The one thing that could break me

20/10/14 I sent my boss a text saying I couldn’t supply today. I just feel shattered and that Im getting behind with things. I need a productive day of blogging, sewing and making some phone calls. Thats my exciting life!

I went to see my nan and we had a quick trip to Heron. Not got too many goodies from there in a while. Its always hit and miss in thise places but 6 muller lights for £1 is always good. I haven’t had any good babybell or light phili there for a while! Should of stocked up with 10 bags of light babybells at that price! We had a nice little swimming sess though it took me a while to convince my nan that it was best that we swam lengths like everybody else was doing because we didn’t want to be those 2 people that always go against the tide and make everybody stop and start. We didn’t swim too long Nan was pretty worn out today. In our last few lengths we had to do dodge round a fat Eddie Murphy who was stood still in the middle of the pool. At first I thought he was just humming to himself but then when I swam past him the second time I realised his eyes were shut and his whole chunky body was jiggerly, his moobs bouncing on the water whilst he made a loud humming sound. Good place for meditating, you never know what your going to see in a council swimming pool.

Im going all contrivisional and trying a ‘tweak’ recipe tonight. Im desperate for some garlic bread and saw a recipe using smash. I made the smash up with exactly the amount of water it says. So to me thats not a tweek? Ive made it as directed all Ive done afterwards is flatten it and crisp it up in the oven with some garlic and a little bit of light cheese. I don’t see how that is cheating. You can have normal potatoes boiled, baked, fried but not smash?! Bog off tweak police!!

Sod treat them mean keep them keen! Thats ok when your 17 maybe even in your early 20s but as you hit 30 youve got to treat your man nice! He dashed home from work so he could fix my wipers before it got too dark. He worked for 10 hours then straight away spent 45 mins  fixing my car. I ran him a big fat bubble bath and made sure dinner would be ready for when he got out.

We nipped to do a quick cheap shop in tesco but they were like vultures for the fruit! Crazy women! How many bags of oranges do you really need?! We got a few bargains for the week, veggies and salad. Not bad. I also picked up chocolate soya milk and weetabix which Ive been looking forward to since L from class posted it last week. She said it tasted like chocolate pudding! I wasn’t disappointed it was chocolatey and stodgy and a really good winter supper.  Will deffo be having this again!!

21/10/14 Woke up to the rain hitting the window and the wind whistling loudly. Once Mr D left me and the pooch snuggled up and dozed off to Lorraine. I really didn’t know if to go to the gym or not I was very 50/50. When I was dosing off I remembered this weks class was going to be partner work at that point I put the duvet completly over my head and I emerged at 9.20 which was too late to go. I stayed in bed with my green tea and watched the Biggest Loser. Thats got to be nearly as good as the gym? Well at least its motivating! If I had a bra on I may of considered doing some star jumps.

Popped to Asda to get a few of the tins Ive seen on the slimming website. I do spend a lot of time in supermarkets I think Im a bit obsessed!

Ive started the bad habit of nipping into the nurses room next to our office and weighing myself when its close to weigh in. I know its a bad habit to get into but after my vodka binge I just needed to know that Ive pulled it back enough. The scales are different but I think Ive worked it out and Im pretty sure its going to be at least a pound loss. I must only allow myself to do this once a week!! Theres a reason I don’t have scales at home!

As i was sitting at work with the team discussing targets I got a text through telling me my Aunty had passed away. I texted my bro, my mum and was about to text Mr D but had to put my phone away. I didn’t really feel like talking about it or telling anyone at that point. How do you say my Aunties dead? Tonight there was a few changes and I went to a Youth Club tonight with some of he students. I was a little low and tired and the worse thing happened. The one thing that could break me. Possibly my fave thing in the world. Chip shop chips. It gets better. In a big fat slice of white bread with butter. I could of ate a whole big bag to myself with a whole pile of bread. The golden rule everything tastes better with bread. The second golden rule everything tastes better with cheese. After queueing with my students watching them get a plate and then watch them casually dunk a chip and pop into their mouths so casually. I want to casually dunk chips and pop them in my mouth. I want to shovel them in covered in salad cream. I gave in and ate 4 small ones. They were so good. I thought if I’d gave in to a couple I’d deffo give in to more but I just had the 4. We went back to school and I was walking down the coridoor when I saw one of the team mid much on a chip butty! The staff had only got chip butties on the way home so I havnt just got to avoid chips once but twice!! I will be strong, I will be strong, I will not give in to chips!!

