Why am I watching a programme about cakes?

13/10/14 Got called up early again so got straight in the shower. The early the better I like to have chance to potter round a bit, have a little tidy up. Then run around like a mad head with 10 minutes to do everything. No yogurts left so I quickly zapped some spaghetti and put on a slice of toast. It was then red hot so was trying to get ready and eat boiling spaghetti at the same time. I was in a class I knew quite well today we went out in the morning and had music in the afternoon. Nice day, I was organised and had some leftover vegetable rice with a bit of pulled pork. Left overs are so important in this diet! Its not like I can just grab a sandwhich!

Theres a new charity craze on the internet today. On Monday go braless for cancer research. Here we going again ‘swing your bra round your head, set it on fire and cover your tits in glitter all for cancer research.  Are you mad? These bangers do not need to be bouncing around in my face all day and its hardly professional if your a bit cold or you bend over and accidently flash a bit of nip!! Get a grip people! I took a car load full of stuff to the charity shop last week. Thats my bit!

14/10/14 I manged to doze back of to sleep this morning and woke up at 8.45am perfect timing for the gym. (I was tempted to stay in bed) I was not letting myself give any excuses! Off I went to Booby shaking class. A few newbies this week. I was sandwhiched between a gran in her marks and spencers pumps and new pink top and Myly Cyrus with her swinging dip dyed pony tail and a daddy related tattoo written up her inside arm. Grinding and shaking their booties. It was like a weird ménage a trois.To top it off Detective man was infront of me this week in incredibly short pink shorts with long stork like legs coming out of them and tight black vest showing off his little moobs. This would make a grim porno. I had to put up with this awful grinding around me for the next hour. She said next week we’d be doing some partner work. Ugh NO THANKYOU! I come alone! Last time I ended up paired with a really tiny lady half the size of me and she had to hold all my weight followed by me lying on the floor with her sweaty vag right near my face!! Note to self, don’t bother next week!!

I popped in to take my grandparents some goodies then had my usual rush to eat something substaional and healthy, making sure Im ready and out the door by 12.40. Leftovers for lunch today not great but I don’t like to waste anything!

Off to work. The evenings are getting darker and colder and I can see how its going to be a lot harder to work lates in the winter than the summer. I am not looking forward to finishing work to a frozen windscreen!!

15/10/14 Up early for my split shift and ate my yogurt as the students had cereal and toast. Cant remember the last time I ate cereal. The only problem with cereal is I would never be able to just have that tiny allowance amount. I like a big fat bowl full to the top with lots of milk. Thats why I don’t have cereal. Nipped in to say hello to my mum and neice and then went home to prepare my lunch and finish my fruit crumble for fat club. I cooked all the fruit and made a oaty topping with a little bit of honey and some apricots and raisons. Unfortuantely it would have to be syned even though its fruit because when its cooked you eat a lot more than you normally do. So what if you only have a small bit??

This week for class we all had to take in low syned goodies for group buffet. People all went out there was so many goodies! I stood in the queue waiting to get weighed  looking at all the goodies and just wanting to pick. I was disappointed to have only lost half a pound. It must be the takeaways as you cant really syn them properly as they might be putting a whole load of oil in them! Ugh. Oh well buffet time.One of the reasons I like my group is because every body gets really involved. Ive been to many diet clubs over the years and this is my favourite. Ive never really been over bothered about getting involved before but I feel different right now. I hit the buffet and started by trying to have things I knew were free and then I saw puddings!! Different little chocolate yummys! I had to really reign myself in or I could of stuffed my face full of little chocolate treats! Me and one of the girls snook back up for more chocolate. My crumble went down well and I managed to count the syns for what I had and didn’t go crazy. I had a chat to some of the girls that are doing so well and my new internet slimming buddies. I like it because there obsessed with the diet like me and can talk slimming world recipes and ideas until they are blue in the face, like me. The only way I can do it is if I obsess over it. L one of the girls whos doing so well had had a really bad 3 weeks and admitted to full on bingeing at times but this week she then lost 1 stone 4lb!! Thats mental in one week!! She really must have been bad! I got my sticker for my first stone off! One stone gone forever whoo!!

At work seeing my disappointment with half a pound they showed me in the nurses room what a pound of fat looks like and it was massive! And quite heavy. Half of one of those in a week is actually not bad! Go me!

Busy shift with power cuts mid way! I ate my lunch for tea instead which I’d put a few too many chillis in and it blew my head off! I love fresh chillis with light philidelphia. Hot and cool. I avoided the shortbread biscuits even though they looked pretty good.

No treat days for me! I will be thin!

The rain was none stop and perfect timing on the A38 on the way home my windscreen wipers stopped working! I got home and told me D. He gave the same words he always does when I moan about cars. ‘Oh well you have to expect to spend money on cars. You cant be annoyed because of it’ Yes I bloody can. It cost me £125 last week and now it needs something else so yes i can be pissed off!! Hundreds of my hard earned cash on my stupid shity car I don’t like!

16/10/14 I stayed in bed as Mr D went to work and lazed around for about 45 minutes until I decided I wanted to cook. 8.30am making a packet pasta frittata. I soaked the cheese and brocilli pasta meal in the some hot water and then blanched some brocilli, greenbeans and peas. Then whacked it all it a oven dish with bits of bacon, peppers, mushrooms and eggs. Then sprinkled some light cheese on the top. I made Mr D a proper quiche that looked good also. Cant beat a bit of pastry!

It was then time for my first councelling sessionI was unsure of what to think after my disastourous behaviour therapy. I felt a little apprehensive but instantly felt fine as soon as I met M. She was about 60 friendly but not too friendly. She said she hadn’t read any notes on me so she could make her own opinion. She told me that councelling is a chance for me to talk and she could help me with my predicaments. She asked me why I was referred to theropy so I started to tell the whole story of how badly I was treated at my old job by the head teacher who bullied and isolated staff she chose that she no longer liked me  . She was quite shocked about the things that I told her and I then went on to present day, my job now, where im at and what worries me. She was great she listened and gave me advice that was not patronising quite the opposite. She told me what a confident, clever person I was and that I had my future plans mapped out and what I want to do. She didnt understand why I an attractive confident need to be writing a blog about trying to lose weight. She then just gave little bits of advise and backing up my ideas. She really backed my idea about studying and told me I need to look how black and white I look at people. As in i either like people or I don’t. At the end she did tell me that she had something she had to say. Wasnt sure what to expect?! But she told me that she remembers me, my brother and my mum from my primary school as I workd there. She recognised my surname and even though she never taught me , knew me. That is a impressive memory. I did recognise my surname but wouldn’t have knwon her. I told her this was absolutely fine and actually left feeling good.

I then went to see my dying Aunty. I popped to get her a card. What kind of card do you get fro someone thats dying? Cant get a get well soon! Im guessing I shouldn’t take chocolate. If I was dying I would want someone to be feeding me Chinese take away through a straw!I felt sick driving to see her.  Im glad I went though  I told her about my trip to India where the family lived when she was young.  We talked about stories from when we were young and I told her how were all doing. I think my other Aunty was pleased I’d come.

 I went to work and I just want to stuff my face with chocolate! I know Im still in a good place not to actually do it but everything is tempting me! We took the kids to the supermarket to get their meal prep stuff and everything looked tasty. Im craving sweet things again and the millionaire shortbread looked so good I just wanted to smother my face with it! All had in my bag was a apple and diet coke but they didn’t quite cut it. I was supposed to be saving my 2 double choc chip crisp bars as my healthy B for the evening but I devoured 2 in about 2 minutes.

Swimming tonight was great with the kids doing aqua aerobics, they loved it!  mangaged to get a good bit of exercise in too- always a bonus! I didnt go crazy tonight just a few evening goodies.

17/10/14 My alarm went off when I’d finally dozed off to a good sleep. Ugh thats me grumpy all morning.  Didnt sleep well which is no change for a Thursday night. It was my turn in the pool this morning which ended quite disatourous. A sat on the mini bus tired and aching so treated myself to a diet coke and my chocolate brownie slimming world bar (still obsessed with them) When we got back to class it was somebodies birthday so there was a pile of doughnuts and flapjacks. I had to crack out my other slimming world bar so I didn’t feel left out! I need to be pretty proud of myself right now. Tired, grumpy and aching after a tough morning and a doughnut is offered to me and I say no! Thats a pretty good achievement right there! I had some of my leftover fratata with some veggies for lunch Im really trying to keep my syns right down. A nice afternoon out with another class. The kids were tucking into their Friday afternoon treat and I settled for a diet coke. The teacher said ‘You don’t need to be on a diet you always look so lovely’ Its always nice to hear. Thats two people I don’t know well to tell me in 2 days. Pretty good for a fat bird.

I was sooo happy to be home today! Bubble bath, onesie on and I am staying in for the night! No takeaway this week so I needed to pull a good fakeaway out of the bag! Mixed grill! Homemade burger, (frozen from when I did my last batch) weight watcher sausage, tandoori turkey breast, corn on the cob, homemade wedges and salad. Mmmmm good!! Best thing about slimming world its for the folk with a big appetite! Not one of this diets where you have to have farty portions I can have a big hearty portion of mixed grill and feel happy and satisfied on a Friday night. What fucking diet?? Ha!!

