Becoming obsessed with the scales

08/12/14 Woke up still snotty and couldn’t go in to supply because i was still waiting to find out when the man was comin to fix the shower. The fridge was pretty bare as we hadn’t done our Sunday bargain shop (the freezer is always full) but decided to use my last 2 eggs to attept slimming world pancakes. Ive not tried doing them before but thought I’d give them a blast. They looked fab! Had them with sweetner, lemon juice and chopped up strawberries. They still tasted a little eggy, maybe I did them too thick? But these would make a great pudding with some chocolate shot!! Deffo will be trying these again!! The shower man said he was coming in the afternoon.

I’m not sure whys theres people in this world that go out of their way to try and bring you down.  Try and go through things with a fine tooth comb to catch you out.  I’m not a bad person. I swear too much and get pissed off at things too much but I always make sure my good deeds out weigh the bad. I try and do my best and make people happy. I work hard and will always do the best for any young people I work with.  I try and make people laugh even at my own expense. I can sleep at night knowing this. Maybe some people need to have a think about themselves.

After enjoying going back to class last week i thought I’d get out of my nice warm cosey bed and have another bash!! I arrived just in time to the same bunch of regulars. I had to stand nearer the middle today as my usual place had been taken . i don’t like changing my spot I like to be the edge with my own space and at the back so i can hide. Detective man still seemed to end up next to me even when I’d moved! I caught my reflection in the door infront of me and realised what a mess I look. Im normally quite particular about the clothes I wear and the style I go for but not when i go to the gym.  I was wearing a baggy white stripped t shirt with a bike on it 3 sizes bigger than i am. I hate the thought of people being able to see any bits wobberling so i go super baggy to try and hide it but then I just look huge. I think its time to ditch the baggy asda t shirts and at least wear something more my size.  Saying it was a big room and there was plenty of room to spread out I seemed to be sandwhiched quite close to Detective and Bouncy blonde next to me. I didn’t recognise her as a regular. She was like a bouncing bunny full on going for it but constently getting it all wrong. Now i do get it wrong regulary but this woman was going the wrong way every single time!! Everytime we went left I had her shimminging and grapevining straight into me!! Nob head.

I went to my Nan and Grandads for some lunch and it was a bonus my Aunty was visiting from Liverpool. Grandad had done his one meal and had minced some roast beef in his hand mincer. Bless him and added stock and veggies. Im not going to lie it wasn’t good. It wasn’t awful but it was really lacking flavour and seasoning. Obviously I told them it tasted great, cant upset the grandparents! Had a catch up then went to pop in the Post office on the way home to pick up my Christmas party dress!! I’d got it handmade for £12 with postage!! Excited!! I parked up and popped in. I then realised I’d parked in the carpark at the back of the railway at £7 a day! I’d only been 10 minutes! I was that excited about my dress I didn’t care! But I pressed the button and spoke to the man and he said the barrier would just open. Phew nearly wasted £7!! I got home and tried it on! It was nice, I definitely felt thinner!! Green polka dot, greens christmasy right? It was too big!! Which is fab that the bigger size is now too big but not so great when I need to wear it this week!! A few stitchs in the back and it should be fine!! Feeling good!!

I spent the afternoon wrapping some pressies and waiting for the shower man who didn’t arrive!!

09/12/14 I’m only weeks away of completing my year of Bloging and how much my Blog has changed. Starting off just with a short version of a few things that effected me losing weight that effected me day to day to a full blown Diary for the world to see. Do I carry on and see where I get as my wedding gets closer or do I stop at the end of December? Is it about time I stopped letting people know my inner thoughts, my ups, my downs, my highs, my lows? I get a lot of reads but do people still enjoy it or am I get boring ha ha. I will have to decide soon!! Your thoughts would be very helpful so please feel free to leave messages and comments!

