Sweaty velvet bum crack in my face!

14/07/14 I was hoping to get rang up for supply today but I didn’t. Got up and ready but no call which was shit as I’m skint and have made no plans. I decided to squeeze in a quick swim before my class but ended up waiting in the queue for 10 minutes waiting for the dick head receptionist to get off the phone to get through so I had 12 minutes to swim! I tried to swim harder than usual to make it more worth my while but 12 minutes felt a bit pointless. Then there was the mad dash in the changing room to get dry and to my class on time. I felt like I was in a triathlon. I was not very good at it. My sports bra wouldn’t go on because I was still damp so it was all twisted up my back and in my throat. One boob hanging out. My hair bobble snapped and my trousers were on backwards. I left them like that (my trousers not my bra!) not like I haven’t been to class with them backwards before! I dashed down without even looking in a mirror to find the swimming clock was fast. I arrived 5 minutes early and the class started 10 minutes late. FUCKERS!

Can’t snap out of this tired, subdued feeling. I wish I’d been called in to worktoday because all afternoon I’ve just strolled around with this cloud over my head. I took Scruff for a walk and watched as a man sat on a wall not realising anybody was watching and filled his pepsi bottle with vodka. This is exactly what my dad would of done and it made me feel sad. Actually thats wrong my dad didn’t need the pepsi he’d just go to the shop drink it straight and come home and we’d see him slowly deteriate to a drunken slurry mess in the corner. We didn’t really bring friends home much then.

We had a roast tonight because we were a party yesterday and we’d bought a reduced chicken with stuffed breast joint thinking it would be a healthy option. 825 calories for a portion!!!! 8 fucking hundred and 2 5 calories for a bit of chicken and stuffing!! That is crazy. Well I’m not going to make that mistake again! 99% pure fat?! I know that counting calories isn’t always the best way to lose weight but it does make you aware of high some foods are!

15/07/14 I didn’t make the 6.30am class today. My alarm went off, I splashed my face and stood in the garden but I just felt shattered and still had a headache. I got back in bed and snuggled up to Mr D. I made up for it with another double whamy and swam before I went to dance fit.  Hippy boob shaking hip hop lady was wearing a cropped top today. She has quite a round stomach and even though she doesn’t have any hips at all she does have a little meat around the middle. I can’t decide if I think this is good or bad. Kat is super fit and is very strict and on it which I like that but sometimes it does feel like she would never understand how hard it is for someone with weight problems. But then it doesn’t fill you with confidence that the classes your doing with a instructer thats a little round is working you hard enough but on the other hand maybe it means she ‘normal’ and likes her food as well as exercising. There was a woman infront of me this week that was trying to look 'cool' She wore her sunglasses throughout the class and had on a pair of black velvet bottoms and a vintage style top. Your at the gym love what the bloody hell are you doing?! and you obviously can't be exercising very hard if your sunglasses are staying on your face! Its a big room for that class but she still kept getting closer and closer to me. All I could think of is how sweaty she must be in those velvet trousers! She bent over right in my face! No lady I do not want your sweaty velvet bum crack in my face!

Some days I don’t really feel like talking when I got to work today thats how I was feeling. Think I’m feel pretty worn out, all the extra exercising and working late. Sometimes I'm just in my own little world and happy with my own company. We had a nice shift and all headed off to the park for a pinic. The best food weve had since I’ve worked here. Sandwhichs, fruit, crisps and rice krisipie cakes. Not the healthiest but no the worse i tracked it all fine on my fitness pal. It was really nice but I was still happy to get home to the Mr!

16/07/14 Wednesday already whoop! Thats the good thing about cramming 37 hours in to 4 days and not working Mondays. 4 day working week is pretty fucking fabulous! Woke up feeling thinner. Checking out my middle in the mirror definitely looked flater! Oosh on that note I will eat well today and try and work hard at my swim between having my neice. Swim 2 lengths play humpty dumpty with neice. Swim another 2 lengths play dolphins with neice! On my split shift the time between work goes so quick!! Back to work in which felt like an hour. I avoided the chocolate cake, I avoided the chocolate cake, I avoided the chocolate cake! All shift until 10 bloody pm when I gave into the chocolate cake! First just a few loose crumbs at the side but then I tried that chocolate topping which was amazing!! So I had to cut myself a slice and devoired it in seconds! Bugger I was doing so well!! Attempted to calorie count and my fitness pal said I’d only gone over today by 7 calories. I’m really not sure what hidden extras could be hiding in some of this work food I’m eating! Ugh this could be much worse than I think it is!!

17/07/14 Planned to snooze for a little longer this morning but I was dressed and out the door by 8.40am with homemade beef stroganoff already in the slow cooker. I popped to the shops on the way to class and discovered that in the morning the fruit and veg store have lots of things for 20p that need eating!! This will deffo part of my new routine! Bring on the peaches! The class was the same as last week Butch talking about her family, making comments about people she doesn’t like and talking about how people were getting it on on Big Brother last night. Pretty boring stuff but the class is good she works us hard and my arse cheeks are hurting! Thats got to be good!

