Thrusting and Grunting

10/09/14 I don’t even feel good this morning.I’m sure its because Ive not been eating properly the last few days. My stomach and my chest hurt. I hope this is not me having a heart attack before Ive even started slimming world. I’m glad I’m finally starting today. Routine and structure is good for me. I had a couple of biscuits dunked in milk for breakfast and thats it I’m done. No more crap, I swear I can feel my insides clogging up. I’m so ready for this.

I arrived at class to what seemed a pretty friendly bunch. There was 7 of us just starting which apparently is rare to have so many. There were a lot of ‘characters’ some jolly older women laughing over the giant gob stoppers the leader had bought us. There seemed a mixture of larger ladies and ones that are obviously doing well and are near target. My initial thoughts were that the leader was over weight which didn’t fill me with confidence. Surely a Slimming World Leader should practice what she preaches? I should be looking at her for inspiration. She seemed nice quite a jolly confident lady. When she explained about Slimming World she explained about herself and that she had just had to rejoin as a member herself as she’d not been following the plan and put all the weight back on. I admired her honesty and I can relate on how easy it is to slip into old ways. It would be good seeing her progress with ours as she she should lead the way! Good for her! Lets all bloody do this together!! Apparently I have to bring in a piece of fruit each week to put in the bowl for the slimmer of the week.  I don’t really like fruit they can have a wrinkly apple thats sat at the bottle of my bowl for a few weeks. I got weighed. Ugh it was ugly. It was worse than I thought. Worse than after Christmas. Back to full fat bastard mode. This diet better bloody work! And quick! I had to leave before she started talking to the group as the whole thing was due to take 1 hour 20 minutes! I haven’t got that kind of time thats a lot of time to get weighed and a 10 minute motivation chat! I needed to zoom home to make a pile of pasta and cottage cheese for my lunch. I’ll be more organised next week.

Work was quiet. The new kids are not all sleeping in yet. I was good, I had a jacket potatoe with beans and lots of salad. It was a pretty crappy jacket but I stuck to my plan all the same. I got to finish a little early and got home to snuggle up and have some supper with Mr D. As part of my ‘healthy A’ option I can have 2 baby bells as my dairy allowance and then I used 4 of my daily syns to have a packet of beef naughts and crosses crisps. Ooosh what a great diet when I can sit in bed eating cheese and crisps. This is absolutely the best way to get thin!!

11/09/14 I wanted to make the most of my morning and contemplated going to the gym. I just didn’t feel I was up to going straight to a hard class if it was a dance one i would have gone. I went for a swim first thing. I regretted it the second I got in. Ive not been for a while, it was cold and and there was a man in the slow lane doing some kind of back stroke buttefly that took up the whole lane. As I tried to stay close to the wall to get past him I manged to kick the wall hard. My bloody toe was killing, a man in the next lane must of seen me wince and swear under my breath 'Fucking butterfly Bastard old git' and checked I was okay with a smirk! I actually started to enjoy my swim and started making plans to make homemade chips, baked beans and eggs for lunch. How can that be a diet? Its a bloody good one! Another old guy got in to the lane and I had to get out, I couldn’t deal with both of them swimming at a snail pace and taking up the whole lane! As I got in my car I was thinking I wonder if I will ever see any of the old students around here as school use this leisure centre. As I drove towards the exit there was one of my girls with one of my fave members of staff. It was nice to see her, I’d worked really hard with her building up a relationship and getting her to come to school but not had chance to say goodbye to her when I left. I got big hugs all round. I miss working with The Gov hes like a bear. A father figure which me and my bro are often drawn too. It was lovely to see them but left me feeling really sad. I miss them, I miss the job. I miss being really good at my job and being needed. It made me feel genuinely sad for the next few hours. I really miss the kids. I went home and attempted to make a Slimming world cake out of quork.

Casually having a nose through the slimming world website and ideas for lunches. Why would you write ham salad? Is that really a idea that somebody couldn’t think up themselves? Was it really worth making the effort of writing it on a wall? A few people wrote ‘mugshot’ of all the nice things you can eat on slimming world people are having wishy washy watery soup with a few floaty noodles in. Is than filling? Its hardly a lunch!

12/09/14 Sooooo tired  hardly slept at all. First night back at resi and I kept waking up and thinking the girls needed me! One of them was ill so I think this kept playing on my mind. I didn’t end up speaking to Mr D until 11.30pm. Breakfast was hard as I’d been really unorganised with food ready for today. I ate a yogurt and sombodies special K bar from the cupboard (I left an IOU)  I drank diet coke through the day to keep me alive. I had tried to cut down on my diet coke and I have upped my intake of fruity teas for something different but seriously like I don’t give up enough nice things dieting all the time! I don’t need to give up bloody diet coke too! Which has 0 calories!! The day was long even with taking the students out in the morning to sensory swimming. I covered a dinner lady at lunchtime. The students have an hour and 15 minutes lunch, that is long.  Beig unorganised I just had a bit of last nights left over tea, new potatoes and veggies. Not a great lunch but at least still sticking to my plan when I’m unorganised. I turned down choccie biccies. They love a biccie and a slice of cake in that class. They also love talking about cake. Probably why I’m fitting in well. I can talk about cake until the cows come home. I just cant eat any.

Then it was off to our weekend away!! whoo We arrived to a beautiful cottage with beautiful views! It looked fantastic from the outside and was decorated beautifully on the inside with beams and a log burner. I love it when I get a good groupon deal and this was deffo one of the best ones. Mr D got the quorn chilli on he made and the beers were in the fridge. My bro, Mrs B, my 18 month old neice and their pooch arrived not long after.

We sorted some stuff out then sat down for dinner. Mr D had done a great job he’d been really good and not added anything that I wasn’t allowed and did a cracking quorn chilli. My bro didn’t even realise it was qorn so must be good. After my neice went to bed we sat around wondering why we hadn’t bought any games or at least a pack of cards. We decided to move with the times and each couple challenge each other to different themed quizzes on an app. My favourite subject I’d picked were the Spice girls and Christmas movies. Mr D had gone for Sciencey and geeky ones. We then decided to go old school and play the sticker on your head game. Giggerling at Mrs B struggling to get Adolph Hitler and watching Mr D work out he had himself! We then started playing ‘name the intro’ where we took in terms to pick a son on youtube and the first one to get the song and the band got a point. I bloody love this game and its one of the few games I’m good at. We battled it out a few rounds. Our family are very competitive. Mr D is much more chilled. After my couple of coors light I still stuck to the plan and being organised we all snacked on the low syn snaks I bought and the leftovers. We called it a night quite late. We would have gone longer but the little one was very unsettled in a new place. Great night. You really don’t need money to have fun.

13/09/14 14 I started my morning by sending my brother back to bed as my neice had not slept well at all last night. We then snuggled up with a bowl of strawberries and watched Little Mermaid. I think I may have enjoyed it more than her! She sat still for about 10 minutes. Then we played, she took a liking to my sliming world book and did a bit of scribbling on my diary pages! She spent some time following the dog and pulling his ears and we sang all the songs to the film. She isn’t talking clearly yet but she says odd word and then spends time talking in her own little language. My bro was on breakfast duty this morning and was not happy about my dietry requirements. He moaned about spray light being shit on many occasions and I had to craftly sneek in the oven and separate my veggie sausages from there big fat juicy looking sausages with fat seeping out of them. It was yummy and its good that i can eat a good breakfast within my syns.

Skirt is feeling snug so I put my pjs on at 7.30pm for my vodka drinking! I feel like I’d just eaten something so naughty but everything I ate was allowed on the diet. Homemade burger, corn on the cob, chicken no skin, salad and home made coleslaw. Like an indoor BBQ. Im still feeling gross. I caught my reflection in a window today and from the side and just looked huge. I look fine from the front but like a huge big round ball from the side! Normally after a few days on a diet I am feeling healthier and less bloated but I feel quite the opposite. I really cant see how this is going to work. I will carry on regardless and not let it ruin my weekend away. Its vodka o clock!

We played x factor drinking and I knew how much I could drink with a couple of days worth of syns to use on vodka! Different suits of playing cards meant different words such as ‘Simon, love, potential’ and you picked out another card each advert so we happily got merry watching X factor. Much more fun! We then carried on with the name the intro game. I must have been drunker than i thought as I only vagely remember me and my bro getting very competitetive near the end and him rubbing it in that I came second and makd me a rosette to wear. Normally i can drink much more vodka than that? Well second place it is!

I realised I’ve got it wrong with soya puddings in the book it says there 2 syns I thought that was fab and have eaten my third one this week. Devilshy dark chocolate. Good for a chocolate fix but thought I’d put it on the slimming world group on facebook and 5.5!! Gutted!

14/09/15 I got up early leaving Mr D snoozing thinking my neice would be up but she wasn’t. After packing things aways knowing how long it took the oven to warm up for breakfast. Its great how I can eat a nice big brekkie with the others. We had bacon, scrambled eggs, mushrooms and spaghetti! I don’t normally eat spaghetti but on this diet Ive been eating more than my fair share of baked beans so fancied some spaghetti to break it up a bit. We packed up and and whislt my bro was packing his car me , my neice and he pooch hung out in the field across the road. As the dog was crazily digging below a bush as he’d obviously seen a creature of some type I said ‘there he is’ and my neice kept copying. Slowly she is copying more words. All the important ones like ‘cows?!’ she’ll  be nattering in  no time. Mr D said he’d found a local National Trust site so we headed off there. As we got out of the car I was questioning why we had just pulled up on a street in the next village as I thought we were visiting somewhere. Apparently my mistake and this ‘walk around the village’ was all there was to do around here. My bro thought this was funny that I was annoyed about this and was doing my head delirabtly trying to wind me up. How old are we 10? I chipped a bit of dry cowpat at his head but it unfortunately went a bit too far. Damn, I was hoping it had a nice stinky wet bit underneath. Sometimes I just cant be arsed with people. Not even my favourite people. A whole weekend filled with people was enough right then and I happily trotted on the ‘village walk’ consisting mainly of a long main road ahead of the other drinking my diet coke and listening to my new Maroon 5 album. People are so annoying. We went for another bit of a walk and looked at some cows and then we called it a day. We headed home for some chilling time and didn’t really fancy doing a roast and fancied having a crack at a slimming world ‘fakeaway’ I read about mushy pea curries and wasn’t convinced but the reviews were pretty good. I added some of the Maryland Chinese sauce that the slimmers rave about but unfortunately it was very disappointing. I’d used turkey in it and you could really taste the mushy peas. I ate it anyway as I’d made a pretty big batch. Mr D hardly ate any and in our whole time together its only about the third meal he wouldn’t eat. (the first was a dodgy folded over frozen pizza that didn’t defrost very well when we were hungover)

Fail on the fakeaway.

