Being a fat bastard has to have its perks

04/08/14 So today was the day of my crazy appointment. I actually felt sick driving down there. Don’t know why? Guess I’m not great at talking about my feelings. I had to fill out another form asking how well do I sleep, do I worry a lot, do my moods change for no reason. It went on and on and described me quite well apart from the question that asked me if I ever feel suicidal. Good job I bloody don’t beens they never bloody rang me! I knew straight away I didn’t like her. A girl younger than me straight out of university that I expect daddy paid for. No life experience and no idea what shes talking about. She spoke at me and it sounded read straight from a text book. I was just another person coming through the door that she had to spout the same shit too. Nothing felt personal and she did not seem interested in what I had to say just telling me what I am and what I need to do. ‘Is your mum a worrier’ yes ‘then its your mums fault’ Go on the website and listen to the relaxation audio and come back in 2 weeks. Not impressed. I actually feel a little disapointed as part of me was genuinly hoping this might help me in some way!

I got back hungry and wanted to prepare something healthy for lunch but didnt have much in. I need to get some bargain shopping in!! Then I remembered I grow my own these days! I pottered down the garden and got myself some lettuce, tomatoes and chives!! Get me! I could be self sufficant, I just need to get myself a few pigs and hens and then if the zombies attack I'll be just fine!

Today my mortgage finally went over to my name. This is a weight that has finally been lifted I'm hoping this will help me control my stress levels. I never need to see twats name ever again or contatct him ever again. Mr D joked we can kick his ass now and this is something I would of thought of once but not now. Now I don't have to think about him ever again, kicking his ass means I would have to think about him and see him. The good thing is if I ever saw him I know longer have to be pleasant incase he tried to fuck me over with the mortgage. Now I could happily tell him hes a fucking TWAT!!

05/08/14 Today I had D and took him out with J from work and her kid S. We headed to Carsington and it was really nice to have somebody else to go out with! Equally she had a big fat salad like me so there was no temptations as the boys ate big fa sandwhichs! I love somebody I can have a good natter about diets and losing weight as this does seem to take over my life! We did lots of walking today as we parked in the car park quite far so we could get plenty of exercise. This was a great idea on the way. Not so much on the way back when it pissed it down and we all got drenched!! As I was already wet I thought I might as well go for a swim after work. I was pretty tired after work   but dragged my ass for a swim. I prefer the pool thats not in town, its not as busy and parkings free! Its a bit rude that you have to pay to park to go to the leisure centre. Is it not enough that people pay for membership apart from me who gets it free because I'm a fat bastard!! Being a fat bastard has to have its perks after all. The only about this pool is that people dont seem to swim in lengths they seem to swim all over the place. As I'm just trying to get on with my lengths these 2 other folk are swimming in squares. Who the fuck swims in squares? No matter which way I went they seemed to always be in my way!! I'm just trying to bloody swim!!

I then had to dash to get my jabs for my hols! After a mad dash I had to wait around for 40 mins before I even got in to see the nurse! I hate waitinga and I hate lateness! Feeling annoyed!

06/08/14 Oh my gosh feels like I have 2 dead arms!! My arms have been hurting all night so I couldn’t get compfy and I thought Mr D was exaggerating when he had his done last week!

I took D out to a few places today. The rain stayed off so we got plenty of walking in! I didnt give in to an ice cream when he had one and I'm quite a sucker for ice cream so this is a good thing! I'm in a good zone! After losts of walking at the end of the day I took him to the park caf for a hot chocolate and a freddo. For a lad that doesnt walk quick in a lighting flash he'd got out of his seat and stole a cake and rammed half of it in his mouth! I had to apolagise to the lady and paid her for a over priced cake for her to tell me that was a old display cake and he really shouldnt eat it. I couldnt get it off him but the boss came over with a free fresh one! I did break off a bit and had some for myself. It was a good choice D made a chocolatey short bread. Yum I love short bread!

So J from the gym replied to the message I sent her over a week ago with a thumbs up. A thumbs up to the fact I said you looked slender or to the fact were no longer friends on facebook anymore. Not interested. Sod off! Should of blocked all of them. Don’t message me!

Went to the class with the airy fairy zumba lady as its at a good time after Ive been working. J was there from work. (I need some new nicknames for my friends from work as I work closely with 3 ‘J’s and it may get confusing for you) The class was better than I remembered even though it feels like its on a go slow. Like all the moves are a bit slower than they should be but there is plenty of jumping and jumping must be good. There is also plenty of clapping. I hate clapping! It started when I had a dodgy thumb after being dislocated at work and it always then felt weird to clap. Why do we need to clap in a class? Jump, jump, jump CLAP, turn and CLAP, grapevine CLAP . I don’t want to sodding CLAP!!