Back to work I got the cook to give me the raw ingrediants tonight so I could teach the girls how to cook carbonara and do a damn better job off it! He was not pleased as this meant he had to seprate bits out just for the 4 of us which meant him doing 'extra work' Sod off!  Were trying to teach the kids independence here and slapping your disgusting mush on their plates is not helping anybody! It went well the girls did good and our version was much better complete with homemade garlic bread and little chocolate cakes for afterwards. Yup I said cakes L and a scone for supper L  I don’t know how Ive gone from being so motivated to eating pudding and supper at work again?! Why do I let temptations get the better of me?! Going to sleep at work alone disappointed with myself. Mr D rang and told me not worry I will do better tomorrow! Bloody love that man!

18/07/14 Started off a mad busy morning getting all the kids packed with all their stuff for the summer. Me and a student then made scrambled eggs and toast for 4. The other 2 didnt turn up because thay were packing so we had a lot of scrambled eggs to eat! Not the best start to a good day but we threw most of the toast to the birds. I’m absolutely shattered today, it was so hot last night I just kept waking up hot and bothered so I started flagging quite early on in the day. My big plan to do the double class/swim was out the window as I headed straight home at 3pm exhausted. I knew when I got home I was going to be greeted by a massive pile of woodchips for the garden on the drive but I had no idea how big the pile was going. It was massive so I knew exactly what my Friday night was going to consist of! I had half a n hour power nap (I love a good power nap!) got my shorts on and made a start! Digging, wheelbarrowing and emptying at the back of the garden. Its annoying that we’d already spent £90 on bark for the local tree surgeon to tell us he’d do us a load for £20 so now we had more than we knew what to do with! Mr D came home and we didn’t stop shovelling in the sun for hours! I made the rash decision that a easy way to get rid of a lot of woodchips was to do the front garden too. We only had a small lawn at the front so filled the whole thing. On reflection I wasn’t sure if I’d done the right thing! By 9pm we were buggered but there was only a small pile left so we were pretty chuffed and it must of been pretty good exercise!! We decided to have our treat night tonight and I ordered a lamb shaslick set meal whilst the Mr had a curry whilst watching Planet of the Apes. Loads left over but it was bloody lovely! Obviously I didn’t waste the left overs, we’ll save those for tomorrow!!

19/07/14 We woke up to a miserable rainy day out of the window. No Willington today then! I got Mr D up and we went for a nosey around a house clearance. Ive never to been to a house clearance before but after spending a lot of my time watching Kirsty I was hoping for some old dears house full of really old beautiful items but no it was a small modern smelly house in Burton. We didn’t stay long and we left empty handed! I bought some more flowers but it still being miserably and rainy we cosied up inside. We tried much harder to eat healthier. We like a big salad but easily get tempted with breads and cheeses. The sun started to peek out so we had a mad dash outside running around trying to finish off the chippings! We made it and had enough time to get showered and zoom off to the cinema to watch the next Planet of the Apes. It was rammed but it was bloody great! We ate a whole salted popcorn but thats got to be better than peanut m and ms and ice cream right?? I only had to shout at the teenage boys behind me once at a very crucial moment of the film when I could here them talking very loudly about what was about to happen! After what I thought was pretty polite for me when I turned round and shouted for them to 'shut up' They were silent for the rest of the film. I didnt swear that means I was polite.

20/07/14 I had a lie in today didn’t wake up until 9.15am! To be fair I was awake at 5.45 but managed to snooze off which is good for me. No exciting Sunday here straight back in to the garden! 2 hours of cleaning down, weeding and sweeping and finally the garden is starting look pretty good! Even though we had plenty of shopping in I couldn’t resist going for Sunday bargains as I’d not been for a while and it was so worth it! I spent £3.70, that 37 items at 10p each! I got lots of fresh fish I put straight in the freezer. Fruit, salad and all sorts of goodies. Bargains put me in a good mood! At home we finished our mozake garden table. Ha we sound so sad but we finished it together and it looks pretty damn bloody good! The garden is looking pretty damn good ready for our engagment BBQ next weekend. All this gardening has to be good exercise too! Wow I've just reaslised how boring my day sounded!! That deffo will never make my book :)

Buffet was calling me!!

07/07/14 Woke up covered in fucking bites! Itching and scratching the fuckers seem to love me! I must be big and juicey. Bastards! Bloody camping!!

 Went to see my well being officer this morning to get weighed. I got weighed a few weeks ago after my all inclusive hol so was feeling confident that I’d lost to then find out I’d gained a 1lb!! I’d done the check list before getting weighed. 1) No jeans/extra cardigans or any heavy clothing 2) empty pockets no phones or keys 3) always take shoes off 4) only have a yogurt for breakfast and most important 5) Have a poo. This was mega disappointing and rather embarrassing that I’d just been rambling on about doing more classes to put on a fucking pound!! But rather than feeling down about it like I usually would I felt determined!! And went straight to Miss Booby Shaking Hip Hop ladys zumba class. It was nice to go to a zumba class I usually end up doing all the horrible hard classes this days and I forget how much enjoy shaking my thang!! There were 2 really big ladies in class. One had a seat and kept sitting down every 5 mins but I thought it was bloody great that they were there. Both seemed to be on their own and were pushing their big bulk as much as they could. I know Ive found it hard at times being big and walking into classes on my own and getting on with it but I was half of these ladies. Good for them, I hope they fucking smash it!!

