I look like a lumpy mountain

11/08/14 Well todays the day I start the trio boost diet which is apart of the Love-Life-Forever. An old friend of mine has recommended it as a quick inch loss boost before I go on my jollies so I started by measuring myself! Ugh wish I hadn’t drank and ate curry this weekend.

I was taking D out today and had my one milkshake to get me through the whole day. It was tough even though I didnt really feel hungry until about 3pm. The most tempted I felt all day is when I went in the cafe to get something for D. It wasn’t all the big fat home made cakes and cookies or even the yummy looking fancy crisps they had but the warm sausage rolls. They smelt good they looked good I can just imagine how they taste! Ive got to stop right there as the thought of it is going to crack me! Better go have a glass of water then! Its hard just drinking water and not even being able to have diet coke to break it up a bit. Its fine I'm in the zone I can do this!!

I had to stay go  upstairs when Mr D cooked his fry up for tea but the smell of bacon drifted up the stairs and teased my nostrils. Strangely enough I didn’t feel hungry but a little delirious. Mr D kept joking I was on ectasy! By the time I went to bed I could of fancied a little snack but I was okay. Dont recommend any jiggerling about though, that made me feel sick!

12/08/14 Woke up to 4 miss calls from my brother and a text from Mr D saying Robin Williams died. Genuinely sad about it. I normally get annoyed when facebook is full of RIP this celebrity, RIP that celebrity they prob don’t even like them such a load of sheep! I shed a tear to find out such a happy funny guy commited suicide because of depression. I guess it shows even the people that seem most outgoing suffer from mental health issues. He was such a massive part of our child hood Aladdin being my favourite film and Mrs Doubtfire the film we watched so many times with my dad. He used to do a good impression of Mrs Doubtfire but did it a few too many times! (much better than his Bob Hoskins impression!) Its a sad day.

I thought I’d wake up starving but I actually didn’t and even managed to go for a swim this morning. Probably even slower than my usual slow pace. After 1pm I started to feel tired again and had half my first milkshake of the day. I actually think the milkshake makes me feel hungrier. These bee pollen tablets must be really good at sorting at my hunger as my belly has hardly rumbled at all. I’m thinking maybe I should take this on a regular basis. I had a meeting with my boss and she’d even got a stash of diet coke in for me and I had to turn it down! Still not sure when my tax will be sorted yet ugh!

Struggled cooking Mr D dinner. Its not even that I’m hungry, I just want food! I’d pretty much eat anything right now! I went upstairs whilst he ate it. I’m not even a fan of fishcakes. E did say the first 2 days are tough but worth it! Shes doing it too so its very encouraging and we chat about how were getting on! Its always good to chat to people about losing weight its encouraging. I feel light headed this evening but I have saved some of my milkshake for a bit later thats probably why. Wow its so hard not to eat for 2 days. Its so hard not to graze or automatically pop something in your mouth. Was going to go out with mum, Mrs B and my neice tomorrow but their going for lunch too so not sure I can handle it. I’m doing the thing I hate the most turning down plans for a diet. Trying to lose weight sucks.

13/08/14 Woke surprisingly not particularly hungry and decided I wasn’t going to let my diet take over my time off! I got ready and went on the train to Nottingham with my mum, Mrs B and beautiful neice who changes every time I see her! Shes a fiery, moody little red head that can’t sit still! Love her to pieces! Today I was allowed a breakfast milkshake and a lunch one so I held off my breakfast one as long as possible and gave in about 11am! It kind of just tastes like milky wheat but it fills the gap. We had a wonderful time at the beach in Nottingham! I know; man made beach right in the centre just for the summer complete with pool! It was brilliant. After a spot of holiday/Christmas shopping and buying my bessies bump her first present we headed out for lunch. Every place we came too was busy. Mrs B liked the little tea rooms where as mum didn’t seem too fussed. They also needed to have room for the pushchair and have a high chair. After about the 6^th attempt we gave in and sat outside luckily the rain stayed off. Mum and Mrs B ordered goats cheese salads and even my neice ordered cheese on toast. I ordered a green tea. I don’t drink green tea, I don’t drink any kind of tea but its day 3 and i’m allowed green tea. I really didn’t want to just order a bottle of water! Who knew I had a choice of green teas, I don’t bloody know! And then the cheek of it I had to make it myself! I got it wrong a few times and it did just look like weed! Yes folks who needs to eat I am now on a drinking cannabis diet! It tasted pretty shit and it still had some floaty bits in as I hadn’t quite mastered it but I got 3 cups out of it whilst they indulged on yummy goats cheese! I was really pretty pleased with myself but I knew tonight was the night I got to eat so I stayed focussed!!

I’d spent a while thinking about dinner and sticking to my 600 calories but getting plenty of food! I went with chicken skewers, roasted veggies and vegetable rice (with not much rice in it!) Whilst that was cooking I made Mr Ds packed lunch. There was some bacon that needed using up so did him a cream cheese bacon and roasted onion pasta salad. Unfortuantley as it was getting close to my first meal and I decided I better try it to check it was okay! It was more than okay it was damn good so I tried it a few time! Damn I’d done so good waiting! Luckily I had 150 calories left over which I was hoping to use for a pudding but I had to use them for my little snack! Bloody hell would have loved a little pud!!

As I was making my way to a lovely bubble bath tonight I caught a glance of my naked shadow. It was hideous. I look like a lumpy mountain!

I felt a bit unsettled watching game of thrones not fully concentrating until they went and and ate pie! A big crusty pie and gravy and then that is all I could think about. I went to bed talking about pie! I decided that should be a good English all night take away/cafe where you could order a good pie with chunky homemade chips and peas! There is deffo a gap in the market for this! Put roast dinners on there as well! How many people would like to order good homemade grub from there sofa?? Yes! There you go somebody out there a business plan for you!!

14/08/14 Woke up feeling thinner! I feel good! My pyjama bottoms feel a bit big but I think that is just wishful thinking. Why cant I stick to this none eating most of the time?! I’d be a skinny bride and just as important a skinny Geri Halliwell on my hen do! Ive dressed up as Geri Halliwell a few times but obviously only ever a chunky version! If I’m going to a 90s weekend for it I have to be a Spice Girl!! I even felt I had enough energy to go to the gym!

There was cover for Butchs class a over enthusatic young guy. He bought everyone a mat out and was trying to make chit chat. He looked a bit pueney so I wasn’t sure i was going to get much of a work out. He went into a full work aerobics routine complete with box steps, ponys and spotty dogs. Very old school and it made me remember how boring exercise used to be before zumba, dance fit and insanity! But I did work hard, the regulars did not look impressed with the change and had to work hard to keep up with him. We then did a full squatting and lungeing section. Am I the only fat bird that cant lunge or is it all of us? He then made us partner up. It was quite a small class and most people came with a friend so I ended up with the gnome like lady in full make up next to me. She was tiny but a little bit round, her trousers were up her ankles which was suprising with her being so small. What was she wearing kids clothes?! I had to lie on the floor and hold her ankles. Not only was I worried about the little gnome lady not being able to hold my weight and might topple on me but I was concerned that my face was below her sweaty crotch. After all that exercise I dont want no drips of bum sweat hitting me in the face! The whole thing was cringey and horrible but I'm just happy there was no crotch drips!

Ive decided I’m going to try and come addicted to green tea instead of diet coke. Ive had 4 cups today!

15/08/14 Is it bad I was planning at 8.16am exactly what Chinese takeaway I can order? Looking at calories and the best I can get for my calories! It says a chicken ball with no sauce is 45 calories? That sounds like a complete bargain for something covered in batter!! But as part of this diet I don’t have to look at fat just calories so bring on the chicken balls!! With the thought of balls I headed off to Insanity with Mrs B.