Tonight I am thinking of my Aunty Mags. She used to visit us every Saturday morning and give each of a £1. Even if your mate was over they would get a £1 too. She’d often take us in to town for breakfast. Me and my bro always joked about the time we saw her casually put a whole sausage in her mouth and eat it. Impressive. Dad used to tell us stories of how her gravy was thicker than her mashed potatoe. I remember how she used to collect monkey teddys and have loads of them all down her sofa. The main thing I remember is that she had a heart of gold. Say hello to my dad for me.

22/10/14 Weigh in day! Off to work for a few hours then home for a power nap. I had my yogurt for breakfast Im really getting bored of muller bloody lights!! I don’t even like yogurt much but there free on slimming world so I’ll have a muller bloody light for breakfast again! Of course I didn’t have my power nap. I pottered round doing pots, making lunch and then I got 20 minutes to watch a bit of homes under the hammer. Typical then I started to doze off, well it was too late by then time for fat club! I felt okay getting on the scales feeling sure I’d lost at least 1lb and I’d lost 2!! Ooooshh 1 stone 2 lb in 6 weeks. Not too shabby!! The Leader today admitted shes struggling and is now at the same weight she was when she started 6 weeks ago. She was chatting about her weakness in sweets when we went on to talk about whether people have treats after weigh in. The people that said they do said they binge. This cant be healthy or any good mentally, bingeing, dieting then bingeing. Im so glad I haven’t got into this. I save up my syns and have a treat at the weekend. Bingeing on a Wednesday night is only going to make it harder for me to then work it off and lose more the rest of the week. One treat night once a week not bingeing and stuffing my face with every naughty thing thats in sight. Were just all food aholics its like alcoholics going to there alcoholics anonymous meeting then drinking a litre of whisky afterwards.  We need to tackle the bingeing. I WILL NOT BINGE!!

23/10/14 Im starting to notice more that Im looking thinner. 1 stone 2 lb in 6 weeks and as I stand infront of the mirror in my pjs they are looking pretty baggy. 6 weeks and Ive stuck to plan completly and syned everything. Im not sure Ive ever been this good., maybe Im finally in the place I need to be. Just pottered around the house this morning decided to dip dye my hair just a bit lighter on the bottom.  Spent ages on it and by the time I washed it off you could hardly tell! Waste of a morning. I made a cauliflower curry and then headed off to work.

That crushing feeling when you open your fave chocolate brownie slimming world bar and a chocolate chip falls out! You get limited chocolate chips and I want every single one! Now where did that chocolate chip go??!

Is it bad to eat the same thing for dinner and supper? Both pretty small portions of homemade chips, beans and a sprinkle of low fat cheese? I eat at 4.15 at work but not a lot as im not always that hungry but its the chance you get to eat. I guess as long as Im not stuffing myself its okay? I’ll risk it for the one night  but wont do it regulary.

Just read a slimming world post saying if you put a piece of apple on your chicken skewers that you have to syn it. Its not like your stewing it? Or your eating more fruit because its shrunk when cooked its just a couple of bloody slices of apple!!

24/10/14 PAY DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I have only gone and got my emergency tax back!! Big fat pay packet which will go straight in to my savings! Its good in a way  because I probably wouldn’t of saved as much as that. Think Im going to book a extra nights stay for Mr Ds birthday make the most of it and Ive seen something bloody good. Arrhhh exciting!!! Who knows how quick babies will come along after were hitched so have to completly make the most of every little holiday. Cant wait to see his face.

