Suck me in undies

10/11/14 I eat, sleep and dream caravan!! I was partly hoping I wouldn’t be needed for supply but knew I could do with the extra cash for Christmas. I got the phone call but went to work just for the morning. I dashed around and munched a couple of boiled eggs on the way. I quite like just doing the morning it went really quick even thought I didn’t know the class well. I picked my mum up on the way back from work. Got to get her working hard on the sewing. The red curtains I got for £3 turned out the perfect size and mum worked really hard upholstering the bottoms of the sofa/bed. I put polka dot vinyl on the top of the table and the the 2 small tables and added lots of pretty accessories. Luckily our house is already brimming full of goodies so a few less in the house wouldn’t be a problem. A few baskets in, bunting, cushions and hanging hearts and it was looking brilliant!! Even though the top cushions aren’t finished I put the fabric over the top and everything in place for when Mr D got home. His words were ‘is it just covered in hanging hearts?’ Well yes but perfectly positioned hearts. He then spent the next hour  putting back on all the cupboard doors and it looked amazing! Not quite done but absolutely fucking wicked for 3 days!! To top it off we had a yummy sausage stew that had been in the slow cooker all day. Made another veggie mash (much better than yesterdays) It was fab and the butter beans really a great touch. I really wanted another cookie for supper dunked into my milk allowance. I did have enough syns but really want to have less syns this week so I opted for 2 of my rolo cakes in milk microwaved. The milk did go a little chocolaty, the cake wasn’t great but was an okay evening treat. Good day, will save my cookie until after weigh in. Hope it will still be soft!

11/11/14 Got up early and was supposed to be writing the first chapter of my book and the synopsis for it for a competition on This Morning. I look back at my original blog now and they are short and mainly focussed on my exercise classes and how Im feeling. There was no detail on my day, cooking or all the million things every day that tempt me to stray off my diet. I had no idea how much they had changed. For the good I hope. I wrote about 2 lines then procrastinating I went off to buy goodies for the caravan. I just wanted some storage baskets and some pretty hooks to hang things from but couldn’t find any in my usual bargain shops!! I may have to do the tempting fabulous thing I shouldn’t do when Im skint. Go to T K Maxx homewear!! Ooo that excites me nearly as much as a chocolate hobnob!! That will have to be another time as I needed to get home and do lunch and some of my book before work. I did a bit more but I really wasn’t in the mood. I had leftover stew and veggy mash for lunch, the plate felt so heavy. Its weird how thinking this heavy plate of stodgy healthy winter goodness is healthier than a sandwich? After that I went off to work.  Busy night at work which I ended up eating a carrot cake and grazing! Why do I graze the night before weigh in?? I know its because in my head I still have syns left which I did on purpose to lose an extra 1lb but know I bloody eat them instead!! For fucks sake!!

12/11/14 I was fast off when my alarm went off this morning it was dark and warm Mr D was still in bed and I really didn’t want to get out. I quickly showered threw my hair in a bun. I’d put a soup mixture in the slow cooker the day before (because I’d bought it for 10p and didn’t want to waste it) with some stock and in my half asleep state thought it would be a good idea to put some Bulgar wheat, green beans and cherry tomatoes in for when I got back. Im super organised even when Im not even fully awake. I went off to work and forgot my yogurt for breakfast again. Well there was no way i was going to let myself have toast this week after last nights little much. Luckily I had a emergency orange at the bottom of my bag and had that with a fruit tea. I was naughty and had another cheeky weigh in. I know its bad but it prepares me for whats going to happen. I’d rather know in advance when Im on my own than in front of everybody luckily it was looking pretty good and fingers crossed I’d be beneath the next stone bracket. I was feeling pretty hungry by the time I was off to get weighed. There were 3 cookies left in the bag but I thought that was a little bit much. Dont want to be binging now do I? So just took the 2 with me for after my Bulgar wheat with veggies and chicken breast which had actually fluffed up nicely. I arrived early today and had a chance for a good natter with the ladies. L was telling us how much she’d ate after weigh in last week, hotdogs, chocolate and a large dominoes pizza which was about 170 syns alone!! She then had to be mega good for the rest of the week. Im not sure I could do that. I like a treat at the weekends way too much and they’d be none of that if I had a naughty Wednesday! She said its hard because her partner thinks she lost enough weight and brings back cakes and wants to go out for dinner. I can only imagine how hard this must be! Im lucky how supportive Mr D is but to be honest this diet really hasn’t affected our lives much. I went up to get weighed and was really chuffed to have lost 2.5! Only a pound off my next half a stone!! Im going to smash right through that this week. Me and L have said were going to stay in touch all week cut down on syns and eat loads of veggies!! Really need to be good this week with being away the weekend after. Not having take away or alcohol must have really helped this week. I may of snacked a lot but I know exactly the amount of syns in the snacks which can be unclear with take aways. The woman next to me said, ‘I love swearing. I love swearing  and alcohol’ ha I like her. Off I went with a big smile on my face and I had a choice to use my hands to hold my big hood up from the rain or get wet and enjoy my cookies. I chose the latter. I went off to work with the aim of no snacking. I like Wednesdays at work its a good night. With my more casual approach to eating on weigh in day I didn’t go for jacket potato for dinner I went all out and had quorn hot dog in a white bun and a chocolate rice crispy cake for pudding. Not awful or anything but I should probably not get into bad habits. I went home for a hot choc and snickers. Mmmm been so long since Ive had a snickers. The chocolate nutty goodness was just soooooo good.

13/11/14 I was much more in the mood this morning to do my book. My step bro very nicely edited my grammar for me. I had a couple of boiled eggs with some spaghetti not great but I was hungry and had no yogurts in. Then I went for my naughty trip to TK Maxx Homewear, I almost did a little sex wee when I saw all the lovelies. I bought some new hooks a nice little metal number for the kitchen. I also picked a couple of herb boxes cheap at hombase which I wanted to nail to the wall for storage. Herbs will come in handy too. It was then time for my counselling session. I bloody love my counsellor she makes me feel like a good person! An intelligent person that knows what they want and where there going in life. Is that really me? I need her by my side all the time telling me how fab i am ha ha! Told her about my good week and the caravan . She said it was a fab idea and compared it to Prozac. A little pick me up when i fancy it. When Im stressed i can just sod off and relax for the weekend. After 3 weeks shes got me completely sussed out. We were talking about how Im either really happy or really low and no in between she said this is often the case for people with big personalities who like to live life to the full. I didn’t really go into any bad stuff this week I didn’t want to think about any. I know I will have to at some point.

I went to work daydreaming about how amazing it would be if I won the book competition. You just never know. So its Thursday which is carb eating day. Not spuds today but pasta!! I had pasta with passata, onion, chilli, garlic and spinach with one low fat sausage. I thought I had 2 left but no only one so wasn’t great. I made it in a hurry and was trying to eat it and send off my book entry at the same time. Disappointing. After the usual cake and McDonald's avoidance at work this afternoon in ‘the cake class’ I made a pasta snack. I know its not good to be snacking on pasta but I didn’t want to use my syns and I didn’t have much to use! I had half a bag of mushroom packet pasta with half a tin of sweetcorn  with a table spon of light phili.

Off we went to the circus. Opening act was a clown called Nicolato whos big amazing act was balancing his hat on his back and flicking it on his head?!  When they announced the acrobats from Kazachstan I was hoping for 3 Borats but Im pretty sure Borat didn’t have a rat tail Platte going down his back with a nice mullet style on top. There was also a fire lady, I was worried for her life! Im pretty sure her hair was slicked back with hair spray and her top had long satin sleeves! She be a fire ball in seconds. The lady behind me who through the whole act said ‘Oh God that's amazing’ approximately every 5 seconds and then said very loudly ‘If this fire lady goes wrong the whole tent will go up and we’ll all burn alive’ lovely. There was also a ‘lady’ from Ukraine but I wasn’t sure she was a lady. She was heavily made up and very muscly, thighs of steel!  which you’d need to be to hang by some rope but I guess in lycra you’d notice and bulges unless you could tuck things up nicely. There were no safety nets and a few near misses I deffo don’t want to be sitting here and see someone fall to their death. Its not big and its not clever! We were finally near the end when we had a nice juggling act from a man with a big smile wearing a wet look black shirt and sequined trousers. Forgot we were in the 70s. I saved my syns for my late night work snacking but was good and only used 6 on the salted caramel slimming bar. Its a lot of syns for a small bar but it was good! Like a nice nutty flapjack.