18/10/14 Alarm went off early for the hen do extravaganza!! Starting with lazer tag. This is serious. Ive asked to be against my bro of course (the boys are coming this morning) Starting with a breakfast of bacon, mushrrom and spaghetti. Enough for energy but not too stodged up. As I arrived I felt unprepared I had bad stomach ache because I’d not had time for number 2 and didn’t have the right socks on! I was worried this may effect my pefromance. My only option was a porta loo. It had to be done. Was nice to see a few of me old chums. We got our army combat jumpsuits. Incredibly unflattering which I realised once I’d posed for photos making me feel unconftable and thinking about how Ive still got such a long way to go. The hen was in true hen do style with pink onsie, wings and pink army stripes. I might have a pink free hen do. I went full camflage with green face and spent time drawing a big pink dick on Cocks head as they were explaining how to use the guns. I probably should have listened as I didn’t really know what i was doing and made a big run for it with my gun, twisting my ankle afer 7 minutes. Luckily it wasn’t a lasting injury. People were talking about what guy was ex SES I then realised they were talking about Mr D. I found this very amusing Im not sure his skills to fix a tank would help him with a lazer gun! We should have gone along with it. We spent the next few hours running around like made heads. My aims not very good but I reckon it improved. The last game was the flag game. I like the flag game!! This time I held back and waited. Mr D was out after about 1 minute going for the main flag. I am going to bide my time. I went for one of the side flag but bloody Rambo was in there guarding it! I tried to go the other side but he was all over it! Then E got out so I took like a hostage and put her in to the tunnel quickly changed the flag and got out of there but I did it all too early Rambo changed the flag back and I died. Fucking bastard Rambo. Game over, over all wine to the Blue team!! Whoop, whoop!

We then went home with our army make up on blaring out the 90s tune full pelt and having a collective dance moves to take that. Im sure it looked amusing at the traffic lights 6 adults with face paint doing a dance routine with Take That blasting out the window. We got home and had time to chill out. I attempted to make some prawn balls I’d seen on the slimming world page. Smash (made up with the right water so not a tweak) savoury rice, prawns and spring onions made it to little fritters. They tasted like shit! I'd put all the energy and time into making them I'll bloody dunk them into baked beans and they'll be fine. Nothing worse than putting effort and ingrediants into a recipe that turns out like dog shit!

Little bit of relaxing time then got ready for the big night out. Apart from no matter how long I seem to leave my nails to dry they always smudge other than I was feeling quite nice tonight. I put on the polka dot charity number I'd been looking forward to wearing and curled up my long dip dyed extentions. I feel thinner and when i got in the car for the lift my bro and sister in law said they could deffo tell I'd lost weight! Finally its happening, now not to blow it on a night out! The first glass of wine went down nicely quickly followed by a couple of girly pink cans of perry (pretty much lambrini! This was guna be a big sess! By the time we got on the boat and had a vodka drinking game infront of us our group were already merry! The rest of the hen party were calm and sober. The group opposite us looked like they were out of the only wasy is Essex and got their style tips from Jordan. The third group all somber and in black looked like they were from a funeral but I belive it was a birthday. We played out drinking game with spicy vodka shots and a waitress came and warned us to put it away. We protested about it being part of the hen party games and got it straight out when she left. 10 minutes later she came back and took it off us. I manged to get a sneeky one to the bride, I was nice only gave her half a shot of the extreme chilli one whilst her mother looked at me like I was a creature off the moon! Im not sure shes ever been to a hen party before well not in the past 40 years anyway. Things only went down hill from here my booze filled gift bag (mainly vodka) went down quickly. A few girls were in full princess outfits the rest hadnt bothered. One girl who asked to join our rowdy end of the table said the only message she'd got was that they had to go in full outfits so they felt like idiots when they turned up. There was a few bought mermaid outfits would have liked to crack out my homemade one but we had our cardboard tiasras with jewels on! The food was a carvery which was a bit odd for a booze cruise but it meant even in my drunkeness I could stick to plan. I had some meat, veg and new potatoes didnt have any of the naughties not even gravy! I am bloody good. Things got messy there was lots of dancing and the hen managed to escape the oldies and was having a good time! It was great to spend a drunken night with some of my old work mates their such piss heads and so much fun! Theres a video with my dancing with my skirt up over one of thems head (no undies on show!) photos of seeing how low we could dance then me on the floor! I snook it round the back of the bar looking for my shots of vodka (never found them, or got caught!) we went upstairs and traded some crowns for some flower garlands I remember Mrs B saying to me put that pot on your head. I did. It was filled with water I was soaked for the rest of the night but too pissed to care I carried on regardless. There was some dodgy attempt to climb on the side of the boat but even we werent stupid enough to finish that task! there were big plans to go out in Derby when we got back but we were all pissed as farts and not being as young as we used to be headed home with sashes tied round our heads. Absolutly brilliant night!!

19/10/14 Woke up at 6.30am needing the loo. I then thought it would be a great idea to tell Mr D over and over that I loved him. (sounded romantic to me at the time) he didn’t think it was that romantic that I’d woke him up really early on a Sunday. Managed to get a few hours more sleep and then scoured the room for any signs of take aways of naughtys. I found 2 babybell light wrappers, a healthy extra slimming world bar wrapper and 2 empty packets of space raiders which is a total of 6 syns! Much better than the usual drunken mcdoanlds take drive through! Pretty chuffed with myself actually. I then convinced  Mr D that getting some fresh air would make me feel better so we’d have to go for a wonder round the carboot. I started off quite jolly but soon deteriated and realised I must have still been pissed and the hangover was starting to kick in! Didnt buy much by the end I was struggling to even focus on anything. On the car ride home I started to feel really shity. Not only was my head aching and feeling heavy. Tired, dizzy and now I started to feel a bit sick. We stopped at the shop so Mr D could buy some bits for brekkie and I had a ribena light which I was hoping would make me feel better!! I was happy to be home and snuggled up in the corner of the sofa with my ribena and some Kirsty Allsop on the TV whilst the Mr was making me breakfast. Why am I watching a programme about cakes when I feel crap havnet eaten anything all morning and I would love to have a scone with jam and cream right now!! Mmm I love scones! After sitting drooling at scones and chocolate brownies for about an hour breakfast was finally served!! I was worried that because I felt a bit sick that I wouldn’t be able to keep it down but I managed it and it was just what I needed and he made it completly syn free!! I love it how hes really helping me with the plan.

I felt shitty after breakfast. Trapped wind like I wanted to burp but couldnt. I paced around after half an hour it faded and I just curled up on the sofa for a few hours. Managed to pop to sainsburys but the bargains were crap. Not many goodies at all. I felt well enough to pull together a roast dinner (slimming world friendly) I even got the homemade 1 syn yorkshires out the freezer. That was enough effort for me for one hangover day.

I seriously dont want to drink again for a long time! It may have been a fab night but its been a really pretty autumn Sunday and Ive done fuck all and wasted my day through feeling like shit! So many nights out coming up too I just dont know how Im going to juggle them all with the diet and still lose weight!! Ugh

'Fat bird did good this week'

06/10/14 Another grey and miserable day! This morning I didn’t have to have that 20 minutes where I lye in bed waiting to see if the phone rings for supply. The phone rang earlier than normal to say they needed me so I was up showered and out the house in no time. I was in a class I know a bit but not too well. I took a group of students to the gym if I’d know I would have bought my gym kit and got a free workout! They ended up with two many staff for the afternoon so I happily said I’d go home but after working a double lunch. I had to sit down and eat my ham, cheese and grape salad before leaving as I was pretty hungry after watching the kids took into crisps after their work out.I popped to homebargains on the way home to get some oats so I could have a bash at some oaty, options hot choc biscuits. I forgot the oats but came out with £40s worth of stocking fillers and the odd little wedding item!

 Trying to work out syns on the Slimming World App that was a pain in the arse to set up with different codes and passwords to be able to get on in the first place and its crap! I put in weight watchers yogurts and it comes up with ‘basic yogurt greek style’ no thats not what I asked you. I ask it for brie and it comes up with ‘costa coffee panini’ So it can tell me what I can get at a coffee shop but not simple products! Today I was asked me if I was a student? I know Im spotty but come on love is your eye sight that bad you cant see the lines under my eyes? Im bloody 30!

Last week I was going out in my cardigan, this week Im putting my big fat winter coat to go to the pictures! What happened to the autumn jacket season? Its gone from a slight chill in the air to full on cold! We went to the pics armed with our 40% off voucher and cinema goodies. I’d munched through my 2 healthy b extra double chocolate slimming world bars by the first couple of adverts. I managed to hold off with my pom bears until at least the film started. I didn’t even eat one piece of Mr Ds popcorn. Even though I don’t think popcorn is that bad.