Decided to go to the gym again the thought of geting weighed on the fancy machine was luring me on just as much as the class! The scales at this stage are looking good. Deffo a lost but really fed up of being the top end of this stone!! I want to get down! It was the step dance class again but I didn’t seem to mind it as much today. It was the usual Nicky Minaj booty shaker infront of me. To be honest that was the only thing in the class she seem to do! Shake her booty! She spent half her time standing at the back on her phone like she was going for a drink of water but spent 5 minutes texting instead. She did everything apart from the twerking half heartidly. Didnt put any effort in and did as little movement as possible. Apart from sticky her big butt out of course! I was wondering why she bothered coming at all but maybe she just liked the opportunity to shake her ass in public. Who knows?! As I worked hard up and down off the step i thought how I really didn’t want to put all the weight back on at christmas. Im so desperate to get away from this stone mark and get closer to the next stone. My heart breaks every time I get near to that big fat horrible number again. I don’t want to work hard the next few weeks to only have to see it all over again after Christmas. I really need to stay focussed!!

Still no shower so having to wash in the bath its such a pain in the ass!! I ate my big chicken salad with a bit of rice and went off to work. My mornings just go so quick sometimes! The first thing i did at work was sneek in for a cheeky weigh in. Im becoming obessed. Its just too easy there are scales bloody everywhere apart from my own bloody home!! Good job.  Im still hovering just under the stone above mark.I just want a good loss a big fat one to take me down a bit! I need it now. I was good tonight ate my usual jacket potoate with beans but was organised today and bought my reduced fat cheese with me and some grapes to make it a bit more flavoursome.  Pudding looked quite nice, a fruity flapjack but I was good and didn’t eat any even though there was loads leftover so was very tempting! But I did not give in!!  We eat dinner around 4pm so its really hard not to snack later on. I finish at 10pm and literally zoom to get in my car i just cant wait to get home. I can get home in 10 minutes but tonight I hit traffic!! 10 past 10 on a Wednesday night and theres fucking traffic!! Fuming! 20 minutes before I got home. I was so annoyed and then was in a bad mood by the time I got home. A bag of space raiders and my advent chocolate later I was finally feeling a bit more chilled. Shattered I was straight to sleep.

10/12/14 Woke up feeling thinner! I had to finally give in and take my engagement ring off my engament finger as it was just slidding around too much and I was scared I would lose it. For now it is on my middle finger which it fits better but still a little big. Weird how your weight literary comes off all parts of the body! Stood in my undies infront of the mirror and i can definitely see signs of less tyres/layers/chunks/love handles. Still plenty but definatley a little more compact. Off i went to work bright and early though it wasn’t bright it was still bloody dark and it felt like I’d literally just walked in from work. I was tired and Wednesday morning are hectic. At least that means they go quick! I had another cheeky weigh in and it looked like a loss but wasn’t sure how much. I had my yogurt and one slice of toast with light phili. Im just finding it too hard not to have any toast at all. I just want to fill my face full of warm jam on toast! Back home I was putting my lunch together for after weigh in. I’d made Mr D pesto new potatoes so thought I’d have a few of these with salad (so naughty but not too naughty) and take my Christmas sandwhich I’d bought for 23p! Mmm turkey and cranberry!  So off I went to fat club feeling quite confident and secretly hoping for 2.5 off to get my 10%. I was gutted that I’d only lost half a pound! Sausgae roll avoidance and no Tuesday night grazing and a went to the loo this morning for half a bloody pound!! My friend reached her 7 stone tonight! She took off her jeans,socks and even her glasses to get it! These girls make me laugh as its the first time I think Ive really met people who go through the same dilemmas as me and think the same when it comes to food! Genuinly really like them and i really hate making new friends. Love the group! After having a good natter and a plan of lots of superfree soup this week I left feeling positive! Got in the car and did exactly what a fatty would do! Sneakily on my own sat and eat my raspberry cream cake. Good job that secret eaters programme isn’t following me. What a proper fat bastard thing to do! Sneeking cream cakes and quickly stuffing it down my face in the car!

We we having a Fryer Tucks feast at work but everything on the menu was pretty good. We had salad, cheese and grapes on sticks, chicken drumstick, a venison sausage and potatoe wedges. Everything was done in the oven so not overly naughty but i did start my Wednesday afternoon grazing! I was cooking so I ate more than my fair share of potatoe wedges! I wasn’t bad enough to eat my tea when we got back apart from a stray sausage that seemed to find its way in my mouth and a chocolate muffin that tasted nothing like chocolate!! If Im going to have a treat i should not waste it on a muffin that tastes like cardboard!! Bad move! That was about 5pm and I didn’t eat anything else until I got home and ate 2 mini pork pie with pickle that were in the fridge! They were delicious. My Wednesday afternoons grazing is really starting to add up! Not as bad as a huge take away and boozey sess but who am I kidding? Pork pies, sausage and cream cakes??!! Really need to knock this on the head!! Its just so nice to have half a day off!! Argghh so hard sometimes!!