I will have a good week this week!!

14/11/14 I am feeling so fucking grumpy! So I dash out of the place on my lunch break to try and sort out the accident that happened on my back seat. Firstly I find my window open that I left at 1pm yesterday and it rained all night so even though I put a bin bag on it my arse was soaking wet. I sit in loads of traffic trying to get to the nearest supermarket with a carwash and by the time I finally get to Morrisons they don’t wash the inside of cars! Very grumpy I headed back to eat my Bulgar wheat leftover with some chickpea dahl really not what i fancied!! Sometimes you just want to eat a sandwich and crisps arrrghhhhh!! This afternoon they had a children in need assembly so before I knew it was 3pm and time to go home! I went straight to pick my mum to do some more work on the caravan. I work her hard ha ha! She did some more sewing and I popped out to pick up a small table and 2 chairs for a fiver so I can do up and make some cash for next weekend! I also have mums table and chairs in my kitchen so its getting a bit crowded! Really to sell some and make a few pennies.

I really took a dip this evening and started feeling low. I miss my old work mates alot. I guess Ive been lucky to have made some really good friends in most of my jobs and worked a few times with family. I miss my old team and filthy Fridays in the staff room. You need that in a work place. Its easy to say its a job and to see people as colleague's but I didn’t see anyone on my lunch break today. I miss Minge and Cock. I had to go over to the little hospital to celebrate Mr D granddads birthday. They left everyone come along in the dining room which was really nice of them. I really wasn’t in the mood for socialising so I did struggle a little. I just wanted to go home and sit in my corner of the sofa and eat curly wurlys. I still turned down all the crisps going round, cake, jelly and ice cream. I was really please his granddad liked the jumper, socks and chocolates we bought him. Home and time to snuggle straight up in bed. We are so rock and role!!

15/11/14 My phone went off at 6.45am with my brother telling me he was at my front door with their dog. Bloody hell! Im a good sister. The pooches are bloody mental when they're together so I left them in the kitchen to scrap over a toy monkey holding a banana. I snoozed back off and then the alarm went off not much later for Mr D to go to work. I didn’t stay in bed I had to get boring stuff done this morning! I ran around taking back something to home bargains, had a drink when I picked up my cheque from Gs mum,took the dog to the vets and finally got my car cleaned inside so it was smelling fresh again!! Finally got home followed by Mr D. We had some lunch chilled and watched the last of Heroes with a disappointing end! We took the pooches for a walk in the usual spot in all the woods at the back of the park. It was quite beautiful all reds and oranges and I realised after all these years of walking there that there was a gate that led me right where my dad is at rest. How weird all these years and I’d never known his tree was right there. It started to get dark and we had a big dilemma what to do tonight. We were skint and really need to not spend any money but were getting tempted to do so. The Christmas lights were turned out in town tonight something I enjoy every year! But today I wasn’t that fussed. I had my scruffs on and it didn’t feel worth my while getting ready and going into town for 15 minutes and coming home again. With my family away it wasn’t the same without them so we stayed in. I made lemon chicken and rice for tea I chucked some spinach and fancy beans in it to put some goodness in but it wasn’t great. I was hoping it wasn’t just the chicken that wasn’t great as it had been in the freezer a while!! I was really pleased with how well I was doing being extra good this week! I was determined if i was extra good i was bound to have a good week on the scales so far everything has gone to plan. We watched some TV and a movie called ‘Chef’ not the best movie for dieting as they were going the best looking sandwich's ever! Hey sliced up the best looking meat added cheese then buttered the outside (mmm butter remember that stuff?!!) then toasted it. Sooooo good. Arhh I just had to make some supper. Instead of filling my face full of chocolate I decided to go syn free and made some fries in the oven. Nice and salty and crispy with my cheese allowance melted on top. We weren’t greedy we shared a bowl. Its bad when the highlight of your Saturday is home made chips and cheese I need to get out more!!

16/11/14 I love waking up fresh on a Sunday morning with no hangover!! Oooshhh I packed a slimming world bar for the journey. We pottered around the carboot then went to a few DIY shops. Originally we thought about chalk paint for the fridge in the caravan but you couldn’t get small pots so I decided to get lots of tester bits of wallpaper (quite large bits) so I spent no money! We went home and cooked a big fat dirty fry up. Just without the fat or the dirty really. Bacon (no fat of course) eggs, beans, tomato, mushroom. Mmmm no syns. I do miss the fact thatI give Mr D big chunks of crusty bread with his but its good enough to power through without. I am on fucking fire this weekend. What syns??!! Yesssss bring on skinny me!! We spent the next few hours in the caravan. Mr D was doing man stuff sawing shelves and making a shoe rack to fit perfectly in the cupboard. I was cutting and pasting the amazing bits of wall paper I’d chosen and it was done! Looking fabulous!

I bought some new spanx today for the little black dress season. Not matter which type you get theres always something that doesn’t suck in right. When they first came out and Gok had people on his show wearing them under every outfit everyone went mad for them. There were the all in one shorts ones to suck your thighs and belly in. Well for a start Gok theres no way you could wear them under your day to day jeans because you cant fucking breath!! On a night out I can grit my teeth and not breath for the evening after a few drinks you don’t notice. Then theres the problem that they just keep rolling down and you spent half the night trying to sneakily pull up back up again under the table. Then theres the ones that suck the bottom of your stomach in brilliant but in doing this they then push out the top of your stomach making you look more fat than you did in the first place. Lets not forget how ugly they were some big black shorts all in one. You do not want to be pulling in those bad boys! Ypu’d have to quickly wip it off in the toilets and just breath in for the next hour! Well todays suck you in pants are much better. They don’t seem to suck quite as much but the dresses seem to to give you a less rolly looking siluoute. Still round but less tyres and anything that helps flatten out any back fat has got to be damn bloody good! The only problem is because they have straps over your bra. (they go under your bust and support you boobs great!) you can often see the straps under the arms of the dress!! They are still to make the perfect suck me in undies but these are the best yet! And there actually not too ugly.

'Shouldn't of ate jam on toast, should have taken a shit'

3/11/14 I’d not really thought about what was happening today. I think my mind blocked it out on purpose, it wasn’t until I was stood all in black in the queue at the cremetorem that it hit me. Back here only weeks off 5 years since I last stood here but last time I was at the front everybody staring at us and telling us how sad they were for our loss. This time was different though surrounded by similar faces of the whole clan of my dads side of the family. Cousins, second cousins, not so many Aunts and Uncles anymore. All with the same family trates. Were an intresting bunch of folks stood infront of us was a woman wearing a blanket and Terry Tibbs! Spitting image of Terry Tibbs! The older men on this side of the family are all Terry Tibbs and Delboy Trotter dodgy dealer old leather jacket and flat cap kind of blokes. I had to laugh or I’d cry. My grandparents (from mums side) and mum came. Loads of old folks. I swear old folks like to go to funerals. ‘Thats Beryl she lived next door but 3 to me when I was 23 years old. Its her Uncles funeral I said hello to him once so we must go pay our respects’ In front of me was a lady I recognised from fat club. Not someone I had really spoken too but a chatty member of the group. I really didn’t feel like making chit chat to be honest I was only just chatting to my brother. I didn’t really want to talk to anyone. She hadn’t spotted me. The first time I came here for my Uncle we kept thinking my dad who was sitting next to us was next. He was next and now 5 years on I am here thinking of my dad again. We went in and started with a hymn. I like a good hymn, its easy to forget where you are when your singing about green hills in ancient times and golden bows. My brother looked at me confused and I realised I’d pointed at the wrong song and he nearly blasted out ‘Amazing Grace’ When we sat down and the man stood at his wooden desk at the front I was instantly transported to 5 years ago. The more he spoke the more upset I got. Not for my Aunty but for my dad. Everything felt the same, everything felt fresh. That knot in my stomach and my heart aching for the loss of my dad. The coffin sitting in exactly the spot my family on the front row. It felt like I was about to go up and do my speech again. By the end the tears were in full flow and I needed to go to my dads tree. It didnt feel right going to go and speak to the family when I was struggling to think about my Aunty. I felt bad for it and selfish that at my Auntys funeral my tears weren’t for her. I had to get out and as I did the lady from fat club smiled at me. I was in no state for small talk and made a quick exit, behind the family to my dads plaque, my dads tree. I hoped nobody would follow I wanted  a bit of time with my dad but mum was quickly behind me. She knew it was about my dad. She said hello to him too. My Uncle and cousin weren far behind also paying repects to the other fallen brothers. Maybe not so selfish to think of others at this hard time. I spent some time thinking of my Aunt and what a kind hearted lady she was. A sad time for all the family. I miss my dad.

