I fucking give up, im done!

17/11/14 It was good knowing i was on supply this morning and even better knowing it was until 1.15! The morning went quick as we went swimming though unfortunately not much swimming was really done. The kids were all tucking into crisps so the staff were chatting and tucking into sasusage rolls and quiche I had a bag of quavers. I member of staff I don’t see much of and I haven’t seen for a few weeks told me how great I was looking today. She said you could really tell I’d lost weight and was asking me alsorts of questions. It was really nice as i could tell she was genuine so many people don’t seem to be so it was really nice. Breath of fresh air that someones nice about the diet and intrested! Why do people start being weird with you when you start doing well?! Why cant people just be bloody pleased for you. People are just rude bastards!

 I took the pooch for a walk and I walked past a woman wearing leggings as trousers . They were see through so I could see her leopard print giant pants underneath them (like the pair off Roadtrip) They are made from cheap fabric so when they stretch they are evn more see through! They are also unflattering unless your a size 10! The golden rule ladies only where leggings if your top covers your arse! Leggings are not trousers!! At least check your ass in the mirror first to check the world cant see your grotty undies!!

Its bloody cold outside so I got into bed to get warm and had a nosey on the internet. On the slimming world page and fatties are posting their pics of tiny portions of dinner theve made. Seriously who are you kidding? Lets take a photo then add a huge pile of mashed potatoes?! More like it. Ive really got my ranting head on today.

18/11/14 This morning I had a appointment with my well being officer. That guy that every now and then texts me about a circuit class but doesn’t seem the slight bit interested in how Im doing other than that. I imagine its a job you can easily skive in ‘Im just going off to see how that client is doing’ Yeah right! Well he did text me about my 6 month review. Obviously its a stat he needs in his computer. Its hard talking to this guy as hes obviously a gym junkie and goes for 10 mile runs just for shits and giggles hes prob never had a doughnut binge in his life. The last time I went was before India so I know Im 10 pounds lighter since then. Hes happy with my progress Im probably good stats for him as Im nearly 2 stone lighter than when he first weighed me. Theres a new fancy machine that measures your weight, body fat and heart rate. Ive never had any probs with my heart rate prob because Im quite fit for a fat bird. I was feeling good about my extra good weekend and was disappointed when I was still well into the obese catergory and had high levels of fat. Seeing that in black and white on the screen in front of you does not do much for your self esteem. He was impressed with my progress and my plan for the next 6 months.My next appointment is January. Fucking obese sod off!

Well fuck you ‘high fat levels’ because today I fitted in my new coat! I bought it new at a carboot in the summer and it was a little snug and I'd forgot about it. My current coat also from Asda is a size smaller than that one and is getting too big. Its bad enough the complete difference in sizes across different shops but to have one coat too big and then one coat the size bigger that just fits from the same shop that just stupid??!! Well I don’t care what size is it! Becasue sizes mean fuck all. I fit in that bad boy when a few weeks a go and didn’t oosshhhh.

Big bowl of very green looking full of cabbage stew for my lunch just to add to my extra good week and then off to work. Tonight I didn’t even get my night before weigh in grazing. I have completed my extra good week. Not a carrot cake or choccolate crispie cake has passed my lips.

19/11/14 Woke up not feeling right. Felt bloated and completly stodged up. Toileting is  not as swift as usual. I’ll ask my mum for some pills. I popped on the work scales and it looked like I’d put on!! My extra fucking good week. No booze, no take aways and only used 80 of my syns and Ive put on??! What the fuck? The best week Ive had in 10 weeks I fucking give up, Im done!! Went to my mum’s feeling horrible and she gave me some pills. I went home but started feeling worse. I got my stew and little crispy potatoes ready for fat club and off I went. I started feeling really sick on the way and had to dash to the toilet when I arrived. As my head went towards the loo there was a skid mark on the side of the toilet seat and what looked like a raison on the edge that only made me feel worse.Dirty fuckers! Only a little bit came out. I went to get weighed with my bottle of water to find I’d stayed the same. I was gutted!! So much for my extra good week. First week I haven’t lost and half a pound off my next half a stone but no!! I sat on the end all I could think about was how ill I felt. I drank 4 bottles of water and had 2 more trips to the loo. I hoped I would just feel better so I could go off to work. I didn’t speak to any of my friends and it sounded like they’d done really well this week.  She spoke to everyone and finally got to me last. She knew I’d be disappointed and a few people said when you try extra hard thats when it doesn’t happen. I made a mad dash to the car I had to try really hard to hold everything in. I felt like I was going to burst, I really wanted to go to work but I knew the second I sat in the car I really needed to get home. I felt bad calling in sick especially as it was 15 minutes before i was due to start. I ran up the stairs and made it just in time. I was not a well girl and I spent the rest of the day running to the loo every half an hour. I managed a bath between my loo stops and Mr D got his x box time so it could have been worse but I feel fucking horrible!

