'Shouldn't of ate jam on toast, should have taken a shit'

3/11/14 I’d not really thought about what was happening today. I think my mind blocked it out on purpose, it wasn’t until I was stood all in black in the queue at the cremetorem that it hit me. Back here only weeks off 5 years since I last stood here but last time I was at the front everybody staring at us and telling us how sad they were for our loss. This time was different though surrounded by similar faces of the whole clan of my dads side of the family. Cousins, second cousins, not so many Aunts and Uncles anymore. All with the same family trates. Were an intresting bunch of folks stood infront of us was a woman wearing a blanket and Terry Tibbs! Spitting image of Terry Tibbs! The older men on this side of the family are all Terry Tibbs and Delboy Trotter dodgy dealer old leather jacket and flat cap kind of blokes. I had to laugh or I’d cry. My grandparents (from mums side) and mum came. Loads of old folks. I swear old folks like to go to funerals. ‘Thats Beryl she lived next door but 3 to me when I was 23 years old. Its her Uncles funeral I said hello to him once so we must go pay our respects’ In front of me was a lady I recognised from fat club. Not someone I had really spoken too but a chatty member of the group. I really didn’t feel like making chit chat to be honest I was only just chatting to my brother. I didn’t really want to talk to anyone. She hadn’t spotted me. The first time I came here for my Uncle we kept thinking my dad who was sitting next to us was next. He was next and now 5 years on I am here thinking of my dad again. We went in and started with a hymn. I like a good hymn, its easy to forget where you are when your singing about green hills in ancient times and golden bows. My brother looked at me confused and I realised I’d pointed at the wrong song and he nearly blasted out ‘Amazing Grace’ When we sat down and the man stood at his wooden desk at the front I was instantly transported to 5 years ago. The more he spoke the more upset I got. Not for my Aunty but for my dad. Everything felt the same, everything felt fresh. That knot in my stomach and my heart aching for the loss of my dad. The coffin sitting in exactly the spot my family on the front row. It felt like I was about to go up and do my speech again. By the end the tears were in full flow and I needed to go to my dads tree. It didnt feel right going to go and speak to the family when I was struggling to think about my Aunty. I felt bad for it and selfish that at my Auntys funeral my tears weren’t for her. I had to get out and as I did the lady from fat club smiled at me. I was in no state for small talk and made a quick exit, behind the family to my dads plaque, my dads tree. I hoped nobody would follow I wanted  a bit of time with my dad but mum was quickly behind me. She knew it was about my dad. She said hello to him too. My Uncle and cousin weren far behind also paying repects to the other fallen brothers. Maybe not so selfish to think of others at this hard time. I spent some time thinking of my Aunt and what a kind hearted lady she was. A sad time for all the family. I miss my dad.

I went to the pub afterwards. The Mackworth hotel. The place everybody goes for their wake. Its depressing I never want to go either places again. The family looked smaller today. 5 of them have passed in the last 5 years. It was good to chat to my Uncle and a few cousins. I dont really see them but it was so nice to hear them telling stories and chatting about my dad. I guess the people I spend time with dont really talk about my dad much.

I shadow hung over me for the rest of the day. I felt like crawling under the duvet and not coming out.

The night went down hill. After visiting the caravan and Mr D not being quite happy with it we popped to the shop then headed home. I went within myself and didn’t feel like talking. I had a bubble bath but didn’t stay in long enough to read my book. I went downstairs and tried to concentrate on some Heroes. I felt sad and got really upset. Not been that upset since he died. I dont really understand it.                                                               

04/11/14 So tired but couldnt get back to sleep. My eyes are puffy and I look like crap. I feel like a zombie strolling around the house. I really need to try and get some more sleep if Im going to get through a evening shift. I don’t feel like seeing people or speaking to people. I didn’t do much this morning just some washing and walked the dog. Cooked some roasted pepper pasta for lunch and then it was time to go back to work. Never easy after a week off. I arrived to find out Ofsted were in so everybody was feeling a little stressed. I had completly mixed up dinner. My usual potatoe and beans but the kids had mushy peas so I thought beens as there syn free I might as well. Beans, salad and mushy peas is not the best combo! By the time I got home I wanted something proper but just had a bag of pom bears in bed. So many of my syns are on crisps. How I love crisps!