I went to the pub afterwards. The Mackworth hotel. The place everybody goes for their wake. Its depressing I never want to go either places again. The family looked smaller today. 5 of them have passed in the last 5 years. It was good to chat to my Uncle and a few cousins. I dont really see them but it was so nice to hear them telling stories and chatting about my dad. I guess the people I spend time with dont really talk about my dad much.

I shadow hung over me for the rest of the day. I felt like crawling under the duvet and not coming out.

The night went down hill. After visiting the caravan and Mr D not being quite happy with it we popped to the shop then headed home. I went within myself and didn’t feel like talking. I had a bubble bath but didn’t stay in long enough to read my book. I went downstairs and tried to concentrate on some Heroes. I felt sad and got really upset. Not been that upset since he died. I dont really understand it.                                                               

04/11/14 So tired but couldnt get back to sleep. My eyes are puffy and I look like crap. I feel like a zombie strolling around the house. I really need to try and get some more sleep if Im going to get through a evening shift. I don’t feel like seeing people or speaking to people. I didn’t do much this morning just some washing and walked the dog. Cooked some roasted pepper pasta for lunch and then it was time to go back to work. Never easy after a week off. I arrived to find out Ofsted were in so everybody was feeling a little stressed. I had completly mixed up dinner. My usual potatoe and beans but the kids had mushy peas so I thought beens as there syn free I might as well. Beans, salad and mushy peas is not the best combo! By the time I got home I wanted something proper but just had a bag of pom bears in bed. So many of my syns are on crisps. How I love crisps!

05/11/14 Weigh in day! I actually look forward to fat club day! I know Ive stuck to it and look forward to stepping on the scales and watching more weight go forever! And seeing my new fat club chums is always good. I took a sneaky weigh in at work and thought I’d lost about a pound. I knew I’d not lost anymore than that. I’d dashed out the house in a rush  and forgot my yogurt for breakfast. The kids had jam on toast it looked and smelt so good I just had to have some! I never eat jam but it just smelt good.I then spent the next few hours fretting and worrying about eating jam on toast before weigh in! And it was white bread!! Why before weigh in would I get a craving for jam on toast??!!  I made my roasted pepper and light phili and spinach pasta to take with me to fat club. Busy today and had to have that awful wait to get weighed. Time to stand and wait ‘shouldnt of ate jam on toast, should of had a shit, shouldn’t of ate jam on toast, should of had a shit!’ 1lb off!! Thats good enough for me! This is the weekend I was worried about double Halloween celebrations including a 3 course meal and drinks and I bloody did it!! Still lost!! It might be slow but I am on fire!! Good natter with my fellow dieters. The leader even made us campfire stew and mushy peas! (Still ate my pasta) and a little pot of that too. Free 0 syn grub in class, well what a bloody good class!! I realised I’d left my phone at home disaster. Going to be 12 hours without it!! Cant tell anyone how good Im doing! Damn!! I stashed a couple of goodies in my bag for after fat club. A sausage roll that I’d microwaved and put in foil. It had gone hard. It must be a sign I should not be having cheeky none syned treats! Luckily I wasn’t hungry but I did have a little chocolate milkshake in my bag! Need just a little bit of naughty choclateyness. Off I went to work phoneless! It was a really lovely evening at work all settld back in after half term. I had the usual jacket potatoe for tea but have grazed a bit tonight.  Weve done healthy pizza for the kids supper so I grazed on low fat cheese and sweetcorn. I then had a slice of wholemeal bread with light philly and when  got home I had some hula hoops. This is a really bad habbit to get on to on weigh in day! I refuse to turn in to one of these bingers that order a 15 inch super pizza with everything whilst their still in the bloody queue to get weighed! Nope, nope. One small treat after weigh in and thats it!! I will not stray to the dark side!!

06/11/14 I was still half a sleep when Mr D got up but I couldn’t get back to sleep. I pottered around like usual having a bit of a tidy up then time for councelling. I knew all I would talk about this week would be my dad. Its obviously still playing on my mind as I just burst straight into it. I came out with lots of old stories. Skimmed over all the bad ones I guess. Alsorts popped out being 13 years old when a girl my age from the next street knocked on my door and told me my dad had passed out outside her house, to not wanting to bring my friends home incase he was drunk right up to once mum had kicked him out and then all the things me and my brother had to deal with after that. Not turning up to his sons wedding, the big guys threatening to kill him whilst and cried and gave them money, setting his flat on fire, trying to get him sectioned, getting the police to break into his house, fits, his mental health detearing and not knowing who his son was until the day my brother found him dead. Thats a lot of ground to cover in a hour. Which she reminded me was 25 years of my life. I guess you don’t always think of it like that. She asked me things like 'how do I see my dad now. The one who did all this or ‘daddy’ from my child hood.?' She said that no wonder I over stress and over worry. In my conclusion I’m like this because of my dad. Nothing I didn’t know and she said that.

I left feeling slightly sick and my chest feeling tight. I felt the need to keep busy. I don’t even feel I can write about it today. Im going to busy myself with Christmasy things before work.  I had many left overs in the fridge so just chucked in the oven some potatoe, peppers, bacon and some tomatoes and chillis. Would have been nicer if I’d had time to leave it longer. Time soon went quick and time for work again. I had to go into mcdoanlds to pick up the kids stuff but it didn’t tempt me to be honest. I feel tired and its dark and dreary I want chocolate cake and custartd. Im going to do some baking this weekend and it eat it all! Syn it of course! I only ate half my dinner as we have it at 4.30 before we go swimming.  I’d used leftover ingrediants with the girls to make a good veggie omelette and had a few chips and salad. We had a great swim, did some aqua where we did lots of jumping and marching. Good for the kids and for me! We headed back and I had the rest of my homemade chips for supper with a few baked beans and sprinkling of light cheese. Before bed I had 2 chocolate brownie bars. I felt fat, stodged and like I’d be really naughty! When actually I’d only used 6 syns!! Triple potatoed it today!! Not good, good job I didn’t have them for breakfast too! Thursday is officially potatoe day! I am a fucking spud!!

07/11/14 I didn’t sleep quite as bad as usual so I felt okay today. We still had some left over ingrediants still from cooking so cooked mushrooms and spaghetti for breakfast. The day went pretty quik watching the kids swim in the morning. Avoiding 2 different lots of cookies when I got back. Home made chunky yummy ones and big soft gooey looking shop bought ones. I was tempted to have one knowing I was cooking tonight and had some syns but decided I didn’t think I could just eat one so didn’t risk it. Who eats one cookie? Not a fat bird! I ate my 2 slimming world bars instead. The weather was awful today dark grey and hammering it down.  I hid away for my lunchbreak and read my book for half an hour and ate my pasta. In the afternoon we went bowling and that was it day done!

Weve decided to buy the caravan we went to see. Its small and old and originally worried about the sky light but weve got him down to £200. Me and Mr D were going to spend money this weekend anyway so we thought bugger it we’ll take a risk and get the caravan! We can do it up and make it look all pretty hopfully by News Years Eve so we can go on our little road trip! Thats our Christmas present to each other. Exciting, better get on pintrest for some ideas how to do her up!

Normally I head straight home but I didn’t feel quite as sleepy as normal and had got some crusty bread for my grandparents so popped to see them and had a diet coke. I also wanted to pop in B and M to get some paint ready for the caravan cupboards! (very exciting) and stock up on diet coke and get some ingrediants ready for cooking. After sitting in traffic for nearly a hour I started preparing the Friday night fakeaway! This weekend I don’t want to drink or eat takeaway so I know exactly what syns Im having and hopfully lose more than 1lb. I did the Chinese chicken curry in the slow cooker with mayflower  sauce but there could of done with being more sauce really. I then did some egg friend rice and king prawn noodles. Not exactly like it would be from the Chinese but not bad! We watched a film but it had subtitiles and talked a lot about war and history so I was easily distracted. I started planning a Christmas get together. Starting at teatime so it doesn’t effect my friend with children in routine. Every year we have a Christmas quiz night and we used to always have a Christmas night out in town with a theme every year. Elves, snowmen, The Nativity. The Nativity was my fave but was before the Mr D days. I went as a king though Im not sure having a drawn on beard and mustouche is a particulary flattering look for me. This year will be quizness, mulled wine and christmasyness then into town to also celebrate my bro’s birthday. Double whammy!! Whislt half watching a film half planning festive fun I ate a box of milado dime. There were amazing and 15 syns for the wole box. Been as im not drinking or eating takeaway its all about the snacks this weekend!! 15 syns well spent followed by a late night packet of space raiders. This was just out of greed. Ive had a greedy few days just because Ive got syns. Nope Im not going to ruin it this week, I will not over snack. I am knocking this on the head!!