I’m realy into the Slimming World Facebook groups. A general one and the group one. I find it really good for ideas, staying n track and for positive vibes but some people and some posts are seriously fucking stupid. My fave stupid post of the day ‘If I drink my yogurt instead of eating it will it be syns?’ for fucks sake!

15/09/14 I got called into work today and really could not be arsed. I was sitting snuggled in bed hoping the phone wouldn’t ring. When it did I had to say yes because I had no reason not to. I had no plans and always extra money for the wedding pot. What was I going to do staying in bed? I had the Monday morning blues all the way to work but I arrived to see I was in a class that i know and really like in the morning. Most of the kids were doing tests so I just spent time playing matching games with a few students. Iater it was some of the left over pretty grim mushy pea curry for my lunch. I didnt have much time to plan with half an hour to get ready this morning and I don’t like to waste food especially with it being low in syns so weird mushy pea curry it was. It actually seemed to taste better the second day. In the afternoon I went to a class that I didn’t know, with students I didn’t really know many of and Isomehow ended up off site on my own playing golf with 3 students. Unfortunately the golf only lasted 10 minutes so I had nearly an hour to kill. Got to admit it was a pretty long hour. Its days like today I miss my old job. I miss responsibility. In my lasts few months before it went sour I was on SLT! And now I’m definitely not. I hope I don’t lose my skills Ive learnt over the years. I feel a bit nothing today.

I witnessed an awful thing tonight when visiting Mr Ds family I don’t want to go in to detail as its not fair as its Mr Ds family. All I can say is I should of acted quicker and felt absolutely awful for not doing enough to help. I should of done more I should of been quicker. I cant describe how terrible I feel tonight.

16/09/14 Having my daily nose through the slimming world facebook page I noticed people talking about that when they do exercise on slimming world it makes them put on weight so their not going to bother. What? Well I don’t want to just lose weight I want to be healthy. I want to be fit. Surely  promoting a healthy lifestyle would be a good thing? Well I’m not planning on having lots of saggy skin if I can help it. I cant see how exercising wouldn’t help. In weight watchers (I shiuldnt even say that word as a slimming world member) you got extra points to eat/drink from exercising. I miss that on this diet, the chance to have extra calories. So off I went to the booby shaking Dance fit class. I really wasn’t in the mood and was tempted to just go for a stroll around b and m instead but I made it. It felt good to be back in a class I do feel better for doing them. It was the same usual booby shaking hip hoppy hippy kind of class. The only problem was a lady kept standing right infront of my view to the instructer now this wouldn’t be too bad if she didn’t keep touching herself.  She was constently brushing past her breasts and touching her inner thighs. Look love, a gym class is not the place to start touching yourself up! Maybe she likes the instructer and sees it as a bit of live soft porn with all the thrusting and grunting.

Pretty average shift at work. Nothing to report apart from I’m not sure how I’m going to keep having these jacket potatoe with beans. The jackets always taste watery and they're microwaved ones. Putting them in the oven for 10 minutes is obviously too much like hard work. As we ate dinner at 4.30, by 8pm  I was really craving cake! All I wanted was  a yummy chocolate melt in the middle cake with custard! That would be sooo good right now. Normally I crave carbs but on this diet I can eat carbs! Now I want chocolate!! This week I’m not drinking I’ll use my syns for something yummy!

 Just worked how to make my own ‘fatbirdturning30’ facebook page! Fabulous maybe I can start working out how to promote my blog! I really appreciate everybodies support. I will pop some of my recipes, outfit choices and dilemmas on my new page!

I have no idea how I can have lost weight this week. I look so bloated tonight. I’m fatter! Normally when I do  health kick for a week I feel great. Thinner, healthier. I feel bloody horrible and my skins bad too. Cant someone give me a break? Its shit enough being  a fatty do I need to have bad skin too?!

Time to join a slimming club??

03/09/14- 6.15am Mr Ds alarm went off. He then has another 2 go off over the next 40 mins! It doesn’t matter that I do not need to be awake at 6.15 and I can never just doze straight off like he does ugh!! First day back to work and even though I knew I’d feel fine I felt a bit apprehensive on the way. I was fine once I was there!!

Food Hygiene training ugh. Last time I did this it was online and lasted 20 minutes. Yes I did fail that first time but does it really need to be a whole day?! Longggg boring day which I sat fidgeting, drinking fruit tea and doodling in my book.

Really didn’t want to go the gym. Mr D was back early and we were just chilling having a snuggle. I went to the bathroom and caught my reflection in the mirror of me in my my knickers and vest and thought I really should go to the gym but then sat back on my bed. Mr D then walked in from the shower looking good and I thought I really need to go to the gym. Still sat on the bed. An advert came on where Julia Roberts looked amazing in a tight figure hugging dress and shes like 50 or something?! I got off my fat ass and got my gym gear on! I always dread doing exercise when Ive not done it for a bit but if your going to do it might as well go straight in to the hardcore and go to Insanity! My cousin C came to Insanity tonight shes got through some trials with the police and is trying to up her fitness levels. She alot thinner than me but were a similar shape. Think most of us ladies are a similar shape on my mums side. I like to call it the two bellies! Yove either got a shape that you have one roundish belly or your bellies kind of separate in to 2. So youve got your middle and then your tyre if your a fat bastard like me! Luckily I don’t have any more tyres but that is more than plenty! Luckily were also blessed with ample busom. All fat birds should be blessed with that its the least we can have! Fat birds with no boobs really have got a rough ride, thats just bloody unfair!! The class went well.  C seemed to struggle on the same bits as me. The upper body stuff where you have to do walking press ups and one handed burpees! Seriously how many people can do one handed burpees?? At the end of one of the sections there was a high knees jog. Mine wasn’t very high kneed until I spotted the girl next to me fully going for! I thought this skinny bird aint going to out jog me so I stepped up my game!

05/09/14 I procrastinated as much as possible this morning before going to my first aid class. 30 minutes before I was due to start I was still sat at home with my feet up eating raspberries, blueberries, yogurt and granola for breakfast.  Must look into getting some healthier gronala as this Jacobs one seems quite high in calories.Whats even in it? Can I make it myself? I need to look into that pintrest thing im sure that would tell me but im shocking with technology. Cant work it out!

As I walked in I saw the 2 night staff that I know a little bit from work. It was at a Primary School down the road and we walked in to a school hall with 60 staff all sat in a circle staring at us wondering who the hell we were. I was glad 2 I at least knew these 2 abit. Ive done first aid courses so many times ! Adolencent ones, the full 4 day sha bang so from the word go I wasnt really interested and started day dreaming. I reckon I could easily work out who was who in this room. There was clearly the dinner lady corner. Crude, giggerly and the ones shouting out and laughing the loudest. The teaching assistants who just look like poorer versions of the teachers. The admin staff, A few young apprentices and the serious looking pencil skirted lady at the end . Then  I was trying to work out the teachers. There there was the obvious looking PE teacher in Sports Gear, The geeky looking but serious science teacher. The guy with the pony tail, the grubby looking converse and asked the strange questions could be the art teacher. The young smart but still modern lady must teach the little ones. Im not sure what the young tattooed guy with his v neck nealy down to his belly button was, he  looks like hes a boyband reject could be a dance teacher?but it did remind me I needed to book tickets for the Big Reunion so texted the girls to see if they fancied it. Which reminded I wanted to see Lady Gaga so I texted Mr D and told him. I then thought about how I wanted a Lady Gaga themed birthday and then thought about what themes I would look for my hen do. I then started doodling my Halloween costume. As well as all this I did a bit of resuscitation and patted people on the back if they were pretending to choke. We were next to the dinner ladies who were making jokes about our Micheal Jackson Style resuscitation dummy and pretending to breast feed the baby resuscitation doll. The 2 instructers also thought they were funny. They were that unfunny they were funny. They looked the same both with grey bowl cuts, bad black comfy shoes  and square glasses. They were like the Chuckle brothers apart from the male of the 2 kept lurking behind a attractive young girl and kept trying to get her to volunteer. She kept slipping in the odd slightly filthy joke including one about wrapping  someone up in a bandage but change the 'a' in bandage to an 'o'. The whole thing was badddd  but I sat there in my own little word amused by everybody around me and making plans for the months ahead. I spent the afternoon planning a weekend away next week and managed to get a really good deal on groupon. I am not willing to accept summer is over and the weather lady keeps saying its going to be a nice few weeks. It wasn’t a easy task as I needed a cheap weekend away not too far for 4 adults, a toddler and 2 dogs! I succeeded and got a cottage for 2 nights for £100 for all of us in the beautiful Yorkshire countryside!! Boom £25 each.

