I'm no off the wagon I'm just walking along the edge

15/12/14 Woke up feeling christmasy and quickly decided to sod off the gym to fo christmasy things! Started my day with scrambled eggs, beans and bacon in bed!!

I went to see my mum not seen her as much as usual the last few weeks. We popped in to Home bargains. I needed some toiletries and I needed one more baskets for a Christmas hamper. I then spotted some glass drinks dispensers. We had a good nosey at one and they were what I’d been looking for for the wedding!!! Ive only seen them over  twenty quid each and these were £5.99 each!! Bought all 4. Very chuffed!! We went to take my Nan and Grandad some fresh bread and cinnamon pancakes this week I like taking them goodies. I should do a service to old people giving them 10p crusty bread and cakes. Picked up a few parcels dropped my mum headed home.

I was happy about being home for a chilled out afternoon of Christmas movies and wrapping!! And guess what? Another bowl of speed fucking soup! I loved my afternoon. Lots of shit Christmas channel 5 films and a hell of a lot of wrapping. Why do i buy so many presents??!! Cooked a really good dinner of chicken with roasted peppers, onion, garlic, chilli in passata with spinach and butter beans with rice. Mmmm I love cooking a good slimming world friendly dinner. Mr D had the same just with some crusty garlic bread.  Mm galic bread would have soaked up the juices nicely but nope! Good girl here!

Had to pop to the supermarket for buffet bargains beens as I didn’t get much yesterday! Why are some Supermarket Staff so fucking Rude? Nobody wants to be the reduce lady as a career but don’t look down your nose at me because I want to buy some things for 10p! Your not superior to me because your stacking shelves and I want a few bargains. Yes you may get some crazy people that push and want all the bargains. But its just me, you and the price gun right now so get off your high horse and get back to your checkout!!

16/12/14 Nope not going to the gym again! Pah too much christmasy things to do! Even the scales cant tempt me into going! Christmas, Christmas, Christmas tra, la, la ,la!! I got things ready for todays buffet. Carrot sticks and low fat humous for me. Nice bread, spring rolls and cous cous for the others. Big  basket of different yummy breads and pate ready for fat club tomorrow. Made some oat and fruit cookies with oats, raspberries, natural yogurt, sweetner and vanillaresent. Yep they tasted like shit I’ll take them to work. I give up on making Slimming World puddings!

Eating my speed soup actually made me feel sick today. Thank fuck I don’t have to eat anymore Ive done it for 6 days!! I’ll be gutted if I don’t loose this week!! Off i went to work for buffet and secret Santa. Thought I could handle a bit of buffet being the day before weigh in I knew I had to be good and i was.. at first. It was hard, there was homemade warm sausage rolls so I had to have one of these, I had a small bit of cheese on some fresh bread and then had some grapes, strawberries low fat humous and celery and carrot sticks. I then had another plate the same. Unfortuanley then I started grazing and once I started I couldnt stop. A onion bhagee, a small smaosa, some pretzels, a few curly fries and a small slice of lemon cake. I messed up the day before weigh in L Ive spent the whole week on shity speed soup to go and ruin it over a bloody tesco samosa!! Not even a good samaosa! I wish i could say that was it but then there was a big bowl of dry roasted peanuts in the staff room which I had a handful of every time I went in. When it started to get later I finally said to myself no more!! And the last 2 times i went in I resisited. I feel disappointed with myself but I guess on full form it wouldn’t just be one onion bhagee I’d be having 5!!

Sometimes all you want to be is ‘normal’ be able to have one sausage roll, one onion bhagee and a handfulof nuts at a buffet and it be okay. To get home and join your boyfriend in eating crumpits and brie for supper in bed. Instead sitting there miserable, belly rumbling wondering if that extra handful of nuts is going to give you a gain in the morning. Feeling hungry and miserable.I refused to speak to him whilst he was eating crumpits! I got home at 10 past 10 he could of had his supper before I got back. Ugh I love crumpits.