20/11/14 Woke up feeling awful my stomach ached and I just felt empty. Off Mr D went to work and the pooch snuggled up with me for a morning of retching and homes under the hammer.  There is nothing good about being sick. I really don’t understand how people can make themselves sick. Ive tried and it just doesn’t happen it just makes my throat hurt and my eyes water. There may be one good thing about being ill. That Im going to lose weight! Not eating for a few days isn’t exactly going to do a big bulk like mine any harm. But after yesterdays weigh in fail knowing my luck I’ll spend 5 days hardly eating and put on fucking weight!!

When I wasn’t snoozing or puking  I spent sometime on the Slimming world facebook site. So many women post utter shit in the day time! Couldnt face looking at any food articles but to be fair alot of it was nothing to do with food. They were threads of them arguing about stupid things ‘I think youve lost enough weight’ ‘clearly thats a tweak so you should be syning that’ ‘you need to tone up’ Its a bitching market!! Then theres the countless pictures of women posing in ugly dresses. Which dress should I wear tonight? Do you really need to ask the thousands of people on the Slimming World site? Im on here to get tips for the diet. Have you got no friends you can ask? Anyone that lives you. Then theres all the comments saying ‘they all look fab’ Actually love its nothing to do with your size there all just fucking minging! Maybe Im being a bit harsh on the few people that may not have friends to ask but to the rest of you get a life!!

It was a shit I diay I felt shit and stayed in bed.

21/11/14 Today I woke up feeling a bit better. All I fancied eating was flapjack and bread. Not much good for the diet but didn’t feel I could stomach anything else! As soon as it settled in my stomach I felt sick again and then exhausted and slept for on and off for the rest of the day.

I fucking hate being ill. Everybodies at work and your stuck at home in bed watching loose women. I don’t like loose women. I watched plenty of Beeny followed by Hunger Games. I felt starving but was worried about it all coming up. By the time it got up late I couldn’t help it and filled my face full of pasta to make up for me having to prospone our night away tonight. Im a miserable ill pasta face bastard. I later regretted the pasta. Ugh. Good job Mr D is understaning.

I tried to cheer myself up with Christmas lists. Ive gone crazy again this year the spare room is covered in pressies. All the women are done just a few bits to the men and then done! Now I know me and Mr D have bought the caravan instead of buying each other main presents but I have seen something perfect. Something I really want to buy but its not cheap. I’ll hold off until the end of the month when Ive finished the rest of the shopping and paid for my busy month of nights out and partying eek I love December!!!

Dear Santa, please make me thin for Christmas and make it so I don’t give up and spend the whole of December eating Yule log and boxes of celebrations I’ve bought people for Christmas. Using any excuse for a glass of wine ‘go on then its Christmas’ and find myself every weekend buying extravagant cheese boards which obviously as well as a glass or two of port have to have sausage rolls and pork pies to go with them. Also can I please have a acti fry to keep me on track.