Off home for the Bessie coming over. Good to have a catch up and a good natter. Cooked a one pot number. Sausages, roasted veggies, sweet poatoe in a mustardy dressing. We talked bridesmaids, babies and hen nights. Pretty much covers everything.

05/09/14- In a new class today. Ive been in there a couple of times but its nice to know which class im going to be in for the year plus they have new kids so we can start a fresh together! Its harder to come in when the kids are very attached to the staff. The staff are really nice and were discussing my favourite subjects very early on. Weddings and diets! Boom I’ll be fine here! One lady gets married 2 days before me shes lost 4 and a half stone and bought her dress! Shes on slimming world and told me how great it is like the rest of the world! That you can lose weight eating as much pasta/rice and potatoes as you like!? For the whole of this year I thought this cant be right. Ive had clean eating  is the only way to lose weight.  Exercise and eat healthy. Well Ive done plenty of that and just end up going round and round in circles everytime I have a weekend away. Well fuck it if I really want to lose weight for my wedding I cant do this alone anymore. Time to try something new! Stuff my face with carbs and lose weight? I’m in!! When can I join??

Theres a few morning  Slimming World classes and I’m going to join next week. I know I will be joining just before our weekend away but the more I put it off the more I’ll just eat and think of excuses so next week I am starting this! Ive had a nose and done some research and it is basically really limiting fats. Limited butter, oils and creamy things. I actually think i might be able to  do this at work! I’m totally going to do this. Right I am not going to do that thing where I eat filthy up until I start my diet. I’m not going to do it, I’m not going to do it!

Cherry Tree for mums birthday dinner! I’m going to be good, I’m going to be good. I’ll just have a couple of crispy roast potatoes, and a little bit of chessey and mash and a Yorkshire pud! Oops plenty of veg on there too! Felt like a fat bastrad afterwards so had to wash it down with a few white wine spritzers. There was a table next to me with a few average sized folk and a couple of slightly over weight. Not as fat as me and they’d gone for the mega carvery plate. It was disgusting a huge plate with a mountain of food on! 4 yorkshire puddings pilled amougnst mounds of mash. It was ridiculous like something off man vs food. How do they do that? How do they put all that away and not be incredibly fat?? Everybody ordered cake away to share. Though I wasn’t hungry at that point I fancied something chocolatey and peanutty but Mr D chose a lemon drizzle cake. As I got up to walk out I realised how bloated I was. I was wearing a red maxi dress clinging on to summer and I honestly looked pregnant. My middle was round. That is awful. I look fucking pregnant!! I tried to hide it with my bag, breathed in and scuttled off to the car sulking. I got home to see the dog had ripped the middle of the brand new duvet and duvet cover on the spare bed I’d bought just days ago! I was so mad! Stuffing from the duvet everywhere! The good times are over pooch you can sleep in your own bed in the kitchen!! ‘No I don’t want any lemon drizzle cake, I wanted chocolate peanut!’ ‘Okay I’ll just finish it off for you’ ugh off to bed. Fat not pregnant!

06/09/14 Mr D was working this morning so had the morning to myself. I then remembered that he had taken my car in to fix the squirters so I decided to do some painting. I painted the boring looking small pine wardrobe Mr D bought with him and put in the spare room when he moved in. Its so nice to no longer have a lodger as we can completly spread out now. I decided to be frugal and went in the shed and dug out a very light green paint and added some blue to make a duck egg colour. I must admit I did a pretty good job. Sometimes i’m quite happy to potter round by myself.  Mr D was feeling pretty worn out and I was still not feeling great so we spent sometime chilling. I popped out to get my hair done as Ive recently got in touch with a girl who used to do my hair in college. She was a student and practising, that was 10 years ago. We used to chat about our second hand handbags before it was ‘vintage’ and ‘cool’. It was a vintage fair and she was doing hair put ups for a tenner. I know I was only going to a house party but any excuse to have cute hair! She did it in about 10 minutes she was so quick and very good. If anyones looking for vintage hair I recommend her ‘Necias Hair’ look her up! (Shame ive already booked my wedding hair)We then went out to my cousins birthday party. I had a bottle of amerreto with me as I know I deffo wont be allowed that on any diet I start so might as well enjoy the lovely bakwell tart in a glass before I begin. It was quite a family event and even though we’d eaten before we came out we found ourselves grazing on sausage rolls and chicken goujons. A drink was spilt on the table and fully coated my tights and even went in my shoes. Mr D got a splash too but I spent the night with my tights stuck to my legs. The comment made was ‘If you were in a night club it would be worse than that.' Good job I wasn’t then! It was a nice evening and everyone seemed to be quite merry. I wasn’t really that drunk probably because Amerreto might taste amazing but is only about 10% alcohol! I went to bed with a shower cap on to try and have my beautiful 50s hair for another day.

07/09/14 Woke up with a very sweaty head. I’m not sure sleeping in quite a thick shower cap is the best thing to do though my hair wasn’t looking to bad! We enjoyed peanut butter on toast for breakfast and then took the pooch for a walk. We went to his favourite spot in all the trees and he ran around like a mad head. I do love a nice Sunday dog stroll with Mr D. We were hoping to go and visit Mr Ds parents but his dad was working so we went to my cousins for a lunchtime BBQ. She had a BBQ the next day so the oldies could come to this one and invited the rest of us too. They’d never done a BBQ before so we had to be patient waiting for the dessposable BBQ on the floor but she’d made some good potatoe salad and coleslaw and I love good coleslaw. After we were all full a load more meat came out half an hour later so i did squeeze in a couple of koftas and one of my burgers I bought I’d been waiting for. I let my Uncle Smithy have the burnt one that came out first! I spent most of the time grilling my Aunty about Slimming World. Shes been doing it a long time but is at goal but she still goes otherwise she’ll put it back on. My nans been doing it for a while and I asked her how many syns were in the large white cob with thick butter and 2 cheese slices was and she said she wsnt sure ‘about  4’ I haven’t started yet but I’m pretty sure that is quite a few more than 4. My nans been doing slimming clubs for as long as I can remember but I think she does them more as a social gathering. To be fair though she has lost about a stone recently but I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have much of a clue about the diet! The conversation turned to ice bucket challenges ‘rolls eyes’ and it wasn’t just about donating it was about the awareness. I said I hadn’t seen anything on what the charity was for other than a text number. I asked ‘what is it raising awareness for?’ the reply i got was ‘Some cancer charity’. I rest my case.

We then went to Asda with my big list of things to buy ready for the diet! Mr D has been fabulously supportive and hasn’t moaned at all about me going on and on about Slimming World. The only way I can give it my all is if I’m completly organised and obsess about it! We got home and chilled out. I tried to use up anything we still had in the freezer that wouldn’t be allowed on the new diet so by 8pm we were hungry and we had a nice simple dinner of pasty, cheesey mash and baked beans. I do love a good pastry.

08/09/14 Monday morning again but I was pretty sure I wouldn’t get called up for supply as its the first Monday back. Who will call in sick on the first Monday back? I didn’t get called up but because of that I’d never made any plans. I decided to treat myself and stay in bed after 8am this is rare for me. I picked up my mum and we went for a potter around Asda. We’d gone with work last week and I’d seen some really good priced outdoor paint. It was all gone, the bargains were pretty rubbish most of the sale stuff had gone so was a bit of a wasted journey. We went to B and M and I stashed up on my diet coke before dropping mum off home. I didn’t eat lunch I just grazed on crisps, bread and anything knocking about.

I stood infront of Mr D and told him ‘this is the last time your going to see me this fat’

09/09/14 Enjoyed my last bit of thick white toast for breakfast and got ready to go to Slimming World. I didn’t feel nervous just wanted to get this first weigh in and what will be a horrible result on the scales out of the way and behind me. Its annoying that there is a class right at the end of my road but this class is Wednesday evenings like a lot of the classes so I had to travel right near where I have to work. I arrived and everywhere seemed locked up. I read the sign and it said ‘Thursday mornings at 9.15am’ Bloody hell! I got the wrong day! Annoyed with myself I headed back home. Why do I never read things properly?! I decided to change my plan a bit and go to a class Wednesdays  when I’m on my split shift. Right tomorrow is the day I start! Tomorrow is my fresh start! I joked to my friend well at least its another day I can eat what i want but to be honest I wasn’t that bothered. I didn’t eat properly for the rest of the day I just grazed. After days of just letting myself have what I want I don’t want it anymore. I had training in the afternoon and enjoyed a snickers bar I’m sure they would be loads of syns on slimming world.My boss laughed when I said I’m treating myself to some chocolate before my diet starts tomorrow and she said she always does the same thing. Does everyone have a crazy treat few days before starting a new diet? I was actually quite happy to get back to doing my shifts at work. It was good to see the kids. I feel like Ive forgetton everything after having the summer off! Its like a fresh start again with different kids and in new classes. I do feel settled in this school which is nice. Unfortuantley the food was no better  for pudding it looked like some chocolatey goodness but was actually jelly topped with chocolate angel delight. Ugh not so good. I was supposed to finish at 10pm tonight and was going to have the ultimate last treat for my supper. Walkers cheese and onion crisp butty! But I got to finish early so just ate the crisps on the way home I didn’t want to take them home and have to share them with Mr D. Its always nice to get back from a late to Mr D just not shar my crisps with him.

Tomorow I will make big changes! I will join Slimming world and finally be thin!!!

All diets start on Monday right?