11/12/14 I was tempted to stay in bed but I felt I had quite a few bits and bobs to do this morning so got out my nice warm cosy pit and had a ho t shower for the first time in a week! It was so good! I then decided to get my superfree soup in the slow cooker! As usual I never stuck to the recipe. I put in it onions, leek, green beans , cabbage, kidney beans a tin of tomatoes and a few stock cubes. I tried to add a tin of baked beans as listed but I couldn’t open the bastard tin!! I tried for some time but Mr Ds new fancy can opener just would not open the bloody can!! I managed to break it so had to head off to the shops and buy a new one. I made the mistake of going to home bargains and half an hour later came out with 4 bags and spent £32. Love Home Bargains! I went home with all my stocking filling goodies and opened my baked beans and butter beans and added my microwaved half swede to the soup. My slow cooker was full to the top and looked watery and rank! I added a bit of smash to thicken it up. A tweak I know but it was just adding a bit of smash to the water which is exactly the same as making the bastard smash and having it with my soup so no I did not syn it!! I ate a big bowl for lunch and it tasted pretty damn shity!! I was worried I wouldn’t be full enough so added some a bit of potatoe out the fridge which made it a bit more edable. Lets hope it will get better with age! Off I went to work.

My will power isn’t feeling as strong today as the kids were tucking into their Mcdonalds snack as they do every Thursday afternoon I wanted some.  Luckily these aren’t the kind of kids that share.

Why is my skirt feeling tight?! The only things Ive eaten today are that bloody awful soup and jacket potatoe with baked beans! Its not like Ive been feasting! Fell bloody horrible how can I have lost a stone and a half and my clothes are still tight? Depressing!! The next half a stone is really important to me as I’ll be smashing through a barrier I haven’t been through for a long time. I’m currently at the weight I was when I met Mr D but I wasn’t there for long. I’d got there after 3 weeks crashing and no carbs. I never kept it off.  I need to do this and I need to do it now.

Having not had any syns or used my healthy A I made myself a nice milky options hot chocoloate and dipped my curly wurly in it! Lovely when its cold and rainy outside. I might be stuck at work all night but the heating on and Im cosy. Cant wait to get to bed tonight, even if its not my own!

12/12/14 I didn’t sleep too bad. Not great but not awful which is pretty good for staying at work. Mr D texted me to say he hadn’t slept well either because I wasn’t there. Is it sad that we don’t sleep well when were apart?I had my 2 pooched eggs and beans to start the day whilst listening to the Sons of Anarchy sound track (Yes I’m a little obessed, got to stay focussed on whats coming at the end of the night!) I was quite looking forward to work this morning as we were going to the Christmas carol concert at the church. In previous jobs weve never done anything like this, theres no way you would of got our ‘too cool for school’ kids singing carols in a church! They’d be trying to steal the Vickers collar or strapping each to the cross! I really enjoyed it, the kids loved it in their Christmas jumpers shouting the songs at the top of their voices! Proud parents had come to see them and it was a nice christmasy atmosphere all round. I cant even remember the last time I sang a Christmas carol, I love Christmas carols!! At lunch time I managed to finally get my travel expenses sorted and went off to my afternoon class. They were going to Mcdonalds! After eating my gross soup followed by sugar free jelly for lunch I wasn’t feeling very forfilled!! Off we went and I sat with the kids and staff all tucking in to their Mcdonalds meals. How many times a week do I have to go through this torture? Less than a metre away from me from all sides people digging in to burgers and chips. The new festive one looked amazing with cheese sauce. Im nearly drooling just writing about it! Size 8 lady infront kept saying to me, I cant eat all these chips please have some’ Think she was just feeling sorry for me because I was sitting there with a small diet coke. I mean seriously who cant manage a burger with a medium chips. I can eat that x2 maybe even 3! I gave in, I became weak! The salty goodness took over and I ate some of those yummy salty fries. I counted. I had 15. I did good to stop there. I estimated that to be half a bag of small chips so only 4 syns. If its only 8 syns for a small fries  maybe in future I should just bloody have one!