Started logging my food on my fitness pal today. Writing it down has always helped me so doing it on the go would be perfect! I am trying to put everything in place to help. I worked out my weight in stone and pounds as I’d been being weighed in kilograms and I was horrified at the result!! I am still around the Christmas weight mark! I only ever see this weight after Ive been filling my face on some kind of week long celebration and even at that its only been a few times. I’m truely gutted that I’m seeing this stone mark again. This time last year I was seeing 2 numbers lower and looking so much better!! I didn’t think I’d got up to this level of fat bastardness again. GUTTED!

08/07/14 Didn’t get back from work until 10.45pm but still got up for boot camp at 6.15am! Oooshh on it like a car bonnet!! Ive got to fucking do this now!! Kat said I looked slimmer than last week round my waist which was reassuring after my bloody 1lb gain! Worked hard for 45 minutes and then the same as last week instead of going back to bed like I thought I’d want to I was up and lively and feeling productive!! I put dinner in the slow cooker. (Quorn sausage casserole) took everything out of the shed and then put it in again in order and tidy and then I cleared up the garden. All this before 9am! I walked into the office at 1pm and it smelt of my most favourite food. The one food I will always struggle to resist. Chip shop chips. Not fries, not any other take away chips only chip shop. It’s a good job that there was none left as it would have took all my will power not to have any. We were lucky the food wasn’t too bad for tea tonight it was fishcake, oven chips with lots of salad and peas. I avoided the newspaper chocolate with no chocolate muffin there’s no way I’m wasting my calories on one of those again! Tonight we had the summer concert that went on for hours and hours. I struggled to sit still for long so how can I expect the students? There was a half an hour session from a musical company on recorders. RECORDERS? Talking about big ones and small ones. Playing a little tune. Bloody hell shoot me now!

09/07/14 I normally feel pretty shattered on a split shift. The break in the middle always goes really quick. I met up with mum and my beautiful niece to go for a swim. She loved the water but I really needed to get some exercise in between playing humpty dumpty, mermaids and sharks! I did enough between having fun splashing around and then headed home for scrambled  eggs, beans and quorn sausages on toast which turned out more calories than I hoped! Back to work to be greeted by a whole tray of doughnuts! Fuck you doughnuts I am strong! I then went out in the community and as usual with this class they went to Mcdonalds on the way home! Everybody put in their orders of big macs and milkshake and fries and me and one skinny member of staff said we didn’t want anything! It was hard and as we pulled into Mcdonalds carpark and smelt the lovely food I changed my mind. I didn’t want to sit there with nothing whilst everybody indulged so I treated myself to a large diet coke! We got back to class and everybody tucked in. It was one of the resi staffs birthdays so then the cake came out! But if I could be strong with Mcdonlds I could be strong with cake too!!

Wednesday evenings are usually activities with the kids outside. We only had small numbers tonight as the kids were leaving at 8pm because of the strike tomorrow. It was a lovely evening and I had a few kids following me round so decided to kill 2 birds with one stone. Actually 3 birds. 1) keep kids entertained 3) keep busy make work go quicker and 3) do some exercise! We set up a circuit class on the assault course and play equipment. We ran, jumped over things, did dips on the benches, did sit up with our feet under the climbing frame and ran up steps.  I managed to keep them entertained with this for about 20 minutes and we did pretty good. The only problem being I was not wearing appropriate exercising underwear and my boobs did hit me in the face on more than one occasion. We got to finish early which was great! Not only did I get back for some quality Mr D cosey box set on the sofa time but I always managed to get a few 10p bargains on the way home too. Whoop!

10/07/14 Strike Day! I was not striking with most the staff today. Mainly because I’d only just joined the school and also because I’d just left Unison because they were a bag of wank when I needed them in my previous job. They didn’t call me back when then said they would and I only got one email from them which was a spam and was just about penis enlargement anyway! Fucking bastards must remember to put in a complaint about them! Anyway as my shift doesn’t start until 1 but the school was closing at 3 because residential was shut that meant I got a full days wage for working 2 hours! Oooosshh! Thank you very much! I went to the beef cake Butchs class this morning and I really enjoyed it. It was similar to Kats total tone but a level down but still good and its the instructer Kat recommended. Butch talks alot she reminds me of a hairdresser. She has full conversations with people on the front row throughout the class. The only problem is Butch is the only one with a microphone so you can only hear one side of the conversation so you have to try and fill in the blanks yourself. I like to fill them in with rude words to make myself giggle and keep myself amused. She talked alot about people she knew calling one guy a ‘jaffa’ because he fires blanks and saying things like ‘You know that Beverly don’t you, I don’t like her shes the one that keeps horses... rah rah rah’ Good job I don’t know any these people. She talked a lot about a friend Julia which initially I thought was her dog when she said it was probably her that ate the boiled egg off her car floor but later on she made me think that this was probably her girlfriend! Fuck knows! But the class was good, I had a good work out!

