so good to catch up. Sometimes you have friends you don’t see that often but it doesn’t matter as long as you stay in touch and have a good catch up from time to time! I then went off to see my Bessie and have a bit of catch up time. I was naughty and had a biscuit and met her very cute new puppy. It was then about 5.30 and went off to see Minge for her birthday. Armed with the homemade jar of cookies that had casued me so much stress! It was so lovely to see her! We chatted none stop for 2 hours before I though I better head home for tea. We still didn’t have enough time to fit everything in. This woman goes off the rador so quickly but Im not going to let her!! A busy day catching with my friends deffo a prodctive one! I headed home and so glad I’d put dinner in the slow cooker. Linda mcartneys meat balls (1 syn for half a pack!) in a tomatey chilli sauce with a big pile of spaghetti. It was yum! Some valuable time with the Mr and it was already time for bed!

30/10/14 Got G again today so I had my yogurt for breakfast and went to collect her. We nipped to the shop to get some food for her lunch and to get some things to make Halloween goodies out of. Homemade decorations are always the best! Ive got a good imagination anyway but now I have found alsorts of goodies on pintrest that only adds to it! We bought some stripey tights so we could make witchs legs like in the wizard of Oz.  We stuffed them with some of Mr Ds old shirts and attached them too a black umbrella to look like her skirt. I then added a pair of old black pointy boots and we cut out a large gold buckle for each out of gold wrapping paper and then hung it outside the front door. It looked pretty good. G had a lovely time. We then got latex gloves and filled each of them with sweets, blew them up a bit and tied them with string. We made 2 baskets full ready for the trick or treaters and put some on a string across the room for my Halloween guests. We made our lunch and chilled out and watched a film for a bit and then it was already time to finish. I enjoyed myself as much as her I love making things!

Feeling fat and bloated I thought I’d get my arse in gear and go to a class. I knew there used to be a dancey one on Wednesdays at 4.30. Perfect as Ive got G until 3. I decided to ring and check it was a good job as its Thursday. Idiot!

Mr D wasn’t feeling very well so I went bargain shopping alone ready for the party. I manged to get a load of good stuff quick and cheap. Crispy potatoe slices, dips and loads of doughnuts that i could put on a string for a game. I managed to finally track down the only wrap you can have as your healthy B choice on Slimming World. Gluten free and £3.25 a pack thats 70p a bloody wrap! I also got some of my light babybells. Thats over a fiver just for two items. This diet is bloody expensive! Good job the rest of it is bargains! Mr D was in bed when I got back feeling very sorry for himself. I gave him the goodies I’d bought him lemsips, paracetamol, iburophen, a apple pastry and a pack of bacon chedders. He didn’t even eat any of them so he must have been ill! Early night for me then. Snuggled up with my book and a man with man flu!

31/10/14 Mr D stayed off today. Thats serious as hes never off sick! I looked after him. Made him breakfast in bed a chocolate crossiant with peanut butter. That is wife material right there! Chocolate peanut butter crossiant and I didn’t even have a sneaky nibble. Damn Im good.  I went up to  in the attic and bringing down all the Halloween goodies. I picked up G at 10 and we spent the next hour and a half decorating the house and making it look very spooky! There were cobwebs everywhere. Every surface was covered in black. The front garden had grave stones and do not enter signs as well as the witches legs we made the day before. We put a skull in the wheel barrow and made it look like somebody had been digging graves. Four bags worth of decorations and the place was like a haunted house. My collection grows and grows every year. We then headed off to zumba aerobics. We were by far the youngest there. It was us and 8 grannies with their gray buns pinned on the top of their heads. Ive been to this class before and its normally a lady in her 50s that teachs it and puts on loads of old tunes that even I don’t recognise half off. This week a young blonde come rushing in apolagising that shes late because she covering the class. She puts on her music and some pumping regaee tune blares out. Shes swinging her hips and thrusting. The young girl is putting on quite a show in her tight lycra outfit staring at the young life gaurd every 2 seconds to see if hes watching. He is staring at his bottle of water and occasionly looking at the clock. Obviously a big student night last night. The grannies are loving it. Bingo wings flapping and saggy boobs swaying all over the shop! After swimming we headed to nandos for lunch. I’d already done my homework and knew I could have butterfly chicken, corn on the cob and spicy rice for 5 syns! Thats pretty good. It was a treat for G so she had chicken wings, chips and garlic bread covered in nandos hot sauce. It was a good call but i was pretty happy with mine. Plus ulimted diet coke for it all came to £24 thats a lot of money for a light lunch! It was nice and I had 6 glasses of diet coke with my spicy chicken so I got my moneys worth! The portion size wasn’t great I would of ordered a side salad too but I didn’t want to spend anymore money! I could of defiantly ate it twice over but that would be a expensive lunch! Really good to know i can nip somewhere in town and have a tasty lunch for 5 syns. I’ll be doing this again.