05/11/14 Weigh in day! I actually look forward to fat club day! I know Ive stuck to it and look forward to stepping on the scales and watching more weight go forever! And seeing my new fat club chums is always good. I took a sneaky weigh in at work and thought I’d lost about a pound. I knew I’d not lost anymore than that. I’d dashed out the house in a rush  and forgot my yogurt for breakfast. The kids had jam on toast it looked and smelt so good I just had to have some! I never eat jam but it just smelt good.I then spent the next few hours fretting and worrying about eating jam on toast before weigh in! And it was white bread!! Why before weigh in would I get a craving for jam on toast??!!  I made my roasted pepper and light phili and spinach pasta to take with me to fat club. Busy today and had to have that awful wait to get weighed. Time to stand and wait ‘shouldnt of ate jam on toast, should of had a shit, shouldn’t of ate jam on toast, should of had a shit!’ 1lb off!! Thats good enough for me! This is the weekend I was worried about double Halloween celebrations including a 3 course meal and drinks and I bloody did it!! Still lost!! It might be slow but I am on fire!! Good natter with my fellow dieters. The leader even made us campfire stew and mushy peas! (Still ate my pasta) and a little pot of that too. Free 0 syn grub in class, well what a bloody good class!! I realised I’d left my phone at home disaster. Going to be 12 hours without it!! Cant tell anyone how good Im doing! Damn!! I stashed a couple of goodies in my bag for after fat club. A sausage roll that I’d microwaved and put in foil. It had gone hard. It must be a sign I should not be having cheeky none syned treats! Luckily I wasn’t hungry but I did have a little chocolate milkshake in my bag! Need just a little bit of naughty choclateyness. Off I went to work phoneless! It was a really lovely evening at work all settld back in after half term. I had the usual jacket potatoe for tea but have grazed a bit tonight.  Weve done healthy pizza for the kids supper so I grazed on low fat cheese and sweetcorn. I then had a slice of wholemeal bread with light philly and when  got home I had some hula hoops. This is a really bad habbit to get on to on weigh in day! I refuse to turn in to one of these bingers that order a 15 inch super pizza with everything whilst their still in the bloody queue to get weighed! Nope, nope. One small treat after weigh in and thats it!! I will not stray to the dark side!!

06/11/14 I was still half a sleep when Mr D got up but I couldn’t get back to sleep. I pottered around like usual having a bit of a tidy up then time for councelling. I knew all I would talk about this week would be my dad. Its obviously still playing on my mind as I just burst straight into it. I came out with lots of old stories. Skimmed over all the bad ones I guess. Alsorts popped out being 13 years old when a girl my age from the next street knocked on my door and told me my dad had passed out outside her house, to not wanting to bring my friends home incase he was drunk right up to once mum had kicked him out and then all the things me and my brother had to deal with after that. Not turning up to his sons wedding, the big guys threatening to kill him whilst and cried and gave them money, setting his flat on fire, trying to get him sectioned, getting the police to break into his house, fits, his mental health detearing and not knowing who his son was until the day my brother found him dead. Thats a lot of ground to cover in a hour. Which she reminded me was 25 years of my life. I guess you don’t always think of it like that. She asked me things like 'how do I see my dad now. The one who did all this or ‘daddy’ from my child hood.?' She said that no wonder I over stress and over worry. In my conclusion I’m like this because of my dad. Nothing I didn’t know and she said that.