28/8/14- It was a weird feeling waking up the next day not really having anything to do. Part of me wanted to be lazy and do nothing but this was hard after being so busy and doing such amazing things. No elephant rides today! Any thoughts of a diet were totaly out of the window. All I could think about was all the food I’d been craving and the foods we’d missed. On the aeroplane all we did was eat! They kept bringing us food out all day. Snacks, ice cream, full meals! I couldn’t eat anything for the rest of the day! But today we were hungry and we wanted sausage!! So why not start the day with sausage and cheese bagels for breakfast. No frankfurters in our house. It would have been nicer with some salad cream but I daren’t have it in as I’d just eat it on everything and that would be quite a few calories! We went to collect the pooch but Mr Ds parents weren’t in so we didn’t stay. I was feeling more and more ill as the day went on. Both me and Mr D had a sore throat at the end of the holiday but I was really feeling shity right now. Lets hope I’m not dying from eating ice cubes in India. I decided to just cosy up in the corner of the sofa and feel sorry for myself. After a few hours of catching up on any crappy TV we’d missed Mr D being fabulous went out and got us a subway. A new Sybway has opened in the garage near our house! This is fantastic but dangerous!! He didn’t come back with my usual 6 inch but a foot long! Ive only had a foot long once when I was drunk which is pretty good for a fat bird. But being ill, jet lagged and missed my good English carbs I ate the lot! And it was good. I bloody love a subway, as long as I stay clear of the big meatball and cheese numbers I should be okay! Well today I didn’t care. I pretty much didn’t move for the rest of the afternoon. Mr  D went to the shop for carrots and potatoes and came back with alsorts of goodies. He bought me lemsips and posh bubble bath to make me feel better. He also bought alsorts of other random things that would have been much cheaper bought at home bargains but I’ll let him off J The rest of the day pretty much carried on like this. Sitting on my fat ass then eating. I cooked us up toad in the hole with crispy roast potatoes and honey glazed carrots for tea which rich gravy. Ive got to admit it was good. We couldn’t even fit in the lemon tarts Mr D had bought. Ugh hope I feel better tomorrow.

Catching up on the internet the world has gone mad on ‘ice Bucket challenges’ It is all over facebook i cant bloody see anything else. Apparently its all supposed to be for a charity but I have seen no sign of anything to do with a charity. Its completly boring me. Why are people such sheep and just follow each other? Be individual! Go give a poor person a apple! (That might not work so much in England) Spend some time doing some charity work! All this text chairity numbers get taxed! People bloody annoy me! Or its supposed to be promoting the charity ‘raising awerness’well its not shown me any awareness as I haven’t seen anything about the charity! Rant over Im going to bed.

29/08/14 Mr D was up early and back at work today which was sad. That really meant holiday time was over. Luckily I was well organised and had booked in a Alton Towers Spa Day for me, mum, nan and Mrs B. Perfect. I am so well organised sometimes i totally impress myself. Strangely enough standing infront of the mirror in my swimming costume I felt okay. I didn’t feel like I’d put loads of holiday weight on like I thought I would and was actually pretty chuffed with myself. I picked everybody up and we headed to the spa. I enjoyed telling everybody all the tales of Indian and the adventures we got up too. We were giving our towels, slippers and a dressing gown. I hate the general dressing gowns you get at these places. You think all the money you pay to go to a spa they could have dressing gowns in different sizes! It didn’t fit right. It did up over my fat belly but strained and exposed all my thighs. To be honest i wasn’t  that bothered as i was right next to the spa area so didn’t have to traipse through a bar or reception where other people can see me. Just straight in to the spa where I can whip it off and get in the pool! It was a nice little spa and not too busy. Unlimited free fruit and fruit  tea bonus! After a apple, orange and a apple  I was bored of fruit. To be honest Im not really a big fan I only eat it because I should! And on this occasion because it was free! We spent some time in the whirl pool, the Jacuzzi, in the steam room, soaked my feet in the foot bath. Had a brief swim and I mean brief I did about 2 widths! Well it was for relaxing not exercicing! Then I cracked out the chocolate biscuits that mum had left me. She left me some fruit, milk, choccie biccies and some flowers to come home to! Such a nice thought but when I cracked them out she moaned that she’d bought me the fruit and Mr D the biscuits! Well she should of said! (and Mr D isn’t a massive fan of biscuits anyway!) She was soon having a few so she wasn’t that bothered! After some more relaxation our time was up and we went to get changed. The changing rooms were tiny! There were no separate ones and as well as the 4 of us there were 3 other people crammed in. All trying to get changed and trying to get in to lockers people were changing infront of each other! It was bad. I don’t do changing infont of people! Its hard to cover a fat ass like mine and I don’t fancy  awkwardly trying to put my undies on under a towel that only just reachs around me.Then you have to hold the towel together with one hand whilst trying to put your bra on with the other. I made the best option and got changed in the loo. Which is nearly as bad and pretty minging but at least I was on my own! I’d rather be elbowing the walls in the loo than risk a boob falling out or even worse dropping my towel all together!

We then headed for lunch and there was a healthy section and a naughty but nice. It all looked quite good but still not remotely feeling like being back on a diet I went for naughty and had a steak ciabatta. How I’d missed bread!! The other 3 didnt decide so quick. Mum and nan were debating as they are both on Slimming World. Mum has been doing really well and lost a stone but shes hit that stage where shes been doing really well and now has started letting naughty things slip in. I tried to encourage her by reminding her to count all the syns but think she thought I was taking the piss. I genuinely wasn’t I just don’t want her to give up when shes being doing so well. They both chose ceasar salads and Mrs B debated for a long time if to be good or bad. Even somebody as mega fit and super slender as Mrs B still has these massive food debates. She went for a ciabatta like me. The whole process seemed to take forever and mum and nans salad had a really spicy (I couldnt taste it?!) dressing on it so that had to go back and a sandwhich had to come. It took a long time!! By the time I dropt everyone home afterwards it was 5.30pm! We’d got dry at 2.15!

Looked up our friends we met on holiday on facebook couldn’t find them. Thats sad was hoping to swap pics. I have a good one of them on a elephant! I guess you just assumer everyones on facebook these days!

30/08/14 Today I feel exactly the opposite of how I felt yesterday I feel fat. It only takes a few days of eating what I want and the pounds creep on. I feel minging but still feeling ill I had no energy to contemplate going back to the gym like I wanted. I needed to get better for tonight! There was no way I was letting Minge down tonight. Her leaving do was in the summer weeks after she left so people had made poor excuses and some folk were on holidays. I’d have to be on my death bed to let her down! I had another lazy day drinking lemsips and trying to get myself on form. Feeling fat I had nothing to wear. I tried on a dress with a belt round the middle that felt a bit snug but looked okay from the front but then I saw it from the back! Where was my belt it had disappeared under back fat!! Oh my god how mortifying! Ive turned in to one of those fat birds with 10 backs. I sometimes i think I hate back fat more than my fat belly! It just kind of creeps up on you and you can look as fabulous and sucked in as you want at the front but you could be looking absolutely hideous from behind! I went to the back of my wardrobe and found an old classic beautiful green 50s style number I’d for gotten about! Fabulous, fits lovely. Fuck you back fat! I look good.

We went to Moon Sha. Me and my bro loooooove Moonsha so hoped Minge would like it too! Also Mr D hasnt been before and I thought he'd really like it. Its Japenese and I odered the beef curry. I felt like I’d not ate beef in ages!! Bloody Holy Cows! They taste good! But it wasn’t like the chicken one where it comes like southern fried chicken in a curry. It was good though, didn’t have a starter or anything so kept it simple and didn’t over indulge so plenty of room for drinking!! Drinks were pricey but we headed up to the private karaoke room. After already having a few drinks we got stuck straight in and me and my bro got the party started with some Mcfly! The drinks flowed and so did the singing. It was a good atmosphere tonight with a couple of hen parties and a couple. The problem with the place is the karaoke list fills up pretty quick and then they don’t take any more requests and then other people start stealing your songs. I went a few years ago on my birthday and by the end of the night when people were stealing our final songs I was not happy and caused a argument by drunkly saying ‘ This bird has stole my song and shes shit!’ I had to be dragged out by friends. But now I have learnt my lesson and put lots of songs down for all of us on the list early on! We didn’t need to worry though the hen parties didn’t sing much and by the end of the night us was just us and the couple and both of the guys were very good singers. We danced around being silly and having a fabulous time singing the night away. I pulled out a old song out the bang that I’d not sang for 10 years when I was a music student. I sang ‘beautiful’ and for the first time Mr D said it was the first time he’d heard me sing properly (I guess he doesn’t count me belting out a Mcfly number?!) and said I sang beautifully. My bro said it was one of my best too. Must remember this one for future! They kept saying just one more song and then they’d keep putting a few more on. It was a brilliant night. Good food, good company, good entertainment! Then I fell over in the car park .

31/08/14 Woke up not feeling too rough but Mcdonalds wrappers sprawn along the floor next to my bed remind me of the greedy drunken binge I had last night. Ugh. We ended up at 2am getting a naughty Mcdonalds on the way home. Baaaadddd. Todays my last day before I start my health kick. All diets start on a Monday right? After having 20 minutes feeling quiet spritely doing some washing, tidying up the random cocktail  concoxion and the empty bottles from last night in then started to go down hill. First the headache started and the general feeling of shitness kicked in. After going back to bed and for a few hours me and Mr D decided we better shift our asses out of bed. Feeling really crappy by this point I made it to the sofa. We both really fancied pie and chips. Not crappy pie either some good hearty crusty steak pie. Mr D went to the supermarket and came back with some Higgly Pigdly £3.50 a pie so that price they must be good? We made some homemade chips and commited the ultimate fatty sin and deep fried them but was added some peas so at least we have one of our 5 a day! After all that effort and back on the sofa with none stop ‘Bates Motel’  it was actually disappointing. The pie was pretty poor I didn’t taste any stilton there wasn’t much steak in it. The chips we’d over done a bit but we polished it all off and then just flopped on the sofa feeling sorry for myself for the next 3 hours. I could have done it all day but my parents were making us a picnic to go to Darley park Concert. I really had to drag my arse into the shower and then I hit the I’m grumpy and wish I didn’t have to leave the house stage. The fresh air actually helped and it was good filling my step dad in about India and my mum made a good picnic. Cant beat a good tuna cob when your feeling rough! Mums was still in the whoo Ive lost a stone now I’m going to eat bread stage. How is it that we recognise our flaws yet we still do them over and over again? I don’t pull my mum up on it because I want to bring up her flaws but because I don’t want her to make the mistake I make so often and undo all the hard work youve just done.  We didnt stay too long are arses were aching sitting on the floor we couldn’t hear the music that well and it was rammed. It would have been nice to see the fireworks but the thought of sitting there for another few hours just wasn’t do able. We headed home vowing to next year bring chairs and drinks and do it properly. We went straight back to the sofa ignoring todays pots and last nights cocktail pots. Fuck it today is for lazing!!