I got home and went out to walk the pooch and a saw a work man get out his van and go in nextdoor. Now I never forget a face and I remember growing up on the same close as him when I was a kid/teen! I know kids will be kids and boys will be boys but I won’t ever forget some of the cruel things that came out of kids mouths when I was growing up. I can remember exact comments made to me from the age of around 8. I wasn’t even that fat as a kid, I was never skinny but not fat either and I lost all my ‘puppy fat’ at around 14 but I remember him and I remember some of the comments he made to me. You mate ARE A CUNT!!

11/07/14  Today we went on a trip to ‘The Pudding Room’ my plan was to go for the healthiest option. I walked and stood staring at a lovely looking chocolate tart but then I smelt it. Fresh sausage rolls. Mmm you don’t get much better than the smell of sausage rolls fresh out of the oven. I picked that knowing I’d have to work hard at my class later. Oh my god it was good! The best sausage roll I’d ever tasted I quickly texted Mr D and told him a important thing we need for the wedding is good sausage rolls! I was jealous of the ladies next to me who had gone for a sausage roll and a slice of cake but I powered through savouring every mouthful. S next to me discussing a crazy plan for the summer to hardly eat to lose weight. J then asked me how much I weighed. I never tell anyone how much I weigh! Especialy when right now I’m so bloody high! But for some reason right at this moment with this too similar ladies I told them. Turns out S weighs exactly the same as me. Strange how I’m happy to tell these 2 ladies I have only just met something I won’t even tell my mum or Mr D! Also strange how people can be the same weight but look completly different!

Decided to double whammy it and go for a swim before zumba. I got to zumba and the lady from work ( J the one that is just a older version of me!) was there. She always stands at the front right infront of the mirror and wanted me to go with her! No, no, no! I stand at the very back and absolutely never infront of the mirror! I like just hiding away doing my own little thing! But not today I stood at the front with her but to the side so at least I wasn’t infront of the mirror but I just cant be one of the perfect move, pony tail swaying sweatband bearing girls at the front! I am not used to going with people I know and J from work kept saying I can’t believe you’ve got the energy to work so hard. This spured me on more and even though by the end I was feeling a little shattered and worked hard bouncing around throughout!

No time to rest zoomed home to get showered and over to my mums for a celebratory BBQ. Mums just joined slimming world so she put on some amazing grub. Vegetable kebabs, turkey burgers, salmon and chicken! Even a homemade fruit pavaola. I was driving so didn’t even use many calories on booze. It was really lovely celebrating my step bro and his mrs about to become parents, my other step bro and his lady who have just got work for a year in New Zealand, my bro Mr B has just become acting Head Master and obviously me and Mr D getting married! So nice that their is so many good things happening for my family right now and I’m very proud of the lot of us!! Good times indeed!!

12/07/14 Saturday morning I got up bright and early with the sun shining! Sometimes I do go to a class but Saturday morning bargains like to call me instead. Mr D was at work so me and my mum went off to Willington and came back with lots of good priced plants! I worked out at least a spot of gardening will work off a few calories. The Mr came home and after a stir fry and a quick nap we headed for a swim. We tried not to play around too much and did some actual swimming. When it was time to get out there was a Buddha sitting on the steps. Mr D said we’ll just get out at the other steps. Now I didn’t like this at all! Always get out the nearesr steps to the exit so there is the least possible time for people to see me in my swim suit (espically when its wet and clingy this pushes it up way worse on the scale!) Luckily at this pool the steps are right by the ladies changing rooms but as Buddha was still sitting in my way I was going to have to wait it out! Mr D thought this was quite amusing and told me I was being silly and we’ll get out the other end and walk up. Do the walk of shame?! I wasn’t happy about this at all but with Mr D’s encouragement to beat my silly anxieties we got out the other end and I did a quick shuffle casually trying to suck in and cover up the worse areas. I survived!

That evening we packed a disposable BBQ and some of the leftover vegetable kebabs from last night and I took Mr D to black rocks. I used to go there as a kid and I knew he’d like it! I even went organised and took a backpack! Get me being all outdoorsy! I did take the wrong track and didn’t take him to the bit I actually wanted too but we did lots of walking, wore the pooch out and a really lovely evening. As it was treat night we bought some ice cream on the way home and snuggled up on the sofa for some Orange is the New Black. Not very rock and roll but a really lovely day.

13/07/14 We went to watch my step bro do a triathalon this morning hes doing one nearly every week at the moment! That boy is truely hardcore thats some impressive shit right there! Well done!! And well done to his Mrs for having to spend so much time getting up at the crack of dawn to get there on time! This afternoon was one of bessies 30^th birthday garden gathering. As a mum to a 4 month old it was never going to be a crazy one but was a nice time to get her family and friends together. The sun came out just in time and she put on a amazing spread! I didn’t even consider trying to be healthy or stick to my diet nothing crossed my mind at all. BUFFET was calling me!! And it was a bloody good buffet. Chicken goujons, pulled pork rolls, warm sausage rolls and shortbread biscuits. Washed down with a few cheeky afternoon glasses of wine. I enjoyed it very much. Decided not to try and work out the calories on my fitness pal and just sign it off as a write off.