22/11/14 Dry toast for breakfast which I’ve managed to keep down, car packed and off we go for Mr Ds suprise weekend away. Ive put the postcode in the satnav hes guessed a few places Manchester, Leeds. Ive tried to make him think were going to Leeds I just smiled a little bit and didn’t deny it. I like to throw him off the sent. At lunchtime we stopped off for a wee at the welcome break. I walked past the big stand of krusty crèmes, walked past the Harry ramesdon chippy, past the subway and past the KFC. I’d not even took my purse in with me just incase. If I can make it through the weekend armed with my low fat goodies and not think ‘fuck it im on holiday’ and eat everything naughty Im not normally allowed. Then Ive achieved something big this weekend. The fact that I still don’t feel 100% is either going to help or as soon as Im feeling better start eating everything in sight. I’ll guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

I am going to make sure Mr D has a fabulous weekend whether I feel crap or not! We arrived in Hull and I managed to convince him I’d book us in a nice hotel there. Even though he wasn’t showing it I knew he’d be disappointed of us just strolling round Hull City Centre. I was feeling quite worn out but luckily I got chance to have a doze on the car journey. I managed to convince Mr D right until the last minute that we were going to a hotel on the docks. As we drove where the sat nav took us we were outside a premier inn. We started to get stressed as we could only find Queen Annes dock. I ended up shouting ‘Were going on a ferry!!!’ It was then a very stressful 5 minutes as he thought we had 10 minutes to get to the ferry. Im not that unorgainsed we had a hour and 10 minutes. We followed my directions and got to the right dock and parked up. Mr D had chilled out and we went to reception. We were in the wrong terminal! We zoomed over to the the right terminal and Mr D found out we were going to Bruges. He seemed happy and we got in the queue to finally go on the ferry. As we queued up the lady was asking if people had alcohol in there cases. For fucks sake of course mine had booze in it!! A couple were getting their suitcase checked infront of us. I needed to decide if to risk it or not. Mr D gave me the look so the lady said we could take it out and put it in the car. Mr D went off with our booze back to the car. As I watched everybody else walk by they were too busy to check anymore bags! Bollocks I could have got away with it!! Finally on the boat and time to get on with our weekend away!! Much happier we got to settle in our small room with a nice view of the sea. I had to pay extra for that bugger!! We relaxed for a bit as my stomach was starting to feel really dodgy. I lay down and drank lots of water. We showered and headed to explore the boat. We had no plug socket so couldn’t use the straightners or phone chargers (though I realised I’d forgot mine anyway!) We realised we’d come on cowboy weekend and all the people travelling over from Brussels had on their leather waistcoats, hats and tassles. They took over the whole dance floor like a strange cult all doing the same movements. They all looked like miserable fuckers not one person was smiling or looking like they were enjoying themselves. It was hard to tell if some were men or women all in their checked shirts and cowboy boots. I was amused by them for a while but it got a little boring after the 6^th song so we went off for dinner. I actually felt really hungry but still only really fancied dry and simple things and opted for some roast turkey, veggies and boiled rice. Mr D had curry and popadoms which made my stomach churn a little. I cant wait to be back to normal again. On the plus side I was sticking to my diet at a buffet!!I skipped past all the guey stodgy looking puddings and had a few grapes, apple and cheese.  Unfortunately I wasn’t up to the boozy night I’d really hoped for! Mr D being a complete star was really cool and we decided to go to the on board cinema! It wasn’t quite what we imagined it was a little worn out and everything was on the same level so if someone is infront of you you cant see anything! All the lights weren’t off and the film didn’t even fill the screen but we watched the whole thing anyway. There were too drunks on our row that had dozed off and kept slight snoring. We watched Lucy which started off okay but got slowly shitter ending pretty bollocks. Oh well tomorrow we will be waking up in Bruges!!