01/09/14- Wow as if its September already. All the lets get thin for summer thoughts gone and buried and now the ‘lets get thin for Christmas starts’ So much for my ‘I’ll smash in the summer holidays’ Where did the summer holidays even go? Wish I’d smashed it as soon as I’d got back from India. I now have 2 days before I go back to work. Can I get thin in 2 days? Ha. If only. Well I’ve started the morning with a green tea so thats a good start!

I nipped out this morning to pick up a Christmas present for my neice. My appointment to see my theropist was at 12. The closer I got to the time the more I really didn’t want to go. Whats the point? I really wasn’t in the mood to be talked at and to be honest I just didn’t feel like talking to people today. So I spent the day by myself pottering around B and Q sale and buying many random items. Upcycling some furniture I was quite content. I went to morrions salad bar for my lunch thinking that would be a healthy choice. I found myself filling my box with deli potatoe salad, coleslaw, cornation rice, pesto pasta and not so much of the green stuff! I bought some chicken too so to be honest I only picked at the salad box anyway. They should put the calories next to these things I bet it would have been better for me to eat a sausage roll! As I walked the dog I realised how shity I was still feeling. My body just ached, my head still stuffy, I had no energy. I don’t think going out Saturday night helped me getting better. I’d made plans to get back on it and go to Insanity today but I don’t think I’ll make it through the first 5 minutes like this! I really wanted to get back on it today but I’m not in the full of energy, motivated person I wanted to be. I couldn’t even face going to the shop tonight. Needed some bargains but just couldn’t face going. Its only the bloody local shop whats wrong with me? Sent Mr D. Hes a good egg.

Some days I’m just in a world of my own. I don’t feel sad, I don’t feel happy I kind of just zombie through the day. I don’t really want to speak to people I don’t want to have to interact with people I just want to do my own thing. I’m not sure if this is weird. I cant snap out of I just hope I’ll wake up feeling happier tomorrow.

When I fancied supper I just sat there and stared at my big fat belly. Poked it, watched the wobble.  I’m not having supper.

02/09/14 Ive woken up feeling a bit more cheerful today even if Mr Ds alarm went off at 6.40am! Cant believe its the last day of the holidays already!! Where the bloody hell have they gone?! I felt hungry early and sat in bed watching some morning TV with my scrambled eggs.

Todays shopping trip started off fantastic. I didn’t really need anything but I met up with Minge who also like a good bargain and we hit the charity shops. I got myself 2 gorgeous 40s style dresses. One was a little bit more clingy than I’d like but I am a proper fatty right now so a few weeks on it and it will look much nicer. We then hit a few sales and I could of actually bought myself quite a few things today its probably because I don’t need anything. If I had needed a dress for a event I’d of probably spent hours going round the shops and not find anything in my size and just been miserable. But that was not today!! 2 dresses, a skirt, bag, sunglasses, some hair extensions and a pressie for the mister I was pretty chuffed and we stopped for some lunch. In my chuffedness I didn’t really think of eating healthy I had panni that came with chips and washed it down with a milkshake. Thats pretty bad! I just love those milkshakes where you can pick your own chocolate to put in it. It was just too tempted and it was bloody beautiful. Snickers every time!! Mm

Minge then got it in her head that she wanted to just go and look at some wedding dresses. I wasn’t keen. She said youve got less than a year you need to get on it! I tried to explain that the thought of walking in to a wedding dres shop where I cant try on any dresses because I’m too fat and snooty shop people looking at me in that way which you know it means I’m too fat for their dresses. She mananged to convince me that we could at least just have a look and sold the idea. We found a shop that didn’t seem too bad and saw a few things I quite liked. Minge does have a point that I do need to look at some because the ideas I have in my head that I want might be completly different once Ive tried some on. The shop assistant explained that they only have the sizes they have on the hangers. Ugh . Strangley the one I picked up was in my current fat bastard size though a friend had told me recently that when it comes to wedding dress you have to have them about 3 sizes bigger. That would make me a very fat bastard size!! It was as awful as I thought. It wasn’t big enough and she couldn’t remotely do it up at the back. How could I see how it fitted properly when she was just trying to hold the back together and not doing a very good job of it! All my horrible back was hanging out no wonder she couldn’t do it up. I couldn’t tell how it would fit me on the bust so it was completly pointless. I felt absolutely horrible. Its been a while since Ive felt this fat and minging. Minge had no idea how I was feeling because shes a size 8 and could have tried on most of the dresses in there she couldn’t get her head round why I wasn’t excited. I don’t want to even think about dresses now until I’m thinner. Maybe this is the kick up the bum I needed because I couldn’t feel more disgusting right now.

I had a few tears on Mr D when he got home. I cant get married looking like this.

India part 2- 'Don't you have goose for christmas dinner?'

24/06/14 Off to our next destination Jaipur. We visited Fatipura Sikri which meant walking in the red hot sun up a hill. I had really bad stomach cramps and struggled to make it to the top! Sometimes when your hot and theres so many things to annoy its hard to take in the beauty of some of the places we were visiting. Luckily I was okay after a wee Ive never needed a loo so much. Most of the toilets when weve been out and about have been pretty bad! But theres only been one hole in the floor so that a bonus. One of the worse loos was at the Taj Mahal. The trick is just wait until you really need it and then your that desperate you don’t notice! After walking round looking at nice buildings and finding out about another important man with many wives we hit the bus for the big trek. I don’t mind having to travel as it gives me the holiday relaxing time you need. Its not like you can sunbathe here so this is the time to get some book reading in. Im on my third book already. Mostly it gives you chance to watch the world and there is so much to take in you cant pull yourself away from watching! The driver joked you only need 3 things on the roads in India - good brakes, good horn and good luck! Traffic lights are ignored. Lanes are ignored. Roundabouts mean you can go anyway you choose! Men are sleeping everywhere on their stalls, bikes, in the middle of a busy roundabout. When on a duel carriage way there was a truck parked on the side and a man was happily sleeping on the road with his head on the curb! Its normal here to have a family of 5 riding on a scooter. Buses and tuk-tuks (little car/taxi on 3 wheels) can squeeze in as many people as physically possible including hanging off the back and sitting on the roof. Driving with a smashed windscreen is fine including public transport. Nothing is too big to carry on the back of your bike/scooter. Anything can be carried on your head. Anything can be in the middle of the road. As well as the sleeping men theres stray dogs, the holy cows, a family of pigs have just crossed the road infront of me on a zebra crossing. A zebra crossing wont help you here my little friends! Is it bad I find myself feeling really sorry for the stray dogs and donkeys even more than the people?

We stopped for lunch but none of us were hungry. At breakfast I was thinking how I could smuggle out some of the lovely pastries as they always look so nice but I never fancy a doughnut at breakfast time. Its not like being at a normal hotel in most countries where i happily fill my bag full of goodies for the road but here theres so many waiters hovering around its just not possible. Like the head waiter was reading my mind he bought me a bag to put pastries in so we’d all had elevenses on the bus with slighty sweaty pastries. We didn’t fancy the restaurant but there was a little shop that sold hobnobs and Pringles! Perfect just what I fancied. Get in!! The shop looked a little bit shifty and there were a little bit bashed up but we were happy for something plain. Our friends weren’t as lucky they’d opened the box and the wrapper was slightly open, the box didn’t look in very good condtion either. They gave them away to the boy selling squares of toilet roll as you enter the loo. We drove away seeing him and his family devouring them!