Spent half an hour writing out a little poem for our wedding invites tonight. Covering all the things people will need to bring. It needs a few tweeks but I’m pretty pleased with it. Its not a conventional wedding bringing your willies, a cake and a cool box but hey people surely aren’t expecting our wedding to be conventional. If people don’t like it then they can sod off! Surely anyone who is friend of ours will embrace our slightly whacky ideas and go with it. Other wise your not really much of a friend are you?!

Felt emotional tonight. Its really silly but sometimes when I watch programmes on TV that include heartbreak and cheating they just make me realise how good I’ve got it right now. How lucky I am to have Mr D and for everything to be so great J

Swinging their hips and shaking their tits!

30/06/14 Mr D was a little rough today but we were happy to spend the day together. We went and got some more bark for the garden which sounds so boring but our garden is really starting to look lovely. Don’t get me wrong its a complete ball ache! I just buy things that look pretty I havnt really got a clue about whats best to grow! But gardening is pretty good exercise unfortunately my body was still aching from Insanity so the Mr had to do all the manly work lifting the bags of bark whilst I made a picnic. We went for a lovely healthy picnic I made a bulger wheat salad with bits of feta cheese steak and plenty of greens! Salads are only good if u make an effort with them. Steak is the answer!! We had a lovely afternoon we then headed to Ashbourne to look at wedding caterers. I just nodded politely as they told me very high prices. It would be lovely to go with the lovely local produce but its just too bloody expensive! Someone give me a costco card so I can buy some reels of cheese!! Tonight I cooked a seafood linguini. I bloody love cooking, prawns and trout in a low fat creme fresh sauce with a good hint of chilli. With some wholemeal spaghetti spinach, onions and peas. Must admit it was bloody good! I’m not good at many things but I like to think I’m not bad at cooking and i do love pleasing the Mr with good food!

1/07/14 I am bloody shattered!! Mr D and his bloody man flu kept me up all night!! Coughing and spluttering, tossing and turning, blowing his nose, getting up for a lemsip, getting up for a tissue, getting up for ibuprophene! But I stuck to my plan and me and Mrs B went to Kats 6.30am boot camp class! We started with a jog. I STILL BLOODY HATE JOGGING! I just can’t do it. The class was good there was only 4 of us so it felt like a personal trainer session. It was different to before I didnt feel like I was in the way or interrupting which is how I felt before. Like an outsider in their friendship group I can’t talk about babies and children and catchment areas for schools much because I don’t have any! I like the girls but I didn’t know the people they chatted about and I always felt as the fat one I was always the one behind and I just was not as hard core as them. I couldn’t go to classes every night like they did because I like spending time with Mr D too much. I guess exercising is just not as important to me as it is for some! but I liked this class. Kat knows what I’m good at now and what I struggle with and I felt confident enough to ask if I could go on the rower instead of my second jog. This also gave me chance to have a good natter with Kat and fill her in on why I disappeared for a while. I felt really good and back on track after the morning sess of squats and kettle bells. Jumps and some kind of hand stand walking up the wall thingy. I felt good and like I was back in the zone. I didn’t go back to bed like I thought I might but went to homebase and spent too much money on my new veggie patch! What do you do in your spare time? I exercise and garden! Get me, fucking old bastard!! By the time I got to work I was shattered and had to spend most of my day drinking diet coke! I feel like I’m starting to get a routine and I’m in a good place again. Unfortunately even when I’ve been orgainised bringing in healthy snacks because of the shocking food at work I ate a doughnut today! I’m not even that bothered about doughnuts it was just bloody there its sweet glaze glistening! So I ate half an hour later I ate the other half. Bloody doughnuts calling me!!

2/07/14 Today the photo went up on facebook of the end of the insanity class. I look like a massive blob on the corner next to all the fitties. I look disgusting!

Highlight of my day gem on the radio on the way home and blasting out Backstreet Boy ‘I want it thaaaaattt way’

Now this is a sign of a pretty boring day!

3/07/14 I woke up feeling thinner today and I slept a little better. Mr Ds man flu is starting to ease up so after dozing for a while this morning I got up to go BLT. The instructer was back this week and it was the beefcake, dragon tattoed, thighs of steel lady I’d seen a few times. It was a good class she worked us hard and some of it was similar to what Kat does. Lots of weights and squats and lunges but I wasn’t really feeling it today. All she kept talking about was how she was aching from last night and that she was covered in baby oil or something. She had tiny black shorts on and kept pulling them right up so we could see that she was wearing her mans boxer shorts. No thanks love. You are definately not getting us in a sweat its the bloody lack of air con! There is no air con in the council gyms so there like a sauna! I know its cheap but fucking hell with all the millions of fans going that must be costing loads for electricity! Buy some fucking air con! I didn’t givet it 100% probably about 85 but better than nothing!

 I had a lovely shift at work I am so settled it feels like I’ve been here for ages. I was in the bungalow tonight which is for a couple of independent students I’m not supposed to start in this bit until September. Your supposed to build up to it so I’m guessing I’m doing okay then! After jobs and spending sometime with other students we made crispie cakes, watched a DVD painted our nails and drank options hot chocolate! Even though I had to put up with watching the fucking awful every middle age womans fave film Mama Mia it was still a really good night at work. Im feeling good about getting back into my exercise routine but I need to be stronger on my diet. No thank you no crispie cake for me I’m eating carrot sticks! Ugh I’ll try harder tomorrow.