I left feeling slightly sick and my chest feeling tight. I felt the need to keep busy. I don’t even feel I can write about it today. Im going to busy myself with Christmasy things before work.  I had many left overs in the fridge so just chucked in the oven some potatoe, peppers, bacon and some tomatoes and chillis. Would have been nicer if I’d had time to leave it longer. Time soon went quick and time for work again. I had to go into mcdoanlds to pick up the kids stuff but it didn’t tempt me to be honest. I feel tired and its dark and dreary I want chocolate cake and custartd. Im going to do some baking this weekend and it eat it all! Syn it of course! I only ate half my dinner as we have it at 4.30 before we go swimming.  I’d used leftover ingrediants with the girls to make a good veggie omelette and had a few chips and salad. We had a great swim, did some aqua where we did lots of jumping and marching. Good for the kids and for me! We headed back and I had the rest of my homemade chips for supper with a few baked beans and sprinkling of light cheese. Before bed I had 2 chocolate brownie bars. I felt fat, stodged and like I’d be really naughty! When actually I’d only used 6 syns!! Triple potatoed it today!! Not good, good job I didn’t have them for breakfast too! Thursday is officially potatoe day! I am a fucking spud!!

07/11/14 I didn’t sleep quite as bad as usual so I felt okay today. We still had some left over ingrediants still from cooking so cooked mushrooms and spaghetti for breakfast. The day went pretty quik watching the kids swim in the morning. Avoiding 2 different lots of cookies when I got back. Home made chunky yummy ones and big soft gooey looking shop bought ones. I was tempted to have one knowing I was cooking tonight and had some syns but decided I didn’t think I could just eat one so didn’t risk it. Who eats one cookie? Not a fat bird! I ate my 2 slimming world bars instead. The weather was awful today dark grey and hammering it down.  I hid away for my lunchbreak and read my book for half an hour and ate my pasta. In the afternoon we went bowling and that was it day done!

Weve decided to buy the caravan we went to see. Its small and old and originally worried about the sky light but weve got him down to £200. Me and Mr D were going to spend money this weekend anyway so we thought bugger it we’ll take a risk and get the caravan! We can do it up and make it look all pretty hopfully by News Years Eve so we can go on our little road trip! Thats our Christmas present to each other. Exciting, better get on pintrest for some ideas how to do her up!

Normally I head straight home but I didn’t feel quite as sleepy as normal and had got some crusty bread for my grandparents so popped to see them and had a diet coke. I also wanted to pop in B and M to get some paint ready for the caravan cupboards! (very exciting) and stock up on diet coke and get some ingrediants ready for cooking. After sitting in traffic for nearly a hour I started preparing the Friday night fakeaway! This weekend I don’t want to drink or eat takeaway so I know exactly what syns Im having and hopfully lose more than 1lb. I did the Chinese chicken curry in the slow cooker with mayflower  sauce but there could of done with being more sauce really. I then did some egg friend rice and king prawn noodles. Not exactly like it would be from the Chinese but not bad! We watched a film but it had subtitiles and talked a lot about war and history so I was easily distracted. I started planning a Christmas get together. Starting at teatime so it doesn’t effect my friend with children in routine. Every year we have a Christmas quiz night and we used to always have a Christmas night out in town with a theme every year. Elves, snowmen, The Nativity. The Nativity was my fave but was before the Mr D days. I went as a king though Im not sure having a drawn on beard and mustouche is a particulary flattering look for me. This year will be quizness, mulled wine and christmasyness then into town to also celebrate my bro’s birthday. Double whammy!! Whislt half watching a film half planning festive fun I ate a box of milado dime. There were amazing and 15 syns for the wole box. Been as im not drinking or eating takeaway its all about the snacks this weekend!! 15 syns well spent followed by a late night packet of space raiders. This was just out of greed. Ive had a greedy few days just because Ive got syns. Nope Im not going to ruin it this week, I will not over snack. I am knocking this on the head!!

08/11/14 Strange after all last night snacking I woke up hungry! I must be feeling better about myself because whilst Mr D dozed next to me I started looking at wedding dresses. The dreaded wedding dress!! And quite quickly I found a photo of exactly what I wanted. Unfortunately it was a made in China dodgy cheap jobby. Im not risking that! I got given a few names of dress makers and emailed one that my Bessie sent me. I sent her the picture and she said this would be no problem. I’ll probably speak to a few. My mum sounds disappointed she desperately wants me to go to endless wedding shops and try on lots of dresses. Not right now mum Im too fat to fit in any!! This dress is perfect. Beautiful lace sleeves and ¾ length none of this tripping off the tril when Im drunk or at the farm. Long dresses are not for festivals and to be honest I always wanted a short one. I just didn’t want it to looklike just a prom dress or a nice dress you could wear to a posh party. I want it still to look like a beautiful wedding dress. Lace and pretty. I think this is it!!