17/12/14 This morning I cant stop smiling! And its certainly not because Im getting weighed! Today i got a email to confirm theve picked me to be their model! Yep fat bastard got picked out of a list of red heads to be the face of their new business!! That is not bad for a fat 30 year old!! I’m genuinely excited! My face and hair for a wedding shoot! My friend put my name forward when they were asking for a red head over 20 and it went from there. I looked at some of the other people that wanted to do it and some of them had proper portfolios!! Well in your face proper model portfolios they picked me!! Oosshh now thats a confidence boost!!

Pre weigh in weigh in looked like I’d stayed the same! Damn all that bloody soup for nothing! I wont be in a rush to do that again!! Off to fat club for our Christmas party armed with my secret Santa pressie, Christmas tree dress and big basket of bread with cheese, pate and humous. Oo and my shit biscuits that no one ate at my work fuddle I’ll try them for the ‘good ones’ at fat Club. I’d put some effort in my secret Santa pressie and made a little hamper full of sliming world goodies! Ive seen on the internet that most groups are having parties and having a buffet but nearly all of them are having good ‘Slimming Wold’ buffet. Not ours! Our leader told us to bring what we wanted! And everyone did the buffet looked great couldn’t wait to pop a sausage roll or 5 in my mouth! No thought of any kind of being good. You could also bring family along today so I bought my mum and neice. Before I could fill my face I needed to face the scales!! Stayed the same!Arghhh slightly annoying but at this time of year with buffets and parties coming out my ears a mantain is not bad!! I would love to mantain for the rest of the holidays because a loss is going to be near impossible!! It was a lovely little party my little group were straight up for some buffet eating cheese, pate and sausage  rolls followed by profita rolls and chocolate tart. Mmmmm yummy!!! There were prizes for the raffle. I won a very useful hand blender! (I chose this over a bottle of wine!) and for secret Santa I got a pen?! My mum settled in lovely and my necie was spolit. My mum culdn’t resisit a few treats even though she gets weighed later on that day!! Brilliant time!! What a fabulous group! Roll on the night out!! I still went home with some of my homemade biscuits! I only made 12 in total!!

We had a movie night at work complete with hot chocolate and cream as well as a big pile of mash and too skinny sausages for tea. Not forgetting the numerous snickers celebrations that passed through my lips!

By the time I got home at 10.15 i was hungry again/greedy and Mr D had made me a crumpet with brie for a treat! Bless him, but why only the one?!!! Followed by yet more sausage rolls and bread grazing. I am a disgrace. I am one greedy mother fucker today.Its got to stop!!

18/12/14 It was so dark this morning and I was so cosy i didn’t want to get out of bed but I had to go to my mums early to take my stepdads birthday pressie. Told her to get the breakfast on. I got there and she said she’d had her breakfast already but she’d still make me some. I told her to leave it didn’t want her to have to make it just for me! I went home to make a lasagne for tomorrow. Im super organised sometimes. Im out for after work drinks tomorrow but I’ll be home for dinner tomorrow and don’t want Mr D to have to try and do it after work. Also don’t want to have take away when I need to be super good!! So I only used a small amount of 5% less fat mincemeat and had to use whatever I had in! I fried off some onions , peppers and plenty of fresh chillis. I found a soup mix pack in the freezer for spicy butternut squash soup so i chucked that in with a bag of spinach and half a tin of butterbeans.  Chucked in some passata and it was done. I made the white sauce with 0% fat yogurt , 2 eggs and cottage cheese and whisked it up. I layered it all up with lasagne sheets in a big dish. The dish was full of goodness and just sprinkled low fat cheese on the top. Some big fat potatoe wedges went in also and dinner was ready to finish off tomorrow night!!

I am on fire!!

I wrapped some more pressies up as I knew my brother was round later and might snoop so needed to make sure his were all wrapped. Whilst watching Homes under the Hammer of course! Really trying hard to get back on it I made fish with lemon juice and herbs with veggies for lunch and the same for packed lunch tomorrow. Being organised is the key to me being thin!!