04/07/14 Fridays are a good day in school as we normally go out and about in the morning and then the afternoon goes really quick! Today we went off to ikea! This excited me I thought maybe I had chance to buy a few goodies on my way round with the kids but we only made it as far as the caf! The food smelt good! Not only did it smell good but it was dirt cheap! A big fry up for £2.25. My 2 favourite things- good grub and at a bargain price! Then people started coming out with meatballs! Equally cheap! Nobody went for hot food just cakes. Cheap lovely looking cakes! It was a battle. The kid I was with choose a nutty cheese cake, it looked guey and lovely. I opted for a bottomless diet coke and squeezed in 2 and a half glasses this made me happy even if it was just the cheap stuff! One thing I do miss about my old job is that when you took kids out for a drink you’d get yours paid for too. Not at this job so you either keep paying out yourself or you sit there with nothing whilst everybody else indulges! Ugh

Due to taking a pay cut and me saving hard at the moment this month I’m already skint. This is not like me! I indulged too much on garden luxuries and keep buying things for the wedding! But MrD  is a bloody gent and insisted on taking me out for dinner we went to Zizzi and I tried to make a reasonable choice and went for a chicken pasta in crème fresh with spring onions and it was lovely! We did have a side of garlic bread and went for a raspberry beer afterwards but was pretty well behaved for the weekend! No pud for me!

05/07/14 Up and out to dance fit! I knew I hadn’t booked so had to wangle my way in but I managed it. It was a busy class with some regulars. Posh Spice was there and the man out of detectives (not Jasper Carrot the other one). The instructer is about 8 months pregnant and about to pop so she couldn’t do half the moves so had to watch the arse lickers on the front row who know the moves even better than the instructers. Theres Ulrika Johnson and sweat band girl. When theres a new dance they remind of the over excited kids I work with all trying to do better than the other at dance fit! Then behind them is the line of ladies about to hit the big 50 dancing like there in a disco night club. Hooped ear rings and the lastest trashy primark top but look like there having the time of their lives swinging their hips and shaking their tits! And when she played Ricky Martin ‘She Bangs’ they were in their element! Booties swaying, blonde streaked pony tails swaying!! Got admit I quite liked it myself (the song not the Kugers saggy swaying arse cheeks) and then she even did a squatting routine to Mcfly! I bloody love Mcfly and I swear I work 10 times harder when its a track I like. Thats why I’m just not motivated to dance music. I fucking hate it!

We then went off to Mr Ds friends annual camping party! Where his school friends every year go camping in the beautiful Osmanton which each year the field changes on part of his parents amazing land. Ooo how the other half live! This time last year I’d only been with Mr D for 3 weeks and I was meeting his friends for the first time so I drank a litre of vodka and made mud angels on the floor when I could no longer walk. This year was quite different. Mr Ds friends are like him all outdoorsy, geeky country bumpkins! They all arrived with their walking back packs and ooed over Simons leatherman (?!) knife. Which means nothing to me and I was just sat there in my 50s swing skirt and converse which is about as casual as I get! The good thing is this means theve got the whole camping thing covered. The tents were up in a flash, one guy had bought a spade to clear the cow pat and the guys jumped on a truck to pick up fire wood. It was lovely we ate, drank, played with a BB gun and chilled by a fire. Not matter how much I take the piss I would love all my friends to get together in a field and go camping. None of my friends own a field. Though this set up is pretty much what our wedding will be like I’ll just be in a pretty dress, they’ll be some live music instead of somebodies I phone and some port a loos instead of peeing behind a bush!

06/07/14 We were up pretty early and had some breakfast around the campfire. Bacon was cooked in the hot embers and Mr D was in his elemant geting out his little stoves and cooking scrambled eggs and beans (the only time Mr D enjoys cooking when hes in the great outdoors with his gadgets!) Luckily we didn’t have to hang around too long. I hate wasting my Sundays, as Mr D needed a dump so we were home by about 11.

 Later on we were off to try pizza!! A few days ago I’d wrote on facebook asking if anyone knew any catering vans for a wedding and a old chum of mine piped up and said her friend was just setting up a clay pizza business. Perfect! We went over for her ‘pizza trial party’ which was just her friends really at her husbands studio. At first we couldn’t get in! We’d come all the way there and the studio door was locked. Nobody answered when we knocked! We could see over a gate behind the van but its not like these people were our friends so we couldn’t really just yell at them to open up! We gave up and were heading home when we got a phone call so off we went back there again! Mr D was mega pissed off but soon chilled out when he had a slice of fresh pizza in his mouth! They seemed a really nice couple. The pizza was good and would be perfect for our festival style wedding. She also said she’d look after us with it being her first booked wedding! OOosh perfect!!

How the fuck do you get peas wrong?

23/06/14 So I am into my third week of my new job I already feel quite settled. It was strange at first starting all over again not knowing what everyone was chatting about in the staff room wondering if it would ever be like before with the 3 Amigos  filthy jokes and discuss everything from wet farts to Minge shaving her fanny! Those were the days! So I may not be cracking out any filth yet but I’m happy to make a dick out of myself, saying my ideas and getting stuck in! The girls in my team arn’t all skinny birds and are trying different things to loose weight. One is on a crash diet of milkshake and soup on the run up to being a bridesmaid. Oh how I can relate to this! Now these are my kind of ladies!! The young people are starting to get to know me and I’m started to get to know their routines as well as getting used to my own. Mr D is getting used to me working three lates a week, I think hes secretly happy that he gets more x box time. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that!!