Got a message when I got in saying the hen do Im going to in a week and a half is Disney princess themed and theve got her a Cinderella outfit. Well when was this idea thought up if youve already got her an outfit? This doesn’t give us much time to get a outfit together! Right well normally Disney Princess means when you see a group of tarts with Snow White outfits bought off the internet with plunging neck lines, stocking and a skirt skimming their arses! Maybe thats me sounding old but Im pretty sure Snow White did not look like a slapper!! So what are the options Princess Jazmin? Nope deffo cant get my belly out. Sleeping Beauty what does she even look like?! Im not pretty enough to be Belle and it wouldn’t be easy to find a big yellow dress?! Frozen will probably be over done. Now I do have a mermaid outfit from my birthday. Can I be a fat Ariel? I’d need a red wig and hope that my shells and the rest of my outfit made it home in one piece after my birthday party! Its a maybe but I still think its too boring! Cant it just be Disney, I could go as Olaf! I have a snowman outfit! Hmm it would be hard to look like him. What about Disney bad guys? Cruela Diville? Can I go to a pretty Disney princess Hen Do as a bad guy? Ha! It would be like the time we turned up to a 60s themed party where everyonebody was hippies and the cast of Austin Powers and we strolled in dressed as Clock work Orange (the book was wrote in the 60s) I like to think out of the box! Right Ive got it. URSULA!! That would be amazing!! It doesn’t give me much time to make tentacles! This could be good!! Whoo I love a good fancy dress to make!! That will 5 Ive got on the go for the next 3 weeks!

07/10/14 My Ursula dreams have been squashed before Ive even got out of bed! Apparently you can just do accessories or go the whole hog for the theme so people are saying accessories as they havnt got enough time. Bah! What possible accessories are there? Im not just putting a crown on my head! Which one of them wears crowns anyway?! There arnt really accessories?! I don’t like this half theme! I am not wasting my Urula idea on this I will bank her for another time! Now if I do Ariel that is a full outfit! Bloody hell don’t know what Im going to do now!!

My skins bad again! Im growing a second head on the side of my nostril! Im hardly drinking, not eating any greasy food and eating loads of veggies so why the fuck am I spotty like a teenager??

Average Tuesday at work. I got to do my cooking plan with the students again and we went out to get the goodies for veggie and holumi kebabs. They went down really well! The shift went pretty quick.I got home and stood infront of the mirror me and Mr D both thought I’d deffo lost weight around my middle. This is the first time Ive looked in the mirror and genuinely felt thinner! Ive never felt happy about going for a weigh in but I am quite looking forwarded to getting weighed in the morning!

08/10/14 Mr Ds alarm went off at 6am. Didnt really sleep well and some how Ive slept in a dodgy position and all down the side of my neck and shoulder on my left side were aching. I need a massage! I zombied through my 2 hour morning shift. At the moment Im not even getting tempted by  the toast the kids are eating, I just happily ate my yogurt. I dashed home originally thinking I’d have a nap but as usual there is always stuff to do. I seem to be thinking about food all the time since being on this diet. If I’m not planning food, shopping for food, cooking food I’m eating! What happened to the free time I used to get to pop for a swim or the gym? I really need to get back on that but right now Im feeling good so blah!! I roasted some veggies with a little bit of bacon and boiled some green beans, peas and broccoli and then some rice. I fried them up together with a egg and made a couple of veggie kebabs! I took them with me in my little packed lunch box with me to fat club.

Our leader was back this week and some more regulars so it was a busy class. I felt confident going on the scales but was very chuffed at losing 3.5lb! Only half a pound off my stone!! I sat down and listened to the class next to swearing shout lady. I ate my chicken and vegetable rice at the back for lunch so I don’t have to try and get something between slimming world and goin to work. I actually like to stay to the whole class. Now our leader is back we didn’t go around discussing individual weight losses(there were about 30 people there!) but she was chit chatting about products and deals and stuff. It does remind me of a knitting club at times as the older women of the group natter and make jokes about younger men! Good job I stayed to the end as I only bloody got Slimmer of the week!! A little embarrassed but got myself a whole bag of fruit! The leader also bigged up my Blog too! Thats just bloody fantastic! So off I went back to the car big fat smile on my face (not quite as fat as a few weeks ago!) swinging my big ‘Slimming World’ bag of fruit. I might as well had written on my forehead ‘Fat bird did good this week’  I carried on smiling all the way to work feeling pretty damn good about myself!!

Was in school this afternoon and did the usual trip. Resi was busy tonight we had lots of crafts and then a spot of cooking so the night went quick. I did the healthy kebabs with the older kids and I find the kids that help prepare the healthy food are more likely to try it. I snook in some homemade coleslaw out of total greek with a little bit too much wocester sauce and some lean ham to have with my jacket and beans. Im not sure how many more weeks I can do of jacket and beans before baked beans start pouring out of all my crevacis!!

Home and enjoying some ryvitas with light phili toms and ham in bed. Notfeeling guilty about eating supper is one of my fave parts of this diet and Mr D loves it too! Pretty damn chuffed today.

09/10/14 Woke up not even trying to convince myself that I was going to go to the gym this morning.  The gym can fuck off right now Im a busy lady. Work, shopping, cooking, spending quality time with Mr D. Not much room for anything else.  I put on a dress I’d not worn in ages remembering I’d bought it in the asda sale for £3. Bargain when putting it on I realised it was only a bloody maternity dress! I mean us fatties all do it at times. A pair of trousers with a extra bit of stretch not mattering if you put on a few pounds or a top that is fitted on the bust but a bit baggier on the belly so it doesn’t cling to your rolls? Hell yeah, bring on the maternity clothes! (maybe just don’t admit it to anyone) Been blasting the net trying to find somewhere awesome to take Mr D for his birthday. Our birthday rule is our main present to each other is the main present is to book them a suprise weekend away. Ive had so many ideas this year but I just cant seem to decide. Do I push the boat and go somewhere a bit further and go somewhere he never would expect or will that mean we have to have too much spending money? Or  know we’ll have a good time whatever and keep it more simple. Last year I took him to a hippie camp and we stayed in a Tipi. A little chilli for November but it was awesome. Snuggling up next to the fire, having a loo with a view,watching the sun rise and drinking warm ciders at the local! Need to top that.

I had burger and chips for lunch! Dont worry it was a slimming world special! I improved on coleslaw and made it with quork and just a little bit of Worcester sauce, few chips, salad and a burger made of lean mince, onions, seasoning with a extra light cheese triangle in the middle of the burger. It wasn’t too shabby at all. Who needs Mcdonalds anyway?!

We had potaoes for tea at work too tonight. Eating too many potatoes is not good. Im feeling stodged and bloated and fat. The order was wrong so Ive ended up full of the brown fuckers! I must remember I should not double spud it where possible. Took the students swimming tonight they had music on this week. Walked in to  Frozen number blasting out, got to admit love a bit of Frozen! Much better swimming to music it kind of makes you do a dance swim. So you put a little wiggle in as you swim. I like a dance swim.

Cracked out a book before bed. Finally got my Insurgent book. Need to read before the film comes out next month. Book and curly wurly,  I know how to live!

10/010/14 So Ive got all this fruit from Slimmer of the Week I was thinking of making a crumble but apparently then it becomes syns! Something about because the fruit cooks down and is smaller you have to syn it? But I don’t see what difference that makes because you can eat as much fruit as you want anyway?? You cant have smoothie for similar reasons something to do with when the fruit is broken down it realises more sugars? Well when Im chomping it in my mouth is that not the same thing? You cant mush a banana on toast but you can mush it in your mouth? Makes no sense to me. All to do with ‘tweaking’ recipes and the women go bloody mad on the Slimming World site the things you talk about tweeking! They even start having a go if people ask for help with syns but with the app being sooo shit how else you suppose to find out about syns!

Theres alway so much cake to try and avoid at work. First someone bought in this gorgeous looking apple pie from costco. I then went in to class and they had cake again! I am strong, fuck you cake!!

I cant Blog all the reasons Im pissed off today. Its a shame because that is exactly the reason why I Blog.

To cheer myself up I managed to find something awesome for Mr Ds birthday. It wasnt quite the idea of going to Poland I had or as simple as some of the other ideas. I booked something in the middle!! Really didnt want the craziness of booking flights and doing it all in secret. Im pleased with my choice, hope he likes it. I was not in the mood to leave the house I had a bubble and put my onsie on before Mr D even got through the door. I'd spent ages studying just east apps for things I could eat. We ordered from a grill and got some chunks of tandoori chicken, lamb and some shish kebabs. We made our own rice and salad and grilled a 8 syn wrap. Really need to find those gluten free healthy B option wraps. I should make lists before I go shopping!!

The Hen do are still undecided if were in full fancy dress or doing accessories!! ‘Oh yeah thats a good suggestion for a outfit’ ‘Oo I could do this’ ‘I’ll look a idiot if you guys are in fancy dress as I havnt got time to sort it’ I then offered to help make a costume for someone else. No reply.  ‘actually lets just do accesories’ and then people are stressing about the dares for the hen. No drinking ones and nothing embabrassing as she wont do it infront of her mum. Not sure Im the right person to make up ‘nice’ dares. I’ll leave it to the others.

I cant sleep Im back too a million things going round my head. I am just fucking pissed off I just cant stand it when people that are fake, cowards, indecisive, that sit on the fence! It started off with one big thing annoying me and now lots of little things are annoying me too. I just don’t like people a lot of the time. I prefer children and dogs. And adults that act more like children.

The world can sod off and leave me alone right now. I feel like not bothering with anything in the next few weeks. Im going to hibernate.

11/10/14 Woke up feeling okay Im hoping Im over my afternoon/evening of pissedoffness. Im throwing myself in to things that make me happy this morning. Mr D went off to work so I sorted out all the Christmas presents I’d been buying in the last few weeks and just chucking on the spare bed. I went through all the baskets under my bed/ the small spare rooms bed and the big spare rooms bed all full of pressies. I then got side tracked thinking how good the costco apple pie was that someone bought into our office the other day and decided to check out the costco site for wedding food. It all looks amazing, exactly what we were thinking for a ploughmans! Is costco food good enough for your wedding buffet??! After happily spending the morning organising Christmas presents and pottering Mr D came home and we had a good veggie stir fry for lunch. I will always hate stir frys.