23/11/14 Sunday morning waking up very toasty in my little single bed! Its a good job my arse wasn’t any fatter or it would not be squeezing in the little ferry bed! Not exactly the most romantic of settings but just having a look at the sea out of the window was pretty impressive. I actually felt well this morning. This was the best I’d woke up feeling in 5 days! I was feeling pretty chuffed and we headed for breakfast where I enjoyed some bacon, beans and scrambled egg whilst Mr D tucked in a full English. We watched as the sun came up and felt excited arriving in Bruges. We got off the ferry and had a 20 minutes bus journey into Bruges. We then took a nice walk through the park and through the cobbled streets to get to the centre. After all the bad weather we had it was actually a lovely winter morning. We started pottering around the centre as things started to open up and i was desperate for a loo so we stopped off in a little restaurant and had a delicious hot chocolate! There was no fancy marshmellows or cream just a gorgeous simple Belgium hot chocolate. As we enjoyed it we heard a English guy in his Hull City top say to the waiter ‘ Oi mate I asked for lager’ he replied ‘That is lager Sir’ he said ‘No I want Stella you got any stella?’ We made a exit and started looking round the stalls. The foods smelt sooo good and I quickly decided I was going to give myself the day off my diet! With me not eating that much and generally not making bad choices anyway i would enjoy my day in Bruges! Starting with a big fat bratwurst hotdog with onions and mustard. It wasn’t great but wasn’t bad I’d rather have a proper sausage and don’t ever give me no frankfurter crap. and not a fancy one with herbs I just like a good fatty cheapo sausage! Still feeling on form we decided to treat ourselves to some chocolates! Realising they were all expensive we went for a little pick a mix with truffles and other little chocolate lumps of goodness. There wasn’t even that many and it was over £8! Bloody hell they better taste good! Ooo and they did! So what else is there to do in Bruges apart from eat?? Drink of course!! So we headed for our first beverage!! There was a whole list of fruit beers just as I hoped and I picked a peach one. Hoping to then sample the blackcurrent, raspberry and maybe even the honey. So many choices. Mr D was very happy with all his choices. We realised the first bar we’d picked was a Irish bar! Of all bars in Bruges we picked one with Irish flags hanging from the ceiling and Ronan Keating on repeat. Oh well the beer was good. Until I stood up. The second I got up and started walking my stomach started groaning and the stomach cramps kicked in. I tried not to show Mr D what pain I was in as I really didn’t want to ruin his weekend. At the next place I drank lots of water as he enjoyed another beer. I was gutted so much to choose from and I was on the water. I spent some time in the loo and slowly I started feeling a little better. I really tried not to get pissed off that i was ill, i really want a drink and to indulge on all the goodness! We didn’t bother taking a horse and cart or climbing a million stairs to the top of a church we were just happy to walk around buy some beers to take home. (If I wasn’t drinking any I was defiantly taking some home!!) We were happy spending the day together strolling around and taking in the place. Mr D wanted something to eat and with a empty stomach again I was feeling quite hungry but felt worried about eating as it always seems to come back to bite me in the ass! There were so many places to eat but we decided to go off the square a bit as it can be quite pricey we just picked a random one to go in that said chicken above the door. It turned out to be a small local restaurant with 2 members of staff and chicken and chips or steak and chips on the menu. To be honst when we first arrive in Bruges i was hoping to eat something local like rabbit stew but with my stomach all over the place a bit of chicken and chips would do just fine! It was a long wait! Just one man at the bar pouring the beers and one man cooking the chicken but it was nice and I did feel better after eating even if I had to spend £2.50 extra on some side salad! At 4pm we started walking back to the bus even with out all the booze i some how tripped on the cobbles and twisted my ankle. I got some strange looks off locals as I sat swearing to myself. Mr D had to help me hobble the next 20 minutes walk back to the bus though to be honest i think he was just happy i didn’t smash his new beer glass I was carrying. At least if i was drunk I would have a reason to fall over my own feet. Nope just those fucking cobbles!! I was releaved to get back on the bus and was pretty exhausted. I started feeling sick so was happy to go the ferry and went to sleep for a few hours. We then watched some mucians. The guitarist was great but I was put off by the lady who was wearing shiny tracksuit bottoms with high sequined sandles. Me and Mr D like to do our own games between us like How many bands you can name going through the alphabet. Normally its a drinking game we play but I was still on the water. We listened to the man playing piano and we were singing along to ‘Walking the air’ It felt quite christmasy and the piano man said I had lovely singing ha ha (I was sitting right next to him I wasn’t yelling it at the top of my voice across the boat!) It may not have been a big bender weekend and I am disapointed I couldnt really go for it but we still had a really nice time (when i wasnt pukin) We hit the sack and ate some nice bread we’d bought from the delhi and snoozed off as the boat rocked.

Woke up at 4am being sick will have to go to the doctors when i return. Why cant I shake this??