08/11/14 Strange after all last night snacking I woke up hungry! I must be feeling better about myself because whilst Mr D dozed next to me I started looking at wedding dresses. The dreaded wedding dress!! And quite quickly I found a photo of exactly what I wanted. Unfortunately it was a made in China dodgy cheap jobby. Im not risking that! I got given a few names of dress makers and emailed one that my Bessie sent me. I sent her the picture and she said this would be no problem. I’ll probably speak to a few. My mum sounds disappointed she desperately wants me to go to endless wedding shops and try on lots of dresses. Not right now mum Im too fat to fit in any!! This dress is perfect. Beautiful lace sleeves and ¾ length none of this tripping off the tril when Im drunk or at the farm. Long dresses are not for festivals and to be honest I always wanted a short one. I just didn’t want it to looklike just a prom dress or a nice dress you could wear to a posh party. I want it still to look like a beautiful wedding dress. Lace and pretty. I think this is it!!

Its caravan day!!! Off we went in the pouring down rain to get our caravan ‘Wilma’  the good thing about it absolutely pissing down last night and today so we’d quickly see any sign of leaks or damp. Luckily there wasn’t. We had to sit in silence trailing it home, Mr D needed complete silence to concentrate on towing it. We made it in one piece but then we had to get it on the drive. We decided we could push it up. That failed miserably and with just the 2 of us we could not get it up infront of the house. Luckily our nextdoor neighbours arrived home at exactly the right time with 3 of us pushing manovering and some wood to help get partly on to the woodchips we had it on. Not exactly where I thought it would be and it mean I can no longer park on the middle bit of the drive but you can still see out of the window and you easily get in to the carvan. Score! I didn’t want to waste any time and after sitting in it smiling for 10 minutes whilst Mr D faffed with the electrics I took all the drawers out to sand and paint. Whilst they were drying I baked some wholemeal healthy B bread to make a pizza with and tried to make rolo 2 syn cakes. Unfortunatley I left them in a little too long and the rolos went all squigy! Still ate a few and must remember for next time they ony need a few minutes once the rolos are in the oven! After re painting the cupboards and being very productive finally getting everything put back in the attic I had a bath before homemade pizza for tea! I was actually really pleased with how the homemade bread came out and covered it in peppers chilli, tomatoes, onion and my allowance of cheese. I could have had 2 big slices for no syns but I had to have 3 and make it half the pizza with salad and homemade chips. Great for 3 syns!!

We went off to the pictures to see a science spacey film Mr D wanted to see. Not really my bag but didn’t look awful. Got to keep the man happy. It was only out this weekend and the cinema was rammed full. I hated it when 4 men sat to my left. The film was nearly 3 hours and with my bladder how was I supposed to last that long? There was no way I was going to get up and squeeze past these men with my fat ass in their faces!! I would rather nearly burst! No one needs my lump trying to squeeze past. At first this made me anxious and I really don’t like people being that close to me. I hardly drank any diet coke because i daren’t risk it. The film turned out pretty good so took my mind off it and I just sat listened and enjoyed my curly wurly. Good night after all.

09/11/14 Woke up at 8am wanting to get in the caravan. As a lay in bed with Mr D fast off heavy breathing next to me I was thinking how I would get up and start cleaning it. I then had a new plan that I would go to the carboot to look for fabric for the seating. I quickly showered but it was foggy then the sun started peeping through. Got my wolly hat and a bit of lippy on and off I went. It was pretty good there was plenty of things I could have bought today. I went to a stall (with nice clean looking people) and they had some beautiful floral curtains. I know Mr D said no floral but I think a bit of floral would be okay? They were beautiful thick fully lined curtains and only £5 but then I spotted they had yellow floral ones too. Mr D likes a bit of yellow and they came in 2 sizes. Which to get? Yellow wasn’t in the plan! She said £10 for all 3 pairs, SOLD!! Proper bargain! It was a massive heavy bag so I said I’d come back for them. A few stalls down and I saw another long pair of red thick curtains for £3. BOOOOOOOM!! I bought them as well. I had to make 2 trips to the car armed with all my fabulous goodies! Me and Mr D found a middle ground and went for the red for the bottom of the seats and the red floral for the top cushions. The yellow floral turned out perfect for the front room and I used one of the spare cushions as a throw on the opposite sofa.  Really chuffed with that result. We popped to Homebase but the paint was double the price and with Mr D wanted super glue and sandpaper as well I convinced him to trek over to B and M instead. He really wanted a light browny/mushroomy colour which I wasn’t complety convinced on but I do have to let him have some say so we went with that. I then spent the next few hours painting all the wood in the caravan. Mr D did all the sanding and then cleaned all of the outside. We stopped for leftover pizza and salad and then went back to do it all over again for a second coat! I crashed and burned about 4pm knackered!!

Get us with our busy productive sensible weekend!!

Fell off the wagon for the first time

27/10/14 Woke just feeling tired which soon led to me feeling really crappy. Banging head and feeling sick. Like a hangover even though I haven’t drank all weekend? First day of half term and Im in bed watching Homes under the hammer. (seem to watch this alot lately) Genuinly wanted to get to the gym this morning. Ugh.

I really want to stuff my face with a big pile of buttery toast! That feeling when your just not feeling great and you want carbs. I really want bread. Theres a chicken baguette, nice tiger crust one in the fridge that cost 10p. Really wanted to smash super free for the rest of the week as I still feel bad about Friday nights chicken meat and chips. Ive syned it! Its within my syns but I still feel bad for it? The good thing about slimming world is I may not be able to have a pile of toast but I cant have something good that feels naughty! Home made chip butty for lunch it is. I felt more hungry by the time my chips were nearly done so it ended up being chips, veggie sausages and mushy peas for lunch. I will stick to plan.

I stayed in bed all day drifting on and off to sleep. Feeling crappy and exhausted. Before I knew it was 5pm. Luckily I’d put Sunday dinner leftovers in the slow cooker so no dinner cooking required. I was feeling better by the time Mr D got home and was so happy to see him. I had an old pair of velour jogging bottoms on that I remembered I had at the back of my cupboard (no they did not say juicy on the back!) and my fave leopard hoody with ears on the hood. That is my proper ill hoody!

We snuggled up on the sofa and ate stew in the warm. For a left over stew with some added stock it was pretty damn bloody good! Winter is here.

28/10/14 I felt okay today. Maybe it was just a 24 hour thing or it was the smelly quork I ate. (I put it on my chicken kebab meat and then moaned at Mr D for having smelly feet. Turns out it wasn’t his feet it was the empty pot of quork which had mould on the lid! I didn’t notice anything) Working with my new student in the holidays. There was loads of fantastic things I can do with G. First the cinema to watch Tennage Mutant Ninja Turtles ‘heroes in a half shell, TURTLE POWER!’ I got to the cinema armed with my homemade chicken and bacon salad, diet coke, 2 light mini baby bells and 2 slimming world bars. (No syns for me today!) We sat down at 11.20 before the adverts even started. The whole lot was gone by 12 before the film actually started. Luckily I hadn’t bought anything else to tempt me.Me and G went back to my house armed with 3 boxes of weight watcher cookie mix and some dazzles and made little cookies for Minge. I put some ribbon and a label round the jar. Unfortunately the cookies crumbled but managed to roll them into little cookie balls. We didn’t have enough time so thought I’d finish them when I got home. I popped in to see an old friend afterwards. It wasn’t so long ago she was one of my best friends for many years but it was only the second time Ive seen her in the last 14 months. It wasn’t weird or akward, we just nattered solidly for 2 hours and vowed to do it again soon.Sometimes life is too short, you have to bite the bullet and do what YOU actually want. Would I like some of my old best friends to be around at the most important times of my life, yes I would.

I fell off the wagon for the first time. Did it have to be the night before weigh in??! I feel sick and I am so disappointed in myself. I got back and finished off the cookied for my friend. So many crumbled and wouldn’t go into cookies so I ate them. I ate all the chocolatey crumbs, Ive no idea how many syns Ive gone over by. 8? More? Im not eating anything now until after weigh in. I feel miserable.