Already the day was over and I headed home for a few hours wrapping pressies. Tonight I decided to launch a competition for my page and my Blog readers because its Christmas and I want to say thankyou for peoples support! I made up a nice hamper full of all goodies for the slimming world diet mug shots, smash, hot chocolate, curly wurlys, pombars etc and a naughty one for a Christmas treat. Jack daniels, wine, nuts, chrisp, chocolates! Im hoping I might get a few more fresh readers out of it too!

Tonight we had fish and chips! Not from the chip shop covered in batter just homemade. Some nice fish I’d bought from tesco for 40p on Monday oven baked with lemon juice and fresh tyme. With homemade chips and mushy peas and even treated myself to a slice of wholemeal bread. I was hoping my allowance would stretch to 2 but nope only one. We then sat with the dogs (we had my brothers dog too) and watched hours of Sons of Anarchy. I had my box of Dime Mikado I so love them but I was nice and gave Mr D 4 so 13 syns. I work on flexi syns most of the time so I can enjoy them more at the weekend. I have my little notebook and I write everything down!

It was my old works Christmas do tonight. I’d organised it and booked it the last 2 years. Whatever job Ive been too Ive always organised the Christmas do.I love Christmas and parties so its always been the perfect role for me and have been nicknamed ‘the Christmas fairy’ this year never mind not organising one im not even going to it. I was sad about it for a while but felt okay when the Slimming World girls reminded me that I’d organised there’s instead! Indeed I have! My buddies were so far off the wagon tonight they were eating the wagon wheels! (So my friend said!) They were all feasting on everything in sight! Pretzels, cakes, biscuits, cheesey chips and kebab from the take away!! It all sounded and looked so good!! I went off to the kitchen and for supper had my cheese allowance with grapes, apple and a slice of ham. The ham was smoked so i couldn’t eat it but I was strong there was no naughtys passing my lips!!

13/12/14 Woke up hungry and got out of my warm pit to go to my friends for breakfast! She made me a slimming world breakfast of pepper omelette and baked beans. Good bit of energy for some shopping. We went to the new big B and M looking for baskets for hampers but came out with bags of other things including a small Christmas tree! My friend spotted them originally £25. B and M price £10 and now there was 2 left at £1.99 each boom! One each. I got home to utter chaos!! My front room was upside down, the sofa cushions and throws all over the floor. Ripped up cushions and fluff everywhere. I very guilty looking pooch cowering in his bed whilst the big dopey one just stared at me!! I was fuming. Kicked them both out into the garden whilst I cleared up the mess. It put me in a right bad mood. I decided to take my new small Christmas tree to pieces to make a piece for the fireplace. Ive been looking at them and there so expensive! So I cut off all the branchs they were wired so I could twist them all together I then add the snow covered cones and different fake berries off the tree and positioned it with all the other cones. Not bad at all. The christmasyness didn’t put me out of my bad mood so i was pissed off and grumpy when my brother popped round and told me how great his work Christmas do was this year. How all my old friends were on form and had a amazing time. Brill! Mr D came home and ha a big fat tuna salad with crusty bread why I was still on the bloody speed soup!! Ugh What a load of ball bags!!

Checked my balance and how well I was doing at this time of year. I had thought I was doing okay but I have gone crazy with presents!! I really have to stop now!! The parking fine only came out of my account today!! That £50 would have made all the bloody difference! Why couldn’t they have took it out straight away?! I have saved £100 this month, I may have to use it!! Bugger! Three nights out and a hair cut before pay day yet!!

I went off for my hair cut. It didn’t need to be done desperately and I was putting my hair extentions is so it was a bit pointless but needed my fringe cutting so might as well get it all done!! I was still feeling a bit grumpy and really tired but was pleased with my hair. I headed home for a nap!! Problem was I couldn’t sleep! Decided to have a nice relaxing bubble bath instead and then it was time to get ready.I did my hair with the new extentions which didn’t seem wide enough for my head!! After spending alot of time back combing the top over the extentions I thought I better sort out my outfit. I put on my new suck me in tights but they were only just long enough so I had to really pull them up and they were so tight on my thighs they were cutting off my circulation!! Oh welI thats what you have to put up with! I put on my green polka dot dress I’d bought but I just wasn’t happy with it. I wasn’t happy with the halter bra. It just didn’t feel right. I didn’t feel quite right. Even though it was green which is pretty festive the halter neck and white polka dots just made it feel too summery!! I opted for the original dress I was going to wear. My charity shop black polka dot 40s style number. Knee length but with a bit of cheeky cleavage! Remember ladies don’t look a slut this Christmas. Follow the rules boobs or legs not both!! Not like Fleur on x factor who looks like a hooker. Not that Ive watched much of it this year. After my outfit was sorted I need some colour in my hair and tried many hair pieces. I decided to go for a red little hat fascinator with black net and a bit of hollie on it. Mr D wasn’t sure so I went safe and went for a flower. The taxi was hear so I knocked back my vodka and had no more time to faff with outfit hair or make up!! I would have to do!!