We arrived to quite a different city much cleaner and less poor people. Our hotel was modern but didn’t have the same appeal as the last one. The host spoke so quick but very quiet none of us had any idea what he said! We needed a cash machine  and went for a walk over the road where there was a shopping mall with a pizza hut, Mcdonalds, a cinema and even a tattoo parlour. It was full of westernisd young people, very modern. A very different atmosphere. We only had time for a quick rest before we were picked up to go for dinner with a local Rajastani family. Mr D thought it would just be a family business so we were surprised and apprehensive as we pulled up at somebodies house! We sat there quite nervously at first as we tried to make chit chat. It was a nice house and we quickly learnt that all the men in their family had gone to boarding school so we knew they were well off. Their son was a show off and told us how good he was at gymnastics and polo. He would come out with things like ‘Don’t you go hunting?’ ‘Dont you have goose for Christmas dinner?’ What are we in a Charles Dickens novel? He took us to see photos of his grandfather in his polo outfit and didn’t seem pleased when I steered off the subject to ask about the lizard on the wall that I found fascinating. I’m not used to just seeing lizards on the wall okay?! The dad was much nicer than him and their chef gave us a cookery lesson on Indian food. Trying simple food they’d just made infront of us. It was funny as the dad kept taking over what the chef was doing and it was intresting as they taught us what spices went best with the different types of curry. Though after a bit I was just bloody starving and wanted some grub. When he passed out the vegetable pakoras we were about ready to pass out. Mr D kept sneekly grabbing an extra one. After sampling for a while we sat down for dinner. Their waiting staff bought food out. They only bought one bowl of everything out so we all put a small bit on our plate with only a tablespoon of rice before we realise the staff will just keep filling it up! They told us how the people that lived in the South of India were the only place that had rice so they would have curry and rice where as the Indians in the North would just have roties and curry. They also only have rice with certain curries and roties with the other. Strange to think when at home everybody shovels rice, curry and nan bread and not to mention the none Indian onion bhaji (meaning onion onion, as bhaji is indian for onion already) which doesn’t exsisit here! As we politely didn’t eat too much food their cocky son told us exaggerated stories with really long pauses that I can only assume was for effect as all their English was very good. He was telling us a very long story about once he cooked a chicken underground and said things like ‘Oh you came here on a commercial plane, Ive never been on one of those but I did fly a plane for the government once’ his dad corrected him and said ‘youve only ever flown a remote control airoplane’ His dad was amusing and would put him in his place. He told us intresting stories of how his Grandad took the Kings Ashes to the river gangues but on the way he died so they gave him a village. They still own that village, who bloody owns a village?? Took us a while to find a way of politely asking to leave but our driver was already ready and waiting for us! We nipped into our hotel bar for a chat about the evening over a cocktail. We laughed about the son but we all had a really good time, learnt new things and had some yummy food. An experience alot of people wouldn’t be able to have. After the bar staff annoyly kept asking us questions about football and other ‘English’ things and taking a group photo of us all (on his phone) we were told the bar was closing. It was bloody 10.30 were supposed to be on holiday!!

25/08/14- We got up for our tour a little earlier than usual which is a much cooler start. We stopped off to look at a nice building but I was much more interested in the snake charmers I saw. I thought they were fake at first the way the snake swayed out of the basket but they were bloody real! Amazing! We headed for our elephant ride up to the Amber Fort. I’d previously been really excited about this until Mr D had told me he’d looked it up and would be too hot to do in August. Well at 9.30am it was fine whoop! It was amazing the beautiful dressed up elephants all plodding up the hill in a line. The views were amazing as we were going up hill and could see out over everywhere. The hawkers didn’t stop though. Hanging around the elephant shit at the hope of flogging you something. Mr D was getting really pissed off with one guy that followed us the whole 20 minute journey and just not giving up. As it happens he was selling nice carved elephants out of wood by the time we got to the top we’d got a really good deal! I do like a good bargain even in India! If you act uninterested and let them get the price right down you can get some bargains I really wanted the hand sewn elephant blanket for my neice but the guide told me we were going to a market later and there would be lots. It was a beautiful place and we had plenty of touristy photos of us and the views. I had a glance back and realised how disgusting I looked. Mr D was looking gorgeous with his new rugged bearded look and i just looked like a sweaty fat blob. I tried to listen to the tour guide but my mind kept drifting to how disgusting I looked and instantly regretted the sneaky square of marble cake I had after my eggs on toast for breakfast.

We did some more sight seeing and then we pulled up at a fabric shop which was obviously again one of their mates. We were then told about how fantastic the prints were on the fabric, this is how they do it and now we’ll take you in the shop to buy things! Mr D bought a sheet but he picked one to match the colours of the bedroom bless him. They then tried to sell him a nice suit becasue of cause he needs a suit in bloody 45 degreese! and me a sari. No thanks! Dont get me wrong if I had a reason to wear one I'd be all up for that I'd love to go to a wedding out here. I'm not sure we could get away with that unless they just think were celbrities and invite us in?! Apparently they do invite about 500 of their closest friends? 5 bloody hundred?! Nah. I just smiled politely and scuttled out the door without buying anything. I think Ive been pretty polite this holiday considering the amount of people trying to piss me off! The tour guide then wanted to take us to a jewlers. No we don’t want to see how the locals put a jewl in to a chain then spend the next hour trying to flog it to us! We managed to polielty refuse which he didn’t seem to chuffed about but he then took us to the Observatory that Mr D was really looking forward to! The heat had really kicked up a gear and I was struggling to focus. We saw the largest sun dial in the world and I didn’t take much in for that. Mr D got told off for climbing up something he wasn’t supposed to. Why have steps if you cant climb them? Anything after  12 and I am done. We were all overheating but we still spent the next hour and a half looking at a weapons museum and some old clothing behind glass. We all tried to look interested but were so hungry and so happy when he finally said lets go for lunch. Another Indian buffet but we were all so ravenous we didn’t care any earlier thoughts I had about how fat I was looking went out the window when I was tucking into a variety of different curries and mopping it up with a naan! Over indulged as usual and only for a fiver! We then went back to the hotel apparently the market we thought we were going to was the fabric place. Damn knew I should have bought the elephant blanket!

When we got back me and Mr D nipped over the road to have a look at cinema times as we fancied ourselves a bit of bollywood! It would be rude not too right? Unfortunatley there wasn’t anything just the Expendables 3 in Hindu and some weird film about a dog. They don’t even like bloody dogs over here! Amongst all the happy shopping teenagers were a few begger girls and I mean girls, they looked around age 7. What makes me so sad they don’t ask for money. This young girl was asking for a banana and shampoo and even a pen. I dint know if they genuinely would like a banana. If we gave one of our homeless people a piece of fruit half of them would throw it back at you. I gave her an apple not sure how she’d react. She had the biggest smile on her face and held it up like a trophy. It actually broke my heart. I then had a crowd of young girls around me and when I pulled a sweaty bag of sweets I’d put in my bag for Mr D on the aeroplane they started clawing at my arms. I gave the bag to the smallest girl there and then got out of there. I walked off watching them share out the sweaty sweets wishing I could do more. How can I be staying right across the road and have unlimited breakfast of fresh eggs and bread and these girls are right outside wanting a sweet! We then headed up to the roof top pool for some relaxing time! It was on the 7^th floor so looked out over the whole city and we had it all to ourselves. There seems to be mostly business folk in the hotels we were staying at so they were not interested in the pools. After playing around and making up stories of the views and towers being made of cheese. We played around Mr D lifting me out of the water and giving me shoulder rides. I promised him this time next year on our honeymoon  I’ll be much lighter. He doesn’t care if I am or not as long as I’m happy. I decided I wanted to get pissed because I hadn’t yet and hit the 5pm happy hour on a mission! Mr D had took a while getting ready so we were later than I had wanted to be. It was shit in there no music and the service was slow even though it was dead. They seemed to be making jokes about us as they were looking over and laughing at us. I checked I didn’t have a bogie or my skirt tucked into my knickers. No they were just rude! After 4 double vodkas in a hour me and Mr D giggling about the photos we’d taken of us imitating pictures around the hotels, I was much happier. I realised the happy hour was a bit of a scam and I was getting one shot free and having to pay loads for every orange juice so decided I wasn’t wasting anymore money. Stuff your happy hour! We went to find our friends and had a few cocktails before heading out to find something to do! Jaipur had felt the safest place so we wanted to go out and do something! We checked out the other shopping mall but there was not much to do there, no bars around the place and decided it wasn’t the best idea to get on a tuck-tuck and say take us somewhere intresting! So by 10pm we ended up happy, slightly merry and sitting in pizza hut! We didn’t even eat much, mine had a strange chilli cheese crust which was just a bit sloppy. We headed back to bed. We kept the curtains open as we had a beautiful view of all the lights across the city. I fell asleep lying on Mr Ds chest looking at the view. Life is good.

26/8/14- We had the big journey back to Delhi today. Unfortuantley we didn’t get a free pastry bag this time. Mr D can only manage jam on toast for brekkie his stomach has been a little off. The music in the restaurant is awful. A woman warbling over and over again we genulinly wasn’t sure if it was supposed to be like that or the CD was stuck.  Before we left I ran over the main road to see if I could see the poor girls but they weren’t there. I’d made up a food parcel of soft hobnobs and left over pizza with a few of the last Pringles. Mr D said who wants pizza out of your handbag? I replied ‘people who are stavring’  I also made up a parcel with soaps, shampoo and a pencil and paper but couldn’t find anyone to give it too! We startd our 6 hour journey, no guide or tours today. I felt a little rough its hard to tell if its dehydration, over indulgence, the heat or the vodkas! I also had a heat rash appearing well I’m hoping its a heat rash and I’m not dying of maleria or something! You need to be drinking so much water here but when your on the bus for hours this only leads to one thing! Its okay if your a male you can just wee at the side of the road but not for us ladies! I had to go and wee in a hole in the floor! Avoiding the wee on the floor and aiming right was quite a task! The journey was still amazing its the only time you really get to take in the sites and its a safe place to stare at people and not get harresed! The down side is you cant get any good photos of the streets and the people. The bustle and the craziness I’d love to capture a pic and take it home. You can see anything on the streets. Stalls selling all sorts of food, freshly squeezed juice, flower garlands. People grilling corn on the cobs at the side of the road. Little hairdressers set up just a mirror and chair needed. Monkeys, cows, donkeys, camels, goats, pigs just mixed in with the crowds. I was really fascinated by the wildlife here and on more than one occasion I interrupted a guide to shout ‘oo did you see that green parrot’ or ‘wow look at those chipmunks’ I guess I would have liked to have been told more about th way people live now and not just the history. Even though outside the nicest hotels there are still holes in the pavement and poor people. You can see the different areas as you drive through. In the poorest parts it was normal to see a guy taking a shit at the side of the street or for someone sleeping on the pavement with a chunk of concrete as a pillow.. The stalls were scummier you’d never even be tempted to eat from one of them. We saw a dead sheep on the pavement where 2 men were having a chat right next to it and didn’t even bat an eyelid. A stall selling deep fried goods right next to it. Maybe he was up next. Deep fry him and cover him in sugar and he would be good to eat! As the areas got nicer the stalls would look cleaner and more colourful selling fabrics and other goods. The children would wave as we passed and some of them look genuinely excited just to see our faces. Its hard to get away from looking English when I’m pasty and ginger and have lived in my scrappy converse all week because they are the comfiest thing I own! The other couple have dark hair and olive skin and have been mistaken for Spanish and Italian a few times. Not us.

