Week 10 my first gain

24/11/14 Woke up at 4am being sick but managed to get straight back to sleep. Its been nearly a week im really fed up of being ill. Im really glad it didn’t ruin the holiday and we still had a really good time.Fuck u bug!! I couldnt face breakfast but we had a quick walk around and watched as Hull came back in to view. I had one last squirt of the free perfume and we waited to get off. Unfortunately there was a technical problem so we had to wait about half an hour. Things didn’t get any better when we did get off we had a car parking fine on the car. I’d bought the ticket but £7 had been the only option and was the price customer services had told me it would cost before we arrived so I was pretty pissed off. We seemed to end up going the scentic route to pick the dog up on the way home which took forever but we finally made it home. Thought I better make a trip to the doctors with me not being able to shift it! He said there was a lot of bugs going round and I couldn’t go to work until 24 hours after I was feeling better. I let work know but was pretty worried as everybody in my team knew I was going away. I knew my boss would understand.

It was Mr Ds birthday today so he still had presents to open at home. It doesn’t matter how much we spend on birthday weekend away you still have to have something to open! He opened his hat, jumper, chocolates, cushion and new clock. He had some other goodies from my family. We chilled out for a bit and I was actually feeling the best I’d felt all week. We went over to Mr Ds parents in the evening. Mrs D had cooked chicken and roasted veggies with little crispy potatoes. All slimming world friendly! She is good to me I always feel bad that she puts the effort in just for me. It was really good. Trying to pull things back I didn’t have any pudding! If Ive got any chance of making up of a week of not eating any veggies and grazing on flapjack Ive really got to have a good few days. Mr D was happy and said the weekend was the best pressie he’d ever had. How the bloody hell am I going to top that next year?!

25/11/14 Ive woke up this morning feeling better than I have all week. Not 100% i still have a small uneasy feeling in my stomach but okay. My plan is to eat normal food back on the Slimming World Plan today. I have no idea what weigh in will be like tomorrow Ive ate all the things I shouldn’t but then I haven’t kept a lot of them down? After being so good last week and it not showing on the scales Im hoping this week it will have evened out and Ive lost! Very wishful thinking I really have no idea. I still feel quite worn out and a little achey but I don’t feel sick. I will have to stick with doctors orders and not go back to work until Wednesday. I feel bad about still not being back at work people probably think Im recovering from the ‘booze cruise’ Couldnt be more off the mark. Im gutted I couldn’t completly go for it for Mr Ds birthday weekend!!

I still felt pretty exhausted the illness has completly taken it out of me! I spent the morning in bed watching crappy Tv and dozing and watching the first Hunger Games ready to watch the new one out! Gutted I’d not been able to see it yet. It will have to wait until the weekend!! I made a homemade veggie soup in the slow cooker which tasted pretty shit but was full of goodness that I needed to get inside of me. I made Mr D a belated homemade flapjack birthday cake. Made with chocolate peaut butter and nuts made a heart shape on top. I may not be good at making cakes but I can make a damn good flapjack! Mr D isn’t really fond of cakes anyway.The smell of warm gooey flapjack was very tempting but the most I had was a lick of the spoon. No naughtys for me. I went back to bed and fell asleep watching Love Actually. This is the start of the Christmas films now Mr Ds birthday is over. You have to build up slowly with films with Christmas in them. Like Love Actually then build up to the best most christmasy films. Ending with Elf of course. I decided 4pm would be a good time for a bubble bath after relaxing for a while i thought I better get out before i got wrinkly. My brother popped to check on how I was feeling. It was good to see him. I finally showed him the caravan which he was impressed with. Not spent as much time as usual with them lately so we decided to do something very soon. I do miss working with my bro and his wife. Its good to work with people that will always be honest with you and you know you can trust 100% and are doing everything for the right reasons. My family are very good people im very lucky.

