India part 2- 'Don't you have goose for christmas dinner?'

24/06/14 Off to our next destination Jaipur. We visited Fatipura Sikri which meant walking in the red hot sun up a hill. I had really bad stomach cramps and struggled to make it to the top! Sometimes when your hot and theres so many things to annoy its hard to take in the beauty of some of the places we were visiting. Luckily I was okay after a wee Ive never needed a loo so much. Most of the toilets when weve been out and about have been pretty bad! But theres only been one hole in the floor so that a bonus. One of the worse loos was at the Taj Mahal. The trick is just wait until you really need it and then your that desperate you don’t notice! After walking round looking at nice buildings and finding out about another important man with many wives we hit the bus for the big trek. I don’t mind having to travel as it gives me the holiday relaxing time you need. Its not like you can sunbathe here so this is the time to get some book reading in. Im on my third book already. Mostly it gives you chance to watch the world and there is so much to take in you cant pull yourself away from watching! The driver joked you only need 3 things on the roads in India - good brakes, good horn and good luck! Traffic lights are ignored. Lanes are ignored. Roundabouts mean you can go anyway you choose! Men are sleeping everywhere on their stalls, bikes, in the middle of a busy roundabout. When on a duel carriage way there was a truck parked on the side and a man was happily sleeping on the road with his head on the curb! Its normal here to have a family of 5 riding on a scooter. Buses and tuk-tuks (little car/taxi on 3 wheels) can squeeze in as many people as physically possible including hanging off the back and sitting on the roof. Driving with a smashed windscreen is fine including public transport. Nothing is too big to carry on the back of your bike/scooter. Anything can be carried on your head. Anything can be in the middle of the road. As well as the sleeping men theres stray dogs, the holy cows, a family of pigs have just crossed the road infront of me on a zebra crossing. A zebra crossing wont help you here my little friends! Is it bad I find myself feeling really sorry for the stray dogs and donkeys even more than the people?

We stopped for lunch but none of us were hungry. At breakfast I was thinking how I could smuggle out some of the lovely pastries as they always look so nice but I never fancy a doughnut at breakfast time. Its not like being at a normal hotel in most countries where i happily fill my bag full of goodies for the road but here theres so many waiters hovering around its just not possible. Like the head waiter was reading my mind he bought me a bag to put pastries in so we’d all had elevenses on the bus with slighty sweaty pastries. We didn’t fancy the restaurant but there was a little shop that sold hobnobs and Pringles! Perfect just what I fancied. Get in!! The shop looked a little bit shifty and there were a little bit bashed up but we were happy for something plain. Our friends weren’t as lucky they’d opened the box and the wrapper was slightly open, the box didn’t look in very good condtion either. They gave them away to the boy selling squares of toilet roll as you enter the loo. We drove away seeing him and his family devouring them!