The views became more rural and instead of seeing tiny homes made of stacked up bricks with a piece of scrap metal on the top or tents made of a piece of plastic anything they could get their hands on really you could now see mud and straw huts. No matter which part you are in you can see beautiful places of worship, statues and monuments even in the middle of a field in the middle of no where. We stopped for lunch and we were all very boring and just had some fries our bodies craving something plain and boring. Ive found myself eating and drinking things I don’t normally like at home. Maybe its the familiarity fanta, sprite and even frankfurters for breakfast. I hate frankfurters but I found myself 2 days in a row picking them over chickpeas and naans for breakfast. You don’t seem to get starters in India. We once ordered a onion bhaji and it was a strange onion curry with some bread. Baji means onion so were actually ordering a ‘onion onion please’

We were happy to arrive to a hotel we recognised in aa area we kind of knew back at the start in New Delhi. It was quite a different feeling to when we arrived just over a week earlier now we were much more confident. We wanted to make the most of our last night and went straight to the pool. It was 5.30 so the weather had cooled nicely so we spent an hour having hoverboard competitions standing on floats. There wasn’t the gawping faces around this time until I noticed the work men. Some were quite close doing up the outside of the bottom floors and some were right up near the tenth floor but they’d all stand still and gawp. It was like they’d never seen swimwear before it was odd! Mr D thought they were wearing colinders on their heads but we realised a few of them wore special hats they could carry things on their heads with. Many of them didn’t bother. They had no ropes or safety gear when they were on scaffolding 10 stories high. A couple of guys weren’t even working they were lounging about lying on a scaffolding pole in the sky! Absolutly crazy!

We got ready and met our friends in the bar had a few drinks and decided to eat in the hotel as its the best food weve eaten since being here. It didn’t disappoint we indulged in different curries and the restaurant manager sending away the waiter with normal naan bread and ordering us a special kind of cheese and coriander naan bread that apparently you can only get in India. The pudding display was amazaing and you could pick as many as you liked. I was very English and had a little lemon tart and a piece of chocolate roll. Both truely delicious. I could of probably squeezed in another but didn’t want to be the fat bastard of the group who wanted more pudding! It cost about £20 with booze which is really good as the quality is top notch. We paid as little as £5 for some of the buffets and bought branded pop for as little as 30p, shows how much they must make out of us in England! Obviously drinks prices vary everywhere as some people try to swindle you. They see us as walking cash machines. We sometimes had to pay triple to get in places what the locals paid and they just saunter past paying pennies!

We had one more drink in the bar before calling it a night. Originally we were going to try and do something exciting on our last night like venture out and go to a show but turns out we were just happy eating good food and having a few drinks with new friends. We said our goodbyes which was actually quite sad. We’d been very lucky that we’d been on tour with such a nice couple. They had similar jobs and were engaged like us and she shared my love for the homewear section at TK Maxx so must be a good person. They were intresting and we could of easily been with some boiring old folks that wanted to go to the jewlerry factory as we saw no other young English couples. Must be why they wanted to take our photo so much!

27/8/14- Strange waking up thinking tonight we’ll be in our own bed and having our own clean toilet! I look forward to that! For breakfast I could not take anymore weird concotions and had waffles with syrup. Looked good but I’ll be happy to get back to normal breakfasts! Followed by a little pastry! Well might as well make the most of it and enjoy the hotel goodies one last time! Mr D went to the loo and the waiter approached me. He wanted to know if I was an actress as he thought he’d seen me in a movie. I said ‘no’ He said ‘somebody must look like you’ I thought bloody hell another fat, ginger tattooed lady? Dont think they’ll need another to be a movie star then! He told me how wonderful the flowers in my hair looked last night. If theres any pale single fat girls out there get yourself to India. The men seem to love us!

We nipped to the cahs machine and I took my poor packages I’d made up as I’d still not seen any. There was no poor folk around. There never seemed to be in the morning, it was the only time the streets were quiet. I put the packages on a bench in the square and as I walked away a stray dog was there instantly. I was happy with that as long as it helped something that was hungry. Hope he didn’t eat the soap.

In the taxi to the airport I felt sad trying to drink in the last bit of India but we were just in the usual mad traffic. I saw some traffic police had stopped someone and wondered what craziness it would take to be pulled up by traffic police here. We wandered around the airport with our last bit of money wishing we’d bought presents from the street men that were 10 times cheaper. Thought it would be amusing to buy my neice a book on becoming a Hindu just incase. I got my bro a book on naked statues and paintings in India. The drawing were quite graphic and I got the German version as it was on sale for £2. He doesn’t speak German but I’m sure he’ll love it. The airport was full of traveller stereotypes. Young rich kids wearing massive parachute trousers usually with a nice elephant design. Patchwork embroided bags and friendship bands. Either dreadlocks or scratty unbrushed hair. They came from all over but all fell under the same sterotype just like in the Inbetweeners 2. Amusing. It was lunch time so we grabbed a Mcdonalds and it was like a spicy KFC burger. It was the spiciest thing I’d eaten since we’d been in India!

I’m glad Mr D had paid extra for the flights. Ive never been on something so fancy. Spacious, head rest, foot rest, fold out table and just 2 of us to a row. Our friends were on the original flight and had a awful experience swapping flights in Abu-dabi. I didn’t like to ask where that was I’m guessing it was somewhere hot but to me it sounded like somewhere in Wales! I don’t think i can ever go back to shitty ryan air again.

Its easily been the most amazing experience of my life. I’m not eager to book somewhere equally amazing for our honeymoon next year. After that who knows when babies will be on the horizon. I regret not doing something amazing until this point in my life but maybe I was waiting to have Mr D by my side.

Goodbye India.

India part 1- 'No I don't want 10 keyrings of the Taj Mahal'

20/08/14 The heat hit me as soon as  I stepped off the plane. It was like a big muggy humid wave, like I’d just walked into a sauna. As we walked out of the airport it was crazy, a sea of people infront of us asking ‘do you want a taxi lady?’, ‘taxi?’ So many people trying to get your attention, so many signs for different people and somehow we didn’t notice a sign with my name on it for the first 10 minutes when it was right in front of us amongst the chaos. The heat made me feel sick and I struggled travelling to the hotel. I read my book to try and take my mind off it whilst taking peeks of the crazy horn beeping, car swerving roads around me. A Buddha bopping his head at the front of the car. Normally Iam a firm atheist but right then I was praying to all the Gods in this crazy place. Scrawny fingers would appear through the traffic and smog tapping on your window with books and keyrings on them and voices shouting ‘buy!’. The landscapes were so mixed up you’d have beautiful gardens next to piles of rubbish and rubble with pieces of plastic on top of a roof. Beautiful buildings popping up next to rubbled homes. The poor and rich seemed to mingle together everywhere. There was no divide. Big posh hotel next to a row of half built, half falling down houses where people lived and sold food out of. There was men everywhere! Stalls on the sides of the streets, lying snoozing everywhere. Driving the three wheeled scooter cars whizzing past. So busy, so crowded but it was all men! This was so odd and kind of a bit intimidating. When we finally pulled up it was all a little scary. Lots of security checks but if all else fails we where next door to Mcdonalds and Pizza Hut.

The hotel was big and posh in a dated swirly carpets 60s kind of way. We were surrounded by men trying to help us. A little man with a giant moustache wrestled with our bags twice the size of him.  I drifted off to sleep as soon as my head hit the pillow on the hugggge bed. The lack of sleep had hit me. My stomach still felt a bit dodgey so I ate a packet of pickled onion space raiders and a rocky bar. I felt like Karl Pilkington. We ventured out next to the hotel there was a small square of shops and street food stalls. Busy, lots of flies, the floor was unevenand an old man looked like he was dying in the middle of the pavement. A mixture of business men in suits and begger children trying to get our attention. We didn’t stay out long, so many flies and filth around us. Nothing looked clean so we decided not to eat out there and quickly scrambled back to the hotel. Its a pretty posh and snazzy hotel with a huge lobby and sweeping staircases I was worried about the price to eat here!  I’d heard they charged what tax they wanted and would just add all these different extras on at the end. We ordered a few different dishes but nothing crazy. The food was delicious, spicy without steam coming out of your ears. It felt healthy too not like Indian food at home where your plate has a whole puddle of oil at the bottom and your nan bread drips with it. The puddings were little bite size ones and I couldn’t resist a couple of little chocolatey numbers. Well I am holiday after all! With the millions of extra taxes  it came to £34 which was really good for the quality of the food, booze and they gave us the pudding for free! Whoop free pud!!

After a quick visit to the bar we crashed and burned pretty early!

1/08/14 When the alarm went off at 7 am it did not feel like I’d slept much even when the bed was super cosey. Breakfast was interesting all sorts of random things.  We managed to get some scrambled eggs and a bit of bacon next to the curry, chicken patties and steak?! We felt satisfied but not over full. I didn’t even go to the pastry counter even though I could see trays of delightful coissants, doughnuts and Danish pastries. We went to meet the guy for our first tour of New Delhi and Old Delhi  starting with a huge temple and where Ghandi was cremated.