Today i put on my skirt that I felt uncomftable in 3 weeks ago. It felt fine, not snug, not big just fine. Im pretty pleased with that. If I lose another 5 pounds I’ll be under the next stone mark and the weight I was when I met Mr D. Once Ive smashed that it wil be the lighteset Ive been in years just 5lb and Im at my next personal target! Im getting to make it under that stone mark and I never want to see it ever again!!!

Theres times I don’t like talking. Friday mornings after Ive not had much sleep is usually one of them. People probably think Im weird sometimes being over chatty other times being quiet. I was happy the mini bus man had a great playlist on and I happily hummed Maroon 5 at the back. This bus man has good taste! Another day with people at work eating lots of cake! Today we had to wear pink for breast cancer and they were selling cakes. My usual class had lots coming in. I wasn’t going near that cakey goodness class or I would just have to slip a little bit of lemony yumminess right in my mouth. Nope not going near that class!

Tonights night out was cancelled it would of been nice to be a part of the send off but I really didn’t want to drink and I was shattered anyway so i was secretly happy. There was only one thing i then had to think about. Chip Shop chips!! Arr Ive thought about it all afternoon, I can not remember the last time I ate my favourite food. Chip shop chips! It says 17 syns for a regular portion and 5 syns for chicken kebab meat. I posted on the slimming world website and it was a good job I did. 17 syns is a handful of chips a cone not a regular portion at all and that I should weigh them out.  I figured if I used 2 days worth of syns it would be well worth it! I already had my onesie on ready so Mr D went out to get the take away. When it arrived I was straight into it trying some meat, a few chips there was no way I wasn’t going to eat my whole big fat portion! The whole smell filled the room. I put the portion on the scales and then ate nearly double the amount. The chicken portion looked pretty good to. I added my weight watcher healthy B pitta bread  and had a big pile of salad, some chilli sauce and a big table spoon of quork to save using any more syns. I ate every last bit and it was amazing!! I counted it as 45 syns which is a lot for one night but worth it. I posted it on my page and got the comment ‘you know you cant save your syns’ Well actually it says on the Slimming World website that you can some consultants just advise against it to not encourage people to binge. I have fancied chips all week and not gave in! Ive not binged after Ive been weighed Ive done it the right way and I saved my bloody syns! So give me a bloody break here!!

25/10/14 I woke feeling guilty about last nights eating. What if she was right what if theres a reason I shouldn’t save up my syns? Thats it Im going to eat lots of veggies for the rest of the week. I really hope this doesn’t effect my weeks weight loss . What if I didn’t syn it enough? Right low syns for the rest of the week! It was a lovely autum morning I put some old school Maroon on ‘Songs about Jane’ one of my top 5 fave albumns and took a brisk walk into town for my hair cut.

My hair cut was good I really like this place. Only went there last time with a groupon voucher and the young girl did a really good job. Cant moan at £24 either. We took a drive to Leicester with Mr D and his mum to pick up a new mobility car for his family and then went home for lunch. I like to cook nice lunches at the weekend. Make more effort. I decided to try a KFC style recipe. Chopped up turkey breast, dunked it in egg then in breadcomes mixed with some spices and baked it in the oven. We had with rice and salad and little tub of beans to dunk. Next time I’ll use chicken, turkey just isn’t the same and do it with chips so it really is like KFC. Not bad for first time.

Popped in to my mums for a cuppa and then my bro, sister in law and neice show up which was nice because not seen any of them properly for a few weeks. Mum tells me in the kitchen we are going to Cherry Tree for Christmas eve. Every year we all go to mums house for Christmas Eve, we play stupid games, eat chocolate trifle, give each other rude presents and dress up ridiculously. About a month ago mum says to me our house is too small now theres another baby. (though we are down 2 adults this year as my step brother is in Canada?!) She said we could go to a pub. I said well why don’t we have it at mine then as weve got more room. She said ‘Thats a good idea, I’ll speak to the others'. Ive heard nothing since. So I asked her what about me offering to have it at mine. She then started shouting at me and saying I always want it my way. I was trying to explain to her that she never told me any of this but she wouldn’t listen. I tried to walk out but my neice wouldn’t give me back the front door key to my house. I stayed and stayed out of mums way for the next half an hour. What I was trying to say is wouldn’t it have been nice to let me know that people didn’t want it at ours instead of ignoring the offer. Is that her or everybodies? Wouldnt it of been polite to tell us of just ignoring it and then I get accused of being selfish and wanting things my way when actually I was trying explain. I may of calmed down a bit and gave her a half hearted hug when leaving but if Im being accused of that then why would I want to go? Me and Mr D don’t want to go to cherry tree. The food thats is good is the roast. Do you want a roast dinner the night before Christmas dinner. No. If thats being selfish then maybe I am.

