Damn Fucking Rude

28/07/14 Up at 7am and blitzed the kitchen before having my first day on my own taking D out. He seemed to like me, the weather was good so headed for the safe option of Elvaston Castle. I love Elvaston Castle it reminds me of my childhood we used to go there alot and I don’t associate any of the bad times with that place. I took a back route because I thought it would be quieter for him thinking it would lead to the middle bit where there was toilets. We walked on and on down ‘the nature trail’ after walking for quite some while I had no idea where we were and I thought I knew all of the tracks! I decided to head back the way we came and take another route. This took some time and he told me he needed the toilet. He gets anxious if he cant go straight away so I was a little worried but I managed to keep him calm and get him to the loo on time! We fed the ducks and did plenty of walking. I saw a few people I knew along the way and stopped for a chat so the time went by quicker than I expected. I enjoyed it and D didn’t stop smiling so I think I did okay!

 Felt good to be back at Insanity tonight. I felt I worked hard and it felt good. Mrs B is so fit. Everyone at some point gives up on certain exercises. (apparently its impossible to complete the whole thing) Even the fittest stop at quite a few points but Mrs B has got to be in the top 3 of the fittest that rarely stop. Shes a machine!

After insanity I was just going to write on Js wall who I did personal training with to tell her how good she was looking when I realised we were no longer friends on facebook. I messaged her saying 'I was just about to message you saying how slender you were looking tonight when I realised were not friends on here anymore' thought it might be a mistake. I then checked S and Kat and none of them are my friends any longer. It can only be my blog. J has always raved about how great my blog is so they must have got offended when I said none of them had contacted me. Which is only truth and that I said sometimes I felt out of the circle because they talked a lot about babies and catchment areas. Really? Get a fucking grip! Ive only ever been bloody nice! . I thought more of Kat. Sorry I thought I came tonight and paid you £4 of my hard earned money? I also thought I’d bought 2 other people with me who paid there hard earned cash? I think its damn fucking rude! You must of all had a nice little chat together to delete me! I'm sure I was friends with a few others too (who added me!) How fucking grown up of you! Hope you had a nice little chat! Well you know what I’m not going to stop coming to classes why the fuck should I?! But don’t be fucking waving at me or being nice because I tell you now one thing I hate more than anything is 2 faced people!! Now fuck off!

29/07/14 Woke up feeling a little better about things. Fuck them! There not my friends. Mr D described me as a m and m. Hard shell with a soft centre, Im too sensitive for my own good sometimes. My bites had got even bigger and the back of both my legs were swelled up and hard thought I better get myself to the doctors. My mum texted me and said I should mention the referral to the mental health place that I never received a letter from them so I did. He said its a separate company but when I explained that they never replied to my original email, they sent me a letter asking me what service I want. How do I know what service I want? And then made me a appointment for 4 months and told me they’d send a letter but never did! He said I should put a complaint in. So in April I went to the doctors at a very low point and neither the doctors or the mental place made any effort to check I’m okay or even give me a appointment. Thats bullshit! What if I wasn’t okay? What if I was suicidal? That some big hole in the net there! Anyway armed with my antibiotics I went off to work to try and sort out my pay.

My day only got worse. Yes I was on emergency tax and that could be sorted and they can sort out the sleep ins that I wasn’t paid but I was wrong about how much I earn a year. When they put 18-21 on the job that means points not thousands so basically that means they could have put me on anything as I wasn’t working for the council previously I had no idea about the points scale. Confusing and ridiculous. I know I spoke on the phone about my starting wage but thats not very helpful if I signed to a scale. I just wanted to cry. Even though it was only 800 less than I thought I left for the minimum I’d leave for taking a pay cut. I wouldn’t have left for that figure. I was honest with my boss and said I will have to start looking for a new job. She replied and said I have no intention of losing you leave it with me. Which I should really see as a positive Ive been there less than 2 months and its good to know your boss has your back. I was determined that all this was not going to effect my diet and went to the gym. Asked for dance fit and got changed. I got upstairs and it was half way through a different class. I’d got the wrong time and the dumbass on reception didn’t think to tell me that I’d missed dance fit and he’d signed me in to a class that was already half way through. Twat! Went for a swim and didn’t have a pound coin. Bollocks. I fucking hate days like today. I swam anyway and managed to dodge my things getting to wet as you walk through the showers to get to the pool. In the afternoon I was supposed to show my bridesmaids where we were getting married and had booked a appointment but she was ill and cancelled. I struggled to get out of my lull and went home and slept all afternoon. Sometimes I exhaust my own mind over thinking and stressing about things.

My boss texted talking about sleeps in bring extra money and the tax man owes me money and maybe pension has starting taking money out. Neither of that makes any difference that I am on a shiter wage. The only way to make extra money is to work more extra hours but thats not really the point. I really don’t want to start looking but this is a poorer wage that I didn’t sign up for.

Pretty poor day overall.

