ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!!!

Sunday 9^th March

There was a grand breakfast this morning but to be honest I was still pretty full from last nights late night feast. I grazed a bit but didn’t go crazy. Luckily as I entered the breakfast room there was nobody in there so I filled my bag with mini bags of museli and yogurts. Normally buffets have those little mini cheeses which are perfect to pop in the handbag but they didn’t have any of those. Its not like its stealing because if I was on full breakfast eating form I could polish off quite alot. We then went for a swim. I say a swim but we did 2 lengths before getting distracted by the outside whirl pool again. Like children we played in there all morning. As well as going for a quick steam room followed by the snow room which is literally a room full of snow. We had a quick snow ball fight in just our swim wear and then back to the whirl pool. A couple got in to the pool, a young girl in a bikini a size 16/18. I didn’t think she had a bad figure. She had extra bits but she didn’t look gross. She had a sizeable arse. I did ask Mr D ‘is my arse as big as that?’ He said no. We had a bit of a discussion if I was bigger than her. He said she was a lot bigger than me but she really wasn’t. Is that just Mr D in his rose tinted glasses? I’m not sure. I am lucky that I am even fat. I’m well spread. Theres people I see that arn’t even that big but have huge cankles where fat even pours over their socks. Or just huge thighs and arse. I’m just nicely fat all over. My arms are pretty big which can be annoying when buying coats but my legs arn’t too bad at all. I have pretty good legs for a a fat bird.

We went back to Chester and spent the day strolling round the shops in the sunshine. Had some nice pub grub. A steak sandwhich with homemade coleslaw. Coleslaw can be so good when made well. Then it was time to go home. Feeling happy but exhausted we headed for home ready for birthday celebrations!!!

Monday March 10^th

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wide awake at 5.50am Mr D told me I had to go back to sleep until 6.45. Well obviously I couldn’t get back to sleep. I wondered around a bit, had a full conversation with my brother then I woke him up! I’d had my weekend away which was a incredibly expensive weekend bought for me from the Mr. I opened my cards and some smellies and then opened my special present from Mr D. He and my brother made me a CD of those 2 playing and singing my favourite songs. It was one o the most thoughtful presents I’v ever had. Homemade gifts are always my favourite. The thought effort and time Mr D and Mr B put into is just amazing. I could not wish for a better boyfriend than Mr D. Nothing from the past even comes close.

I got to work to be presented with goodies and homemade cake. Minge had made it look lovely for me and spent time making me a chocolate cake. We were then both told that we were both off site. I was off to Leicester as usual. We had to rush off leaving all the lovely goodies. On my usual journey to Beaumont Leys I sneezed and missed the exit. That is genuine. Some of the things that happen to me I couldn’t even make up. So I sneezed and missed my exit and I then spent the next 45 mins driving round in circles and adding 60 miles to my journey not a great start to the day. I was half an hour late picking up a student, the plus side was I was in the work car so at least I’d not wasted my own petrol. After a few hours I headed back to school to find out that the squidgy fresh cookies I’d hid in the fridge for just me and my favourites at work had been eaten. Staff had given them out to students. BASTARDS. Can’t stash anything at school. Greedy gits. I popped to see my Nan and Granddad who live round the corner took them some of Minges cake.  I tried to squeeze as much of my fave things in one day as possible. On the way home I popped in to see my beautiful neice and then went to meet one of my best friend Miss O’s new little baby. What a fabulous treat meeting her it was too. It was only 18 months ago I’d set up Mr C and Miss O and now hear they are with a tiny little bundle of their own. Next stop home to get showered and ready and see Mr D. Me and the family went to Cherry tree. After opening lots of pressies and eating some grub it was time for the cake counter!! There was so much choice but nothing really screamed out. There was a mars cake and a twix cake, now if there was a snickers one that would have won hands down!!  I opted for a lemon cake which was petty damn good. 3 glasses of wine later and my birthday was all over.

I am no longer a fat bird turning 30. I am a 30 year old fat bird.

Tuesday 11^th March

The plan was to get straight on the health kick. 5 days until the party and I still have a skirt I need to fit in to!! Today went well. Made myself a huge healthy omelette for lunch and felt on it. No snacking. Organised. Went home and did some gardening. Spring time seems to have hit and when the suns out it makes you so much more positive but something always gets in the way. The fucking lawn mower blew up. A piece flew off and it began making a loud noise and shaking but I carried on mowing the lawn all the same. This went on for 5 more minutes before it made a big boom noise and started smoking. BOLLOCKS. I was so close to finishing too now there just a large long patch.

Disappointed that a few of my buddies that were travelling to be at my party can’t make it. The Deal was supposed to fly from Dubai but was too sick to fly. Its a real shame he knows how to party!!