I went and got weighed today I was hoping to do it Monday when I’ve had a few more days on my plan but this is the only time slot he could do. I’m __ stone 8lb thats a loss of 3lb. Disapointing for 3 weeks I guess I haven’t done my best the whole time with pies at festivals and such! I was hoping I was much nearer the next stone down. Ugh, feeling starved I was very nearly tempted to eat! It took all my will power not to just jack the whole thing in then! I didn’t I went off to catch up with my friend C and her lovely children who I havnt seen for a while and instead I had a few cups of green tea! But then I did something bad! I was home and just bloody hungry knowing my takeaway could be hours away I ate a apple! I know, I’m a bad person!!

Why do I keep watching food programmes when I can’t eat??! Come dine with me, dinner date, the hairy bikers, any of them! I’m almost drooling!! We over to and A+Ds house with baby L armed with all my information about what calories I’m allowed. D just laughed at me and said ‘fuck the diet were ordering chinese’ I did try and put my point across but he just talked about chicken balls. Me and D used to hang out and order some huge Chinese feasts back in the day before I set him with A. Best match making I ever did! They were moving in together after a few months! Just call me cupid! I steered clear from chips, rice and prawn crackers! I do love prawn crackers but its crazy bad for you they are, there not that yummy that their worth all those calories! But once you have one theres no going back. I didn’t have any! I had chicken chow mein then a few other bits like a few balls and some salt and pepper chicken. I was stuffed and even with working out the calories I must have gone over! I feel this is the slippery slope of messing up the diet! Good night with some of my fave chums though J

16/08/14 I like waking up on a Saturday morning with Mr D. He works every other Saturday morning but he often has to make up for some when weve been away so it does feel rare that we get Saturdays. After lazing around abit and what I mean by lazing round is putting the TV on whilst Mr D stays in bed and I pop downstairs and doing washing and tidy up. I then made him a marmalade crossiant and I got my milkshake and we went for a wonder round Willington. Not much happening today maybe having Mr D with me jinxed me! I got a book for my hols but didn’t really see many that took my intrest. I normally get all my books from carboot sales. There was a stage when I’d buy too many but today I just couldn’t really find anything I want. I cant get my head around kindles. There just not the same as grazing books, there covers, reading the backs until you decide what you want. At last minute I got a chair for 50p so it wasn’t a wasted trip. We ended up going straight into town to get our last bits of holiday shopping. The Mr got his holiday hair cut whilst I looked for the best deal sun cream. Home Bargains wins every time. £3.99and £4.49 for good brands of sun cream. I had to go for kids factor 50 got to be safe being a ginge! The cheapest anywhere else were £7! Mr D then was hungry and wanted to go for lunch. Obviously I wasn’t supposed to be havin lunch as my milkshake was at home it was running low though. This is the excuse I gave myself as soon as Mr D mentioned going for lunch we strolled round the food court but everything looked like a bad choice. I didn’t want any of it. Well I did want it but I knew I shouldn’t. The on going battle of what I want to do and what I should do. After walking round in circles Mr D convinced me to go to Wagamamas. I wasn’t convinced it was always rammed when I walked past full of people eating watery looking soup. I suppose at least it would be healthy. I got in and it wasn’t that busy and everybodies food looked yummy. Noodles with chicken and beansprouts. Breasts of chicken with sticky rice and vegetables. Then I noticed they did free green tea! This swung it for me! Free anything is good but with my current health kick free green tea was fantastic! I had the noodles and Mr D had a broth with noodles and chicken and vegetables which actually looked much better closer up. I had another free green tea and took a big gulp. Big mistake the first one had come warm and I could drink it straight away. I made the mistake in thinking this would be the same but it wasn’t. It was roasting hot and completly scolded my tongue. I then couldn’t properly enjoy my food. Disapointing. As I was leaving I saw a old friend in there who had previously tried to help me lose weight. It’s an embarrassment I’m sure he must be thinking ‘shes still a fat bastard then’ Yep all these years and Ive still never been able to win my battle with food, still a fat bastard. Its silly little times like this that I feel really disappointed in myself.

We went over to my bros house for the evening. I cooked some roasted veggies with sweet potatoes and made my own rainbow slaw and my bro cooked some beautiful big fat steaks. I stuck to my water and didn’t even have a sneaky diet coke. The food was great and we paid our respects to the great Robin Williams and my pa by watching Mrs Doubtfire. My neice sat and watched the whole thing, I’m sure this wont be the only time she watchs this film. Me and Mrs B discussed how we could fancy some pudding but we didn’t have any probably because they didn’t have any in which was a good thing! Some ice cream could have gone down nicely!

17/08/14 Another lazy morning for me and the Mr I bought him breakfast in bed even though I couldn’t have any. I am a good fiancé! After watching too may episodes of storage wars on a channel ive never heard of we went for a swim. We actually had a good swim today and didn’t waste too much time being silly though Mr D did a great dolphin impression. 2 guys were doing widths in the deep end when everybody else was doing lengths! Why? You fucking idiots! Your just in the way!

We went home and packed our suitcase. Well I did Mr D just folded some pants in a pile. I then couldn’t resist a little asda bargain shop. I knew we didn’t need much with going on our jollies but it would be nice to come home to a full freezer. There were loads of goodies to take out back so I knew it would be a wait but spent quite some time strolling up and down the isles of asda. There was alot of folks hanging around for bargains quite alot I didn’t recognise so didn’t think I would get much today. After a long wait the bargains came out and despite all the people and some commotion as somebody in the rush had nearly hit a baby in the head with a basket. I was the other side so I was fine. Luckily the trashy families were going for the pizzas and the junk food. Which meant lots of 10p fresh fish and 2 joints of pork for me! Thank you very much spent £2.10 a couple of sneaky raspberry cream tarts accidently snook in the basket. Well there were 10p?!

Yesterday I’d found the VCR I’d stashed away and got the home videos out. I was hoping to take it to my brothers and introduce Mr D, Mrs B and my neice to my dad but my bro wasn’t up to it. I thought it would be good to all watch it together and laugh at my dad and the good times as kids where as Mr B really thought it was something he wanted to do on his own. So I set it up for me and Mr D to watch the Yarmouth video from 1989 was way longer than I remembered most of it was quite boring! Unfortunately my dad filmed a lot of it so we didn’t see as much as of him as I would have liked. But there was a few good scenes of him doing silly things and acting like a pratt. The way I like to remember him! There was a scene where we running round a pub garden with my cousins shouting scallywags! This has always stuck with us, it was always my dad the centre of all the silly goings on! This made me shed a few tears. The rest just made me smile. My bro changed his mind and kept texting me asking to take videos of it and send it too him. We are so much like him some times its crazy. My bro looks like him and sounds like him. Mum once told us we had all dads good bits. I hold this in my heart.

I went downstairs to catch Mr D for the second evening in a row having a bag of crisps in the garden. Its a nice thought really so I’m not tempted by the naughtys. Without even having time to think about it 2 bites and a raspberry tart had gone in seconds. Oops it wasn’t as tasty as it looked. I put the other one in Mr Ds packed lunch to not tempt me.

18/08/14 D day! The day before my holiday and time to measure myself. I measured my middle, hips, and bust and overall lost 5 inches! Not bad. Would have been better if I’d kept the same enthusiasm as I had in the first few days. It had dipped since I had only lost 3lb. If I do it again I’ll try harder next time. I’m still going to try and cut down on the diet coke and drink green tea. Ive ordered some more bee pollen to help me wen I get back. My plan was to stick to the plan today and have the milkshakes. I did this morning and had one for breakfast and then went to my crazy appointment. I spent the first 5 minutes ticking boxes on how I’d been feeling this week and bought with me the homework I’d made myself do this morning. Though I’d procrastinated alot, she didn’t even look at it so it didn’t matter. Again it felt very text book like she’d already put me in a box. Shame I don’t fit in a box. I got a little chance to talk when she was speaking long words at me to describe the kind of worrier I am. I mentioned my mortgage had finally been sorted this week. She said ‘Oo I didn’t realise you had a mortgage’ That is because you havnt asked me any questions about me!! I went on to tell a bit about the situation. I felt like I needed to talk. I think maybe this cognitive behaviour business is not the right kind of theropy for me! I went for a swim afterwards not because I really wanted to just because exercise is part of my routine. Whilst in my swim I became obsessed with the idea of eating a sandwhich! The more this idea went on the more I knew I could not go home and have another milkshake. The sandwhich is a such a simple thing but when youve been drinking milkshakes for lunch for a week a sandwhich seems like such a yummy tasty amazing thing. I got home and made myself a chicken and cranberry sauce sandwhich. It was good and I knew I would go back for more. I only had another half but it took a lot to stop me to have even more. I’m just greedy I love good food and just want plenty of it.