We arrived to quite a different city much cleaner and less poor people. Our hotel was modern but didn’t have the same appeal as the last one. The host spoke so quick but very quiet none of us had any idea what he said! We needed a cash machine  and went for a walk over the road where there was a shopping mall with a pizza hut, Mcdonalds, a cinema and even a tattoo parlour. It was full of westernisd young people, very modern. A very different atmosphere. We only had time for a quick rest before we were picked up to go for dinner with a local Rajastani family. Mr D thought it would just be a family business so we were surprised and apprehensive as we pulled up at somebodies house! We sat there quite nervously at first as we tried to make chit chat. It was a nice house and we quickly learnt that all the men in their family had gone to boarding school so we knew they were well off. Their son was a show off and told us how good he was at gymnastics and polo. He would come out with things like ‘Don’t you go hunting?’ ‘Dont you have goose for Christmas dinner?’ What are we in a Charles Dickens novel? He took us to see photos of his grandfather in his polo outfit and didn’t seem pleased when I steered off the subject to ask about the lizard on the wall that I found fascinating. I’m not used to just seeing lizards on the wall okay?! The dad was much nicer than him and their chef gave us a cookery lesson on Indian food. Trying simple food they’d just made infront of us. It was funny as the dad kept taking over what the chef was doing and it was intresting as they taught us what spices went best with the different types of curry. Though after a bit I was just bloody starving and wanted some grub. When he passed out the vegetable pakoras we were about ready to pass out. Mr D kept sneekly grabbing an extra one. After sampling for a while we sat down for dinner. Their waiting staff bought food out. They only bought one bowl of everything out so we all put a small bit on our plate with only a tablespoon of rice before we realise the staff will just keep filling it up! They told us how the people that lived in the South of India were the only place that had rice so they would have curry and rice where as the Indians in the North would just have roties and curry. They also only have rice with certain curries and roties with the other. Strange to think when at home everybody shovels rice, curry and nan bread and not to mention the none Indian onion bhaji (meaning onion onion, as bhaji is indian for onion already) which doesn’t exsisit here! As we politely didn’t eat too much food their cocky son told us exaggerated stories with really long pauses that I can only assume was for effect as all their English was very good. He was telling us a very long story about once he cooked a chicken underground and said things like ‘Oh you came here on a commercial plane, Ive never been on one of those but I did fly a plane for the government once’ his dad corrected him and said ‘youve only ever flown a remote control airoplane’ His dad was amusing and would put him in his place. He told us intresting stories of how his Grandad took the Kings Ashes to the river gangues but on the way he died so they gave him a village. They still own that village, who bloody owns a village?? Took us a while to find a way of politely asking to leave but our driver was already ready and waiting for us! We nipped into our hotel bar for a chat about the evening over a cocktail. We laughed about the son but we all had a really good time, learnt new things and had some yummy food. An experience alot of people wouldn’t be able to have. After the bar staff annoyly kept asking us questions about football and other ‘English’ things and taking a group photo of us all (on his phone) we were told the bar was closing. It was bloody 10.30 were supposed to be on holiday!!

25/08/14- We got up for our tour a little earlier than usual which is a much cooler start. We stopped off to look at a nice building but I was much more interested in the snake charmers I saw. I thought they were fake at first the way the snake swayed out of the basket but they were bloody real! Amazing! We headed for our elephant ride up to the Amber Fort. I’d previously been really excited about this until Mr D had told me he’d looked it up and would be too hot to do in August. Well at 9.30am it was fine whoop! It was amazing the beautiful dressed up elephants all plodding up the hill in a line. The views were amazing as we were going up hill and could see out over everywhere. The hawkers didn’t stop though. Hanging around the elephant shit at the hope of flogging you something. Mr D was getting really pissed off with one guy that followed us the whole 20 minute journey and just not giving up. As it happens he was selling nice carved elephants out of wood by the time we got to the top we’d got a really good deal! I do like a good bargain even in India! If you act uninterested and let them get the price right down you can get some bargains I really wanted the hand sewn elephant blanket for my neice but the guide told me we were going to a market later and there would be lots. It was a beautiful place and we had plenty of touristy photos of us and the views. I had a glance back and realised how disgusting I looked. Mr D was looking gorgeous with his new rugged bearded look and i just looked like a sweaty fat blob. I tried to listen to the tour guide but my mind kept drifting to how disgusting I looked and instantly regretted the sneaky square of marble cake I had after my eggs on toast for breakfast.