We went for a potter round town for some more bits for our Halloween costumes and also got some nice off cuts of fabric for bunting. Really need a sewing session to get the outfits done. Got some amazing buttons and patchs for the Halloween outfits. Really need to finish the outfits off! Where does my time go?? Managed to get some diet goodies, wedding goodies and Mr D carried me 3 boxes of diet coke to the car. Love that man. Ive some how managed to have lots of bags and spent more than I wanted too.

Tonight we were off to my friends 30^th birthday at a private cinema in Notts. I decided to drive because Im skint and cant have cinema munchies and drink and I really cant be arsed to be catching 2 buses before I even arrive! Nope, nope. Got my bag of treats light babybells, diet coke, slimming world cereal bars and pickled onion space raiders. We went to see ‘Idol hands’ a spoof horror from the 80s. It was absolutely awful! I understood why she picked it as it was something her and her brother loved from their childhood. It was so bad it hurt and to top it off alot of people were already pissed and rowdy. Oh my god that makes me sound so old! But they were. By the end people were pretty steaming and talking absolute bollocks.  The birthday girl seemed happy so thats all that mattered Im not moaning it was her night. I felt very old and very sober. We went to a few bars with them and I had a good catch up with the birthday girl who was one of the very few sober ones and we laughed at her friends who kept coming over and saying things like ‘you guys dress so cool’ ‘you look so beautiful’ Im pretty sure they had their beer goggles on so compliments really don’t count. The drunken very blonde lady who I used to work with briefly with my friend a while ago had started to talk to Mr D. I thought this was hilarious, I could hear her talking absolute bollocks I don’t think he had any idea what she was on about and he kept kicking me under the table. Best moment of the night. Ive promised her I owe her a good night out and I mean it. Tonight just wasn’t it. Mr D was pretty drunk on the way home and after only snacking early evening we were hungry. I quickly went on the slimming world page and looked at what i could have from the Chinese. I still had plenty of syns for the week so why not bloody enjoy them??! I ordered some king prawn noodles and beef with mushrooms. I gave Mr D ‘the look’ when he ordered chips. Just rub them around my lips then take them away why don’t you! Bloody chips. I mainly ate the meat and tried not to eat much of the sauce it was in as I gathered thats where all the naughtys were. Good end to a sober Saturday night.

12/10/14 Mr Ds alarm went off at 6.30am!! Soooo many times he forgets to turn the bloody alarm off!! As uaual I couldn’t sleep and got up and did some washing and pots. Mr D was a little rough but he came to the carboot with me. It was busier this week. We bought 2 tables for the wedding for a few quid. (ther starting to mount up I really need to get some painting done!) and then I got a good duvet cover for bunting and that was it. I do really love a carbooty!! Mr D went off to visit family at the hospital and I got ready for my bridesmaids to arrive. Finally got the 3 of them together. I made some fantastic pulled pork which had been cooking in the slow cooker over night with a can of diet coke. I grated some apple in it and it was pretty damn good! The pork had a coating of maple syrup on it but there were chunk of butter on it which I took off before cooking so this must have took the syn values down? I didnt use my bread allowence as I was giving the girl big fat cobs and Im not allowed one of those. If I cant have a big fat one then Im not even going to bother I just had a bit of left over rice with mine. My bessie then wanted pudding so I gave out my eton mess ice cream I wasnt that fussed about it anyway! I didnt have any training to keep my syns low with having 2 take aways this weekend!

I really enjoyed having my favourite ladies together and after all the baby chat (if they havnt got one there brewing one!) we started planning the hen do!! We all agreed our only option really is the Pontins Southport but the acts are still not announced yet so cant really decide until then. The bessie got straight on the blower and they said the acts would be out in Jan. We had a nose on the website at the acconmdation. Its not great but you cant expect it at a Pontins! Its probably not been done up since the 80s! They had one bungalow which was their gold accomadation. It was barely bronze but it was better than some of the boxy appartments so we rang to find out if it was available. It was but the guy said it will sell out quick so obviously the only option was to quickly pop a £50 deposit on it!! Hen do booked ooosshhhh. Feeling rather bloody exciting!! Ive never had a girls holiday. Ive been away with friends, couples and just one of my girls but never all my faves! and we have our own little girls pure 90s bungalow for the weekend eeekkkkkkkkk.

Really couldnt be bothered to rush around going to asda so no 10p shop today, which also meant no joint of meat for the roast. Sausages would have to do. Weight watcher ones are only half a syn so not bad at all. I tried the slimming world roasties tonight. You part boil them, fluff them up and put them in the oven. You then put a pint of stock in (so there about half way up the spuds) and leave them to soak up all the liquid and go all lovely and crispy!! Deffo worth a shot for anyone trying to cut down and not use any oil. I also did the one syn yorkshires which were just flour and egg realy but they turned out not bad either. Good big fat roast for 3.5 syns yum!!

 

Feeling fat. tonight  I feel I might have been over carbing and not enough veggies again. The next couple of days Im going to eat lots of vegetable and no spuds!! Ugh

'Are you growing a baby?'

My Blog is important to me, it is my ups and downs of trying to lose weight. Unfortunately most things in my life effect me trying to lose weight that which makes my Blog like a diary. I say what I feel. This Blog is anonymous you wont  find any full names, places of work or photographs of my face. If you think your in this Blog and are offended then you cant know me very well. I know my readers and I wouldn’t set out to offend them, Im quite happy to voice any problems I have in person. This is not my flaw it shouldnt be me looking at myself because of this. The problem with technology is when you read a text/email/blog you can easily take them in a way that it was not intended. I suggest people should re read things a few times before acting upon it. I hope the people I surround myself with can equally speak to me. I have a good following of people who understand me and support me but unfortunately my Blog will have to now change slightly. Im not angry about this just disappointed. If you don’t get me, don’t follow my Blog.

29/09/14 The dreaded Monday morning where Mr D goes off to work and I then spend the next half an hour waiting to see if I get called in to do supply. I should probably get showered and dressed just in case as if the call is made at 8.10 I only have 20 minutes to get showered, ready, have a filling slimming world breakfast and prepare a slimming world lunch!  As I waited I thought how I should do something better with my Mondays, like study. I would like to go to University so I could further my career but it would mean starting right at the beginning. I would need to do a access course which Im sure is a year full time so one day a week  would take a while and thats before I even start the degree! Then theres the expense, how would I bloody afford it? And then it would take me about 9 years to do so by the time Im 40 I’ll have a degree whoo! Ive been looking on and off for years maybe if I'd done it before I would be a third of the way through by now. Maybe I’ll google it anyway. The phone call didn’t come so time to enjoy my Monday off!

I started by getting on top of a few things. I emailed the therapy place today after trying to contact them several times  about wanting to switch from behaviour therapy. Ive received 2 letters from them saying I'm being taken off their system and not received any calls back which I asked for so I emailed to speak to the Manager. She responded quickly, apologised and has quickly got me an appointment with someone different for counselling. I achieved what I wanted but do I want counselling?? I did the extremely boring task of taking my mum shopping. Mum can have blond moments sometimes and spend 10 minutes on the vegetable isle looking for cheese. Shopping takes a while and I really didn't want to be spending any money. I then took my nan swimming again. A good afternoon natter about weddings and diets (is this all I talk about?!) whilst having a leisurely swim. Not a bad way to spend a afternoon.

I like to have baths at random times of the day. Today 5pm its nice to smell fresh when your Mr walks through the door. I cant get internet in the bathroom but I managed to set my laptop outside the door on the wash basket. I had to sit at the tap end which is shity as you end up with hot and cold shooting through your back at if you lean back too far! I was catching up with the weekend X Factor and the 28 year old woman came on, the one with the long pink hair extentions. Dont get me wrong I still wear bows in my hair and dye my hair random colours from time to time but she dresses like shes 15! Rara skirt and a big orange backwards cap? Really?

I made bulger wheat in the slow cooker today. Chucked in spring onions, mushrooms, sugar snap peas, spinach, bulger wheat and a jug of stock. It cooked really quick actually I left it a little too long (2 hours and it had gone more like risotto) but is good if you quickly want a nice flavoured bulger wheat which is better for you than rice. I cooked it with a lamb steak which I removed all the fat but it says in the book that this might still be syns. Well I have no idea how many? How would you work that out? It was a lean bit of meat and I ate no fat so that should be syn free? I kept my syns low just incase.

Spent the evening chilling with the Mr and having messages from my friends cancelling future plans. Sometimes I don’t know why I bother with people. Its always me trying to get together and organise things. I swear if it wasn’t me that made all the effort I wouldn’t ever see anyone. Im a bit fed of it all Im going to bed.

30/09/14 I woke up feeling a little deflated this morning. Normally 3 weeks in to a diet when Ive really stuck to it I feel so much better and I can tell in my clothes. I don’t yet. Ive joined all these different groups on facebook to find out about different diets people are doing and to promote my blog and people are dropping a few stone in weeks! I know that thats not healthy to do and Im doing it the best way but Im just feeling inpatient. I put my skirt on this morning which a year ago I had to put a stitch in to take it in because it was too big. Its still a little snug (without the stitch!) All I did then was 3 weeks with no carbs and I dropped a stone and must of lost a good few inches. All these carbs Im eating don’t feel good for me! Maybe I should try and cut them down a bit. I was going to eat homemade chips for lunch but think I’ll make myself a big chicken salad and go to the gym first!!