I went for my holiday hair cut! New place but she actually did a really good job! Listened to what I said and didn’t take too much off the length. This is rare! Why do hairdressers always go crazy and chop way too much off when you ask the m not too! Pretty chuffed! I got home and decided to do some baking I’d fancied doing some all week but was scared I’d eat it if I did! I thought it would be nice to do some and take it to the in laws as a thankyou for looking after the pooch. They didn’t come out too bad. I did a nutty and chocolatey brownie. They were supposed to have chocolate on top but I didn’t have enough. They were not bad. I normally love cooking but not baking as I hate that I have to weigh everything out to make it work but I used my vintage 50s scales so I didn’t mind so much.

Tonight it was like Mr Ds mum had been reading my mind and was cooking us pie for dinner! All those thoughts of pie I’d been dreaming about all week and now were having homemade meat and potatoe pie for tea! We popped over to see her grandparents and some more of his family were there too. There so easy going and make jokes and remain happy even when there is hard times. There such a nice family, like mine. The pie was lovely and I even had a sneaky glass of wine to go with it. Mrs Ds mum is so easy to talk too. We happily chatted about weddings and holidays and I told her how we’d been casually been looking at houses just because we can! Which is great if we wanted to we could sell the house right now! Because its our house nobody elses!! We are lucky that they are looking after our pooch whilst we go away. Its much better than having to put him in a kennels he hangs out with their dog Jim whos a old man now but our pooch seems to be growing on him like a Uncle figure. I went home feeling pretty worn out and fell asleep pretty quickly.

19/08/14 The day of our holiday has arrived!! I happily spent the morning grooming and packing a few extra bits, deciding what book to read, cleaning up here and there. We enjoyed a chicken and cheese salad with some crusty bread before heading off. We just had to use up what needed eating.

 The drive to the airport went suprisingly quick. We didnt hit any traffic and got there early! Once we'd swiftly gone through the check ins we had a quick nosey around but were in Heathrow theres no primark or Mcdonalds here! Just Harrods and Tiffanys!! We were looking for a cheeky beer and swiftly walked past the champagne and lobster bar and found the most 'normal' looking pub there was. Whilst wating for service I was listening to a couple in their 40s next to us. The lady said 'I'm on a diet I will just have a tonic water" as he ordered a pint and fish and chips. Bugger that I'm in holiday mode! I ordered a lager and black and fish and chips! As the neighbours one portion of fish and chips arrived it took approx 2 minutes before the lady took a few sneeky chips. Then a few more followed by nearly half his fish. She even had a few sips of his beer! In her head she probably thinks she did really well. First rule of trying to lose weight be truthful to yourself. Admit you ate that cookie on the toilet!

As I was waiting for my food I could see through the gap in the wall some people eating nachos. Stringy cheesey nachos. Am I obsessed with food? Do you ever wonder how often you think about food whether your allowed to eat it or not?

The plane was amazing like nothing Ive seen before! Even in our economy seats we each had our own TV where we could pick the latest films or T! By 11pm they bought us hot food and free alcohol of our choice! Bloody Love you Richard Branson! Even with the free cushions and blankets I couldnt get comfortable enough to sleep well but who cares I'm on my way to India!!

Being a fat bastard has to have its perks

04/08/14 So today was the day of my crazy appointment. I actually felt sick driving down there. Don’t know why? Guess I’m not great at talking about my feelings. I had to fill out another form asking how well do I sleep, do I worry a lot, do my moods change for no reason. It went on and on and described me quite well apart from the question that asked me if I ever feel suicidal. Good job I bloody don’t beens they never bloody rang me! I knew straight away I didn’t like her. A girl younger than me straight out of university that I expect daddy paid for. No life experience and no idea what shes talking about. She spoke at me and it sounded read straight from a text book. I was just another person coming through the door that she had to spout the same shit too. Nothing felt personal and she did not seem interested in what I had to say just telling me what I am and what I need to do. ‘Is your mum a worrier’ yes ‘then its your mums fault’ Go on the website and listen to the relaxation audio and come back in 2 weeks. Not impressed. I actually feel a little disapointed as part of me was genuinly hoping this might help me in some way!

I got back hungry and wanted to prepare something healthy for lunch but didnt have much in. I need to get some bargain shopping in!! Then I remembered I grow my own these days! I pottered down the garden and got myself some lettuce, tomatoes and chives!! Get me! I could be self sufficant, I just need to get myself a few pigs and hens and then if the zombies attack I'll be just fine!

Today my mortgage finally went over to my name. This is a weight that has finally been lifted I'm hoping this will help me control my stress levels. I never need to see twats name ever again or contatct him ever again. Mr D joked we can kick his ass now and this is something I would of thought of once but not now. Now I don't have to think about him ever again, kicking his ass means I would have to think about him and see him. The good thing is if I ever saw him I know longer have to be pleasant incase he tried to fuck me over with the mortgage. Now I could happily tell him hes a fucking TWAT!!

05/08/14 Today I had D and took him out with J from work and her kid S. We headed to Carsington and it was really nice to have somebody else to go out with! Equally she had a big fat salad like me so there was no temptations as the boys ate big fa sandwhichs! I love somebody I can have a good natter about diets and losing weight as this does seem to take over my life! We did lots of walking today as we parked in the car park quite far so we could get plenty of exercise. This was a great idea on the way. Not so much on the way back when it pissed it down and we all got drenched!! As I was already wet I thought I might as well go for a swim after work. I was pretty tired after work   but dragged my ass for a swim. I prefer the pool thats not in town, its not as busy and parkings free! Its a bit rude that you have to pay to park to go to the leisure centre. Is it not enough that people pay for membership apart from me who gets it free because I'm a fat bastard!! Being a fat bastard has to have its perks after all. The only about this pool is that people dont seem to swim in lengths they seem to swim all over the place. As I'm just trying to get on with my lengths these 2 other folk are swimming in squares. Who the fuck swims in squares? No matter which way I went they seemed to always be in my way!! I'm just trying to bloody swim!!

I then had to dash to get my jabs for my hols! After a mad dash I had to wait around for 40 mins before I even got in to see the nurse! I hate waitinga and I hate lateness! Feeling annoyed!

06/08/14 Oh my gosh feels like I have 2 dead arms!! My arms have been hurting all night so I couldn’t get compfy and I thought Mr D was exaggerating when he had his done last week!

I took D out to a few places today. The rain stayed off so we got plenty of walking in! I didnt give in to an ice cream when he had one and I'm quite a sucker for ice cream so this is a good thing! I'm in a good zone! After losts of walking at the end of the day I took him to the park caf for a hot chocolate and a freddo. For a lad that doesnt walk quick in a lighting flash he'd got out of his seat and stole a cake and rammed half of it in his mouth! I had to apolagise to the lady and paid her for a over priced cake for her to tell me that was a old display cake and he really shouldnt eat it. I couldnt get it off him but the boss came over with a free fresh one! I did break off a bit and had some for myself. It was a good choice D made a chocolatey short bread. Yum I love short bread!