Its caravan day!!! Off we went in the pouring down rain to get our caravan ‘Wilma’  the good thing about it absolutely pissing down last night and today so we’d quickly see any sign of leaks or damp. Luckily there wasn’t. We had to sit in silence trailing it home, Mr D needed complete silence to concentrate on towing it. We made it in one piece but then we had to get it on the drive. We decided we could push it up. That failed miserably and with just the 2 of us we could not get it up infront of the house. Luckily our nextdoor neighbours arrived home at exactly the right time with 3 of us pushing manovering and some wood to help get partly on to the woodchips we had it on. Not exactly where I thought it would be and it mean I can no longer park on the middle bit of the drive but you can still see out of the window and you easily get in to the carvan. Score! I didn’t want to waste any time and after sitting in it smiling for 10 minutes whilst Mr D faffed with the electrics I took all the drawers out to sand and paint. Whilst they were drying I baked some wholemeal healthy B bread to make a pizza with and tried to make rolo 2 syn cakes. Unfortunatley I left them in a little too long and the rolos went all squigy! Still ate a few and must remember for next time they ony need a few minutes once the rolos are in the oven! After re painting the cupboards and being very productive finally getting everything put back in the attic I had a bath before homemade pizza for tea! I was actually really pleased with how the homemade bread came out and covered it in peppers chilli, tomatoes, onion and my allowance of cheese. I could have had 2 big slices for no syns but I had to have 3 and make it half the pizza with salad and homemade chips. Great for 3 syns!!

We went off to the pictures to see a science spacey film Mr D wanted to see. Not really my bag but didn’t look awful. Got to keep the man happy. It was only out this weekend and the cinema was rammed full. I hated it when 4 men sat to my left. The film was nearly 3 hours and with my bladder how was I supposed to last that long? There was no way I was going to get up and squeeze past these men with my fat ass in their faces!! I would rather nearly burst! No one needs my lump trying to squeeze past. At first this made me anxious and I really don’t like people being that close to me. I hardly drank any diet coke because i daren’t risk it. The film turned out pretty good so took my mind off it and I just sat listened and enjoyed my curly wurly. Good night after all.

09/11/14 Woke up at 8am wanting to get in the caravan. As a lay in bed with Mr D fast off heavy breathing next to me I was thinking how I would get up and start cleaning it. I then had a new plan that I would go to the carboot to look for fabric for the seating. I quickly showered but it was foggy then the sun started peeping through. Got my wolly hat and a bit of lippy on and off I went. It was pretty good there was plenty of things I could have bought today. I went to a stall (with nice clean looking people) and they had some beautiful floral curtains. I know Mr D said no floral but I think a bit of floral would be okay? They were beautiful thick fully lined curtains and only £5 but then I spotted they had yellow floral ones too. Mr D likes a bit of yellow and they came in 2 sizes. Which to get? Yellow wasn’t in the plan! She said £10 for all 3 pairs, SOLD!! Proper bargain! It was a massive heavy bag so I said I’d come back for them. A few stalls down and I saw another long pair of red thick curtains for £3. BOOOOOOOM!! I bought them as well. I had to make 2 trips to the car armed with all my fabulous goodies! Me and Mr D found a middle ground and went for the red for the bottom of the seats and the red floral for the top cushions. The yellow floral turned out perfect for the front room and I used one of the spare cushions as a throw on the opposite sofa.  Really chuffed with that result. We popped to Homebase but the paint was double the price and with Mr D wanted super glue and sandpaper as well I convinced him to trek over to B and M instead. He really wanted a light browny/mushroomy colour which I wasn’t complety convinced on but I do have to let him have some say so we went with that. I then spent the next few hours painting all the wood in the caravan. Mr D did all the sanding and then cleaned all of the outside. We stopped for leftover pizza and salad and then went back to do it all over again for a second coat! I crashed and burned about 4pm knackered!!

Get us with our busy productive sensible weekend!!