26/11/14 Up and ready and driving to work in the pitch black and rain. I’d been thinking about weighing myself for days. I had no idea how it would be with so much not eating but then also eating things i shouldn’t. I was gutted to see I think I was in for about a 3lb gain. Gutted. That gutted I ate toast for breakfast. I really had to rain it in not to think ‘fuck it and keep munching’ My stomach felt dodgy this morning just not quite right. I felt dodgy and unhappy and had to get ready to go to fat club and face my first gain. I could have done what I would have done previously and just not gone but that didn’t cross my mind and off I went.  I was still hoping in my heart it might be wrong and wouldn’t gain so close to my next half a stone award yet so far. Week 10 and I got my first gain. So gutted to see that next stone up that I never want to see again but there it was infront of me. 2lb gain! Its a rubbish feeling when youve been doing well. 8 weeks of losses and then 2 weeks of shit and being a fatty all I felt like doing was eat ing crap! I’d already started planning my crap i was going to eat and instead of my normally really healthy lunch I take with me to fat club it was not so good today! Nice big salad with beef and cheese, bag of pom bears and a big fat white buttered tiger cob. The ladies next to me were eyeing up my bread so i had to admit it was a naughty. There was no way to hide it or get out of it! Ultimate sin eating naughtys straight after weigh in infront of everyone! I should hang my head in shame. To top it off I then had some of Mr Ds home made chocolate nutty flapjack cake. It was a good job I was going to work as I think it would have turned into a big fat dirty pizza blow out. Not that Mr D would have let me!! I had a jacket potatoe with cheese for dinner at work there was no beans so that was my excuse followed by a biscuit. The kids had cheese and ham toasties for supper so I had half of one which then lead me to eating cheese on toast and a snickers when I got home. Ive done it, Ive snapped Ive binged and ate shit! 2moro will be a new day and a new start!! I really hope I can overcome this and bang out a really good week!!

27/11/14 I put on my nice christmasy feeling red dress today i was happy it was a bit big in the middle and thought it looked nice with a little black belt. I snoozed in and I thought I would nip out to get some diet cokes and a few goodies. There was a lovely present on the patio outside a hedgehog with his guts pouring out and his head a metre away. Fabulous.  I got my stash of diet coke and goodies and dropped some fresh bread at my nans and really fancied treating myself to a nice lunch. I wanted chicken!! I went to sainsburys and bought a whole roasted chicken and my favourite bag of salad. Whoo I know how to live!! I roasted a pepper and onion at home and made some veggie rice. I started picking at the chicken straight away it was yummy! But thought it was a bit on the skinny side then realised it was upside down! Once turned over there was loads of meat! I had a big pile of chicken, salad, rosted veggies and some rice. Stuffed and full of goodness.

Off to work it was dull and dark. I caught my reflection in the window and I look huge. My belly looks massive round and fat underneath the belt. I look like fucking Santa. Ive deleted everyone off my facebook from work. Work is just work they are just colleges and Im keeping my life private.

I cant stand fucking busy bodies that spend too much time fannying about everyone else.

FUCK OFF!!

Had a binge! A 15 syn binge so it was okay!  1 bag of crisps and 3 high fi bars! All gone in 5 minutes!! I was feeling pissed off and really wanted to be at home. Im not sure if I’ll ever get used to working lates. I miss my home especially when Im not happy and all I want to do is be at home with Mr D. Right now I would happily waffle down a whole big fat tub of ice cream! Ice cream make things seem okay for 10 minutes until I hit the bottom of the tub!

As I ate 2 hi fi bars this morning for my healthy B that means Ive eaten 5 of them today thats nearly a full fucking box. You greedy bastard mother fucker!! I guess the old me wouldn’t have stopped at 15 syns. I need to be proud of myself. I wont give in to emotional eating!!

I look fucking pregnant!! Fucking miserable.

28/11/14 I slept so badly. I put on a hypnosis video on you tube which helped in the end but it was very late. I woke up every hour at 4.30am I really struggled to get back to sleep I put the hypnosis track on again but I ended up listening to the whole 20 minutes of it. I am not going to be a happy bunny in the morning.

I tried to stay focussed that its Friday, Christmas is coming and i have a lot of good things going for me including a fun weekend ahead! But I was struggling as i was so exhausted. Mr Ds phones not working so its not even like I can speak to him to make me feel better.

I got a phone call this morning from my therapist. I had to cancel last week because i was ill and I cant do next Thursday as my shifts change. She rang to tell me I won’t be able to see her again as shes retiring. She tried to fit me in and wanted me to tell work I had a ‘medical appointment’ but there was just no way of doing it. I felt pretty sad about this but it was good to have a little pep talk from her especially when I was feeling low. We both agreed that it was probably not worth my while seeing anyone else. I really didn’t want to start opening up my life and go over old ground again. Its a shame i didn’t get chance to go over all the crap but shes made me feel good and look at things in another way.  She told me I can do it and I can do well and that was that. The end.