We did some more sight seeing and then we pulled up at a fabric shop which was obviously again one of their mates. We were then told about how fantastic the prints were on the fabric, this is how they do it and now we’ll take you in the shop to buy things! Mr D bought a sheet but he picked one to match the colours of the bedroom bless him. They then tried to sell him a nice suit becasue of cause he needs a suit in bloody 45 degreese! and me a sari. No thanks! Dont get me wrong if I had a reason to wear one I'd be all up for that I'd love to go to a wedding out here. I'm not sure we could get away with that unless they just think were celbrities and invite us in?! Apparently they do invite about 500 of their closest friends? 5 bloody hundred?! Nah. I just smiled politely and scuttled out the door without buying anything. I think Ive been pretty polite this holiday considering the amount of people trying to piss me off! The tour guide then wanted to take us to a jewlers. No we don’t want to see how the locals put a jewl in to a chain then spend the next hour trying to flog it to us! We managed to polielty refuse which he didn’t seem to chuffed about but he then took us to the Observatory that Mr D was really looking forward to! The heat had really kicked up a gear and I was struggling to focus. We saw the largest sun dial in the world and I didn’t take much in for that. Mr D got told off for climbing up something he wasn’t supposed to. Why have steps if you cant climb them? Anything after  12 and I am done. We were all overheating but we still spent the next hour and a half looking at a weapons museum and some old clothing behind glass. We all tried to look interested but were so hungry and so happy when he finally said lets go for lunch. Another Indian buffet but we were all so ravenous we didn’t care any earlier thoughts I had about how fat I was looking went out the window when I was tucking into a variety of different curries and mopping it up with a naan! Over indulged as usual and only for a fiver! We then went back to the hotel apparently the market we thought we were going to was the fabric place. Damn knew I should have bought the elephant blanket!

When we got back me and Mr D nipped over the road to have a look at cinema times as we fancied ourselves a bit of bollywood! It would be rude not too right? Unfortunatley there wasn’t anything just the Expendables 3 in Hindu and some weird film about a dog. They don’t even like bloody dogs over here! Amongst all the happy shopping teenagers were a few begger girls and I mean girls, they looked around age 7. What makes me so sad they don’t ask for money. This young girl was asking for a banana and shampoo and even a pen. I dint know if they genuinely would like a banana. If we gave one of our homeless people a piece of fruit half of them would throw it back at you. I gave her an apple not sure how she’d react. She had the biggest smile on her face and held it up like a trophy. It actually broke my heart. I then had a crowd of young girls around me and when I pulled a sweaty bag of sweets I’d put in my bag for Mr D on the aeroplane they started clawing at my arms. I gave the bag to the smallest girl there and then got out of there. I walked off watching them share out the sweaty sweets wishing I could do more. How can I be staying right across the road and have unlimited breakfast of fresh eggs and bread and these girls are right outside wanting a sweet! We then headed up to the roof top pool for some relaxing time! It was on the 7^th floor so looked out over the whole city and we had it all to ourselves. There seems to be mostly business folk in the hotels we were staying at so they were not interested in the pools. After playing around and making up stories of the views and towers being made of cheese. We played around Mr D lifting me out of the water and giving me shoulder rides. I promised him this time next year on our honeymoon  I’ll be much lighter. He doesn’t care if I am or not as long as I’m happy. I decided I wanted to get pissed because I hadn’t yet and hit the 5pm happy hour on a mission! Mr D had took a while getting ready so we were later than I had wanted to be. It was shit in there no music and the service was slow even though it was dead. They seemed to be making jokes about us as they were looking over and laughing at us. I checked I didn’t have a bogie or my skirt tucked into my knickers. No they were just rude! After 4 double vodkas in a hour me and Mr D giggling about the photos we’d taken of us imitating pictures around the hotels, I was much happier. I realised the happy hour was a bit of a scam and I was getting one shot free and having to pay loads for every orange juice so decided I wasn’t wasting anymore money. Stuff your happy hour! We went to find our friends and had a few cocktails before heading out to find something to do! Jaipur had felt the safest place so we wanted to go out and do something! We checked out the other shopping mall but there was not much to do there, no bars around the place and decided it wasn’t the best idea to get on a tuck-tuck and say take us somewhere intresting! So by 10pm we ended up happy, slightly merry and sitting in pizza hut! We didn’t even eat much, mine had a strange chilli cheese crust which was just a bit sloppy. We headed back to bed. We kept the curtains open as we had a beautiful view of all the lights across the city. I fell asleep lying on Mr Ds chest looking at the view. Life is good.