So J from the gym replied to the message I sent her over a week ago with a thumbs up. A thumbs up to the fact I said you looked slender or to the fact were no longer friends on facebook anymore. Not interested. Sod off! Should of blocked all of them. Don’t message me!

Went to the class with the airy fairy zumba lady as its at a good time after Ive been working. J was there from work. (I need some new nicknames for my friends from work as I work closely with 3 ‘J’s and it may get confusing for you) The class was better than I remembered even though it feels like its on a go slow. Like all the moves are a bit slower than they should be but there is plenty of jumping and jumping must be good. There is also plenty of clapping. I hate clapping! It started when I had a dodgy thumb after being dislocated at work and it always then felt weird to clap. Why do we need to clap in a class? Jump, jump, jump CLAP, turn and CLAP, grapevine CLAP . I don’t want to sodding CLAP!!

Me and Mr D headed to Harvestor for dinner. Free salad bar, unlimited diet coke and all the calories are on the menu! Perfect! After pondering over what chicken to eat for what calories and whether to use the calories I’d burned at my class or not (I normally try not to) I went for spit roast chicken with jacket potatoe and piri piri sauce and then headed to the salad bar and this is where all the extra calories creep up on you! Obviously pile up the green stuff but then you have to have a bit of potatoe salad, a bit of coleslaw and then you put the sauce on top with some onion sprinkles and a couple of croutons. So how many calories are in that? The jacket had sour cream on is that in the overall calories? Before you know you actually have no idea how many calories you’ve consumed! Ugh

07/08/14 I went to Butchs class this moring and there was only 6 of us in a big room. How can I hide when there is only 6 of us? She spoke to me a bit today so I must be becoming a regular. People at the gym must think I’m quiet and shy I always keep myself to myself and hide at the back! The class was good I pushed myself harder with the weights today and mad sure I went with the heavier ones every time. She did her usual gossiping throughout the class I tuned out to be honest until I heard her mention about a long haired, bearded Viking looking man ‘just my type’ she said. Now this got my attention this really surprised me, she only ever talked about ladies and ‘Julia’ who I couldn’t work out was her dog or her girlfriend! I deffo didn’t think that would be her cup of tea! I rushed home for a shower and then went to meet mum for some holiday shopping! Needed to keep it as cheap as poss and not to get carried away as I don’t think I really need many new holiday clothes. I needed a few easy cover up items for when I go into temples. Mums worried about me getting burnt and wants me to cover up. I think she imagined me wearing a sari, covering up from head to toe with the locals. Fushia pink and golden trim. I don't think so mum.

08/08/14 One year until  marry the love of my love the amazing Mr D! And I started it by moaning at him that I cant work out the TV downstairs. Why cant it be simple like the old days and you can just turn on your TV. Nope not here, I have to talk to the bloody x box! Sometimes it listens, sometimes it doesn’t! But I could not get it to bloody work! I gave in!

For some reason today I decided to contact one of my old best friends. Ive contacted a few recently, maybe its because I’m a good place now and I can look back on my past and I’m now okay with it all. I unblocked her and spoke to her in the first time in about 4 years. She was my best friend from the age of 11. She was a lodger with me and Twat and she left me in the shit when she wouldn’t give me notice on leaving. All I could think was that she dropped me in it and refused to speak to her. It got nasty she slated Twat and my house and I cut her out. Never forgave her. Turns out that was nearly 4 years ago and today seemed a good day to air it all. She found out about Twat and just wanted to get out the house and then she was going to tell me but after it all getting messy it just all went wrong. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to tell one of your best friends that their boyfriend is a complete scumbag. My life would have been different if I’d known then. I wouldn’t of just paid him 2 grand! But hey I can’t ever hope to rewind the past as I may never have met Mr D! I actually feel good to finally air everything. Im off to see another old friend next week. We’ll see how that one goes.

Mr D ordered his wedding suit today! A year too early I know but the sale was so good and he didnt think he would change too much. He said he would not be putting on anymore weight. Its one more thing we can tick off the list! We let the grooms men know about the sale but I think they think were doing things a bit early. Its not going to be one of those weddings where all the grooms men have to wear exactly the same. Its much more laid back than that! Those kind of weddings make me cringe abit! The them is blue, I think it will look fabulous if they have all different shades of blue suits! Ended the night with a lager and black with my feet up with Mr D and the pooch! Love a Friday night in!

09/08/14 Mr D was at work this morning so I had that Saturday morning dilema do I go to the gym or Willington carboot. The carboot won. I had a potter round and got a red polka dot duvet which will be perfect for bunting material and a chair for the collection of outdoor chairs for the wedding! I will have to visit many carboots in the next year to have enough! I'd not had breakfast which is always a bad move when going to Willington as you have to pass the bacon butty van on the way in. Those smells of bacon and sausages teasing your nostils as you look around stalls and stalls of peoples old junk.  To be honest I very rarely give in to thes vans, mainly becasue I'm too tight and don't want to waste my bargain money on a overpriced greasy sandwhich and a bottle of water that costs about £2!

When I got home I dashed around the place making sure it was clean and tidy for Mr Ds friends to arrive who I'd never met before! Making 2 dashs to aldi for loo roll and such items I wouldnt want to waste my money buying at the local co-op! After running round like a crazy lady Mr D walked in to tell me there werent arriving for another hour and a half. Dashing around for no reason but I guess it would have burned a few extra calories. I was supposed to start my 'Love-Life-Forever' 10 day blast today but there was no way I could spend 2 days not eating and drinking with his chums down. I will have to do it for 7 days instead and anyway these things always start on a Monday!  I cooked up some new boiled new potatoes and fried them in a little olive oil, garlic, red onions and home grown cherry tomaotes with a drop of rice wine vinegar which goes amazing with tomatoes. I made a salad and we got packed burgers and sausages ready for our countryside BBQ. We can't have people coming to visit Derbyshire for the first time and not take them out and about. We are very lucky here that we live in so much amazing beauty! You drive 10 minutes down the road and you hit countryside, I'll never leave Derbyshire. Best place to be! His friends arrived armed with gifts and the girl D didnt seem geeky at all! The guy R was geeky but I'd say on the same level as Mr D they were very happy with there rucksacks heading up the hills of Dovedale whilst me and D were girly gossiping in our sandles behind them. We got on straight away they were really lovely. They bought us such a lovely worded card, chocolates, a bottle and had made us a picture with our names and the date we got engaged. Very sweet!

Originally I'd planned not to drink this weekend to save calories and dont mind being the driver but when I found out how nice they were I fancied a nice night out! Blow the calories! Everyone needs a night out from time to time! We'd been lucky the sun had stayed out so we walked towards town. I have so many dresses in many different sizes and different ones look better at different times. I played safe in a coral number that went in at the waist with a little belt. Hair extentions and slap on I thought I'd scrubbed up okay.

We walked to a real ale pub which is only about 15 minutes away but we dont really go too. Mr D really likes it there but it was ruined for me straight away when I walked in to see a face from my past to someone I hate. Who hurt people that are closest too me, I only hate 3 people. He is one of them, the last time I saw him he had a very smug face and a cunt on his arm. He wasnt looking so smug tonight. The fucking penis, he looked like a 40 year old man! Fucking loser! We then moved on to a few more pubs and had many more beverages. We settled in one of our favourite pubs just before you get into town and I very much enjoyed a few of the blackcurrent lagers they had on tap! I caught a look at myself in the mirror from the side and it wasnt good. How can I go out thinking I'm looking good and then you catch a glimpse from another angle and I look like a round ball! I'm so wide, I'm like double the size of the girl putting on her lippy in the next mirror next to me! Ugh!

We headed home at a reasonable time as we were all hungry. My bloated pink in the mirror look didnt put me off ordering my Indian take away. We had alsorts of goodies. Biriani, curry, nan bread, rice, chips! It was great and we drunkly drifted off watching a good 00s film 'Jack' . Love Robin Williams. Great night!