Gone into work and there was boxes of chocolates everywhere given to us by the students!! Arghhh!! I will not eat chocolates!!  Off to class ending with Mcdonalds!! I was that close to ordering I had my hand in my purse!! At last minute i changed my mind!! I’m really struggling not to give in and do what everybody else is doing!! Filling their faces!!

We had a little girls Christmas night at work. Just me and a few students. We had healthy chips and salad for tea and watched Jingle All the Way and Elf whislt painting our nails and having a hot chocolate! I saved a few of my chips as usual for supper. Double chipping it has got to be better than half a tub of celebrations that are calling me from the office!

19/12/14 I slept so bad last night! Even with the hypnosis. The heating was on it was too hot but i couldn’t be bothered to get out of bed. Mad rush to get the Christmas tree down and close everything down for the holidays before going into school. Im hoping the fact thats its the last day will power me through. A couple of eggs and beans and it was my turn to go in the pool at work. Damn I will have bad hair for the rest of the day!! I had my fish and vegetables for lunch and then went off to my afternoon class. We were staying in this afternoon and eating the rest of the buffet. My will power was out of the window. I didn’t even try and resist the second they filled the table with goodies i was straight in! I spent the afternoon munching cheese savouries and shortbread and it was bloody great!! It was nice just not to care for a bit. After wishing everybody a merry Christmas I zoomed home to get ready!

Went into town for our annual drinks with a few old friends. One has moved away so we like to have a little get together when we can. It was great to see them.  We had a chat about this time last year I told them I wanted to write a book about my journey trying to lose weight this is when K said ‘why don’t you write a Blog?’ and that is where it began! Here I am still going strong. They were laughing about how much time I spend pissed off and i suppose I do. I’m just a emotional person when I’m happy I’m really happy when I’m sad I’m really sad theres no half measures with me. It was K that put my name forward for the modelling. We laughed that she should be my agent! If ever any of my latest ventures become anything of anything. I become a famous writer or model I will give K a cut ha ha.

After a few hours of drinking I headed home to the Mr for our usual Friday night. Thanks to my well organised self we had lasagne, wedges, salad and coleslaw for tea. All home made. We spent the evening watching the end of Series 3 Sons of Anaachary and it was so good I almost wet myself! When I told Mr D what I’d been munching at work he said I had fallen off the wagon. I told him if I was off the wagon we’d be eating a big fat take away right now and not homemade grub! I’m not off the wagon I’m just walking along the edge.

20/12/14 Me and Mr D woke up and had a snuggle and a chat. I told him about a text I received yesterday from a brilliant man from my old job. He told me Christmas dinner wasn’t the same without me. I explained to Mr D when I stated my previous job in October by December I’d organised the Christmas do for the school and organised a Christmas day including a full Christmas dinner for 50. They tried to put me off and said it couldn’t be done and just do a buffet. A child had told me they normally have a pot noodle for Christmas dinner. I wanted to give some children a ‘normal’ Christmas which so often they didn’t have.  It was a big success and we did it the following year this time even got a student cooking that always refused to go in the kitchen! But there we were turkeys on and we were dancing around the kitchen to Christmas songs. Half way through telling him I started getting upset. I miss making a difference,I miss being needed, I miss how so quick I settled in and could make big changes. I miss my old buddies. Theres a hole that I just cant fill right now. Whatever happens in the next year by next Christmas I want to be happy and making a difference.

My Blog helps me when I’m upset, when I’m angry. I write it down.Maybe it is time I stop telling the world and get a bloody diary.

I stayed in bed listening to Christmas song. I like all Christmas songs, I just don’t get bored of them. I like all the Band Aids. I like the new one even if its got Sam Smith in it singing ‘Its Christmas Dime’ whats a Christmas dime? I want one! I sent Mr D off to make breakfast and listened to the Elf soundtrack.