People write these little comments and it’s like a little dig. Like some people don’t want you to do well. ‘Told you so’  They want to be the star of the show the one thats lost loads of weight. Always the fucking expert. Ive said it before and I’ll say it again I write a Blog and have a page for positivity. To help you stick to it, help each other out. Sod off if not!!

Im worried that if I gain tomorrow this will push me over the edge and I’ll be miserable and want to eat! Then the endless cycle will begin again. I really don’t want to gain L

29/10/14 Up and about early this morning, Im just not good at staying in bed. I beat myself up about it if Im in bed after 8am. Belly already rumbling but I don’t want to risk putting on, might let myself have a cereal bar. I’ll start with a power walk with the pooch. After putting on one of my fave dresses 2 months ago today it feels rather baggy round the middle. Whooooo!! Im starting to feel that I may have over reacted with the cookie crumbs. If I had used all my Wednesday syns this morning it wouldn’t of been 15 that I used in crumbs so Im feeling okay. Im actually feeling thinner. I power walked the dog anyway but it wasn’t as none stop as I planned as the pooch stopped, sniffed, weed up every tree, bin, lamppost and peice of litter on the floor! Managed to power through without the cereal bar. I was feeling pretty hungry when it got nearer to class and I did something naughty I got a small Cornish pasty out of the freezer (that I’d bought for 10p) put it in the oven then wrapped it in foil for after weigh in. I know, I know! All Ive done is bang on about not having treats after weigh in but Im not going to binge! Im out of routine this week with it being half term and I just feel like having a little bit of time off with the food syn obsessing. Just a few hours! Time for fat club.

Different people spoke to me as I queued to get weighed all asking about me and how Im doing. People must see my post and some I think read my Blog but I realised afterwards how selfish I must seem. One lady asked about my wedding and said she had her hen do this weekend. I then had to get weighed and never had chance to ask her about her. Hope they don’t all think Im a self indulged fucker! I hopped on the scales and was happy with a 1lb weight loss! I did it! I still got a loss, Ive still had a loss every single week and I haven’t let myself down! Never been so happy with 1lb loss! I sat at the back of the class with my ‘fat club fwienddds’ Im genuinely starting to see them as friends too. Its so good to be with people that are obsessed with food and the plan as much as me. People that understand, people that have been fatties and love their grub. After a good natter it was a cover lady again this week which always gets a poorer turn out in class. She was going round the whole class again and how every one did. Its a good job anybody didn’t want the group to know how much theve gained as she told everybody everything. To be honest we culdnt hear that well as some of my friends children were here this week, we got a lot of dirty looks when the kids were a little bit noisy. There kids for Gods sake! I didn’t have any of the sweets luckily they never really tempt me, good job it wasn’t any savoury naughtys going round. Tonight they did slimmer of the month but it doesn’t count if youve put on. So L got in but she’d also put on nearly 2 stone this month and then lost it again. If I put on alot of weight I could lose it again the following week if I worked hard!

 So On the way to my car I was starving and had a quick munch on a barely warm Cornish pasty that I’d burnt round the edges. Good for my diet I only ate a bit of the middle which tied me over until lunch. My old chum who I haven’t seen for 18 months came over from brum for lunh today. It was so good to see him, we worked together quite a few years ago now. We went off for a pub lunch and what I really fancied was a nice sandwhich. Beens Ive just been weighed I’ll do what everybody else seems to do and treat myself. Not going mad with take away, puddings or anything greasy but just a really good sandwhich. I was thinking maybe a panni or a toasty or a bloomer. Mmmm Unfortunately the sandwhich choices weren’t great but then I spotted the ploughmans. That would do nicely before I got tempted by anything too naughty that I’d regret! My buddy had fish and chips and I had quite a healthy ploughmans. Half an apple, some lean ham, salad, a couple of different cheeses and a lovely crusty bit of bread with real butter. I forgot how good real butter it was gooooood. It was so good to catch up. Sometimes you have friends you don’t see that often but it doesn’t matter as long as you stay in touch and have a good catch up from time to time! I then went off to see my Bessie and have a bit of catch up time. I was naughty and had a biscuit and met her very cute new puppy. It was then about 5.30 and went off to see Minge for her birthday. Armed with the homemade jar of cookies that had casued me so much stress! It was so lovely to see her! We chatted none stop for 2 hours before I though I better head home for tea. We still didn’t have enough time to fit everything in. This woman goes off the rador so quickly but Im not going to let her!! A busy day catching with my friends deffo a prodctive one! I headed home and so glad I’d put dinner in the slow cooker. Linda mcartneys meat balls (1 syn for half a pack!) in a tomatey chilli sauce with a big pile of spaghetti. It was yum! Some valuable time with the Mr and it was already time for bed!

30/10/14 Got G again today so I had my yogurt for breakfast and went to collect her. We nipped to the shop to get some food for her lunch and to get some things to make Halloween goodies out of. Homemade decorations are always the best! Ive got a good imagination anyway but now I have found alsorts of goodies on pintrest that only adds to it! We bought some stripey tights so we could make witchs legs like in the wizard of Oz.  We stuffed them with some of Mr Ds old shirts and attached them too a black umbrella to look like her skirt. I then added a pair of old black pointy boots and we cut out a large gold buckle for each out of gold wrapping paper and then hung it outside the front door. It looked pretty good. G had a lovely time. We then got latex gloves and filled each of them with sweets, blew them up a bit and tied them with string. We made 2 baskets full ready for the trick or treaters and put some on a string across the room for my Halloween guests. We made our lunch and chilled out and watched a film for a bit and then it was already time to finish. I enjoyed myself as much as her I love making things!

Feeling fat and bloated I thought I’d get my arse in gear and go to a class. I knew there used to be a dancey one on Wednesdays at 4.30. Perfect as Ive got G until 3. I decided to ring and check it was a good job as its Thursday. Idiot!

Mr D wasn’t feeling very well so I went bargain shopping alone ready for the party. I manged to get a load of good stuff quick and cheap. Crispy potatoe slices, dips and loads of doughnuts that i could put on a string for a game. I managed to finally track down the only wrap you can have as your healthy B choice on Slimming World. Gluten free and £3.25 a pack thats 70p a bloody wrap! I also got some of my light babybells. Thats over a fiver just for two items. This diet is bloody expensive! Good job the rest of it is bargains! Mr D was in bed when I got back feeling very sorry for himself. I gave him the goodies I’d bought him lemsips, paracetamol, iburophen, a apple pastry and a pack of bacon chedders. He didn’t even eat any of them so he must have been ill! Early night for me then. Snuggled up with my book and a man with man flu!

31/10/14 Mr D stayed off today. Thats serious as hes never off sick! I looked after him. Made him breakfast in bed a chocolate crossiant with peanut butter. That is wife material right there! Chocolate peanut butter crossiant and I didn’t even have a sneaky nibble. Damn Im good.  I went up to  in the attic and bringing down all the Halloween goodies. I picked up G at 10 and we spent the next hour and a half decorating the house and making it look very spooky! There were cobwebs everywhere. Every surface was covered in black. The front garden had grave stones and do not enter signs as well as the witches legs we made the day before. We put a skull in the wheel barrow and made it look like somebody had been digging graves. Four bags worth of decorations and the place was like a haunted house. My collection grows and grows every year. We then headed off to zumba aerobics. We were by far the youngest there. It was us and 8 grannies with their gray buns pinned on the top of their heads. Ive been to this class before and its normally a lady in her 50s that teachs it and puts on loads of old tunes that even I don’t recognise half off. This week a young blonde come rushing in apolagising that shes late because she covering the class. She puts on her music and some pumping regaee tune blares out. Shes swinging her hips and thrusting. The young girl is putting on quite a show in her tight lycra outfit staring at the young life gaurd every 2 seconds to see if hes watching. He is staring at his bottle of water and occasionly looking at the clock. Obviously a big student night last night. The grannies are loving it. Bingo wings flapping and saggy boobs swaying all over the shop! After swimming we headed to nandos for lunch. I’d already done my homework and knew I could have butterfly chicken, corn on the cob and spicy rice for 5 syns! Thats pretty good. It was a treat for G so she had chicken wings, chips and garlic bread covered in nandos hot sauce. It was a good call but i was pretty happy with mine. Plus ulimted diet coke for it all came to £24 thats a lot of money for a light lunch! It was nice and I had 6 glasses of diet coke with my spicy chicken so I got my moneys worth! The portion size wasn’t great I would of ordered a side salad too but I didn’t want to spend anymore money! I could of defiantly ate it twice over but that would be a expensive lunch! Really good to know i can nip somewhere in town and have a tasty lunch for 5 syns. I’ll be doing this again.