I realised in the taxi that Mr D was already half cut after he was proper babbling away. He’d had nearly half a bottle of whisky! We arrived to look at people names on a list from different groups. Derbys a small place so thought I’d probably see someone I know! I saw a name on the list from one of the two faced gym ladies. Ugh! Always has to be someone I don’t like!! Luckily that was the wrong list and we were in a different room! We had many drinks! I drank as much of the free wine as poss and we had 3 course. I ate all three I was starving! It was too bad. Pate on wholemeal for starter, roast dinner. Not anything too big! Some weird chocolate cherry cake for pudding that I picked around thecherries it wasn’t great! But the booze had kicked in so I was quite happy! We drank more. One of the guys girlfriend started singing to 5ive so knew she must be about my age! She was! They were a nice bunch we had a bit of a boogie but the small dance floor was rammed full of all the different groups. A mixed bag. The usual tiny dresses coming out at Christmas. One woman had a top on at that was it! It deffo was not a dress!! It just covered her arse and was not flattering. She was plastered and left nothing for the imagination!! I spotted a guy I recognised I’m sure it was the boy i went out with all the way through Primary School but you cant really go up and say ‘Hey not seen you since we were 11! What u been up to?’ lol I didn’t bother so off we went in to town! A few taxis full of drunken! We had a tacky cheapo chavy boogie at Walkabout!! Dont mind a bit of tac from time to time. We went a few places and I saw a few people from work! Only a handleful still standing! They were as drunk as me! Me and Mr D headed home stoping at the kebab shop on the way home at gave the man his last bit of money and said give me what kebab you can! Being my usual organised self i had made some slimming chips for when i got home!! Fabulous! Drunk and ate chips and zonked straight to sleep next to a drunken Mr D! Not a bad night!!

14/12/14 Woke up feeling a little rough but not too bad! I decided to leave Mr D in bed step over the shoes on the stairs, empty plates, empty booze bottles and emptied bags of make up and went for a nose at the carboot before I decided to clean up! Theres so many new and nearly new things at carboots i cant believe people who say they cant afford things when you can buy things so cheap!! Bought my friends little girl a new elf outfit for £1 and a fancy dress Christmas tree dress for one of my fat club buddies! I also bought a beautiful vintage basket to fill full of goodies Im making my Bessie for Christmas! Bargains make me happy!! I went home for the tidy up and now starving to make some brekkie!! Back on plan for bacon, baked beans and scrambled eggs! Time for Sons of Anachory and had a bowl of that bloody awful soup for lunch I hope last night shouldn’t have ruined all the hard work Ive put in eating speed bloody soup!!

We popped off to Asda to get some bargains.  My headache was kicking in but with 2 buffets this week i needed some bargains! It was crazy busy maybe everybody needs a bargain this time of year! As they brought the bargains out 2 grown men full on pushed me and squashed me into the trolly. I was not in the mood for this shit and thoughts of bargains went out the window. I turned round and shouted in the pricks faces! No one paid any attention they were like animals grabbing! I like a bargain but Im not a fucking animal and Im not scrapping with anyone for a 10p packet of leeks!

Fucking nob heads! I headed home had a little afternoon nap then off to see the Hobbit!! I can tell my will power is slipping I don’t normally touch Mr Ds popcorn but I had a fair amount! I know its not really bad but it all mounts up!! Film was fab. Loved it had a little cry at the end. No more left L

Ive decided i don’t want to do supply on Mondays for now. Maybe next year.

I’m struggling now. There are temptations all around me contently. Chocolates, buffets, Christmas trips to Mcdonalds. I can feel my will power getting less and less. I don’t know how long i can stay on track!!