26/8/14- We had the big journey back to Delhi today. Unfortuantley we didn’t get a free pastry bag this time. Mr D can only manage jam on toast for brekkie his stomach has been a little off. The music in the restaurant is awful. A woman warbling over and over again we genulinly wasn’t sure if it was supposed to be like that or the CD was stuck.  Before we left I ran over the main road to see if I could see the poor girls but they weren’t there. I’d made up a food parcel of soft hobnobs and left over pizza with a few of the last Pringles. Mr D said who wants pizza out of your handbag? I replied ‘people who are stavring’  I also made up a parcel with soaps, shampoo and a pencil and paper but couldn’t find anyone to give it too! We startd our 6 hour journey, no guide or tours today. I felt a little rough its hard to tell if its dehydration, over indulgence, the heat or the vodkas! I also had a heat rash appearing well I’m hoping its a heat rash and I’m not dying of maleria or something! You need to be drinking so much water here but when your on the bus for hours this only leads to one thing! Its okay if your a male you can just wee at the side of the road but not for us ladies! I had to go and wee in a hole in the floor! Avoiding the wee on the floor and aiming right was quite a task! The journey was still amazing its the only time you really get to take in the sites and its a safe place to stare at people and not get harresed! The down side is you cant get any good photos of the streets and the people. The bustle and the craziness I’d love to capture a pic and take it home. You can see anything on the streets. Stalls selling all sorts of food, freshly squeezed juice, flower garlands. People grilling corn on the cobs at the side of the road. Little hairdressers set up just a mirror and chair needed. Monkeys, cows, donkeys, camels, goats, pigs just mixed in with the crowds. I was really fascinated by the wildlife here and on more than one occasion I interrupted a guide to shout ‘oo did you see that green parrot’ or ‘wow look at those chipmunks’ I guess I would have liked to have been told more about th way people live now and not just the history. Even though outside the nicest hotels there are still holes in the pavement and poor people. You can see the different areas as you drive through. In the poorest parts it was normal to see a guy taking a shit at the side of the street or for someone sleeping on the pavement with a chunk of concrete as a pillow.. The stalls were scummier you’d never even be tempted to eat from one of them. We saw a dead sheep on the pavement where 2 men were having a chat right next to it and didn’t even bat an eyelid. A stall selling deep fried goods right next to it. Maybe he was up next. Deep fry him and cover him in sugar and he would be good to eat! As the areas got nicer the stalls would look cleaner and more colourful selling fabrics and other goods. The children would wave as we passed and some of them look genuinely excited just to see our faces. Its hard to get away from looking English when I’m pasty and ginger and have lived in my scrappy converse all week because they are the comfiest thing I own! The other couple have dark hair and olive skin and have been mistaken for Spanish and Italian a few times. Not us.

The views became more rural and instead of seeing tiny homes made of stacked up bricks with a piece of scrap metal on the top or tents made of a piece of plastic anything they could get their hands on really you could now see mud and straw huts. No matter which part you are in you can see beautiful places of worship, statues and monuments even in the middle of a field in the middle of no where. We stopped for lunch and we were all very boring and just had some fries our bodies craving something plain and boring. Ive found myself eating and drinking things I don’t normally like at home. Maybe its the familiarity fanta, sprite and even frankfurters for breakfast. I hate frankfurters but I found myself 2 days in a row picking them over chickpeas and naans for breakfast. You don’t seem to get starters in India. We once ordered a onion bhaji and it was a strange onion curry with some bread. Baji means onion so were actually ordering a ‘onion onion please’

We were happy to arrive to a hotel we recognised in aa area we kind of knew back at the start in New Delhi. It was quite a different feeling to when we arrived just over a week earlier now we were much more confident. We wanted to make the most of our last night and went straight to the pool. It was 5.30 so the weather had cooled nicely so we spent an hour having hoverboard competitions standing on floats. There wasn’t the gawping faces around this time until I noticed the work men. Some were quite close doing up the outside of the bottom floors and some were right up near the tenth floor but they’d all stand still and gawp. It was like they’d never seen swimwear before it was odd! Mr D thought they were wearing colinders on their heads but we realised a few of them wore special hats they could carry things on their heads with. Many of them didn’t bother. They had no ropes or safety gear when they were on scaffolding 10 stories high. A couple of guys weren’t even working they were lounging about lying on a scaffolding pole in the sky! Absolutly crazy!