Got home and had a bath tried to get in the zone of having a lovely night out with the Mr. Thought we’d go out for some nice food first and after using so many of my syns on take away last night I said I was happy for him to pick anywhere where I could have steak. He fancied a nice pint of ale and we wanted somewhere with a good Saturday night atmosphere. Alot of the good places already booked up but we got in the Greyhound one of our fave pubs in Derby. Not ate there for a while but I’d had steak there in the past. Mr D was happy with his nice pint and we had a look through the menu. Everything was with chips. There was a salad with cous,cous. I don’t like cous, cous and Im not coming out on a Friday night to eat just a salad. I fancied the steak and thought I’d ask if I could have it with boiled or jacket potatoe as its normally not a problem. (normally places offer a healthy choice on the menu!) the girl said she’d ask the chef. She came back and said the chef said no it costs more. Mr D said ‘were happy to pay more. I was ordering the most expensive thing on the menu here! She kind of mumbled and said no. We cancelled Mr Ds order nobody tried to offer us any kind of alternative. Rude and useless! Mr D was fuming that they could of just boiled a bloody potatoe!! Well ‘The Greyhound, Derby’you have lost £50 custom tonight and in the future. You can kiss my fat ass as I walk out the door!!

We weren’t sure where to go next. The good pub grub places would be booked up but with going to the cinema I said what about TGI Fridays they will do a good steak surely?! So thats where we went and it had the perfect Saturday night atmosphere. There were plenty of choices on the menu and i decided on chicken breast on peppers and onions that came with cheesy mash and would ask for a swap. Guess what, they couldn’t bloody swap it!!! She said the cheesy mash was part of the layering of it? What the fuck? Can rice not be in the layer instead? Back to the drawing board! I picked steak with rice and salad and a prawn skewer with no dressings. She was helpful and told me the diet coke with unlimited whoop! Finally getting somewhere. We waited a loooong time. (good job we wernt in a rush) when a young waiter came over to us and said ‘Im really sorry guys you’ll have to wait 5 more minutes as I just dropped your order. I will give you free puddings on the house!’  We were happy about that, he was honest. Would of been happier if we’d got free drinks as I couldn’t have pudding and Mr D doesn’t really like pudding but oh well! The order came and they gave Mr D normal chips instead of cheesey bacon chips (I know mmm cheesey bacon chips, if only!!) They quickly arrived with a portion of cheesey bacon chips and said they were on the house! Bonus he got to lots of chips and half of them on the house!! Good times indeed. Popped in rather a filthy Ryans bar for another diet coke and then off to the pics to see ‘Maze Runner’ there wasn’t much on so this was the only thing neither of us minded watching. I had my pudding of chocolate hifi bars and happily watched the film. It was no Divergent and Divergent aint no Hunger Games but it wasn’t bad!!

26/10/14 So the clocks have gone back and should totally be making the most of my extra hour but its wasted on me I cant stay in bed. I left Mr D snoozing put the washing out and put the gammon roast joint in the slow cooker (I thought it was pork, I don’t like gamon!!) I cooked a chicken breast for me instead. Had a chilled out day and my bro, sister in law and neice over for dinner.

Mr D is seriously the best man ever. When I was getting stressed tring to serve up a roast for everyone and there were toddlers, adults and dogs flying in and out of the kitchen and the smoke dectetctaor going over. Mr D gave me a quick hug, put one of my fave albumns on the juke box and put me mushy peas in (even though I said not to worry as I couldn’t be bothered) so I could have them instead of gravy. Its all about the little things.