Went to booby shaking hip hop hippy class. Dance fit. I parked myself out the way in the far corner of the room so then nobody get in my elbow space or any sweaty bum cracks in my face! A few regulars were there and the guy out of ‘The Dectectives’ (Not Jasper Carrot the other one) got closer than he needed to get to me and kept looking in my direction like he wanted to chat. I kept looking in the other direction his tiny shorts left nothing to the imagination and I was worried if he bent down near me I would get full view of a sweaty ball sack. He had lovely pink socks on and diamonte detail on his t shirt. He was really feeling the new dance to a Micheal Jackson number shaking his thang! I felt positive being back in class and exercising! I vowed that I would start getting back to Thursday classes also, I will shift this weight!! Ooshh in the zone.

Work wasn’t so bad for a Tuesday I ate my usual jacket poatoe with beans for dinner and didnt do any snacking. Got to do my cooking plan tonight and we went shopping for ingrediants before making healthy pitta bread pizzas with loads of veggies on for supper. This went down well for a first cooking session. I may have to make these at home instead of using all my 15 syns on a bloody crap pizza base!

Today a young person said to me whilst poking my stomach ‘Are you growing a baby?’ Just as I was starting to feel bloody thinner!! And its like shes some drunk in the pub saying it. Kids don’t lie, they say it how they see it! Bloody tight skirt and I bloody look pregnant!!

01/10/14 Split shifts are tiring. I got in last night after 10.30pm and then had to get up at 6.40 to start work at 7.30am uggggghhhhh. I went to work ina zombie stylein a tired trance but had woke up a little by the time I arrived. It was busy busy at work had a none stop 2 hours getting the students fed and ready for school.  I decided to head straight home for a short dooze but after sorting out washing, dinner and cleaning up it was already time for fat club! I arrived last but just in time to get weighed I felt a bit of pressure as everyone was sitting round a circle waiting for me to get weighed so they could start the meeting! I knew it wouldn’t be a big loss as I just wasn’t feeling it. I normally know my body well enought to know when Im doing well. 1.5lb off. 10lb in 3 weeks. Cant help but feel disappointed. I want big things and quick! I sat in the circle and ate my pasta with roasted veggies, bacon, light philli and total group whilst they went round all the members and discussed there week. I quite like this idea as you really want to share good things with the group and not the leader to stand in front of everyone and say ‘So why have you put on 2lb this week?!’ As I arrive last and have to go before the end Ive never got round to me before but mum was busy today so I stayed. As I was last people were looking a bit bored they’d already discussed some people in a lot of detail and it was getting close to 12.30 so I didn’t have much choice but to keep it short and sweet. Everyone said how well I’d done and Im on avaverage losing 3.5lb a week. Well I don’t think you can really count it fairly as everyone always gets a big one in the first week after theve previously been eatng cookies for breakfast so its harldy an average! I chatted a little bit but didn’t go into anything in great detail as I saw everybody ready to get out the door. I vowed to myself this week I would cut down on all the carbs Ive been over indulging on and eat lots more veggies!

Busy evening at work finishing with a long discussion on favourite pizza toppings. Mmm I want pizza. Pizza hut spicy beef or go really dirty and donner meat pizza wow its been years since Ive had one of those. Pure filth!!

02/10/14 When I woke up I knew I was not going to the gym. I could of done with getting some extra sleep but nope I started thinking about wedding invites and had to go into town right then to try and get what I wanted. I went round all the arty shops and never found anything I wanted but I wasn’t too disheartened because bought lots of little bargain Christmas pressies from the Works. I love The Works! I popped in the pound shop on the off chance and found some card making in the right colours. I wasn’t even sure exactly what we wanted or needed but when things are at a bargain price I find the best thing is just to get them as I don’t want to regret not buying them in the long run! £20s worth of buttons and little flowers and I was happy to go home with my purchases. I then had an hour to run around getting all my stuff together and made me self salmon and vegetable rice.

When I was driving on the way to work I waved at a guy I thought I recognised. He looked at me strangly and I realised I thought I reconginised him because he looks like one of the hairy bikers. I spend too much time watching cooking shows!

Usual Thursday afternoon in school then off to settle in for the evening. Really wanted chocolate! I had 2 of the Slimming World Double Choc crisp bars and they are bloody good! I wanted to eat 6 and stuff them all in my face right now!! Why did I bring the box with me when Im stay over?! I had the proper munchies but manged to keep a lid on it and stay within my syns ands just enjoyed a extra choc crisp bar and a bag of pom bears!

I seem to be watching a film about giant scary human eating hamburgers?! Even cartoons are making me want to eat!

03/10/14 Woke up feeling werid after having a dream about an old friend who I used to volunteer at camp with. Not seen him in about 4 years and we were making jokes about herpes!! No this isn’t any reflection on what we used to get up to! (I watched a programme called Scrotal Recall  last night) But as I hit snooze it might me daydream about the friends that come and go in your life. In the 5 years I did camp as well as having a amazing week every year helping children have a great holiday that wouldn’t normally have one I made some awesome friends. Unfortunatley you usually only saw this friends once a year but then for that week you’d be absolutely bessies for the week and have the time of your life! I am going to message J today on the internet somewhere they’ll be videos of our yearly dance routine where we’d pull out a full dance routine wearing stupid outfits often made out of bin bags! They were some damn good times!! Maybe I’ll drop him a message today.

Normal day in school. I'd not had much time to organise my lunch so had a tin of chickpea dahl it was a little boring on its own but at least it was no syns! Friday is date night and we decided to go back to The mallard tonight as we totally enjoyed it a few weeks ago. This time I treated my self to a sachet of salad cream so my jacket spud was less dry. Well worth the 2 syns! I really could do with carrying a load of these little sachets around with me. Even better if I could get some light salad cream or light mayo! I asked if they had light dressings, they didnt. I asked if they had diet lemonade, they didnt. They should start catering more for us dieters!! Well I wasnt going to waste syns on full fat lemonade, wine on its own it is then! We got our free bottle whoo! (even if it did take me about half an hour to do an on line survey to get it!) I aimed to only have one glass but I had 2. Well it is Friday night!!

I wanted my little pots of weight watchers ice cream not one but 2 and decided Im going to sart spreading my syns accross the week. I start off with my 105 and then count down usually having lower in the week then I can indulge a bit more over the weekend and having that extra bottle of wine. This felt much better and much more 'normal' I hope this works for me.

04/10/11 The day was grey and miserable and reminded me no matter how much I love autumn and the colours this is the reason you don’t get married in autumn! My friend L came over at 8.30am so no time to mope about because its horrible outside. L is going to be helping set things up at our wedding reception venue so we went through everything and updated her on all the plans and ideas. I’m really lucky to have friends that are so helpful Im so pleased she agreed to do it. As there are very few people i can trust with important jobs! You could say Im a little OCD and over organised and really don’t like giving people jobs to do.Im struggling letting the girls organise any bits of my hen do! But I cant really get the wedding lunch and drinks ready for guests as Im getting married so I am completly trusting her with the job! We started chatting hen dos and the ideas I have and we thought it might be a good idea to put a few possible dates down ready. After making a facebook group my maid of honour is busy on the first 2 dates for next July! Heres me thinking im just being over organised and it looks like its a damn bloody good job Im looking at dats already!! I Really wanted my Butlins 90s weekend but we may have to step it down a bit and have a Pontins one because of the dates and area. Really thought Butlins Skegvegas would have a good 90s weekend in the summer. Disapointing!!

Mr D came home and we had a big chicken and bacon salad. Loads of greens! Really trying to pack them in this week! The chicken and bacon was still warm shame I had to skip on the cranberry sauce! I miss cranberry sauce! Mm brie, cranberry and bacon Panini my favourite sandwhich havnt had one of those for a while. is it weird to daydream about nice food? We spent the afternoon in the warm and cosy having a Heroes marathon.  The plan was to head off to the pics later on in the evening. Got a 40% off voucher for Odeon. Bonus but we didn’t make it. I had a crack at another fakeaway tonight. Homemade pie!I had to simmer the gravy for an hour and a half  just to get nice and thick. I used 4 times the amount of thin pastry it said in the recipe and it was still stupidly thin. These recipes are a bit of a joke. Theres no way 22.5 grams of pastry is enough to cover a pie to feed 4 people.  I put extra veggies in it and we had it with homemade chips and mushy peas. I didn’t even bother with the pastry as the small piece I had would of been about 12 syns!! By the time we’d done all this we couldn’t be bothered to get ready and go to the pics! So we sat on our asses and watched more heroes!

05/10/14 Woke up by a text from my mum. Mums never awake before me., 8.15 is very early for mum at the weekend! She wanted to go to the carboot which was opening again today. Theres usually alot of crap but attracts the kind of audience that will buy anything! All the crap!! After eating some greek yogurt in bed we got up and got my mum. We strolled round but it was pretty quiet the word probably hasnt spread that its open again. We manged to get ourselves another set of chairs and table to paint up for the wedding. We don’t need many more just for the people moaning about not wanting to sit on picnic blankets and bales of hay. We then popped over to see my bro, neice and my sister in law for her birthday! Both thought I looked thinner! This is good not seen them for a few weeks and Mr D is the only one so far thats said hes noticed! Really hope it starts showing soon so I can stay motivated!! I was hungry but must still be feeling good because I just snacked on a couple of quite sour tasting sasumas from the bottom of their fruit bowl.