We were lucky that it was an air conditioned small bus and we were with another young English couple. The heat was crazy straight away, at first I tried to stay covered up. I was trying to remember the things I’d read. Tattoos are frowned upon, too much leg, cleavage, public signs of affection! It took about 2 hours before I thought fuck it and got my tats out. People were staring at us anyway so it didn’t really matter. We visited many places. Extravegent beautiful buildings and we got to go on a 20 minute rickshaw ride around the market. A chance to be amoungst the hustle and bustle of it all.  We had the scrawniest guy cycling me and Mr D round on like a little cart behind him. He must have been gutted when he saw he had us and not the other couple who were about 10 stone lighter than us. It was good as you manged to get close to the stalls and smell all the wonderful smells of flowers, insence and freshly squeezed fruit juice. It was also a much safer way to travel as we would just be hassled constently if we were walking round. As the journey went on the cyclist started pointing at places like ‘cinema’ obviously trying to impress us so we’d give him a better tip. Sorry chap but pointing out a cinema isn’t really going to cut it. As the journey went on he started saying ‘hard work!’ Yes mate you might as well be saying ‘you fat bastards’ When Mr D gave him a tip at the end (bear in mind he’d already been paid by the travel company to take us) he wanted more of a tip! I had to walk away I was so annoyed. You don’t tell us you want more of a tip! Espically as you're just basically telling us we're fat bastards!! Cheeky git.

At meal times its so hard not to over indulge here. Its not like you can just have a salad or a sandwhich. I did okay I just ordered some tandoori and a roti so it was kind of a deconstructed sandwhich. After 2pm the temperature was crazy hot, no smog today so the sun felt strong. People kept taking photos of us. It was weird everybody would stare and some people would get really close and take a photo. Some tried to be sneaky, lets pretend I’m taking a photo of my mate and casually go a bit more to the left and some were just blantly obvious. I asked the guide why and he said they think pale skin is beautiful here. Whoo get pasty me, no make up, hair shoved up , sweaty and ‘beautiful’

We got back and risked going for a swim. The pool was nice and private with a calming waterfall and bubble jets which was quite relxing considering how close we were to the hustle and bustle. I don’t like getting my kit off at the best of times but I deffo don’t like taking my dress off infront of 5 men staring at me and I mean blantly staring. I also reaslised I’d not picked the best swim suit! I’d gone for a flattering (well as flattering as you can get for a fatty swimsuit), very busty number to take the emphasis away from my fat belly! Its hard to get a plus size swimsuit thats not low cut. I’m hardley going to wear a speedo one up to my neck. Actualy I don’t expect speedo do plus sizes! I dashed into the water as quick as possible!

We went upstairs to get ready and I was pottering round the room in the buff when I saw a mans face at the window!! Were on the bloody 5^th floor! By the time I grabbed a towel he’d vanished and we’d noticed scaffolding had appeared outside the window. Well I wont make that mistake again!! We then hit happy hour. I managed to get 4 cocoktails in before dinner. Dinner was buffet, I tried a bit of most of the curries but none of them were hot. The veggie ones were the best ,a nice lental dahl and green spinachy paneer one. I saved room for a little bit of pud and had a little lemon tart and ice cream. The ice cream was disappointing as everything else is soo damn tasty! I got excited when I saw butterscotch  but it was more like honeycomb. People should not mess with my ice cream! I never learn my lesson, food indulgence always means I don’t want to drink. I only had a water at the bar what a cop out!

22/8/14- Had a really good nights sleep but woke up with a little bit of a dodgy belly. Not major, Mr D was worse but seemd okay after spending time in the bathroom and popping some pills. We then started our 5 hour trip to Agra. Which would prob take about 2 hours in England but the roads are crazy. Apparently it would be dangerous to follow the rules on the road because nobody else does. The only thing any of the drivers stop for is the cows! Cows do what they want because they are sacred. Doesnt matter if you nearly take out a scooter with a family of 5 on as long as the holy bloody cows are safe! It was nice though we had our new friends with us and I had my book to finish....it took about 5 hours.

 A few things I don’t understand here are why they don’t like tattoos when the ladies are covered in henna? Its not like we have all got flaming skulls and the word cunt written on our foreheads?! The other thing is that we cant show much skin as it is frowned upon. Why is that when most of the ladies here, of all shapes and sizes have fabric just about covering their busts and have their whole guts hanging out? You wouldn’t catch me with my gut out thats for sure! Then theres the thing about no public affection. When the men here are always touching each other. Walking around holding hands, draped all over each other, holding each other?! Hmm

I craved something plain to eat. I’m only 3 days in and could already kill for a tuna subway and packet of ready salted crisps! The new hotel was beautiful, I quickly nipped to the loo and came back and everyone was sitting with bindies on their heads. Suited Mr D ;) Started with a disappointing lunch where I just picked at some rice, bread and paneer. This hotel was more modern and it had a fantastic pool. It was set in beautiful gardens and didn’t feel like just out the front was a city that looked like a bomb had hit it.

We added an extra trip this evening which is pretty good as the travel company are happy to take us on extras. We went to the back view of the Taj Mahal where with our new buddies we sat on a wall and watched the sun go down. It was so chilled and beautiful if you ignored the crowd of locals that hovered behind you and clung tight to your handbag. I have started to get used to the poor people bothering us. To be honest most aren’t beggers their just trying to sell you keyrings, jewlerry, a dusty old fridge magnet. I cant help but feel bad for them but whens there too many I do snap and tell them not to be so damn rude and to get out of peoples faces! Its everywhere you go ‘No I don’t want 10 keyring of the Taj Mahal’

We got back on the mini bus just before it got dark. This is the only time you really get to see the ladies come out. Colourful women appear amoungst the grey rubble all dressed imacutly in their colourful saris instantly brightening the place up carrying piles of twigs and pots on their heads.

We went back and got showered and changed for dinner. I bought my white dress with a fitted band around the middle knowing it fits snugly and it would be best for me to wear it at the start of the week. It fitted snugger than I’d hoped already showing signs of the pounds creeping on. Part of the stitches had come undone on the strap so I couldn’t wear it anyway so I tried on the nice blue dress I’d only worn once. It clung to my middle and I looked fat and lumpy and horrible. I could of only have worn it if I’d breathed in all night and thats before I’d even eaten. Disapointed I went for a safe option dress.

It was a nice evening of cocktails and lamb curry. It was the first time I’d eaten anything with heat in it. Strange really you’d assume everything would be hot in India.

23/8/14 Breakfast has been so weird in India. They try really hard at provide some English food but its just really odd. Stir fry veg and beef stroganoff? Yep thats right they have served beef stroganoff for breakfast everywhere weve been. I’ll give that a miss thanks, luckily they had scrambled eggs.

Today was the big one, off to the Taj Mahal! We had a horse and carridge ride to get there. The travel company were really good with including all the extras in like that, couldn’t really fault them! It was truely amazing and our tour guide told us all about the love story of how it was built and it was genuinely interesting. Me and Mr D tried to find a nice spot in the shade just to chill and admire the view. Unfortuantely this did not last more than a couple of minutes. It started with a family that stuck their shy daughter between us for a photo. Then the groups of men started surrounding us constantly taking our photo. Some asking, some just taking it anyway I was starting to get really annoyed. Its 45 degreese heat I do not need people pissing me off.

As the days go on in India by each afternoon I start getting light headed and restless. By the time we made it to the red fort I was light headed, delirous and swearing like a pig. Why would I choose to get my fringe put in before going to India. It was glued to my forehead. This may have been a good look in the 90s but it was not looking good right now! I didn’t take in anything the guide was telling me and decided I would be the tour guide and tell the story of Aladin. ‘If you look out at the view you can see the Taj Mahal. The Palace as Aladdin would call it. This is where he slept, he liked to look over at the palace. ‘Some day Abu, we’ll be rich, live in a palace and never have any problems at all’

After standing in the crazy heat for longer constantly getting harassed like we were famous for just being pasty! We got back to the bus and were taken to a marble factory. I thought it was dodgy straight away. It was basically so the tour guides mate could sell us some stuff. Everythings linked to the Taj Mahal like thats going to make us tourists want to buy it more. ‘This is the marble used in the Taj Mahal. These men who are making the marble are the mens family who made he Taj Mahal’ Mate saying the Taj Mahal in every sentence is not going to make me buy anything!! I just looked and nodded and made the most out of my free diet coke. I went off to the loo and it made me gag over and over again it stunk but I couldn’t stop mid flow! I was over heating, felt sick and needed air. I managed to get outside. Men everywhere trying to flog me things, in my face! Some of the marble workers beckoned me over. I was cautious but Mr D said they were being kind. They gave me a seat in the cool room and it took approx 2 minutes before they were trying to flog us bits of marble on the side. I went back outside noticing a group of men staring at us. One of them came over and started unlocking a padlock to a kind of shed on the side saying ‘come in here’ No thanks!! No dark room gang rapes for us today!! We quickly crossed over and hid by the mini bus and luckily set off shortly after. Its sad to think that everybody that is nice to you here is just out to get your money.

When we got back back to the hotel we had a nice cold shower and embarrassingly managed to order a tuna sandwhich in the hotel. I felt fine. The tuna was a bit odd and slightly warm but I was happy not to be eating  something curry related. We then spent the next 3 hours by the pool. It was pretty much the 4 of us. Swimming, relaxing, reading and even a cheeky glass of wine. I was in paradise.

The tour company had recommended a restaurant for dinner as we really didn’t fancy eating in this hotel. They would take us anywhere. It was like we had our own chauffer drive us round in our little air conditioned bus. ‘Good evening Kamel, take us to the restaurant please’ ‘No problem mam’ I looked at the menu but it all looked the same. It all just seemed so samey all the time, I didn’t fancy any of it! I  just told Mr D he could choose. It was a bit odd as there was only 4 of using the whole restaurant and 12 male members of staff lulling around us. You don’t really get any peace when your eating or drinking. The waiters are always there hovering behind us.

We followed it with a cheeky drink or 2 at the bar and then hit our massive bed. Off to jaipur tomorrow..