It was soon time to start thinking about the Halloween ball. I wanted to be looking spooky when the trick or treaters started arriving. I started on my make up early. I love doing fancy dress make up. I wanted to look dead and I wanted it to look good not just some pound shop white facepaint slapped on with some fake blood! I spent ages doing shadows and building up my eyes to look dead! No fake blood in sight! Mr D had told me he wanted to do his own until he saw mine and said he wouldn’t make it look as good as that so let me do it. Im glad Im good at something! Our outfits looked brilliant. The coffee staining, ripping, adding a bit of mud and sewing on cobwebs paid off! Its a shame I would be only wearing this once but next year I'll be too thin for it. Its a bit big on me as it is. It was a lot of work wearing a wedding dressing I kept nearly tripping over, Mr D kept treading on it only just made it to the ball without falling flat on my face. The first people we saw were standing at the entrance dressed for a ball. Not Halloween!! Oh Shit, had I made a massive fuck up?!  Luckily not, as we got inside there were a lot of fancy dress. More the shop bought with a bit of extra eye liner and a bit of fake blood coming out the mouth. I always go over the top but I just cant do things by halfs! If Im going to do something Im going to do it well. If Im going to a Halloween Ball Im going to have a damn good homemade outfit. There was a lot less people than I thought which is a shame with it being for charity but £45 a ticket is a lot of money. I sat down at the table with people I knew from work. Some I knew quite a bit because Im in class with them. Everyone complimented our outfits and we sat down to wait for our 3 course meal. I turned round to see a girls bum cheeks. Saying it was a short skirt she was wearing was a understatement. She had a great figure but I deffo would not feel comfortable with my arse cheeks on show. She was bending over slightly and she was leaving nothing to the imagination. I hope for her sake she doesn’t get drunk and start touching her toes. I already knew what the meal was so I planned it out in my head. Dont eat the pastry for starter and don’t eat the crackling or pudding. I started out well just ate the goats cheese, eggy , bacon mixture out of the tart. Had plenty of veggies with my pork for the main. (the bowl of veggies was passed round the table and we were last so we didn’t have to worry about anybody else whoop!) The guy who was supposed to be sat next to me hadn’t arrived. His starter was still sitting there so when pudding arrived I swapped it. I thought it would be better to have some more eggy bacon cheeseyness as my pudding but then they bought him a pudding too. There were too puddings next to me that I was pretty sure i would like. I don’t like crème brulee adn I don’t like chocolaote orange. I swapped it back and left him with a empty pastry case. (I was pretty sure he wasn’t arriving for food now!) and just thought I’d try the pud. I didn’t bother with the sugar crispy topping. I just had a bit of the moose. Turns out it wasn’t too orangey and was pretty good. I’ll just have a little bit more, and a little bit more and ate the lot! No more drinks for me tonight I used my syns on pudding!! We all need to finish with a little bit of chocolatey goodness.

Then it was the raffle. £5 for a strip of tickets. Turns out they called out the whole strip as one ticket. Thats £5 for one raffle ticket. Nobody on our table won anything. It was £1 to request a song, this was turning out a pretty pricey event. At least it was all for charity.

The photographer was right next to us and all the girls on my table from work got up and had a picture together. I wondered if I’ll ever be apart of the work group. Will they ever be my friends. I know for sure they’ll never be like my buddies from my last job. My first few months with them they were already my best buddies and we would have posing up there together laughing and joking making rude gestures to the camera. I miss my old work buddies. A few people got on the dance floor to dance to a few cheesey Halloween songs but having not drunk much and not having any friends there me and Mr D decided to go but not ready to go home we popped into the Bless. It wasn’t how it used to be. I didn’t recognise anyone and this was my drinking hole for 10 years. It was half full of students dressed as dead cheer leaders, nurses and anything that included wearing as less as possible. The other half of the pub was full of old men luring at them. The music was good but we just stayed for the one. How things change!