It was soon time to start thinking about the Halloween ball. I wanted to be looking spooky when the trick or treaters started arriving. I started on my make up early. I love doing fancy dress make up. I wanted to look dead and I wanted it to look good not just some pound shop white facepaint slapped on with some fake blood! I spent ages doing shadows and building up my eyes to look dead! No fake blood in sight! Mr D had told me he wanted to do his own until he saw mine and said he wouldn’t make it look as good as that so let me do it. Im glad Im good at something! Our outfits looked brilliant. The coffee staining, ripping, adding a bit of mud and sewing on cobwebs paid off! Its a shame I would be only wearing this once but next year I'll be too thin for it. Its a bit big on me as it is. It was a lot of work wearing a wedding dressing I kept nearly tripping over, Mr D kept treading on it only just made it to the ball without falling flat on my face. The first people we saw were standing at the entrance dressed for a ball. Not Halloween!! Oh Shit, had I made a massive fuck up?!  Luckily not, as we got inside there were a lot of fancy dress. More the shop bought with a bit of extra eye liner and a bit of fake blood coming out the mouth. I always go over the top but I just cant do things by halfs! If Im going to do something Im going to do it well. If Im going to a Halloween Ball Im going to have a damn good homemade outfit. There was a lot less people than I thought which is a shame with it being for charity but £45 a ticket is a lot of money. I sat down at the table with people I knew from work. Some I knew quite a bit because Im in class with them. Everyone complimented our outfits and we sat down to wait for our 3 course meal. I turned round to see a girls bum cheeks. Saying it was a short skirt she was wearing was a understatement. She had a great figure but I deffo would not feel comfortable with my arse cheeks on show. She was bending over slightly and she was leaving nothing to the imagination. I hope for her sake she doesn’t get drunk and start touching her toes. I already knew what the meal was so I planned it out in my head. Dont eat the pastry for starter and don’t eat the crackling or pudding. I started out well just ate the goats cheese, eggy , bacon mixture out of the tart. Had plenty of veggies with my pork for the main. (the bowl of veggies was passed round the table and we were last so we didn’t have to worry about anybody else whoop!) The guy who was supposed to be sat next to me hadn’t arrived. His starter was still sitting there so when pudding arrived I swapped it. I thought it would be better to have some more eggy bacon cheeseyness as my pudding but then they bought him a pudding too. There were too puddings next to me that I was pretty sure i would like. I don’t like crème brulee adn I don’t like chocolaote orange. I swapped it back and left him with a empty pastry case. (I was pretty sure he wasn’t arriving for food now!) and just thought I’d try the pud. I didn’t bother with the sugar crispy topping. I just had a bit of the moose. Turns out it wasn’t too orangey and was pretty good. I’ll just have a little bit more, and a little bit more and ate the lot! No more drinks for me tonight I used my syns on pudding!! We all need to finish with a little bit of chocolatey goodness.

Then it was the raffle. £5 for a strip of tickets. Turns out they called out the whole strip as one ticket. Thats £5 for one raffle ticket. Nobody on our table won anything. It was £1 to request a song, this was turning out a pretty pricey event. At least it was all for charity.

The photographer was right next to us and all the girls on my table from work got up and had a picture together. I wondered if I’ll ever be apart of the work group. Will they ever be my friends. I know for sure they’ll never be like my buddies from my last job. My first few months with them they were already my best buddies and we would have posing up there together laughing and joking making rude gestures to the camera. I miss my old work buddies. A few people got on the dance floor to dance to a few cheesey Halloween songs but having not drunk much and not having any friends there me and Mr D decided to go but not ready to go home we popped into the Bless. It wasn’t how it used to be. I didn’t recognise anyone and this was my drinking hole for 10 years. It was half full of students dressed as dead cheer leaders, nurses and anything that included wearing as less as possible. The other half of the pub was full of old men luring at them. The music was good but we just stayed for the one. How things change!

1/11/14 Woke up feeling pretty good and actually pleased I’d not drank too much last night and got to bed by midnight! God I sound so old!! Mr D was at work, the sun was shining so I took a little trip to the carbooty. I found a nice stall selling nice cards for 20p each. Fab, I bought cards for every occasion and pleased with my bargain! Yep its official Im old!! Strolled around bought a few bits and bobs and spent all my dosh. I then thought I’d go along to wilkos see if there were any cheap Halloween bits but got distracted on the way. A good cheapo shop called Futton. My basket was overflowing with bargain goodies. Passata with peppes in 20p a carton, light caramel hot chocs for 10p and  a few naughtier items for Mr D including 50p for a multipack of hula hoops! Im deffo going there again!! I went to wilkos and all the halloween stuff was 75% off only got a few goodies as my house was already full!! But couldn’t resisit a few. I could have bought a load of outfits and sell them for more next year but I just couldn’t be bothered!! I headed home and started cooking skinny steak rice with salad. Thought I better post the steaks on the slimming world website just incase and it turns out they were really high! Hardly bloody steak they were made up of crap!! So I gave them Mr D and I got out the emergency  box of Iceland duck little skewers half a syn for half a box oooshhh. Gluten free wrap as my healthy extra. Taste like cardboard but over all pretty bloody good. With the house all done and ready I just then had to make myself and Mr D look fabulous or gruesome! The plan was to look freaky. Fuck this mamsy pamsy hot dead Alice in Wonderland, cheer leader anything in a fucking mini skirt, boobs out and just a little bit of fake blood on my neck. Its Halloween I want to look scary!! This year it was clowns. I usually get my Halloween ideas a year in advance and thought this year would be ‘Your worse nightmares theme’  I put some putty at the sides of my mouth and covered it in fake blood so it looked like someone had sliced me a big smile! I smudged all my clown make up so I just looked messed up. Mr Ds was similar but he had blood coming out of his eyes. Complete with homemade outfits and wigs we were ready. My friend C, her husband and 2 kids arrived and didn’t even look twice at us. Didnt scare them at all! My niece wasn’t quite as happy with it and didn’t recognise me at all she just looked at me strange. Her dad had a full bandaged up face but she was fine with him!! It wasn’t a big crazy party. It was a lovely gathering of my friends and kids. If I’d rewound it to 5 years ago the house would of been jammed full of drunken merry folk doing shots and sticking their face in jelly but Im sad to say I think those kinds of parties ae now behind me. Times have changed and Im pretty much the only one without kids.  Luckily I am a big kid and enjoyed doing all the extras for kids. Eating doughnuts on a string (not me though) and Mr D and my bro did a nice little firewroks display. This year we put the pooch in the bedroom so he didn’t run out and nearly set himeslef on fire trying to eat the Catherine wheel again. I made pulled pork in the slow cooker and did a whole pile of tear and share cheesy garlic bread that I would of loved to of eaten but not allowed and then nobody else ate it! Nothing worse than throwing away something I knew would be delicious!!  My very preggers Bessie and husband came and when everyone else left the 4 of us sat and nattered. I ended up having 2 drinks as it wasn’t really the night to get smashed so thought I would eat my syns instead! We talked babies as we muched pombears and ate curly wurlys. I even felt her kick which feels crazy! Cant believe my Bessie is actually going to have a baby! All grown up!! Mr D and Mr D chatted about outdoorsy man stuff whilst drinking whisky.  May not have been a crazy one but i was good to have fun with some of my favourites!!

2/11/14 Knackered I woke up at 7.15 I couldn’t get back to sleep so I thought I might as well crack on with the big clear up.  This is when I started thinking why the bloody hell do I make this much effort of doing my whole house up just for a small gathering of my friends? So much food leftover which wouldnt have been the case if people had let me know they weren’t coming. I find it incredibly rude when your mates and Mr Ds mates can’t even send you a message to say they are now not coming. This is one of my big hates. People letting you down and not even being arsed to tell you. Well maybe next time people wont get a invite! None rude folks only!!

I did 2 hours of clearing up the Halloween stuff, chucking bottles and alot of food in the bin. Im thinking next year I may just flog the lot and not bother. I was ready to go back to bed when I went into the bathroom. Why do I always have to go to far? My bathroom was covered in fake blood. Hand prints and splatters all over the place. Ugh why do I never learn. Better get the bleach out.