We smashed the Asda 10p shop today even though it was mad full of regulars who seem to be getting more and more by the week but Im quicker than some of them. Get in there quick grab some bargains, get out the way!  We got loads of salad and carved ham from the delhi. Plenty for the freezer too chicken breasts and fish in sauces. Ooshh who can say they do a £5 shop? I gave Mr D the shopping list with all the little extras I need for the diet. Eggs, weight watcher sausages, bacon lardons, beans and don’t forget the emergency asda chickpea dahl! Mr D was staring and slightly drueling at the make your own Asda pizzas, he used to eat many in his single days. I told him to go all out and treat himself to his fave pizza as I was going out with the Bessie for dinner.

Good catch up with the pregnant one and I smashed the carvery! (In a good way) Even though I had plenty of syns. I didn’t have any Yorkshire, stuffing, mash, roasties or even gravy! Becasue this fabulous carvery does mushy peas and just poured them over the meat instead of sauce of gravy! And it wasn’t bloody bad! I am all over this diet!!

15 syns for a thin crust barely there pizza base?!

17/09/14 Didnt have to do my split this morning whoo! As the kids arnet all back staying in resi yet. I met mum and my neice for our Wednesday swim but little one wasn’t really in the mood today. She just wanted to play with my locker key and chew the float so not much exercise was done.

I posted on My group slimming world site how I really didn’t think I’d lost anything and felt horrible. The group quickly got back to me with support and I think its really good to have people to give you advice and stay on track. I was pretty nervous as I just wasn’t feeling good and I just knew how gutted and pissed off I would be if I hadn’t lost any. When I walked in I arrived to ‘Hellos’ from the Group Leader and the lady who had been given me loads of handy tips on the internet, wich was nice. I’m used to doing things on my own and normally just keep my head down and keep myself to myself. You know what I’m like with new people! Ive been going to my gym classes years and people don’t know my name so it was actually quite nice. I noticed a girl who lived on my street when I was growing up. I don’t forget a face especially anyone that has made cruel comments. I can think of exact times and places people said cruel things to me when I was young. She used to sing ‘Mr Blobby’ to me everytime I walked down the street. (I wasn’t even very fat as a kid) I guess now she has to be at a fat club too that is what you call karma!  I stood in the queue waiting to get weighed knowing if it was bad I would want to jack it in straight away but I lost 6lb whoo. It was all worth it after all. People were asking me what I’d lost and the lady who gave me advice gave me a big hug. I pottered around waiting for the class to begin and read some of the fakeaway book and tucked myself away at the back.  When the class started the advice lady was awarded some flowers and everybody congratulated her for doing so well at some important slimming worlds final. Everybody was completly behind her and proud of her. Shes lost 6.5 stone in a year I believe her friend has lost 8 stone. Both girls abit younger than me. It was very inspirational and I want that to be me. I want to lose 6 stone in a year! If they can do it I can do it! Very motivating and inspiring. I think I’m going to like this class. I listened to most of it and sat next to a old woman that kept trying to make funny comments every few minutes and swore like a trooper. I liked her. I snook out before the end to have time to grab lunch at mums round the corner before work. She’d tried really hard to make us a nice slimming world lunch of salad and roasted stuffed peppers. The rice was hard and I just couldn’t eat it so quickly whacked a tin of tuna on my salad which I later had to use 5 syns for my bit of salad cream I squirted on!

Work was fine. I had another lovely watery jacket potatoe with baked beans ugh! A few of the girls messaged me from our group on facebook and one I’d not spoke to added me. I wouldn’t normally say yes but this girls seem nice. They said I should of sat with them. I’m not used to speaking to people at these things. Bless them.

Found out my best mate is having a  baby shower but its the only date I cant do.Apparently it was organised in August but Ive not seen the invite.  Its a shame but got to admit I’m not sure how I feel about baby showers. Think it is just is a reason for people to give you presents. I mean what else do you do? Play pass the nappy?

18/09/14 Woke up in a bit of a soppy mood just casually daydreaming about how lucky I feel to have Mr D and such a great family. Think after having it pretty damn shitty at times in my life I have to pinch myself to check its all real. Yup its real so I decided instead of going back to the Thursday morning bums, legs and tums class I would head to Asda. I just don’t feel like doing some of old classes right now. Not really sure why maybe I’ll go next week. I went to Asda to top up on a few of my Slimming World essientials but quickly got sidetracked by the sale.  There was a great underwear sale they do some really nice stuff and got up to decent sizes! I could have bought lots but just bought a few sets. Just because I’m fat does not mean I can not look my best with or without a dress on! I may not be anywear near a underwear model and you wont find me any tiny thong with muffin tops hanging over the top but equally I’m not going to be in granny pants! Plenty of nice French knicker sets out there  for larger ladies!

I made a delicious lunch of roasted veggies (onion, pepper, courgettes, chillies and garlic) with bacon lardons, pasta and some philli light. I made Mr D a pesto version.  I went off to work for the usual Thursday afternoon where we take the kids to Morrisons to get their meal prep but as we were just pulling in I got a massive stomach ache and then went hot and felt like I was going to puke. I had to apolagise for the lack of my support with the kids and dash to the loos. I was in absolutely agony was a bit sick then 5 mins later started to feel okay. I thought it was going to start spurting out of both ends and I'd be stuck in there with work people knocking on the door. Like the Finch scene from American Pie. I went outside and got some air. We then got on the bus to Mcdonalds and J got me a bottle of water. Half an hour later I felt fine. Mr D joked it was morning sickness, we don’t make jokes like that! No idea what it was. Felt fine the rest of the night. We were given potatoes for jacket spuds for tea but after eating them 2 days in a row we decided to make a change. Me and the girls made them in to chips and they had chips, cheese and salad and I had chips, beans and salad. Not a bad evening meal in this place. We took some of the students swimming so manged to get some exercise in then headed back to stay for the evening.

Worse case scenario when I got back to resi with the girls there having homemade flapjack for supper that they don’t want and their watching reruns of Youve been Framed. He just said is that cat giving a handjob?’ since when had Youve been frame not been child friendly!! And indeed the cat did look like he was giving a handjob. To the air no penis’ or anything! I really cant watch this awful crap and the flapjack is sooo tempting!! Ive got to throw it all away!! But I came organised with some low fat packet noodles for supper. I havnt had packet noodles for ageessss and I love them when theve been microwaved for ages and go all goey! Nope not these, I did half the packet and they were gross! How disappointing I guess the other half of fat is what makes them taste good. Well luckily I came super doper organised and after last week desperately trying to find something sweet I made puddings! I used total greek yogurt and mixed in a highlights hot choc and put it over a crumbled slimming world chocolatey cereal bar and it wasn’t bad! It wasn’t great but it wasn’t bad. Think it would have been better with quork as natural yogurt has a weird tang to it but I’m happily satisfied for the night. Its like because I’m sleeping at work all night and I’m on my own I have to have a little treat to make me happy. My Mr D substitute.

19/09/14 Slept a bit better last night even if I had to get up twice to make sure the washer and the drying were on. I had low level Managent Behaviour Training today. I tried to concentrate but it was basic, a lot more basic than I’m trained in. Alot of the main points are what I talked about in my interview no wonder they employed me it was exactly what they were asking us to do.  I also found out it was on until 4.30 when normally I finish at 3. I listened and doodled away in my notebook drank diet coke and was wondering how a lady infront could not tell that her massive white pants were hanging out. I was sat next to another large ladie its not always good put us together when some of us spill over the edge. It was very tight in there. I knew one of the teaching assistants. I really like her and we had our usual chat about failing diets over the summer. Her friends seemed nice. There was a new young girl who was a pretty large girl and was very pretty. I wonder how many times shes been told ‘your very attractive for a big girl’ Ive heard that a few times. Fuck off world! Shes just very attractive. Full stop end of sentence. You don’t hear people saying ‘your very attractive for a skinny twiglet of a girl’

I was happy to finish and happy it was date night with Mr D. I had time to go home and strip my hair. It worked really well and I am back to being a ginge! Put one of my nice dresses on and we headed out for a steak. I was completly in the zone and wasn’t even tempted by the sides Mr D had ordered not even the chunky homemade coleslaw. I had my really juicy nice steak, dry jacket potatoe, mushroom, tomatoe, salad and a few juicy prawns on top. Counted the possible oil that could have been used to fry it in in yesterdays syns and we headed to the supermarket to use my whole 15 syns on a pud! I’d done my research on the internet to try and find some good puddings for my syns. I’m totally in the zone getting all my info on the internet! They didn’t have the skinny cow I wanted so I opted for the eaton mess carte door with fresh raspberries! I could eat a whole third of it and I felt ‘normal’ at home on a Friday night with Mr D watching a box set eating my ice cream. What a great diet!