10/08/14 So at the back of my mind I know that I start my cleanse tomorrow where I don’t eat for 2 days so that only means one thing... I can eat what I want today!! I was planning on cooking everyone a lovely breakfast of scrambled eggs and bacon but we were still pretty stuffed from last nights take away. It was miserable outside so there was only really one option, go to the cinema. Normally I'd fill my bag with many goodies but i just grabbed a pack of cookies out the biscuit tin on the way out! The film was pretty average. I offered my cookies round but ate most myself. Mr D told me to be careful as I wont eat my lunch. Meh this was just my breakfast! After the film I nipped to the loo and reaslised I had one cookie left. I sat having a wee and ate my cookie. This is a true sign of a fatty. Sneekily eating a cookie whilst on the toilet! I also lied that I must have left the rest of the cookies at the cinema. Lying about secret cookie eating is the ultimate sign of a fatty! I should be ashamed of myself! I am.

We went for a roast dinner for lunch and then we thought of going to many different places we stuck with what we knew was good! Its a good carvery but always busy we didnt have to wait too long. Normally when I go I'm on some kind of health kick and avoid the mash, roast pots and yorkshire! I know the best bits but I love my veggies so I'm usually okay! Today I was going all out and opted for some crispy roasts, homemade yorkshire and cheesey mash with a good bit of roast beef! I was actually disapointed the roast potatoes were pretty poor and the mash had big bits of raw spring onion! maybe somebody is telling me I should stick to the healthy option! After Mr Ds friends went home the onesies and the box sets came out! We spent the whoe afternoon/evening lazing! Sometimes you just have to be lazy!! Early evening he started making cheese butties whilst I fried up last nights left overs. I hate waste and why would I chuck away such good food? Tasted great! It helps that I have a stomach of iron! Nothing seems to effect me, must be all the years of out of date food. I remember an old boss said to me once when I'd spent a few days off work with food poisioning "I always thought you had a stomach of iron I thought nothing would effect you" Thats becasue you were right I was actually skiving and had extended my weekend party for 2 days extra drinking!

Damn Fucking Rude

28/07/14 Up at 7am and blitzed the kitchen before having my first day on my own taking D out. He seemed to like me, the weather was good so headed for the safe option of Elvaston Castle. I love Elvaston Castle it reminds me of my childhood we used to go there alot and I don’t associate any of the bad times with that place. I took a back route because I thought it would be quieter for him thinking it would lead to the middle bit where there was toilets. We walked on and on down ‘the nature trail’ after walking for quite some while I had no idea where we were and I thought I knew all of the tracks! I decided to head back the way we came and take another route. This took some time and he told me he needed the toilet. He gets anxious if he cant go straight away so I was a little worried but I managed to keep him calm and get him to the loo on time! We fed the ducks and did plenty of walking. I saw a few people I knew along the way and stopped for a chat so the time went by quicker than I expected. I enjoyed it and D didn’t stop smiling so I think I did okay!

 Felt good to be back at Insanity tonight. I felt I worked hard and it felt good. Mrs B is so fit. Everyone at some point gives up on certain exercises. (apparently its impossible to complete the whole thing) Even the fittest stop at quite a few points but Mrs B has got to be in the top 3 of the fittest that rarely stop. Shes a machine!

After insanity I was just going to write on Js wall who I did personal training with to tell her how good she was looking when I realised we were no longer friends on facebook. I messaged her saying 'I was just about to message you saying how slender you were looking tonight when I realised were not friends on here anymore' thought it might be a mistake. I then checked S and Kat and none of them are my friends any longer. It can only be my blog. J has always raved about how great my blog is so they must have got offended when I said none of them had contacted me. Which is only truth and that I said sometimes I felt out of the circle because they talked a lot about babies and catchment areas. Really? Get a fucking grip! Ive only ever been bloody nice! . I thought more of Kat. Sorry I thought I came tonight and paid you £4 of my hard earned money? I also thought I’d bought 2 other people with me who paid there hard earned cash? I think its damn fucking rude! You must of all had a nice little chat together to delete me! I'm sure I was friends with a few others too (who added me!) How fucking grown up of you! Hope you had a nice little chat! Well you know what I’m not going to stop coming to classes why the fuck should I?! But don’t be fucking waving at me or being nice because I tell you now one thing I hate more than anything is 2 faced people!! Now fuck off!

29/07/14 Woke up feeling a little better about things. Fuck them! There not my friends. Mr D described me as a m and m. Hard shell with a soft centre, Im too sensitive for my own good sometimes. My bites had got even bigger and the back of both my legs were swelled up and hard thought I better get myself to the doctors. My mum texted me and said I should mention the referral to the mental health place that I never received a letter from them so I did. He said its a separate company but when I explained that they never replied to my original email, they sent me a letter asking me what service I want. How do I know what service I want? And then made me a appointment for 4 months and told me they’d send a letter but never did! He said I should put a complaint in. So in April I went to the doctors at a very low point and neither the doctors or the mental place made any effort to check I’m okay or even give me a appointment. Thats bullshit! What if I wasn’t okay? What if I was suicidal? That some big hole in the net there! Anyway armed with my antibiotics I went off to work to try and sort out my pay.

My day only got worse. Yes I was on emergency tax and that could be sorted and they can sort out the sleep ins that I wasn’t paid but I was wrong about how much I earn a year. When they put 18-21 on the job that means points not thousands so basically that means they could have put me on anything as I wasn’t working for the council previously I had no idea about the points scale. Confusing and ridiculous. I know I spoke on the phone about my starting wage but thats not very helpful if I signed to a scale. I just wanted to cry. Even though it was only 800 less than I thought I left for the minimum I’d leave for taking a pay cut. I wouldn’t have left for that figure. I was honest with my boss and said I will have to start looking for a new job. She replied and said I have no intention of losing you leave it with me. Which I should really see as a positive Ive been there less than 2 months and its good to know your boss has your back. I was determined that all this was not going to effect my diet and went to the gym. Asked for dance fit and got changed. I got upstairs and it was half way through a different class. I’d got the wrong time and the dumbass on reception didn’t think to tell me that I’d missed dance fit and he’d signed me in to a class that was already half way through. Twat! Went for a swim and didn’t have a pound coin. Bollocks. I fucking hate days like today. I swam anyway and managed to dodge my things getting to wet as you walk through the showers to get to the pool. In the afternoon I was supposed to show my bridesmaids where we were getting married and had booked a appointment but she was ill and cancelled. I struggled to get out of my lull and went home and slept all afternoon. Sometimes I exhaust my own mind over thinking and stressing about things.

My boss texted talking about sleeps in bring extra money and the tax man owes me money and maybe pension has starting taking money out. Neither of that makes any difference that I am on a shiter wage. The only way to make extra money is to work more extra hours but thats not really the point. I really don’t want to start looking but this is a poorer wage that I didn’t sign up for.

Pretty poor day overall.

30/07/14 Had a good plan for taking D out today started off at Carrsington having a good walk round. It was cloudy today but no rain so mananged to stay outside. We then headed to Matlock Bath and mum, Mrs B and my niece were having lunch on the next table. We had to wait ages for food and D was struggling to sit and wait for so long but he did really well. I had a small bowl of chips which I thought was pretty good considering we were at Matlock bath which is full of huge plates of fish, chips and mushy peas! Looking at the menu there wasn’t really any healthy choices I think I panni would have been worse than a small bowl of chips. They weren’t even chip shop chips. Just average fried chips.  As Ds parents cover all food costs I don’t like to spend too much on myself I try and keep it cheap for me and salads are always stupidly expensive! I’m still trying to log all my food in my fitness pal to try and keep me on track so it didn’t seem to affect my day.