We got ready and met our friends in the bar had a few drinks and decided to eat in the hotel as its the best food weve eaten since being here. It didn’t disappoint we indulged in different curries and the restaurant manager sending away the waiter with normal naan bread and ordering us a special kind of cheese and coriander naan bread that apparently you can only get in India. The pudding display was amazaing and you could pick as many as you liked. I was very English and had a little lemon tart and a piece of chocolate roll. Both truely delicious. I could of probably squeezed in another but didn’t want to be the fat bastard of the group who wanted more pudding! It cost about £20 with booze which is really good as the quality is top notch. We paid as little as £5 for some of the buffets and bought branded pop for as little as 30p, shows how much they must make out of us in England! Obviously drinks prices vary everywhere as some people try to swindle you. They see us as walking cash machines. We sometimes had to pay triple to get in places what the locals paid and they just saunter past paying pennies!

We had one more drink in the bar before calling it a night. Originally we were going to try and do something exciting on our last night like venture out and go to a show but turns out we were just happy eating good food and having a few drinks with new friends. We said our goodbyes which was actually quite sad. We’d been very lucky that we’d been on tour with such a nice couple. They had similar jobs and were engaged like us and she shared my love for the homewear section at TK Maxx so must be a good person. They were intresting and we could of easily been with some boiring old folks that wanted to go to the jewlerry factory as we saw no other young English couples. Must be why they wanted to take our photo so much!

27/8/14- Strange waking up thinking tonight we’ll be in our own bed and having our own clean toilet! I look forward to that! For breakfast I could not take anymore weird concotions and had waffles with syrup. Looked good but I’ll be happy to get back to normal breakfasts! Followed by a little pastry! Well might as well make the most of it and enjoy the hotel goodies one last time! Mr D went to the loo and the waiter approached me. He wanted to know if I was an actress as he thought he’d seen me in a movie. I said ‘no’ He said ‘somebody must look like you’ I thought bloody hell another fat, ginger tattooed lady? Dont think they’ll need another to be a movie star then! He told me how wonderful the flowers in my hair looked last night. If theres any pale single fat girls out there get yourself to India. The men seem to love us!

We nipped to the cahs machine and I took my poor packages I’d made up as I’d still not seen any. There was no poor folk around. There never seemed to be in the morning, it was the only time the streets were quiet. I put the packages on a bench in the square and as I walked away a stray dog was there instantly. I was happy with that as long as it helped something that was hungry. Hope he didn’t eat the soap.

In the taxi to the airport I felt sad trying to drink in the last bit of India but we were just in the usual mad traffic. I saw some traffic police had stopped someone and wondered what craziness it would take to be pulled up by traffic police here. We wandered around the airport with our last bit of money wishing we’d bought presents from the street men that were 10 times cheaper. Thought it would be amusing to buy my neice a book on becoming a Hindu just incase. I got my bro a book on naked statues and paintings in India. The drawing were quite graphic and I got the German version as it was on sale for £2. He doesn’t speak German but I’m sure he’ll love it. The airport was full of traveller stereotypes. Young rich kids wearing massive parachute trousers usually with a nice elephant design. Patchwork embroided bags and friendship bands. Either dreadlocks or scratty unbrushed hair. They came from all over but all fell under the same sterotype just like in the Inbetweeners 2. Amusing. It was lunch time so we grabbed a Mcdonalds and it was like a spicy KFC burger. It was the spiciest thing I’d eaten since we’d been in India!

I’m glad Mr D had paid extra for the flights. Ive never been on something so fancy. Spacious, head rest, foot rest, fold out table and just 2 of us to a row. Our friends were on the original flight and had a awful experience swapping flights in Abu-dabi. I didn’t like to ask where that was I’m guessing it was somewhere hot but to me it sounded like somewhere in Wales! I don’t think i can ever go back to shitty ryan air again.

Its easily been the most amazing experience of my life. I’m not eager to book somewhere equally amazing for our honeymoon next year. After that who knows when babies will be on the horizon. I regret not doing something amazing until this point in my life but maybe I was waiting to have Mr D by my side.

Goodbye India.