I battled through my day tired. I had a chat to my boss and spoke to about possible work with some of the older students I  felt much better were having a supervision next week. The Headteacher came to find me told me how well I’m doing and asked me about the fact I’m interested in going to university. Its really good to know the bosses are wanting to support me with my future. 

People can try and pull me down but it will only make me more determined to do better!!  I powered through the day feeling much better and drank plenty of diet coke to get me through I then headed home for a nap!

I am rubbish at being patient with everything packed and ready to go I waited for Mr D to finish work. When he did he seemed to take ages in he shower. It was pitch black and raining hard not the greatest time to be going to a yurt! He still didn’t know where we were going but off we went on the way. We missed the turn a couple of times it was just too hard to see anything and was greeted by quite a serious grumpy woman that didn’t understand a whole conversation when we were talking about wood but once we got in it was lovely. Lit up with fairy lights and the wood fire in the middle going, rustic furniture and a lovely floral double futon bed. It was perfect. The rain outside only added to the effect of how cosey we were inside. Mr D loved it . He got to poke the fire and cook on his little gas stove. We ate the syn free bolagnaise he’d prepared the night before with a big pile of spaghetti whilst watching a DVD on the laptop. He had a whisky and I had a spritzer. I only had the one it wasn’t really a night for big drinking and to be honest I wasn’t bothered I wish I’d bought a hot chocolate! Everything we did tonight we would have done if we were at home but it was just nice. The simple things in life are just fabulous after a glass of milk from the dairy farm we were on and a curly wurly we fell asleep listening to the rain. It was much better than the tipi I’d took him too last year. Though it was fun and different it was very smokey having a fire pit next to your bed and freezing when it had gone out the covers were soaked with moaning dew (not the rude kind!) but there was none of that here it kept warm and cosey. Stay in a yurt its great! (even in winter)

29/11/14 Woke up still snug in our Yurt and made a cracking breakfast of scrambled eggs, bacon and beans. Mr D kept himself happy by making his toast on the fire. Hes such an outdoors man. Unfortunately we had to share the bathroom with the other yurt. I really needed the loo (and not the type you can take in a washing up bowl) but the other yurt were washing a million plates in the shower! When they saw me pop my head up. They said ‘do you need the loo, we can come out just stepover the pots’ Great! now I have to use the loo whilst theyre standing outside! It maybe a nice fancy loo with heated floor  but I’d rather have a crappy shity one and have it all too myself than have to share! After my under pressure loo break I thought I’d wait a while until they were out of my way for a shower! An hour later we were showered, packed and ready for home I had to get back to do some work.

I took G shopping this morning. We had to go to town and shop for things she really didn’t like to shop for. We smashed it for a few hours and had time for a diet coke stop as well. I really like working with her and its really good genuinely helping families. I went back and had a good natter and helped  her mum then headed home. We had a relaxing afternoon watching  Home Alone as I started making Christmas cards. I do like making cards there so more personal and better quality and you can put really nice touches on them. It also makes me feel very christmasy!

 Went out at 5pm to see my neice and sister in law. My bro and Mr D were spending a few hours jamming then they were going to come over. I got to spend some quality time just me and my crazy little red head neice whilst her mum nipped out to do some shopping. We pretty much spent the whole hour playing with my socks! Yep of all the things she wanted to play with were my sweaty socks! She had them on her feet, on her hands on the dogs feet! Shes so funny. Everyone came back and it was time to order a takeaway! As usual I’d thought alot about what take away to order and had fancied Chinese all week. I’d been dreaming about chicken balls dipped in curry sauce which are too many syns anyway so I was happy to order a Indian. They didn’t have a regular so we had to a new one. Risky when ordering a takeaway I don’t want to waste my precious syns on something that is not good!! I needed to order something good. The boys were ordering big fat nan bread kebabs with large portions of cheesey chips! For me not to be tempted mine had to be good. I order boiled rice chicken dhansak (6.5 syns) and a portion of lamb and onions (3 to be safe for the oil) I asked for it extra spicy. A whole feast arrived for the 4 of us. I had a big fat portion of my order. Mr Ds kebab was HUUGGEE and looked amazing full of chicken, steak, chunks of lamb. There was also free pop and free popadoms and pickles. Mr D only ate half. Hes got a big appetitie especially when it comes to takeaway so it must have been big! Oh my gosh it was so good!! It was sooo tasty!! I didn’t feel I needed any naughtys when the food tasted so good. I ate until I was full, we all did. I pinched about 2 chips which is pretty good in the scheme of things. Its so good to know youve stayed in your syns and feel proper satisfied! We all sat that stuffed and watch the Nativity! These nights with my fave people are my favourite nights. Good company, good food thats all you really need! Love my family J We left happy with a bag of leftovers!!