Though I didn’t feel down today I still was a little bit within myself. I went to insanity with Mrs B. Kat spoke to me and encouraged me to be on top of my game. I wasn’t rude, I wasn’t nice. Its her class and its a good one so I’ll go and speak as much as I need to but no chit chat. No friendly banter. I saw the other 2 down the end but they don’t interest me. There little group don’t interest me. Being there actually made me feel determined to lose weight. To fucking crack this if theres any doubters out there. Prove them all wrong!

Mr B has always said to me all my friends are nutters. This is true but there honest nutters. I think my intial judgment people is good and I should have stuck with that. My friends are opinated and say it how it is. Fake little groups are not my kind of people. I know my kind of people. Mr D, My brother, my Bessie, my other fave people if Ive been a twat they tell me Ive been a twat! I like this. I love these people.

I ached pretty bad and just had a bubble bath and went upstairs to read my book. Sometimes I like a bit of time to myself. It meant Mr D got a evening of x box so Im sure he wasn’t complaining lol!

31/07/14 I always wake up early with lots of time to get ready but somehow seem to get busy sorting out washing and pottering round and then have a crazy need to get showered and out the door in 5 minutes! I hate being late. I picked up D and we had a lovely time walking round Roliston. I can’t power walk as hes not a fast walker but plenty of walking has got to be better than nothing! Also there was a few hills that were pretty steep. Today seem quite as long as but I still felt shattered afterwards. I was going to go swimming but by the time I got home and tied up a bit I started making fish pie and it was time for Mr D to come home!

E a girl I went to college with who I chat to a lot of facebook as she is also always trying different way to loose weight sent me a message. She was feeling a little down about her weight and asked for some advice on where I get my clothes from as I always dress nice. This really made my day. I gave her some advice and ideas and it made me think maybe I’ll do a special feature on the best way to dress for a fat bird.

Mr D has just been tagged in some of pics of our camping trip a few weeks. Theres a few group pics and I’m right in the middle. A big red blob. I look massive. I look hideous. Wish I’d gone to the gym today.

I’m grumpy tonight, not sure why really. I feel tired and iretable. Mr D keeps talking about how bad the weathers going to be this weekend at the festival and thats put a downer on it. Ive been rushing round trying to get us 90s outfits at last minute for the theme but he says were probably just going to be in waterproofs anyway. Think I’ll have a early night.

01/08/14 Last night as I was starting to drift off my foot started hurting. I had a look and realised there was something in it. I dug around with my tweezers and pin and got out a thorn. I then drifted off to sleep. This morning I woke up and couldn’t walk on it! I got up hobberling around. I needed to pack for Y Not. I went downstairs and the washing needed sorted, the pots needed doing and there was camping stuff everywhere. It all felt a bit overwhelming so I just went back up to bed for a while until I got my arse in gear and ran around for half an hour sorting it all out. I could of easily just stayed in bed feeling sorry for myself, I was going to go the gym but my foot was hurting so I went swimming. Swimming gives me time to make sense of things and plan what I need to do. A swim was perfect for today. Got home and started prepapring things for Y Not Festival! Mr D was going to try and finish a bit early about 5 so I had plenty of time! I chilled out having a bubble bath and painting my nails and then he walked through the door over an hour early! This completly threw me, I thought I had loads of time and now I was just running around like a crazy woman not really doing anything. I wanted to spend lots of time straightening my hair hoping it will be ok for the following day. Things just went down hill. We forgot the tickets and had to go back for them. We dropped off the dog at his mums but left the tent pegs there so we had to go back for them. By the time we arrived it was raining and dragged our stuff all the way and soaked after the first 10 minutes of being there! Our tent was already put up by Mr Ds Bessie which was jolly nice of him. I had a beer in my hand with blackcurent in (the only way I really like to drink lager) which another of his friend had packed with her! The rain wasn’t so bad. I watched a few bands including razorlight and you soon forget that it was miserable! Had a good sing song but was certainly not interested in the main act White Lies. Had to see them a couple of times in the past and I nearly slit my wrists it was that depressing! A little bit pissed we headed to a smaller tent to see Andrew WK. He only had one song so wasn’t sure how he was going to do a whole set! It was very entertaining there was a ugly bald man dancing around the stage in a vest lots of count downs and cheering. Me and Mr D were right on the edge and snook back stage twice just because we could. We could of easily jumped on stage and there was only 2 security guards who were more concerned about people being on each others shoulders! We decided against the stage plan in the end but very tempting!

I actually ate pretty good today though it was disapointning. We had falafal and holumi wrap but it was poor there wasnt much holumi and with all the good food choices it was crap. We did drink a fair few beers and a few snacky items when we got in the tent but not awful after a sess.

 02/08/14 Woke up to it raining hard which was quite relaxing if you ignored the stag party next to us that were moaning about the fact their mate had pissed everywhere! After little sleep I manged to snooze off a little but Mr D got up and chatted to his friends under the gazebo. I popped my head out to see if anything interesting was going on, it wasn’t so I had a relaxing morning to myself reading my book in the tent as it rained outside. It was then time to get ready for the 90s theme despite the weather! Mr Ds friends made some good effort with Captain Planet and ferbies that she’d made from scratch and they were very good. (She does costume design for the west end so there bound to be good!) and me as Geri and Mr D as Luigi. We had no Mario lol. The atmosphere was good and many other Spice girls around the festival were friendly like we had to be because we were all Spice girls! I seemed to have lost everyone so as I strolled round I thought bugger it theres no point in being at a festival if I’m not enjoying the lovely food. Being on my own and nothing to do I found myself at pie minister with a whole choice of amazing sounding pies. I sat there on my own enjoying a pie, I then found Mr D and decided not to tell him about the pie as I knew he’d of wanted me to wait for him! Secret pie eating you don’t get more cliché for a fat bird! We snook off for a nap around 5pm when there wasn’t much on and got changed out of our damp muddy costumes we headed back in time to watch the Fratellies. I’d stopped drinking today quite early on my stomach was already feeling dodgy after not eating what I normally eat so I just didn’t feel like drinking. It got absolutely rammed kids everywhere trying to squeeze into spaces that didn’t excist. I started to get pissed off and constently being shoved passed but it only got worse when I young girl behind me got on a guys shoulders and her muddy wellies kept kicking me in the back. I turned round and said ‘do you mind’ they both looked at me completly blurry eyed and out of it they had no idea what I even said. Fuck heads! At this point we decided to leave and watch nearer the back. Even one of Mr Ds quiet friends had ended up having a go at someone. There are some rude little fuckers in the world! We were not bothered about Dizzy Rascal and headed back to the gazebo where a few of us just chilled out and chatted. I do mean chilled out this evening had gone really cold. I was already sitting their shivering with 4 layers and a blanket over me a knew it was going to be a looong night!!

03/08/14It was a really cold night it took us so long to get to sleep even fully clothed with as many bits as we could find chucked on top of us. We drifted off listening to the stag party and woke up to the posh kids trying to work out their gas cooker. I thought Y Not festival was more of a local folky hippyish festival but I was wrong I should of realised when I saw Dizzy Rascal on the line up really. Its more of a festival for the local posh kids from surrounding Derbyshire areas to where hot pants and put bandanas round there head and get drunk on daddys money. Seriously every young male had a bandana tied round their forehead, who do they think they are Axel Rose? They probably don’t even know who Axel Rose is! Every girl had tiny denim hot pants on. I think if your in between the ages of 14-20 any shape or size you got a free pair with your wrist band when you got in. Seriously get a grip kids, your all just sheep! And denim hot pants do not suit everybody!

I had a few beers to try and get me in the zone and saw a few locla bands. Its good to support the local bands. I was flagging a bit today but the sun was shining. Hot pants were out! (obviously not me just every other person!) We really wanted some good food today and were eyeing up a lot of food to make a good choice. We saw someboday have a lamb wrap with salad and yogurt which looked delicous. We waited it out until we were really hungry and went for the wrap. They had sold out! Disapointed we had a look round and decided to go for some Portuguese grub! Salad, rice with chicken and pork in a tomatoe and courgette sauce. It was yummy and deffo one of the healthier options at the festival! We carried on watching bands I wasn't really interested in. One of the main acts could not sing at all! Yes they had good stage presence and could play their instruments and were good with the crowd! but they could not sing!! Started feeling disapointed! Mr D told the group about my secret pie eating! How embarrasing! Token fat bird sneakily eating a pie! You dont get more cliche than that!! 'Who ate all the pies???'