30/07/14 Had a good plan for taking D out today started off at Carrsington having a good walk round. It was cloudy today but no rain so mananged to stay outside. We then headed to Matlock Bath and mum, Mrs B and my niece were having lunch on the next table. We had to wait ages for food and D was struggling to sit and wait for so long but he did really well. I had a small bowl of chips which I thought was pretty good considering we were at Matlock bath which is full of huge plates of fish, chips and mushy peas! Looking at the menu there wasn’t really any healthy choices I think I panni would have been worse than a small bowl of chips. They weren’t even chip shop chips. Just average fried chips.  As Ds parents cover all food costs I don’t like to spend too much on myself I try and keep it cheap for me and salads are always stupidly expensive! I’m still trying to log all my food in my fitness pal to try and keep me on track so it didn’t seem to affect my day.

Though I didn’t feel down today I still was a little bit within myself. I went to insanity with Mrs B. Kat spoke to me and encouraged me to be on top of my game. I wasn’t rude, I wasn’t nice. Its her class and its a good one so I’ll go and speak as much as I need to but no chit chat. No friendly banter. I saw the other 2 down the end but they don’t interest me. There little group don’t interest me. Being there actually made me feel determined to lose weight. To fucking crack this if theres any doubters out there. Prove them all wrong!

Mr B has always said to me all my friends are nutters. This is true but there honest nutters. I think my intial judgment people is good and I should have stuck with that. My friends are opinated and say it how it is. Fake little groups are not my kind of people. I know my kind of people. Mr D, My brother, my Bessie, my other fave people if Ive been a twat they tell me Ive been a twat! I like this. I love these people.

I ached pretty bad and just had a bubble bath and went upstairs to read my book. Sometimes I like a bit of time to myself. It meant Mr D got a evening of x box so Im sure he wasn’t complaining lol!

31/07/14 I always wake up early with lots of time to get ready but somehow seem to get busy sorting out washing and pottering round and then have a crazy need to get showered and out the door in 5 minutes! I hate being late. I picked up D and we had a lovely time walking round Roliston. I can’t power walk as hes not a fast walker but plenty of walking has got to be better than nothing! Also there was a few hills that were pretty steep. Today seem quite as long as but I still felt shattered afterwards. I was going to go swimming but by the time I got home and tied up a bit I started making fish pie and it was time for Mr D to come home!

E a girl I went to college with who I chat to a lot of facebook as she is also always trying different way to loose weight sent me a message. She was feeling a little down about her weight and asked for some advice on where I get my clothes from as I always dress nice. This really made my day. I gave her some advice and ideas and it made me think maybe I’ll do a special feature on the best way to dress for a fat bird.

Mr D has just been tagged in some of pics of our camping trip a few weeks. Theres a few group pics and I’m right in the middle. A big red blob. I look massive. I look hideous. Wish I’d gone to the gym today.

I’m grumpy tonight, not sure why really. I feel tired and iretable. Mr D keeps talking about how bad the weathers going to be this weekend at the festival and thats put a downer on it. Ive been rushing round trying to get us 90s outfits at last minute for the theme but he says were probably just going to be in waterproofs anyway. Think I’ll have a early night.

01/08/14 Last night as I was starting to drift off my foot started hurting. I had a look and realised there was something in it. I dug around with my tweezers and pin and got out a thorn. I then drifted off to sleep. This morning I woke up and couldn’t walk on it! I got up hobberling around. I needed to pack for Y Not. I went downstairs and the washing needed sorted, the pots needed doing and there was camping stuff everywhere. It all felt a bit overwhelming so I just went back up to bed for a while until I got my arse in gear and ran around for half an hour sorting it all out. I could of easily just stayed in bed feeling sorry for myself, I was going to go the gym but my foot was hurting so I went swimming. Swimming gives me time to make sense of things and plan what I need to do. A swim was perfect for today. Got home and started prepapring things for Y Not Festival! Mr D was going to try and finish a bit early about 5 so I had plenty of time! I chilled out having a bubble bath and painting my nails and then he walked through the door over an hour early! This completly threw me, I thought I had loads of time and now I was just running around like a crazy woman not really doing anything. I wanted to spend lots of time straightening my hair hoping it will be ok for the following day. Things just went down hill. We forgot the tickets and had to go back for them. We dropped off the dog at his mums but left the tent pegs there so we had to go back for them. By the time we arrived it was raining and dragged our stuff all the way and soaked after the first 10 minutes of being there! Our tent was already put up by Mr Ds Bessie which was jolly nice of him. I had a beer in my hand with blackcurent in (the only way I really like to drink lager) which another of his friend had packed with her! The rain wasn’t so bad. I watched a few bands including razorlight and you soon forget that it was miserable! Had a good sing song but was certainly not interested in the main act White Lies. Had to see them a couple of times in the past and I nearly slit my wrists it was that depressing! A little bit pissed we headed to a smaller tent to see Andrew WK. He only had one song so wasn’t sure how he was going to do a whole set! It was very entertaining there was a ugly bald man dancing around the stage in a vest lots of count downs and cheering. Me and Mr D were right on the edge and snook back stage twice just because we could. We could of easily jumped on stage and there was only 2 security guards who were more concerned about people being on each others shoulders! We decided against the stage plan in the end but very tempting!