Me and Mr D headed to Harvestor for dinner. Free salad bar, unlimited diet coke and all the calories are on the menu! Perfect! After pondering over what chicken to eat for what calories and whether to use the calories I’d burned at my class or not (I normally try not to) I went for spit roast chicken with jacket potatoe and piri piri sauce and then headed to the salad bar and this is where all the extra calories creep up on you! Obviously pile up the green stuff but then you have to have a bit of potatoe salad, a bit of coleslaw and then you put the sauce on top with some onion sprinkles and a couple of croutons. So how many calories are in that? The jacket had sour cream on is that in the overall calories? Before you know you actually have no idea how many calories you’ve consumed! Ugh

07/08/14 I went to Butchs class this moring and there was only 6 of us in a big room. How can I hide when there is only 6 of us? She spoke to me a bit today so I must be becoming a regular. People at the gym must think I’m quiet and shy I always keep myself to myself and hide at the back! The class was good I pushed myself harder with the weights today and mad sure I went with the heavier ones every time. She did her usual gossiping throughout the class I tuned out to be honest until I heard her mention about a long haired, bearded Viking looking man ‘just my type’ she said. Now this got my attention this really surprised me, she only ever talked about ladies and ‘Julia’ who I couldn’t work out was her dog or her girlfriend! I deffo didn’t think that would be her cup of tea! I rushed home for a shower and then went to meet mum for some holiday shopping! Needed to keep it as cheap as poss and not to get carried away as I don’t think I really need many new holiday clothes. I needed a few easy cover up items for when I go into temples. Mums worried about me getting burnt and wants me to cover up. I think she imagined me wearing a sari, covering up from head to toe with the locals. Fushia pink and golden trim. I don't think so mum.

08/08/14 One year until  marry the love of my love the amazing Mr D! And I started it by moaning at him that I cant work out the TV downstairs. Why cant it be simple like the old days and you can just turn on your TV. Nope not here, I have to talk to the bloody x box! Sometimes it listens, sometimes it doesn’t! But I could not get it to bloody work! I gave in!

For some reason today I decided to contact one of my old best friends. Ive contacted a few recently, maybe its because I’m a good place now and I can look back on my past and I’m now okay with it all. I unblocked her and spoke to her in the first time in about 4 years. She was my best friend from the age of 11. She was a lodger with me and Twat and she left me in the shit when she wouldn’t give me notice on leaving. All I could think was that she dropped me in it and refused to speak to her. It got nasty she slated Twat and my house and I cut her out. Never forgave her. Turns out that was nearly 4 years ago and today seemed a good day to air it all. She found out about Twat and just wanted to get out the house and then she was going to tell me but after it all getting messy it just all went wrong. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to tell one of your best friends that their boyfriend is a complete scumbag. My life would have been different if I’d known then. I wouldn’t of just paid him 2 grand! But hey I can’t ever hope to rewind the past as I may never have met Mr D! I actually feel good to finally air everything. Im off to see another old friend next week. We’ll see how that one goes.

Mr D ordered his wedding suit today! A year too early I know but the sale was so good and he didnt think he would change too much. He said he would not be putting on anymore weight. Its one more thing we can tick off the list! We let the grooms men know about the sale but I think they think were doing things a bit early. Its not going to be one of those weddings where all the grooms men have to wear exactly the same. Its much more laid back than that! Those kind of weddings make me cringe abit! The them is blue, I think it will look fabulous if they have all different shades of blue suits! Ended the night with a lager and black with my feet up with Mr D and the pooch! Love a Friday night in!

09/08/14 Mr D was at work this morning so I had that Saturday morning dilema do I go to the gym or Willington carboot. The carboot won. I had a potter round and got a red polka dot duvet which will be perfect for bunting material and a chair for the collection of outdoor chairs for the wedding! I will have to visit many carboots in the next year to have enough! I'd not had breakfast which is always a bad move when going to Willington as you have to pass the bacon butty van on the way in. Those smells of bacon and sausages teasing your nostils as you look around stalls and stalls of peoples old junk.  To be honest I very rarely give in to thes vans, mainly becasue I'm too tight and don't want to waste my bargain money on a overpriced greasy sandwhich and a bottle of water that costs about £2!