Mr D thought he’d done really well and gave me breakfast in bed scrambled eggs, beans a sice of wholemeal and some quorn sausages. The qourn sausages were rock hard Ive know idea how long theve been in the freezer for! I didn’t eveb know I had them. I couldn’t get my fork in one or cut one. Mr D thought I was exgerating  until I had a go. I was happy with my scrambled eggs and beans! Even the dog struggled to eat them. He gave up after a couple. Mr D got showered and went shopping with bro! So I pottered around cleaning the house and made a trip to Aldi. It was a bit crazy in there . I loaded my basket with lots of fruit, a bit of a booze and baking goods and got out.

I tried to make the christmasy fruit snack I’d seen on the internet. The santa hats made of banana, strawberry and a mini marshmellow they looked okay but didn’t know how long the banana would last? I couldn’t get white marshmellows so the snowmen weren’t very good and the santa strawberries with a cream beard in the middle looked great! For approxmently 2 minutes before the cream melted! I gave up on trying to mae healthy goodies and did hot dogs, chicken wings and potatoe wedges. I didn’t eat too much I just grazed a bit. I didn’t even drink that much either to be honest. I always love the Christmas quiz night. Even if my brothers 10 question round took nearly an hour, another round nobody had any idea of any answers at all (luckily it was multiple choice) and the picture round had 2 questions short so we had to guess too badly drawn doodles! It was good. I gave lots of pressies out! So exciting, I love giving presents!! Everbody left with their families and left me, Mr D, my bro and his Mrs to celebrate my brothers birthday! We cracked out so more beverages gave him his pressies of a boozey munchies hamper and his Maroon 5 tickets whoo!! (we go every year! One of the only things me and my bro like to do together) He then got out the thing he wanted to do most on his birthday night. Cluedo! Yep u know ur old when u lead up to a big game of Cluedo! My brother tried to cheat by showing the wrong room because he knew I was going to win and a drunk Mr D said he didn’t have a card that he did have so Mrs B called the wrong room! Drunken games, curly wurlys and love with my fave people!  Good night!

21/12/14 Got up and had a little trip to the carbooty. I just cant help myself my love of bargains take over me!! I ignored the christmasy party mess and went out into the cold. Not much there to be honest i guess people would rather stay in the warm. On the way back I was feeling pretty hungry and contemplated going to the shop for bacon but I fancied the full works and could not be arsed to cook it so I texted Mr D the one message I knew would get him out of bed. ‘Get out of bed Im treating us to breakfast!’ To be honest I’d been wanting a excuse for ages to try out the new Harvester breakfast I’d heard people at working talking about! Determined to stay on the wagon and have a healthy one. I started with a bowl of fruit and natural yogurt with a dollop of some raspberry yumminess which Im guessing is fooling me looking like fruit and is actually full of sugar! You can then order whatever you wanted off the menu. Mr D ordered a bit of everything. I went for beans, mushrooms, poached egg, scrambled egg and 3 rashers of bacon. What I actually wanted to say was 6 rashers of bacon, every type of egg and double everything else! But I didn’t want to be that ‘fat greedy bird’  The guy did say people have ordered 3 times that amount. Damn it! could have had a extra bacon! I was good trimmed off all the fat and had one slice of wholemeal and a fruit tea. The big temptation was the big fat square crumpits. Mmm crumpits smothered in butter. I could of easily ordered some more but Mr D was full and didn’t want to order extra alone. Maybe me and the slimming girs need to come together and order 10 slices of bacon each!! Off home to do the clean up! It wasn’t too bad we smashed it together pretty quick and had a afternoon of Sons of Anarchy.

We pretty much didn’t move for the rest of the day. We had ourleftover lasagne with crispy skinned pots and veggies and wanted to pick a movie. Mr D was not impressed i would only watch Christmas films! He picked Scrooged because he’d never seen it before, he loved it! Me and my bro loved it as kids but I deffo don’t remember a scene about a woman having her nipples hanging out or about the karma sutra moves!!