20/09/14 Didnt sleep very well. I didn’t feel tired for ages and I was tossing and turning half the night. Mr D went to work and after doing some washing and other bits I headed out to Willington. I feel quite different to how I felt last week, I feel less bloated, my skins cleared up and I feel slimmer! Maybe its all in my head but Im sure Im not nearly as round .I need to be making the most of carboots I still need lots for the wedding. Its the best place for fabric for the bunting I can pick up curtains and duvet sets for just a few quid which are perfect bunting material. Sadly it was pretty poor today and I only got some scales which I need for slimming world. I hate weighing things and avoid it where possible. Luckily I can have things like babybells instead of having to weigh out cheese. I decided to have a potter into town as I’d seen on the internet  Debenhams had a massive wedding dress sale. Well I couldn’t find one bloody wedding dress in the whole 3 floor bloody shop! I actually could of fancied Debenhams for wedding dresses as at least I wouldn’t feel stupid going in and I know they do decent sizes as Ive had 2 bridesmaids dresses from there. Nobody could come with me so I prob wouldn’t of bothered trying any on anyway but I do love a bargain. If you can only buy them on line how would I try them on to see what style suits me? I cant just keep ordering trying them on and sending them back! Well Debenhams you are losing money for this flaw! I decided to do a spot of Christmas shopping whilst I was there and had a look around the charity shops for parts of my Halloween outfit. I then headed home for when Mr D got back from work.

I made us a nice salad for lunch I try to make the effort at the weekend to make a good salad. I made up some batchlers rice for me as its free on slimming world. I only remember it being gash from my childhood when my dad would make it for us with some weird conconsion of warmed up garlic bread (rock hard) smash, beetroot and a weird crispy jacket potatoe. Unfortunatley it had got no better with time and it was pretty grim so I treated myself to a bag of freddo faces that i worked out were 7 syns. I really need to get some curly wurlys in!! As I was washing the pots Mr D put his arms around me and said he could defiantly tell Ive shrunk a bit! And no he didn’t want anything so it must be true ha! We had a bit of a lazy afternoon Mr D was tired with me keeping him awake with my tossing and turning. After a nice little dog walk Mr D got ready for his night out. I’d made plans with my mum to make a fakeaway and start making bunting and planning the wedding invites. I keep trying to get my bridesmaids together but they are busy ladies but me and my mum made a plan. I made a Chinese fakeaway which consisted of a Chinese curry, noodles and egg fried rice. Mum had a few glasses of wine but this weekend I decided not to waste my syns on drink but on nice food instead! We then spent time on the internet and finally worked out pinterest. We got a idea together for the invites that I could run past Mr D. I just need to find some wedding fonts. How do I download fonts on to my laptop with out getting any weird bugs? And they are hard to find! Just always links to this, links to that.

I couldn’t sleep until Mr D got in which was 1am. After he knocked on the door and got me out of bed and then unlocked the door?! He made burnt toast which he shared with the dog and then wobberled around upstairs. After telling me a story about a guy who was a ‘deuche’ over and over he then dashed to the loo and puked for about 20 minutes. Tell me why I was looking forward to him coming home??

21/09/14 I expected Mr D to be feeling rough this morning but he wasn’t too bad. We had quite a lazy morning together and I made breakfast in bed. A healthy one of course theres no dirty greasy fry ups in our house!! I was looking after D as a one off today. Ive not had him since the summer holidays so it was nice to see him. It was doing his parents a big favour and to be honest any extra money for my wedding pot right now I cant really turn down! I was so happy when it was sunny outside as its pretty hard to find things for him to do when the weathers bad! We took a walk to Carsington it was a bit windy but it was a nice walk.Its such a shame he doesn’t like dogs and we could kill 2 birds with one stone and give the pooch a good stroll too. Oh well. We had a good walk around and had some lunch. I had a nice chicken salad. Mr D joined us and D seemed fine with him. Think the fresh air did Mr D some good. We then dashed back in time to go and see ‘The Protectors of the Galaxy’ D is quite picky about his films but as hes a big star wars fan I thought he’d like this one. He was pretty adjutated at first when all the adverts were on and I started to worry if he was going to settle but I got him a drink and some sweets and he seemd okay. He concentrated on te film well and only randomly stood up in the middle a few times. I think he may have ate the wax off my babybell that I left on the side but other than that a successful trip. I then still had a bit of time but it was 6pm so I got him some dinner. We then nipped back to mine as it started to get a bit dark. He was fine at my house I just had to put the pooch in the kitchen. He chilled out and put his feet up and watched one of his favourites . It was funny because he had both DVDs he’d watch one for 10 minutes then want to switch to the other and Mr D kept changing them for him. I told him he can only pick the one. In future I must remember only one DVD out. By the end of it I was shattered! Dont get me wrong its not hard work hes a good lad to have but sometimes its rather draining. You have to be on the ball all the time and checking hes okay, i cant just leave him on his own at any point so even though its not hard you do feel pretty exhausted.I’d made roast pork, mash and veg for dinner but I just didn’t fancy it. I felt exhausted and didn’t even want my dinner. Thats not like me! By the time I dropped D off and got home it was 8.30pm I was feeling peckish but just didn’t know what to have. Until I knew exactly what I wanted. Eggy bread! I’d not used my bread allowance that day so eggy bread with lots of salt and pepper was perfect. An episode of Walking Dead then off to bed. Where did our weekend go??

22/09/14 I woke up with Mr D feeling very tired. I’m not sleeping well again. Not sure why I don’t feel worried.  I was pretty sure I’d get rang for supply today part of me hoping I would for the money and part thinking Im bloody shattered I want to stay in bed. The phone call didn’t happen. I snuggled up and didn’t wake up until 10.30am I must of needed it as normally I cant fall back to sleep easily. I woke up and had no plans at all. I rang my nan who has recently started swimming again so asked f she’d like to go. She did but first we had a potter round a couple of cheap shops. You get some good slimming world bit from shops like heron. Unfortunately not the syn free mullers but they had the other ones for one syn. There cheap as the dates are coming to an end but there fine. We had our swim and a good natter. Nan always wants to hear all the latest details about the wedding and I can talk about that until the cows come home! I noticed a guy walked towards the steps in very tight speedos with his small beer gutted popping over the top. When he walked down the steps slightly bent over they had gone really thin as hes obviously wore them way too many times. I could see bum crack through them and I swear I could see a bit of bollocks! How can you not know how thin they are when you put them on? You might as well go bloody skinny dipping!! We didnt work crazy hard but it was still nice and nan seemed to really enjoy herself. I went back to hers for bacon, beans, toms and eggs. I am starting to get a little bit fed of eggs as I seem to be living off them!! But I was happy having lunch with my grandparents. I like to see alot of them as I know how much it means to them.

I made bloody stir fry for tea. Why? I hate stir fry. I can always get it cheap, its quick and good for us. To make it worse I had to blody syn it as I forgot packet noodles have syns. I couldn’t find hardly any low syn stir fry sauces so had a bit of black bean and soya sauce but you need half a bottle for you to even taste it! I did top it with a nice bit of fish. Lets face it though fish is only any good in batter.

Why do I bother making the effort of making low syn ‘cakes’ they are utter shit! Any cake made of quork is bloody shit! Again I wasted loads of ingrediants to ry and make ½ a syn cookies made out of chickpeas and quork. Bullshit bloody horrible! I will not make this mistake again!!

Tonight I launched my new ‘diary of a fat bird turning 30’ page and have had a really good response.  A few people from slimming world have read it and Ive had good feedback. I hope this will give the chance for other people to be able to read my blog and understand my journey. Please help me promote it!!

23/09/14 Woke up feeling lazy this morning. Felt sleepy and had a headache. I’d asked my mum to come to dance fit with me this morning but she wasn’t up to it. If I was going with someone I think I would have got out of bed but I wasn’t so I didn’t move.  I couldn’t get back to sleep so I was just in a zombie tired state all morning. Even my breakfast of yogurt and fruit wasn’t good, too many blueberries. Ugh not in the mood today!! I really need to get motivated again in the mornings it was only a few months ago I was going to the 6.30am boot camp class ugh I don’t feel like going back there right now!! I just did the usual stuff walking the dog and cleaning up not alot else to be honest so off to work I went.

I’m not a fan of Tuesdays. I don’t have anything to report from my shift, nothing to talk about. Minge had been texting me about her new job. Shes got her own office and in charge of a whole house and has staff to line manage. It sounds perfect for her and Im really pleased shes doing so well. I miss being able to organise, having a budget, getting out and about working with families, making desions and being a important part of whats going on in the school. I got home and had a few tears. My mum would love my job its nice. I’m not sure Im very good at nice.

 

24/09/14 Am I thinner this morning? Am I thinner??? I think I feel a bit thinner!! Bloody hell roll on a few months of this so I can really see the difference!! I decided to take a potter to Hobby Craft to look for some light blue polka dot paper for my invites. I love hobby craft as was having a fabulous time looking at all the goodies. Wedding goodies, Christmas goodies, general beautiful make it yourself goodies! But no polka dot paper not even close. No where seems to do it! I do not like the thought of having to change my ideas for my invites! Hmm not impressed.