We then waited even longer. Why did Frank Turner have to be on last? We were shattered and bored of waiting around when 'De La Soul' came on. Some old man Hip Hop act that I'd never heard of. They couldnt be more different to Frank Turner. We really needed a good band to pick us up and get us in the mood but this was not our cup of ta at all! We decided to sod off and sit on some some hay bale. Mr D wasnt feeling good we were both shattered and just decided bugger it we were going home! We'd seen Frank Turner in February so wasnt the end of the world. We left and didnt hit any traffic at all. We zoomed back and we were showered and tucked up in bed before he would have even started!  We were happy thats all that mattered!

I do not share chips!

21/07/14 Didn’t get called in for supply again but even though any extra cash is always nice I was secretly happy I could make plans with my mum! Firstly I went to get weighed and found out I lost 5lb so my hard work before the low worked out for me! And spurred me on to work harder!! My Live Well man doesn’t really have much to say. Hes obviously not very enthusiastic about his job, his phone always goes off at least 3 times in my appointment with him. He could at least put it on silent! He said that it worked out about 3-4 pounds but I knew how much I weighed last week and looked it up and it was 5lb. Thick prick!

Me and mum had a lovely day. She loved our new garden and as a engagement gift bought us some more lovely flowers for it. I’m pleased she likes it shes the first one to see it and normally she can find a fault or 2 but she didn’t give any! We did some sowing were quite creative me and my mum and made some flags for the garden like in the Marks and Spencer advert. We popped to a few shops and nipped in for a brew with my nan and granddad. She always has a diet coke ready for me when I come round.

I was going to go to Kats Insanity class tonight. Mr D was away on training and I had the evening to myself. I was hoping Mrs B was able to come with me but she wasn’t sure if she could so I bottled it and didn’t go. I thought I’d go to the Booby shaking class and then a swim. I arrived to find out the pool closed at 5.30 that really annoyed me as I had just paid for 2 hours parking! Fuckers why does it close at 5.30?! The class was busy in a small room. Full of regulars. Camp man seems to be wearing eye liner today. Booby shaking Hip Hop Lady was wearing batman gym trousers, now that is impressive! I got my nice spot in the middle and as the class got going I started getting more and more annoyed with the lady infront of me! She was all legs and arms all over the place reminded me of Bambi when shes trying to walk! She kept getting closer and closer to me. Arms and legs just missing my fucking face! She skimmed me a few times, could she not feel that? Can she not see in the mirror I’m right behind her? At one point she’d push so far back I was in a Bambi, Posh Spice sandwhich!! And then Booby Shaker was dancing around and she came over to do the twist infront of me. I may like you batman trousers love but I do not want your sweaty crotch near my face!

With Mr D away I had to keep myself amused! I decided I wanted to stick with my hair colour but make it a little spicier! It went a little spicier than planned! Its a little on the bright side! Hmm so much for trying not to colour my hair!

22/07/14 Last day at work ooosshhh! Spent the morning going over the new kids for next year. It was pretty useful for me still being the newbie and finding a bit about the students families, support needs and triggers. We then just had to finish the clean up. Pottering around tidying up. I’d been eyeing up the skip outside all morning. The caretaker had been taking down all of the wooden kids playstuff out of the back and thought I could use some for a bench with the log ends I had at home. I like to think I started a trend as a few people started sniffing around it after I took a few pieces of wood. I wished I wasn’t wearing a long skirt as I’d got right in the skip and got some of the good bits out of the bottom but I couldn’t reach. A couple of the resi staff helped me. They said I should be on the show 'super scrimpers' Its a good show but I’m not sure I’d want to give away too many of my secrets or they’d be no bargains left for me. Skips are something Ive never really done but Kirsty (Allsopp) tells of all the goodies you can get from skips so I feel this is something I should try more in the future. Before I left I met D. He used to come to the school I work at and his mums a supply teacher here. Ive been given the opportunity to do a bit of work with him taking him out in the holidays. Extra dosh and something to do with my 6 weeks! Bonus! 6 weeks off is great if youve got kids or you have plenty of money! Dont get me wrong I’d love to be a lady that lucnches just go to the gym, eat out, get my hair done but unfortunately I can not afford that life style. Really pleased with some extra work!

Mr D took me out for dinner tonight to his fave pub. Its a cool place with real ale and random old shit like broken accordion on the side and candles everywhere. I like it. The menu was full of fabulous homecooked amazing sounding food so I actually surprised myself when I picked one of the healthiest options. I went for steak with a fruity kind of ju, with new potatoes, stilton and watercress. There wasn’t alot of stilton which was good because of the calories but enough for it to taste good. Mr D didn’t even mind that I’d choosen the most expensive thing on the menu. He went for fish and chips which looked equally fabulous. We decided to be good and not go for a pud even though we were very tempted by the cheese board. I actually feel pretty impressed with myself this evening.

23/07/14 I went along to the training the boss had asked me to go along and knew that I really needed to concentrate and take notes. In my old job I knew my stuff. Years of working within behaviour, going to meetings, working with agencies and families I knew my role and above inside out. I even spent time covering on SLT. This job is new to me I need more knowledge. I’m 30 now I need to realise I might actually need to learn things at training and not spend my time writing holiday clothing lists and doodling my latest fancy dress outfit and pretend like I’m just taking notes. (Ive done this for the last 10 years its hard to get out of a bad habbit) The truth is I’m really bad and concentrating and sitting still. At my last job Minge used to time how long I can sit in my seat for and it was never long. Strangely enough my lack of concentration skills is how a few of previous bosses picked up on my dyslexia. The first one I shrugged off but when my next boss said exactly the same thing I thought I better get tested. Its not something I really talk about much I don’t want to get judged on it. Anyway the training was reasonably interesting it was just update on new policies that I’d previously worked with a lot. I could see why the boss wanted me to know it as this was much my bag coming from a family worker background and she wants to keep me up to date. I spoke to some of the school staff I knew after (none of the resi staff were there) and they had no idea what anyone of it was about. It didn’t help that one small Chinese lady spoke incredibly fast and nobody had any idea what she was saying. Surely she couldn’t have been employed as a guest speaker??!

Anyway I zoomed straight off afterwards to get ready and go out with the resi team. Its hard when you go out in the middle of the day as you don’t know exactly how much effort to make but I like to make effort when I go out so plenty of slap and my hair extentions were in. Maxi dress on some flowers in my hair and I was ready. We had a nice meal bought on groupon. (I love a team that like a bargain!) but unfortunately I did not make a healthy choice. Thats the problem if I get to a meal too early. We had 20 minutes to look over the menu and slowly good choice start going at the window the hungrier I get. That why they tell you not to go food shopping when your hungry because you just make bad choices. So I went for fish, chips and mushy peas and it was damn good! Looking at some of the others plates I seemed to make a good choice as some of the others portions didn’t look nearly as generous. I even gave away a few chips which something I would never normally do. I must still be trying to be nice that may have been one of the most generous things ive ever done. I do not share chips! We then went to a bar with 2-4-1 cocktails all the school staff were in there still in the same clothes from training so I gather they came straight out. I felt a little dressed up but knew I wouldn’t have felt nice if I’d not. Obviously I had my usual stash of booze in my handbag. I went to the bar and bought the 2-4-1 mocktails which were just a nice orange combo. Someone asked me what I was drinking and I told them it was a mocktail. They said ‘Oo get you all sensible’ just shows how little these people really dont know me yet. Though I do think its sensible pouring my own vodka in. Its sensible as its saving me lots of pennies! The night was ok it was good to natter to a few folks over a few drinks. One girl I didn’t even know gave me a free cocktail. Bonus! My new team and a few others I don’t even know too well yet told me they have read some of my blog this freaks me out a little as my blog is really like my diary. I hope nobody gets easily offended as I just tend to say whatever I’m thinking. Its strange when I thought about starting a blog about trying to loose weight I didn’t think it would involve so much of my life but its turns out nearly everything I do effects the choices that I make and wheather Im going to lose weight all not.