I actually ate pretty good today though it was disapointning. We had falafal and holumi wrap but it was poor there wasnt much holumi and with all the good food choices it was crap. We did drink a fair few beers and a few snacky items when we got in the tent but not awful after a sess.

 02/08/14 Woke up to it raining hard which was quite relaxing if you ignored the stag party next to us that were moaning about the fact their mate had pissed everywhere! After little sleep I manged to snooze off a little but Mr D got up and chatted to his friends under the gazebo. I popped my head out to see if anything interesting was going on, it wasn’t so I had a relaxing morning to myself reading my book in the tent as it rained outside. It was then time to get ready for the 90s theme despite the weather! Mr Ds friends made some good effort with Captain Planet and ferbies that she’d made from scratch and they were very good. (She does costume design for the west end so there bound to be good!) and me as Geri and Mr D as Luigi. We had no Mario lol. The atmosphere was good and many other Spice girls around the festival were friendly like we had to be because we were all Spice girls! I seemed to have lost everyone so as I strolled round I thought bugger it theres no point in being at a festival if I’m not enjoying the lovely food. Being on my own and nothing to do I found myself at pie minister with a whole choice of amazing sounding pies. I sat there on my own enjoying a pie, I then found Mr D and decided not to tell him about the pie as I knew he’d of wanted me to wait for him! Secret pie eating you don’t get more cliché for a fat bird! We snook off for a nap around 5pm when there wasn’t much on and got changed out of our damp muddy costumes we headed back in time to watch the Fratellies. I’d stopped drinking today quite early on my stomach was already feeling dodgy after not eating what I normally eat so I just didn’t feel like drinking. It got absolutely rammed kids everywhere trying to squeeze into spaces that didn’t excist. I started to get pissed off and constently being shoved passed but it only got worse when I young girl behind me got on a guys shoulders and her muddy wellies kept kicking me in the back. I turned round and said ‘do you mind’ they both looked at me completly blurry eyed and out of it they had no idea what I even said. Fuck heads! At this point we decided to leave and watch nearer the back. Even one of Mr Ds quiet friends had ended up having a go at someone. There are some rude little fuckers in the world! We were not bothered about Dizzy Rascal and headed back to the gazebo where a few of us just chilled out and chatted. I do mean chilled out this evening had gone really cold. I was already sitting their shivering with 4 layers and a blanket over me a knew it was going to be a looong night!!

03/08/14It was a really cold night it took us so long to get to sleep even fully clothed with as many bits as we could find chucked on top of us. We drifted off listening to the stag party and woke up to the posh kids trying to work out their gas cooker. I thought Y Not festival was more of a local folky hippyish festival but I was wrong I should of realised when I saw Dizzy Rascal on the line up really. Its more of a festival for the local posh kids from surrounding Derbyshire areas to where hot pants and put bandanas round there head and get drunk on daddys money. Seriously every young male had a bandana tied round their forehead, who do they think they are Axel Rose? They probably don’t even know who Axel Rose is! Every girl had tiny denim hot pants on. I think if your in between the ages of 14-20 any shape or size you got a free pair with your wrist band when you got in. Seriously get a grip kids, your all just sheep! And denim hot pants do not suit everybody!

I had a few beers to try and get me in the zone and saw a few locla bands. Its good to support the local bands. I was flagging a bit today but the sun was shining. Hot pants were out! (obviously not me just every other person!) We really wanted some good food today and were eyeing up a lot of food to make a good choice. We saw someboday have a lamb wrap with salad and yogurt which looked delicous. We waited it out until we were really hungry and went for the wrap. They had sold out! Disapointed we had a look round and decided to go for some Portuguese grub! Salad, rice with chicken and pork in a tomatoe and courgette sauce. It was yummy and deffo one of the healthier options at the festival! We carried on watching bands I wasn't really interested in. One of the main acts could not sing at all! Yes they had good stage presence and could play their instruments and were good with the crowd! but they could not sing!! Started feeling disapointed! Mr D told the group about my secret pie eating! How embarrasing! Token fat bird sneakily eating a pie! You dont get more cliche than that!! 'Who ate all the pies???'

We then waited even longer. Why did Frank Turner have to be on last? We were shattered and bored of waiting around when 'De La Soul' came on. Some old man Hip Hop act that I'd never heard of. They couldnt be more different to Frank Turner. We really needed a good band to pick us up and get us in the mood but this was not our cup of ta at all! We decided to sod off and sit on some some hay bale. Mr D wasnt feeling good we were both shattered and just decided bugger it we were going home! We'd seen Frank Turner in February so wasnt the end of the world. We left and didnt hit any traffic at all. We zoomed back and we were showered and tucked up in bed before he would have even started!  We were happy thats all that mattered!