When I got home I dashed around the place making sure it was clean and tidy for Mr Ds friends to arrive who I'd never met before! Making 2 dashs to aldi for loo roll and such items I wouldnt want to waste my money buying at the local co-op! After running round like a crazy lady Mr D walked in to tell me there werent arriving for another hour and a half. Dashing around for no reason but I guess it would have burned a few extra calories. I was supposed to start my 'Love-Life-Forever' 10 day blast today but there was no way I could spend 2 days not eating and drinking with his chums down. I will have to do it for 7 days instead and anyway these things always start on a Monday!  I cooked up some new boiled new potatoes and fried them in a little olive oil, garlic, red onions and home grown cherry tomaotes with a drop of rice wine vinegar which goes amazing with tomatoes. I made a salad and we got packed burgers and sausages ready for our countryside BBQ. We can't have people coming to visit Derbyshire for the first time and not take them out and about. We are very lucky here that we live in so much amazing beauty! You drive 10 minutes down the road and you hit countryside, I'll never leave Derbyshire. Best place to be! His friends arrived armed with gifts and the girl D didnt seem geeky at all! The guy R was geeky but I'd say on the same level as Mr D they were very happy with there rucksacks heading up the hills of Dovedale whilst me and D were girly gossiping in our sandles behind them. We got on straight away they were really lovely. They bought us such a lovely worded card, chocolates, a bottle and had made us a picture with our names and the date we got engaged. Very sweet!

Originally I'd planned not to drink this weekend to save calories and dont mind being the driver but when I found out how nice they were I fancied a nice night out! Blow the calories! Everyone needs a night out from time to time! We'd been lucky the sun had stayed out so we walked towards town. I have so many dresses in many different sizes and different ones look better at different times. I played safe in a coral number that went in at the waist with a little belt. Hair extentions and slap on I thought I'd scrubbed up okay.

We walked to a real ale pub which is only about 15 minutes away but we dont really go too. Mr D really likes it there but it was ruined for me straight away when I walked in to see a face from my past to someone I hate. Who hurt people that are closest too me, I only hate 3 people. He is one of them, the last time I saw him he had a very smug face and a cunt on his arm. He wasnt looking so smug tonight. The fucking penis, he looked like a 40 year old man! Fucking loser! We then moved on to a few more pubs and had many more beverages. We settled in one of our favourite pubs just before you get into town and I very much enjoyed a few of the blackcurrent lagers they had on tap! I caught a look at myself in the mirror from the side and it wasnt good. How can I go out thinking I'm looking good and then you catch a glimpse from another angle and I look like a round ball! I'm so wide, I'm like double the size of the girl putting on her lippy in the next mirror next to me! Ugh!

We headed home at a reasonable time as we were all hungry. My bloated pink in the mirror look didnt put me off ordering my Indian take away. We had alsorts of goodies. Biriani, curry, nan bread, rice, chips! It was great and we drunkly drifted off watching a good 00s film 'Jack' . Love Robin Williams. Great night!

10/08/14 So at the back of my mind I know that I start my cleanse tomorrow where I don’t eat for 2 days so that only means one thing... I can eat what I want today!! I was planning on cooking everyone a lovely breakfast of scrambled eggs and bacon but we were still pretty stuffed from last nights take away. It was miserable outside so there was only really one option, go to the cinema. Normally I'd fill my bag with many goodies but i just grabbed a pack of cookies out the biscuit tin on the way out! The film was pretty average. I offered my cookies round but ate most myself. Mr D told me to be careful as I wont eat my lunch. Meh this was just my breakfast! After the film I nipped to the loo and reaslised I had one cookie left. I sat having a wee and ate my cookie. This is a true sign of a fatty. Sneekily eating a cookie whilst on the toilet! I also lied that I must have left the rest of the cookies at the cinema. Lying about secret cookie eating is the ultimate sign of a fatty! I should be ashamed of myself! I am.

We went for a roast dinner for lunch and then we thought of going to many different places we stuck with what we knew was good! Its a good carvery but always busy we didnt have to wait too long. Normally when I go I'm on some kind of health kick and avoid the mash, roast pots and yorkshire! I know the best bits but I love my veggies so I'm usually okay! Today I was going all out and opted for some crispy roasts, homemade yorkshire and cheesey mash with a good bit of roast beef! I was actually disapointed the roast potatoes were pretty poor and the mash had big bits of raw spring onion! maybe somebody is telling me I should stick to the healthy option! After Mr Ds friends went home the onesies and the box sets came out! We spent the whoe afternoon/evening lazing! Sometimes you just have to be lazy!! Early evening he started making cheese butties whilst I fried up last nights left overs. I hate waste and why would I chuck away such good food? Tasted great! It helps that I have a stomach of iron! Nothing seems to effect me, must be all the years of out of date food. I remember an old boss said to me once when I'd spent a few days off work with food poisioning "I always thought you had a stomach of iron I thought nothing would effect you" Thats becasue you were right I was actually skiving and had extended my weekend party for 2 days extra drinking!