30/11/14 Woke up feeling christmasy. Mr D wanted to put the Christmas tree up but I had to refuse. The Christmas tree cant go up until December!! Its been lovely driving past all the lit up Christmas trees going up and looking so pretty but I have to stick to my December rule! I got making some more cards and we watched some Sons of Anarchy. I was excited about opening up the bag of leftovers for lunch! There was Mr Ds half a massive kebab still full of meat, chips, rice, nan bread and a big tandoori chicken leg. I knw you not supposed to re cook things especially not take away but its never done me any harm! I put the fresh nan and the rest of Mr Ds meat in the oven for a quick blast. I fried up the spare rice with left over stirfry veg in the fridge. Obviously the nan bread wasn’t for me. Mr D got his kebab with some rice and salad and I had the rice, salad and tandoori chicken. My brother would have binned it all! I don’t bin anything! Yummy lunch!!

After the usual Sunday afternoon shop. Mr D follows the list of staple things we need like eggs! And I hunt out the bargains. I got a good healthy hawl today. Some organic chicken legs, fresh salmon and lots of stir fries and salad. My whole basket was over flowing with green goodness and all 10p each of course! I went home and decided to cook a chicken lasagne. Not cooked lasagne many times and never cooked a chicken one. I fried peppers, onions and chicken and added butter beans, spinach and lots of passata. I then made a white sauce out of fat free cottage cheese and 2 eggs whipped up. I layered it all up and added 4 portions of low fat cheese to the top. We had it for dinner with veggies and Mr D fried up the chips from last night (we really don’t waste anything! I had a big portion again but how bad can it be when it was so full of goodness?? Am i eating too much food? I didn’t have too much time to worry as I needed to get ready.

I look in the mirror and I don’t see a difference. Im still wearing my same dresses in fat bastard size! I popped on one of my fave dresses from the start of the year and Im sure it still fits me the same. Maybe the lace sleeves are a little looser. Suck me in vest is on to try and suck in that chunky back. I bloody hate my chunky back. You think your looking all nice from the front everything sucked in nicely then you catch a view of your back. Fat oozing over the top of your belt. Maybe I should wrap myself tight underneath with clingfilm that would be better than this bloody vest.

I dyed my blonde dipped dyed end purple and got my black nail varnish on. Think Ive been watching too much Sons of Anachary all I need now is hot pants! Im not sure my ass and wobberly thighs would be looking great in hot pants. We went off to Rock City to see Passenger.  We were near the back but Im not 16 Im not going to arrive hours early to get squashed at the front. I had the most annoying girl in the world to my right. She had the loudest clap! Like fully going for it right down my ear. Big full arm claping making her bingo wings wobble near my face. If she wasn’t clapping she was singing loudly and badly. Mr D was by other ear. He doesn’t mind Passenger but doesn’t know his album that well. Mr D has a loud singing voice so everytime he knew a line he would belt it out down my other ear for example ‘I hate those fussy eaters, you give them fajitas. They only eat pizza and chips’ He sang that line very loud! Then there was the hair flicker infront of me. Flicking her hair every 5 seconds. Putting in a bobble, taking the bobble out. The floor was crazy sticky when I guy pushed past me my feet stayed put and i just leaned so far left I nealy headbutted Mr D. Other than that it was a really good night. He has a fantastic voice well worth the price I had to pay for sold out tickets!

We walked past a kebab shop and a chip shop to get back to the car both smelt so good but we behaved and did not go on. 5 minutes later I found out I’d lost the carparking ticket good job I wasn’t walking past the food then my will power was not quite as good! We finally got sorted and didn’t ha