My back is killing. It seems to be getting worse. It kept twingeing when I moved in certain positions. I wish I had drunk more last night as I feel crappy anyway! After persuadeing Mr D to go to the shop for weight watcher sausages he also made breakie! He doesn’t know how to cook eggy bread so I had to show him! I bloody love eggy bread. 2 pieces of weight watcher bread soaking up a large egg. The pan nice and hot with spray light and plenty of salt and pepper. Fried until it starts to crisp round the edge. Mmm so good and it makes the bread swell up with the egg so feels like you get so much more bread than you have! Eggy bread rules!! To be honest that was pretty much the highlight of my day! I sat on my fat ass in the corner of the sofa watching heroes. Followed by a little nap.  Had a bath, read some book and that was my whole day!! I am one lazy son of a bitch!!

The one thing that could break me

20/10/14 I sent my boss a text saying I couldn’t supply today. I just feel shattered and that Im getting behind with things. I need a productive day of blogging, sewing and making some phone calls. Thats my exciting life!

I went to see my nan and we had a quick trip to Heron. Not got too many goodies from there in a while. Its always hit and miss in thise places but 6 muller lights for £1 is always good. I haven’t had any good babybell or light phili there for a while! Should of stocked up with 10 bags of light babybells at that price! We had a nice little swimming sess though it took me a while to convince my nan that it was best that we swam lengths like everybody else was doing because we didn’t want to be those 2 people that always go against the tide and make everybody stop and start. We didn’t swim too long Nan was pretty worn out today. In our last few lengths we had to do dodge round a fat Eddie Murphy who was stood still in the middle of the pool. At first I thought he was just humming to himself but then when I swam past him the second time I realised his eyes were shut and his whole chunky body was jiggerly, his moobs bouncing on the water whilst he made a loud humming sound. Good place for meditating, you never know what your going to see in a council swimming pool.

Im going all contrivisional and trying a ‘tweak’ recipe tonight. Im desperate for some garlic bread and saw a recipe using smash. I made the smash up with exactly the amount of water it says. So to me thats not a tweek? Ive made it as directed all Ive done afterwards is flatten it and crisp it up in the oven with some garlic and a little bit of light cheese. I don’t see how that is cheating. You can have normal potatoes boiled, baked, fried but not smash?! Bog off tweak police!!

Sod treat them mean keep them keen! Thats ok when your 17 maybe even in your early 20s but as you hit 30 youve got to treat your man nice! He dashed home from work so he could fix my wipers before it got too dark. He worked for 10 hours then straight away spent 45 mins  fixing my car. I ran him a big fat bubble bath and made sure dinner would be ready for when he got out.

We nipped to do a quick cheap shop in tesco but they were like vultures for the fruit! Crazy women! How many bags of oranges do you really need?! We got a few bargains for the week, veggies and salad. Not bad. I also picked up chocolate soya milk and weetabix which Ive been looking forward to since L from class posted it last week. She said it tasted like chocolate pudding! I wasn’t disappointed it was chocolatey and stodgy and a really good winter supper.  Will deffo be having this again!!

21/10/14 Woke up to the rain hitting the window and the wind whistling loudly. Once Mr D left me and the pooch snuggled up and dozed off to Lorraine. I really didn’t know if to go to the gym or not I was very 50/50. When I was dosing off I remembered this weks class was going to be partner work at that point I put the duvet completly over my head and I emerged at 9.20 which was too late to go. I stayed in bed with my green tea and watched the Biggest Loser. Thats got to be nearly as good as the gym? Well at least its motivating! If I had a bra on I may of considered doing some star jumps.

Popped to Asda to get a few of the tins Ive seen on the slimming website. I do spend a lot of time in supermarkets I think Im a bit obsessed!

Ive started the bad habit of nipping into the nurses room next to our office and weighing myself when its close to weigh in. I know its a bad habit to get into but after my vodka binge I just needed to know that Ive pulled it back enough. The scales are different but I think Ive worked it out and Im pretty sure its going to be at least a pound loss. I must only allow myself to do this once a week!! Theres a reason I don’t have scales at home!

As i was sitting at work with the team discussing targets I got a text through telling me my Aunty had passed away. I texted my bro, my mum and was about to text Mr D but had to put my phone away. I didn’t really feel like talking about it or telling anyone at that point. How do you say my Aunties dead? Tonight there was a few changes and I went to a Youth Club tonight with some of he students. I was a little low and tired and the worse thing happened. The one thing that could break me. Possibly my fave thing in the world. Chip shop chips. It gets better. In a big fat slice of white bread with butter. I could of ate a whole big bag to myself with a whole pile of bread. The golden rule everything tastes better with bread. The second golden rule everything tastes better with cheese. After queueing with my students watching them get a plate and then watch them casually dunk a chip and pop into their mouths so casually. I want to casually dunk chips and pop them in my mouth. I want to shovel them in covered in salad cream. I gave in and ate 4 small ones. They were so good. I thought if I’d gave in to a couple I’d deffo give in to more but I just had the 4. We went back to school and I was walking down the coridoor when I saw one of the team mid much on a chip butty! The staff had only got chip butties on the way home so I havnt just got to avoid chips once but twice!! I will be strong, I will be strong, I will not give in to chips!!

Tonight I am thinking of my Aunty Mags. She used to visit us every Saturday morning and give each of a £1. Even if your mate was over they would get a £1 too. She’d often take us in to town for breakfast. Me and my bro always joked about the time we saw her casually put a whole sausage in her mouth and eat it. Impressive. Dad used to tell us stories of how her gravy was thicker than her mashed potatoe. I remember how she used to collect monkey teddys and have loads of them all down her sofa. The main thing I remember is that she had a heart of gold. Say hello to my dad for me.

22/10/14 Weigh in day! Off to work for a few hours then home for a power nap. I had my yogurt for breakfast Im really getting bored of muller bloody lights!! I don’t even like yogurt much but there free on slimming world so I’ll have a muller bloody light for breakfast again! Of course I didn’t have my power nap. I pottered round doing pots, making lunch and then I got 20 minutes to watch a bit of homes under the hammer. Typical then I started to doze off, well it was too late by then time for fat club! I felt okay getting on the scales feeling sure I’d lost at least 1lb and I’d lost 2!! Ooooshh 1 stone 2 lb in 6 weeks. Not too shabby!! The Leader today admitted shes struggling and is now at the same weight she was when she started 6 weeks ago. She was chatting about her weakness in sweets when we went on to talk about whether people have treats after weigh in. The people that said they do said they binge. This cant be healthy or any good mentally, bingeing, dieting then bingeing. Im so glad I haven’t got into this. I save up my syns and have a treat at the weekend. Bingeing on a Wednesday night is only going to make it harder for me to then work it off and lose more the rest of the week. One treat night once a week not bingeing and stuffing my face with every naughty thing thats in sight. Were just all food aholics its like alcoholics going to there alcoholics anonymous meeting then drinking a litre of whisky afterwards.  We need to tackle the bingeing. I WILL NOT BINGE!!

23/10/14 Im starting to notice more that Im looking thinner. 1 stone 2 lb in 6 weeks and as I stand infront of the mirror in my pjs they are looking pretty baggy. 6 weeks and Ive stuck to plan completly and syned everything. Im not sure Ive ever been this good., maybe Im finally in the place I need to be. Just pottered around the house this morning decided to dip dye my hair just a bit lighter on the bottom.  Spent ages on it and by the time I washed it off you could hardly tell! Waste of a morning. I made a cauliflower curry and then headed off to work.

That crushing feeling when you open your fave chocolate brownie slimming world bar and a chocolate chip falls out! You get limited chocolate chips and I want every single one! Now where did that chocolate chip go??!

Is it bad to eat the same thing for dinner and supper? Both pretty small portions of homemade chips, beans and a sprinkle of low fat cheese? I eat at 4.15 at work but not a lot as im not always that hungry but its the chance you get to eat. I guess as long as Im not stuffing myself its okay? I’ll risk it for the one night  but wont do it regulary.

Just read a slimming world post saying if you put a piece of apple on your chicken skewers that you have to syn it. Its not like your stewing it? Or your eating more fruit because its shrunk when cooked its just a couple of bloody slices of apple!!