The Mr came to pick me up about 7ish and when i got out in the fresh air I felt a little more tidderly than I thought I was. I hope the next work night out is a little more hardcore.

24/07/14 Today was the first day I was taking D out with J from work. There are alot of opportunities in our line of work to pick up extra work on the side helping families with a bit of rest bite and taking their child out places. With J going on holiday I was going to be his replacement for 2 weeks so the nice lady was paying both of us for 2 days so he could get used to me. D was a nice chap age 21 and even though he didn’t have a lot of speech he smiled alot of the time and was happy going on walks in the countryside. I came armed with pastries and ate a rather burnt and dry pan au chocalat for breakfast. We went to Carrsington the weather really got hot and even though the walk was pretty slow it was a lovely day in the sunshine. We stopped for lunch in the cafe outside and I made a healthy choice of a healthy turkey sarnie. The wind picked up a lot first taking some of my salad then taking the top of my sandwhich! For gods sake I pick something healthy then the bloody wind takes it ! I wanted that sandwhich! It was a nice days work me and J nattered about work and our up and coming weddings which are both next summer. I wasnt hungover at all and apart from getting a quite badly sunburnt back. (I was hardly going to get my new work collegue or the student to rub in my back was I?!) it was a good day. I did have a ice cream. I didn’t really even think about it partly due to half of my sandwhich blowing away and still being hungry and partly due to it being sooo hot I needed something nice and cold.

No exercise for me tonight! I was pretty pooped and I needed to start making sure everything was ready for Saturday! So I wrote lists!

25/07/14 Got picked up about 9.40 and took D out again with J from work. Today we took him swimming. We went for a nice drive first up to where J lives and used the baths there. It was fun D seemed to really enjoy himself. He seems to be taking to me fine and smiles at me a lot which is nice and I think means he likes me! We were in the pool for over an hour. I was wrinkly and cold but got a fair amount of swimming done. Always good to get some exercise in when you’re getting paid. Double whammy!! Me and J started a game where we had to guess peoples lives. Very stereotypical guessing there jobs and marital status but it was amusing. After lunch where I made a reasonable choice of brie and cranberry Panini it was time to take D home.

That evening we were going to a wedding reception. Mr D wasn’t sure we’d have time to go but I made sure everything was ready for the party. I love going to weddings! I don’t go to nearly enough! Now it didn’t matter that I didn’t know the couple. I didn’t even know the brides name! The groom was somebody Mr D worked with. The first good thing about going to a wedding is you get to wear one of your beautiful dresses and you can go for a fancier than average hair accessories. I love getting dressed up and  went for a floral dress with a messy side bun, swept fringe and a beautiful 40s style feather fascinator. So much nicer than Ive described. Then I look forward to how theve decorated the place, her dress, the first dance and the buffet! Unfortunately it was a very average wedding at a well known golf club in Derby. It was extremely small and probably for a lot of money. They’d tried and had a sweet counter and a photo booth but there was nothing original about it. The dress was boring, the cake standard 3 tier. The outdoor space was small and right next us was all the public eating their dinner. Kids were singing on the microphone and the bride sang a little song. Nobody danced. There were about 50 guests but everyone was happy when the buffet opened. As usual all thoughts of trying to be good were out of the window and I had a place of quiche, chicken goujons and other beautiful little pastry type goodies. We also went back for more. Ugh double badness but the food was pretty nice.  The bride and groom looked happy and thats all that really matters. As long as it was the perfect day for them but it couldn’t have been more opposite to what we wanted. After a little pose with some extra large sunglasses and a crown on in the photo booth we headed for home.

26/07/14 Sooo tired I feel like I haven’t slept properly for so long. I spent the morning making burgers, potatoe salad and cleaning up in a zombie style state. I used all my energy on making the garden look pretty with bunting and setting the table beautifully. At one point I contemplated a nap to sort me out but I just didn’t have enough time not even blasting out some Gaga or Mcfly got me in the zone. I didn’t even spend much time getting ready it was hot and sticky so couldn’t put much slap on, put my extentions in but just went with the side pony. I even had chipped nails, not great for my engagement party! People soon started piling in with bags of food. I was busy cooking in the kitchen and the Mr was on the Barbie. The garden was buzzing was both our families and friends people seemed to be mingling well and enjoying the food. I barely had time to eat I only grazed whilst I busied round. I had a burger and a sausage and that was about it even though I’d made skewers and fish parcels and loads of other goodies. I didn’t have time to drink much either I had a few coors light which I kept forgetting where I’d left them. I wish people would only turn with one thing for the bbq we had a lot of sausages and enough cobs to last us weeks! The ducks would certainly be getting a good feast this week! Me and Mr D started chilling out a bit and mingling more everybody was starting to get merry and I moved on to some peach snapps. Not too strong but a nice Saturday afternoon fruity beverage. People came and went everybody seemed pretty happy and it was pretty bloody fabulous. Mr Ds mum gave us the quote she had got for our wedding it was above what we had in the budget which I thought it would be. An hour later Mr and Mrs D had a chat with me and junior Mr D and told us they would like to pay for us to have the package that they’d got the quote for. It was amazing and would save alot of stressing over putting up marquees and lights and trying to sort out dance floors and geneators. It was a amazing gift! I’m not good at excepting small gifts but this was something else. I said we would pay some of it back which they declined but I will try again at a future date. This really is going to be a amazing wedding but we knew that anyway J

Only the hardcore were left drinking and I really didn’t think I was that bad when my Aunty bought out the bottle of black sambuka. I remember doing some shots and then happily sitting on log ends and playing guitars around our fire pit in the new woodland style back bit of our garden. I also remember having a good cry about my old job and how muched i missed it. Strange how sometimes it takes the truth to come out when your drunk. I cried becasue I missed the kids, I cried becasue I missed having a good job where people relied on me and I was a imporant part of running the place. I miss people coming to me for advice and decsion making. Bloody hell I miss the bloody mad house!

It was exactly how we hoped it would be. (The garden and the party) it goes blurry around that point and I have vague memories of puking up some booze before I hit the sack.

27/07/14 Oh my gosh so hungover today it was unreal! I wondered downstairs about 7am got some water and headed back upstairs I quickly deteriorated. My head did not want to leave the pillow my head fuzzy and feeling sick. After lying awake for hours feeling shit I was sick. Pure booze ugh. Mr D went out for breakfast with his mate that stayed and I stayed in bed feeling sorry for myself. By the time he was back I had a little nibble on some dry bread and thought I was ready for breakfast. Mr D made me a sausage cob and I knew after one bite it didn’t feel right but he’d made for me so I ate it up. 30 minutes later I didn’t even have time to make the bathroom, good job my bin was there. Ugh poor Mr D having to listen to that. More hours ticked by of similar scenarios and Mr D accidently bought me a salt and garlic cob instead of a bit of butter on it. By 6pm I was finally on the mend and we ate left over BBQ food whilst watching a lovely little film. I know Mr D let me watch what I wanted to make me feel better! I heard a few stories of how I fell off a chair and crashed about midnight after telling everyone I was sober. Its very rare I’m ill after drinking especially when I didn’t really drink that much. One of my mates N equally able to drink as much as me was also dog rough and puking. I don’t think black sambuka is for me! Back in bed by 9pm and I didn’t even look at the cleaning I needed to do in the kitchen!