24/06/14 When you work a evening in residential you have to sit and eat the food provided by the kitchen and encourage the students to eat it also. The staff warned me the food was shit. THE FOOD IS FUCKING DISGUSTING!! Its inedible but the kids just eat it so we can’t really complain. I really have no idea how this guy could of got the job because its so bad. Maybe hes got one signature dish and he wowed them with it. Well I tell you now it wasn’t lasagne with a spoon full of the cheapest mincemeat and no actual cheese and it wasn’t the breaded plaice that didn’t taste of fish, meat or anything or the garlic bread which was just a dry piece of bread that hadn’t seen any kind of garlic. Even the safe other option of jacket potatoe are just hard and microwaved and the peas are a mixture of rock hard and soft. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU GET PEAS WRONG??

25/06/14 I went back to a class at the council today and realised this is where I needed to be. Walking in and seeing a variety of regular faces instantly made me feel better. Everyone all shapes and sizes and not judging anyone. Camp man was there with his eyebrows even more plucked than usual, the bouncy koreon lady thats is definaty to old to be wearing bright yellow lyrcra, the man with one leg and Posh Spice. Posh Spice is a lady with a perfectly neat bobbed hair, always wears black and never breaks a sweat. She doesn’t put any energy into any of the class and does as little movement as possible. Her make up is done perfectly and she never smiles or talks to anybody. This is exactly how I imagine Victoria Beckham exercises. The class was run by the the hippy, shake your boobs hip hop lady with her usual sweaty crotch. It was good to be back!

26/06/14 Today was the day I was getting back on it! I went downstairs this morning and my lodger had filled the kitchen with homemade chocolate brownies. One dish hadn’t worked out and was quite messy so obviously I picked at the outside crispy bits and the inside guey goodness!! I went back for more until I knew if I picked at it anymore she would realise. Even if she was going to bin it! I decided I didn’t want this to ruin my healthy start and to get straight to the gym for a morning class before work. It was hippy boob shaking lady taking the class for monotone which I was glad I’m not sure monotone would be getting me back into the exercise zone!! I was told in my first 5 minutes by 3 different people that my trousers were inside out! Okay I get it now I’m hardly going to strip them off infront of everyone and change them round! The class was pretty good lots of squatting and toning. I like to think I’m pretty hard and could look after myself if need be but my arm strength is shit! My legs are pretty strong, if I ever get mugged I’ll have to karate kick them or just poke them in the eye. Mr D has gone off to Glastonbury today and it will be the longest time weve spent apart since the beginning of our releationship! I might just miss him a little bit ;)

 Work today was pretty average playing outside, routine and bed time. Thursday night is my sleep in night. For tea tonight it was carbonara it consisted of a wishy washy cream coloured sauce that tasted of nothing with floaty bits of very faty bacon and some celery and pasta. It was vile it looked like sick I felt bad giving it to the students. It was my sleep in at work tonight but by 9.30pm I was starving so I had to go and raid the staff fridge knowing exactly what was in there. Today was the nurses last day and she’d been talking about every day for the last 3 weeks that she’d had shipped in Cornish pasties from Cornwall! That is some effort getting a pastie shipped all the way I was expecting something amazing, gold plated meaty fucking goodness! I only went and picked the wrong fucking one and ended with some broadbean veggie shit for fuck sake!

27/06/14 I didn’t sleep too bad and at least this morning I didn’t get woken up at 6am by the cleaner clonking around with her mop bucket. My boss walked in my room as I was doing my hair. Good job I wasn’t fucking naked! She did apologise at least if I was in the buff that would be enough to scare anyone off! Work was fine and went pretty quick. I’d bought some 18p reduced vegetable soup in for lunch to start getting back at track but it tasted shit so I had to dunk some white bread in it to make it edable! After work I had to go back to my old job. Even though I totally love my buddies there and with Hitler no longer there anymore but I didn’t really want to go back. I’ve already moved on and put that in the past but I went anyway as Minge had worked really hard so I got a proper goodbye speech like everybody else does and a nice big fat pressie! It was a shame Golden Balls was there because I was pleased to see everybody else I hated seeing his face smiling at me and being polite. Fuck off! You don’t like me so don’t smile at me! You don’t like me because I took Hitler down and now you cant just flash your £2,000 a tooth smile and flex your muscles to get what you want you’ll have to actually work! Golden Balls will no longer his golden balls them polished in Hitlers mouth! Just plain old wrinkly hairy one like everyone else! I got plenty of pressies so people had dug deep to bless them but it still felt a bit weird and I felt akward being there. It took me 2 and a half minutes to convince Minge that she had to drink and not drive which made me much happier!  It was a good night, good turn out of folks and only a few of my faves couldn’t make it. Plenty of booze was consumed and we headed to the dodgy end of town for some karaoke to find there was no karaoke on!! Very disappointed but before we realised it was 1.30am and I found myself running down the street to make it to The Bless before closing time!  My mate Mr G who now lives in Dubai came to join us which was fantastic! Great to see him!A few beverages and a bit of boogieing later I was wobberling into Mcdonalds, getting back in my taxi and sharing a chocolate milkshake with the pooch.