I then went off to fat club. Feeling pretty optimistic as I’d completly stuck to the plan not even used all my syns. Ive not drank this week so that helped. I found a free park just a extra 5 minutes away but the down fall is I pass a chip shop on the way. You just cant beat the smell of fresh fish and chips at lunch time. Forget Mcdonalds, KFC , a cake shop. The chip shop is always best. I strolled past and into Slimming World. It was much quieter this week. The girls I’d spoke to last week were off sick and the leader was off too. I lost 2.5lb which is good as thats over half a stone in 2 weeks. I couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed as in the past Ive had bigger losses early on but I suppose in the past Ive not been able to eat eggy bread and baby bells for supper and enjoy homemade chips and pasta! Im pleased. Im going to do this. Walking past the chip shop on the way back was harder. Every diet Ive ever done theres always been a treat after weigh in but Im trying to change habits. I can have a treat within my syns! I went to mums for lunch and I genuinely tried to look like I was enjoying it but I just couldn’t eat it. Pasta bake with tuna, tinned toms and spring onions. I hate warm tuna and it was even worse with tinned tomatoes. I know shes trying really hard to make slimming world recipes but I just picked at plain pasta. I felt bad but on the plus point my neice seemed to really like it.

Off to work I instantly used over half my syns on a bag of naughts and crosses and a curly wurly. Well worth 8 syns.  I quite like Wednesday evenings. We had more kids in which means its busier and time goes quicker.Weve organised an activity list leading up to half term with lots of autumn and halloweeny activities concluding a spooky party. Ooo how I do love Halloween and Ive always got lots of ideas of things we can make and do! It was a nice evening and even the new students who are a bit home sick settled in. With one of my girls saying to me ‘Resi is alright isn’t it?’ This is good progress. I like progress it feels like your doing a good job.

25/09/14 It was dark and drizzly outside this morning so after putting my nans tomatoes in the slow cooker with leeks, Worcester sauce and mustard powder I went back to bed. I had a nosey around some different diet pages posting my Blog trying to get some new readers. I had my first feedback from somebody I don’t know this morning and they said they loved my Blog. Its nice to know! One lady wrote the comment ‘had a little read of your blog... interesting but you swear in almost every sentence? Lol’ my reply ‘Yes I do like a good swear’.  On my page it does say don’t read if your easily offended and that I have a potty mouth. In my job I cant swear.  When I write about my life and the things that annoy me and are bugging me and even when Im happy with something in my head I swear! This Blog is whats in my head and you know what I like to bloody swear ‘fuck, shit, bollocks’ Makes me feel better. All better now. I believe its a sign of passion!! Passionate people swear!

Still didn’t go back to my gym class. Im just not as bothered at the moment I guess I’m complety fixtated on my new diet so even though I am planning on building it up again Ive not been as bothered about going to classes. My front garden is really getting to me. Putting bark down was the worse thing I could do. With the end of the summer gone everything is pretty much dead. I hate bloody gardening but I like the garden to look nice. I headed to homebase to buy a selection of plants. I didn’t just pick the ones that just look pretty or the bargain dying ones that i think I can rescue because there 50p. I checked the tags and made sure they were for the winter too and happily planted them to make the front garden at least look a little bit prettier. Note to self I will make a pintrest board on ideas for barked front gardens, I may get some better ideas. I can see my new found love for pinterest is going to get pretty big! I also bought some new diet goodies from the shop including choc shot. Liquid chocolate at 14 calories per teaspoon! Yes please! Thank you very much. Tempted to try a spoon full but managed to keep a lid on it! I reckon this might improve my pudding making. After my little gardening sess I quickly ran around and finished making my spag bol. I made a crazy amount for usual so theres plenty for Mr D and some for packed lunch tomorrow.  I ate it out of the saucepan to save pots. Does anyone else do that? When its just you eating on your own whats the point in a plate?!

School was the same as usual. Followed by swimming with resi which was fun got plenty of swimming in and got them doing different races in the pool to keep them interested and still exercising. Strange how in my old job I had so much to write about work like ‘Today I got a black eye’ ‘Today I helped stop a kid trying to get out of a car on the M1’  ‘Today I ran my own training and team building workshop for all the staff’

Its my night to sleep in today. Why am I eating quork pudding again? Its never going to taste good. Its okay its edible but if Im going to make the effort to spend money on igrediants, spend the time making it and use syns I might as well just bloody buy a shape chocolate mouse that I’ll like! Tonight I’d made quork with vanilla essence, sweetner, half a sachet of options hot chocolate and a teaspoon of peanut hottie.

26/09/14 I didn’t sleep too badly last night which is good. I hate feeling crappy on a Friday. Its good when I don’t work Mondays because the week goes pretty quick. I had a really good day at work today. My boss had cancelled my morning in school so I could do a home visit with her. Im guessing by the responce I got from other staff this is rare.

Following the comment I got about my swearing on my Blog the guy who I think runs the page wrote ‘We all do but of course bad language reduces the audience and so reduces the inspiration. Good luck with everything’  my reply ‘If I did my blog any other way I wouldn’t be being true to myself. I don’t believe it reduces inspiration in the slightest. A lot of people like to see real and honest and not sugar coated’  I was hoping we might have a good debate but he liked the comment! Blah Blah Blah. My thoughts ‘Fuck off!’

Average day at work. One of the students tried to eat a bird head but nothing else to report. Take away time!! I had studied my slimming world books and the facebook groups to get the best for my syns and suprising it wasn’t tandoori chicken! I thought it would be tandoori beens as thats just meat with spices dry fried? But apparently not! I made home made chips and rice to help me stick to plan and we ordered a lamb rogan josh and a chickpea dahl. The Rogan Josh was good but the dahl not so much! It arrived very oily which made me think it would have gone up in syns alot? But the oil seemed to just be floating on top so I tried to drain it off. We’d waited for it and paid for it so I was going to bloody eat it!! We watched a film called ‘Neighbours’ which had a few funny moments but wasn’t that great. It was like a crap ‘Old School’ and i love ‘Old School’ though it was amusing that the parenting skills of the parents still trying to be cool makes me think thats exactly what me and Mr D would be like!! Even with take away I still had syns for a little weight watcher ice cream for 2 syns! Oooshhh

27/09/14 Its a nice feeling walking up and having a whole weekend to ourselves. Mr D even made us a scrambled egg breakfast. I think hes getting used to my diet now and is quite happy to cook with spray light. We decided to go to Burton today as they have a fair few charity shops and we need to get on with our Halloween outfits! We popped to Willington as it was on the way (It would be rude not too) and came back with a little table and chair for the wedding for just a few quid. Slowly getting a nice little collection going now. We got some great goodies in the charity shops quite a few items for our Halloween costumes! We were good and was lured in by nice smells of burger vans in the centre and went home for lunch. We made the left over mincemeat we’d slow cooked into a chilli for lunch. I love a good lunch not using any syns!! Mr D then took the dog out as I craftly painted the furniture we’d bought at the carboot sale. As Mr D had said he quite liked it as it was but I have vision! I took 2 of the wooden chairs and the table and painted light blue that ‘d mixed. One of our wedding colours. I then remembered I had some red polka dot vinyl stuff in the boot of my car! I had bought 2 roles not for any reason I just thought they were a good price at 99p each and they’d been sitting in the boot of my car for 6 months! But now it was perfect! My bargain hoarding does work! The table and chairs upcycled in our wedding colours turned out great! Could do with a few more of them!! And Mr d agreed! I knew he would ;)

We spent the afternoon clearing out all the carboot stuff from the shed. I gave in and let us put it into 2 piles the tip and charity shop. There wasn’t really much left to make any money out of but I do find it hard chucking so many things away! We managed to make a mad dash to the tip and by the time we got showered and settled down it was 7pm! Tonight I tried to make another fakeaway! Pizza! We made the pizza dough mixture which didn’t stretch nearly as far as I’d hoped. If I wanted to eat the whole pizza it would be a whole days syns just for the base! This bloody recipes fool you into thinking your going to get a good pizza but they syn it on serving for 4 people! I loaded mine up spinach and left over chilli with my he A of my low fat cheese. We made homemade chips and salads and I attempted to only eat half but im a bloody fatty and its Saturday night I want a whole pizza!! So thats what I did I used all my 15 syns on a bloody thin crispy barely there pizza base! To be honest it kind of just tasted like chilli on a crispy bit of bread. The cheese got lost in the big load of chilli so its not something I’ll be making again in a hurry. Maybe pitta bread pizza would be the way forward?! I miss thick stuff crust pizza.

28/09/14 Why am I wide awake at 7am? All the mornings I want to stay in bed but on a Sunday snuggled up with Mr D I just bloody cant!! I left him in bed and got up to do some washing and tidy up last nights mess. Mr D made us scrambled eggs and beans for breakfast, he doing very well supporting me with the diet and is starting to get the hang of what I can and cant have! We carried on with our boring clearing out tasks and I went up to the attic to clear a few more bits of junk that had been left at right at the back as well as the other bits we had from the shed to go down to the tip. Very boring but a good feeling when youve had a productive weekend and cleared out all the shit for more wedding goodies!!

I then needed to face one of the hardest things for a dieter. BUFFET! How much I love to graze on sausage rolls, chicken goujons dipped in sweet chilli sauce, crusty bread, cheese of all variety,  thick egg mayo cobs. I love buffet! But today I was on my best behaviour. Luckily Mrs Ds mum was hosting and even did my some extra things just because Im on slimming world. I had little crustless quiches, boiled potaoes, lean ham and salad. No dressings, no dips and I had a small amount of cheese and grapes. I had a few slithers as my Healthy A that Im allowed and then I had a few more slithers which i tried to over syn just incase! I cant really start weighing things out in the middle of a buffet! We left before pudding but I felt pretty pleased with myself its no very often I don’t give in to the buff.