1/11/14 Woke up feeling pretty good and actually pleased I’d not drank too much last night and got to bed by midnight! God I sound so old!! Mr D was at work, the sun was shining so I took a little trip to the carbooty. I found a nice stall selling nice cards for 20p each. Fab, I bought cards for every occasion and pleased with my bargain! Yep its official Im old!! Strolled around bought a few bits and bobs and spent all my dosh. I then thought I’d go along to wilkos see if there were any cheap Halloween bits but got distracted on the way. A good cheapo shop called Futton. My basket was overflowing with bargain goodies. Passata with peppes in 20p a carton, light caramel hot chocs for 10p and  a few naughtier items for Mr D including 50p for a multipack of hula hoops! Im deffo going there again!! I went to wilkos and all the halloween stuff was 75% off only got a few goodies as my house was already full!! But couldn’t resisit a few. I could have bought a load of outfits and sell them for more next year but I just couldn’t be bothered!! I headed home and started cooking skinny steak rice with salad. Thought I better post the steaks on the slimming world website just incase and it turns out they were really high! Hardly bloody steak they were made up of crap!! So I gave them Mr D and I got out the emergency  box of Iceland duck little skewers half a syn for half a box oooshhh. Gluten free wrap as my healthy extra. Taste like cardboard but over all pretty bloody good. With the house all done and ready I just then had to make myself and Mr D look fabulous or gruesome! The plan was to look freaky. Fuck this mamsy pamsy hot dead Alice in Wonderland, cheer leader anything in a fucking mini skirt, boobs out and just a little bit of fake blood on my neck. Its Halloween I want to look scary!! This year it was clowns. I usually get my Halloween ideas a year in advance and thought this year would be ‘Your worse nightmares theme’  I put some putty at the sides of my mouth and covered it in fake blood so it looked like someone had sliced me a big smile! I smudged all my clown make up so I just looked messed up. Mr Ds was similar but he had blood coming out of his eyes. Complete with homemade outfits and wigs we were ready. My friend C, her husband and 2 kids arrived and didn’t even look twice at us. Didnt scare them at all! My niece wasn’t quite as happy with it and didn’t recognise me at all she just looked at me strange. Her dad had a full bandaged up face but she was fine with him!! It wasn’t a big crazy party. It was a lovely gathering of my friends and kids. If I’d rewound it to 5 years ago the house would of been jammed full of drunken merry folk doing shots and sticking their face in jelly but Im sad to say I think those kinds of parties ae now behind me. Times have changed and Im pretty much the only one without kids.  Luckily I am a big kid and enjoyed doing all the extras for kids. Eating doughnuts on a string (not me though) and Mr D and my bro did a nice little firewroks display. This year we put the pooch in the bedroom so he didn’t run out and nearly set himeslef on fire trying to eat the Catherine wheel again. I made pulled pork in the slow cooker and did a whole pile of tear and share cheesy garlic bread that I would of loved to of eaten but not allowed and then nobody else ate it! Nothing worse than throwing away something I knew would be delicious!!  My very preggers Bessie and husband came and when everyone else left the 4 of us sat and nattered. I ended up having 2 drinks as it wasn’t really the night to get smashed so thought I would eat my syns instead! We talked babies as we muched pombears and ate curly wurlys. I even felt her kick which feels crazy! Cant believe my Bessie is actually going to have a baby! All grown up!! Mr D and Mr D chatted about outdoorsy man stuff whilst drinking whisky.  May not have been a crazy one but i was good to have fun with some of my favourites!!

2/11/14 Knackered I woke up at 7.15 I couldn’t get back to sleep so I thought I might as well crack on with the big clear up.  This is when I started thinking why the bloody hell do I make this much effort of doing my whole house up just for a small gathering of my friends? So much food leftover which wouldnt have been the case if people had let me know they weren’t coming. I find it incredibly rude when your mates and Mr Ds mates can’t even send you a message to say they are now not coming. This is one of my big hates. People letting you down and not even being arsed to tell you. Well maybe next time people wont get a invite! None rude folks only!!

I did 2 hours of clearing up the Halloween stuff, chucking bottles and alot of food in the bin. Im thinking next year I may just flog the lot and not bother. I was ready to go back to bed when I went into the bathroom. Why do I always have to go to far? My bathroom was covered in fake blood. Hand prints and splatters all over the place. Ugh why do I never learn. Better get the bleach out.

My back is killing. It seems to be getting worse. It kept twingeing when I moved in certain positions. I wish I had drunk more last night as I feel crappy anyway! After persuadeing Mr D to go to the shop for weight watcher sausages he also made breakie! He doesn’t know how to cook eggy bread so I had to show him! I bloody love eggy bread. 2 pieces of weight watcher bread soaking up a large egg. The pan nice and hot with spray light and plenty of salt and pepper. Fried until it starts to crisp round the edge. Mmm so good and it makes the bread swell up with the egg so feels like you get so much more bread than you have! Eggy bread rules!! To be honest that was pretty much the highlight of my day! I sat on my fat ass in the corner of the sofa watching heroes. Followed by a little nap.  Had a bath, read some book and that was my whole day!! I am one lazy son of a bitch!!