24/10/14 PAY DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I have only gone and got my emergency tax back!! Big fat pay packet which will go straight in to my savings! Its good in a way  because I probably wouldn’t of saved as much as that. Think Im going to book a extra nights stay for Mr Ds birthday make the most of it and Ive seen something bloody good. Arrhhh exciting!!! Who knows how quick babies will come along after were hitched so have to completly make the most of every little holiday. Cant wait to see his face.

Today i put on my skirt that I felt uncomftable in 3 weeks ago. It felt fine, not snug, not big just fine. Im pretty pleased with that. If I lose another 5 pounds I’ll be under the next stone mark and the weight I was when I met Mr D. Once Ive smashed that it wil be the lighteset Ive been in years just 5lb and Im at my next personal target! Im getting to make it under that stone mark and I never want to see it ever again!!!

Theres times I don’t like talking. Friday mornings after Ive not had much sleep is usually one of them. People probably think Im weird sometimes being over chatty other times being quiet. I was happy the mini bus man had a great playlist on and I happily hummed Maroon 5 at the back. This bus man has good taste! Another day with people at work eating lots of cake! Today we had to wear pink for breast cancer and they were selling cakes. My usual class had lots coming in. I wasn’t going near that cakey goodness class or I would just have to slip a little bit of lemony yumminess right in my mouth. Nope not going near that class!

Tonights night out was cancelled it would of been nice to be a part of the send off but I really didn’t want to drink and I was shattered anyway so i was secretly happy. There was only one thing i then had to think about. Chip Shop chips!! Arr Ive thought about it all afternoon, I can not remember the last time I ate my favourite food. Chip shop chips! It says 17 syns for a regular portion and 5 syns for chicken kebab meat. I posted on the slimming world website and it was a good job I did. 17 syns is a handful of chips a cone not a regular portion at all and that I should weigh them out.  I figured if I used 2 days worth of syns it would be well worth it! I already had my onesie on ready so Mr D went out to get the take away. When it arrived I was straight into it trying some meat, a few chips there was no way I wasn’t going to eat my whole big fat portion! The whole smell filled the room. I put the portion on the scales and then ate nearly double the amount. The chicken portion looked pretty good to. I added my weight watcher healthy B pitta bread  and had a big pile of salad, some chilli sauce and a big table spoon of quork to save using any more syns. I ate every last bit and it was amazing!! I counted it as 45 syns which is a lot for one night but worth it. I posted it on my page and got the comment ‘you know you cant save your syns’ Well actually it says on the Slimming World website that you can some consultants just advise against it to not encourage people to binge. I have fancied chips all week and not gave in! Ive not binged after Ive been weighed Ive done it the right way and I saved my bloody syns! So give me a bloody break here!!

25/10/14 I woke feeling guilty about last nights eating. What if she was right what if theres a reason I shouldn’t save up my syns? Thats it Im going to eat lots of veggies for the rest of the week. I really hope this doesn’t effect my weeks weight loss . What if I didn’t syn it enough? Right low syns for the rest of the week! It was a lovely autum morning I put some old school Maroon on ‘Songs about Jane’ one of my top 5 fave albumns and took a brisk walk into town for my hair cut.

My hair cut was good I really like this place. Only went there last time with a groupon voucher and the young girl did a really good job. Cant moan at £24 either. We took a drive to Leicester with Mr D and his mum to pick up a new mobility car for his family and then went home for lunch. I like to cook nice lunches at the weekend. Make more effort. I decided to try a KFC style recipe. Chopped up turkey breast, dunked it in egg then in breadcomes mixed with some spices and baked it in the oven. We had with rice and salad and little tub of beans to dunk. Next time I’ll use chicken, turkey just isn’t the same and do it with chips so it really is like KFC. Not bad for first time.

Popped in to my mums for a cuppa and then my bro, sister in law and neice show up which was nice because not seen any of them properly for a few weeks. Mum tells me in the kitchen we are going to Cherry Tree for Christmas eve. Every year we all go to mums house for Christmas Eve, we play stupid games, eat chocolate trifle, give each other rude presents and dress up ridiculously. About a month ago mum says to me our house is too small now theres another baby. (though we are down 2 adults this year as my step brother is in Canada?!) She said we could go to a pub. I said well why don’t we have it at mine then as weve got more room. She said ‘Thats a good idea, I’ll speak to the others'. Ive heard nothing since. So I asked her what about me offering to have it at mine. She then started shouting at me and saying I always want it my way. I was trying to explain to her that she never told me any of this but she wouldn’t listen. I tried to walk out but my neice wouldn’t give me back the front door key to my house. I stayed and stayed out of mums way for the next half an hour. What I was trying to say is wouldn’t it have been nice to let me know that people didn’t want it at ours instead of ignoring the offer. Is that her or everybodies? Wouldnt it of been polite to tell us of just ignoring it and then I get accused of being selfish and wanting things my way when actually I was trying explain. I may of calmed down a bit and gave her a half hearted hug when leaving but if Im being accused of that then why would I want to go? Me and Mr D don’t want to go to cherry tree. The food thats is good is the roast. Do you want a roast dinner the night before Christmas dinner. No. If thats being selfish then maybe I am.

Got home and had a bath tried to get in the zone of having a lovely night out with the Mr. Thought we’d go out for some nice food first and after using so many of my syns on take away last night I said I was happy for him to pick anywhere where I could have steak. He fancied a nice pint of ale and we wanted somewhere with a good Saturday night atmosphere. Alot of the good places already booked up but we got in the Greyhound one of our fave pubs in Derby. Not ate there for a while but I’d had steak there in the past. Mr D was happy with his nice pint and we had a look through the menu. Everything was with chips. There was a salad with cous,cous. I don’t like cous, cous and Im not coming out on a Friday night to eat just a salad. I fancied the steak and thought I’d ask if I could have it with boiled or jacket potatoe as its normally not a problem. (normally places offer a healthy choice on the menu!) the girl said she’d ask the chef. She came back and said the chef said no it costs more. Mr D said ‘were happy to pay more. I was ordering the most expensive thing on the menu here! She kind of mumbled and said no. We cancelled Mr Ds order nobody tried to offer us any kind of alternative. Rude and useless! Mr D was fuming that they could of just boiled a bloody potatoe!! Well ‘The Greyhound, Derby’you have lost £50 custom tonight and in the future. You can kiss my fat ass as I walk out the door!!

We weren’t sure where to go next. The good pub grub places would be booked up but with going to the cinema I said what about TGI Fridays they will do a good steak surely?! So thats where we went and it had the perfect Saturday night atmosphere. There were plenty of choices on the menu and i decided on chicken breast on peppers and onions that came with cheesy mash and would ask for a swap. Guess what, they couldn’t bloody swap it!!! She said the cheesy mash was part of the layering of it? What the fuck? Can rice not be in the layer instead? Back to the drawing board! I picked steak with rice and salad and a prawn skewer with no dressings. She was helpful and told me the diet coke with unlimited whoop! Finally getting somewhere. We waited a loooong time. (good job we wernt in a rush) when a young waiter came over to us and said ‘Im really sorry guys you’ll have to wait 5 more minutes as I just dropped your order. I will give you free puddings on the house!’  We were happy about that, he was honest. Would of been happier if we’d got free drinks as I couldn’t have pudding and Mr D doesn’t really like pudding but oh well! The order came and they gave Mr D normal chips instead of cheesey bacon chips (I know mmm cheesey bacon chips, if only!!) They quickly arrived with a portion of cheesey bacon chips and said they were on the house! Bonus he got to lots of chips and half of them on the house!! Good times indeed. Popped in rather a filthy Ryans bar for another diet coke and then off to the pics to see ‘Maze Runner’ there wasn’t much on so this was the only thing neither of us minded watching. I had my pudding of chocolate hifi bars and happily watched the film. It was no Divergent and Divergent aint no Hunger Games but it wasn’t bad!!

26/10/14 So the clocks have gone back and should totally be making the most of my extra hour but its wasted on me I cant stay in bed. I left Mr D snoozing put the washing out and put the gammon roast joint in the slow cooker (I thought it was pork, I don’t like gamon!!) I cooked a chicken breast for me instead. Had a chilled out day and my bro, sister in law and neice over for dinner.

Mr D is seriously the best man ever. When I was getting stressed tring to serve up a roast for everyone and there were toddlers, adults and dogs flying in and out of the kitchen and the smoke dectetctaor going over. Mr D gave me a quick hug, put one of my fave albumns on the juke box and put me mushy peas in (even though I said not to worry as I couldn’t be bothered) so I could have them instead of gravy. Its all about the little things.