28/06/14 I’m really missing Mr D now. When your hungover you always need the love of your other half that little bit more. Someone to give u a bit of sympathy and to make you a pint of orange squash! I wasn’t thinking such nice thoughts of him when his alarm clock went off at 7.05am and then I couldn’t go back to sleep! I got up and went in search for a nice piece of flapjack. I love it when your hungover and you know exactly what you want to eat. The thought of anything greasy made me want to throw up but I really wanted some oaty goodness. All I drove past were endless co-ops and sainsburys express! No I don’t want a shity coardboardy over priced flapjack I want a nice little deli or little caf that did a nice bigfat slab of flapjack! In the end I had no choice to make do with average over priced flapjack. With the bit of energy I still had prob because I was still drunk I bought some flowers and did a spot of gardening. I planned to do more so it would be a nice suprise for wen Mr D got home but all work stopped when the postman came! I felt like I knew what it was when I picked up the envelope. Twats solicitor. The letter I’d spent a year waiting for. He’d agreed to the payment of £2,000 to take him off the mortgage. My house was going to be my house again. Finally I can end that whole fucking shity chapter of my life fully for good and be free to sell my house whenever I choose!! After making a few phone calls in true rock and roll style I went to celebrate. I took my grandparents out for lunch! I was in need of the carbs and knew a average shop bought sarnie wasn’t going to cut it. Kill 2 birds with one stone and keep the wrinklies happy! A made a good choice (when I say good I mean tasty not healthy) of a brie and bacon panni. You really can’t beat a good sandwhich. Shame they forget the red current jelly but I was feeling way to rough to bother asking staff for it. Unfortunately the coleslaw was shit! I fucking hate cheap shity coleslaw! I love a good bargain but coleslaw is one thing not to go cheap on!! Get back in that kictchen and get the chef grating up some onion, carrot and cabbage! Its not that bloody hard! After that even though the oldies were hinting at a trip to the garden centre I just couldn’t face any more people time and hit the sack! At 5.45 I thought it was time I better get out of my unmade bed and sort myself out. My room was still full of dresses on the floor and mcdoanald wrappers. No covers on the bed so I get my arse in gear and then headed off to my bessies hubbys 30^th BBQ. I aint guna lie I was more looking forward to what bargains I could at reduced time on the way than the actual BBQ. Not that theres anything wrong with my Bessie or her husband I actually really like spending time with them. My Bessie thinks I’m rude and don’t like talking to new people. Alot of her friends just arn’t the kind of people I hang around with they are outdoorsy types that talk about canoeing and ponds their all nice but their just not the type to spend their spare time talking utter bollocks and filth like my friends! The thought of going on my own and not drinking sucked at least if you get trashed you don’t care so much. I was pleasantly surprised that there was a few of her chums I like and had a good natter about losing weight and weddings. Which are pretty much my fave subjects lol! I could of happily sat and nattered longer but I started feeling like utter shit so left. I didn’t even get a hotdog so had to make do with stuffing my face with a few stuffed potatoe skins when exiting the building! No more excuses tomorrow I am getting on it!!

29/06/14 Oooshh up and to Insanity! First time I’ve gone back to one of Kats classes but it was at a big venue and I took Mrs B with me so was feeling okay about it. I’ve heard how hard Insanity is so I was a bit worried it would be just too hard for a fat bird. I had visions of me just passed out my fave in my own puke whilst the fitties just danced next to me. The first thing Kat said was nobody has been sick in a class yet but just go out the door if you need the fresh air. Bollocks I thought I was going to be the bloody first then!! I knew a few girls there the usual regulars. One of the personal trainer girls said ‘I didn’t expect to see you here’ I wasn’t really sure how to take that. Don’t think I can handle it?! Well I could!  I was pleasantly surprised that I wasn’t too bad at all. It was hard and I did feel sick at times but I also did pretty good at times. I struggled with some of the fancy press ups where you have to stick a arm up there and a leg out there balance on your bloody little finger. There were other bits that I powered through even on the odd occasion (okay only one) I did the high level when a lot of the fitties had gone down to low level by that point!! Get me, the fit fat bird!! Oooooshh!

I then went off for a roast with my friends to a pub that was a little bit of a trek but I’d heard it did a amazing carvery. After my morning of work my ass and apparently burning 2,000 calories I had very good intentions that I was just going to go for turkey and vegetables and then I saw it... all different beautiful roast meats, giant home made Yorkshire puddings, crispy slow cooked roast potatoes with rosemary mmmm!! I went for beef and one of the beautiful Yorkshires but I tried to pick the smallest and I still filled up on my veggies so not quite as good as I intended but not too bad! Mr D was hungover damp, muddy, ill and missing home so he decided to come home early! Even though I was more than happy to have my Mr D back early I wanted to make sure he made the right choice and not waste his money coming back early but it was what he wanted. It was great to have it back even full of man flu. Bloody love this man!!