Wednesday 12^th March

Starting off supporting a PE lesson which was just a nice jolly to the park where we completed our Sports Relief mile. Then I had to go off to Leicester again. This is starting to get on my tits now. I hate driving and I’m in Leicester nearly every day at the moment.  Fucking Leicester. I met my new student and it went really well. Took her to Mcdonalds and I was good and had a diet coke whilst I watched the others eat things I can’t have. Mcflurrys and warm chicken and chilli wraps mmm smelt so good. Its hard watching thin people stuff there face. People say its simple to lose weight. Eat less, exercise more but what about the people that don’t do either? That remain thin and stuff their faces with whatever they want. How does that make sense??

Went to the circus tonight. Mr D got some free tickets. We had a small box of popcorn between so we didn’t go too crazy. The circus was shite. The opening act was a man playing with a glittery tennis racket. It was like being on holiday at 2*all inclusive resort in Turkey. Piss poor and just weird. Left at half time.

Thursday 13

Oh what a fucking suprise off to Leicester again!! They might as well pay for a travel lodge for me because this is getting ridiculous!! All I want to do is chat to my buddies about our outfits and song choices but I’m never bloody there. Breaks are rare in this place. I was hoping for a little make up trip with Minge for party make up but not even had chance to see her let alone a make up trip!! It can be a long day when your teaching/ entertaining one student all day. I got back to school at the end of the day happy to finally see my chums. Whilst filling out endless paperwork we were finally having a natter about songs to request for the party. My boss had promised I would not be in Leicester the following day. 15 minutes before finishing time management told me I’d be showing a student who I rarely work with round 2 different colleges in Leicester tomorrow. I don’t think so!! Not to be big headed but the problem with being good at your job is that people put on you all the time. Well not this time! I would like to see my own students at some point!! Not happy. Had a word with the boss not sure it did much good.

Was hoping to make the triple challenge class but had to go to mums to get my outfit after the final touches! Pissed off but trying to stay focussed that its only 2 days until my birthday party!! FUCK U LEICETER!!

Friday 14^th March

Its party eve!!! ITS PARTY FUCKING EVE!! Nothings going to fucking piss me off today!! I got up and the dog had done a massive shit in the kitchen. I opened a bag of lentils and managed to spill them all over the floor. I hovered them up and managed to hoover over my big toe ripping half my nail off. FUCKING STUPID DAY. Took me off the Leicester gig at work but obviously somebody was not happy about this and made a passing comment that on Friday I’d sat and done my playlist for 2 hours. Which is interesting as I only got chance to sit down for 45 minutes and only one of the mangers came down for approx 3 minutes. This may seem like a small thing but in a place like ours when your constently working in a stressful environment putting yourself in danger, working your arse off staff well being is fucking important!! I got angry then upset. In general 2 or 3 people will get upset in our place once a week when it all gets to much. Once I left off some steam and had a big Cock cuddle (whos always on hand when your upset) I was back on track again. ITS NEARLY FUCKING PARTY TIME!!

First I had to do my PT session. Armed with my new arm i pod holder and a playlist I’d put together which I thought would help with my jog. I arrived for Kat to tell me she’d read my blog and there was no way she was sending me jogging now. RESULT!! But for some reason I had mixed emotions on this. It feels weird Kat reading this. I went on the treadmill instead and stuck to my well thought out upbeat tracks but it was hard to hear over some awful banging dance music but I powered through. Killing in the name was my fave jogging track. The rest of the session I thrusted hard, planked and squatted. Really hoping that tomorrow I wouldn’t suffer all the aches and pains I got after every PT session.

Spent the rest of the evening food shopping. Going from supermarket to Supermarket trying to get some good bargains for the party. I didn’t do bad. Early night ready for the big day boooooooom its here!!

Saturday 15^th March

The early night did me good I was up and ready to get my buffet on! Mr D went off to work I cranked my juke box up and got the sauasage rolls on. It wasn’t later until I realised I’d been blaring my music out since 8.30am oops. After 4 hours I was done. 7 pizzas, sausage rolls, chicken bites and surprisingly only a few had passed my lips. I nipped to the shop to get some extra dips and a bottle of Amerreto . You can’t get ready for a big night out without a few cheeky ones. I get to the self scan and the red headed Mohicaned man watched me put through all my items before asking me for ID. I had no ID I told him I was 30 so he asked the assistant next to him who was no older than 20 she said she wouldn’t serve me either. She had braces and teenage spots who was she to tell me I can't have my amerreto??!! and don't even get me started and mohican man! On a average day it would be nice to be told I look younger than 18 but not on a day that I have no ID and want to buy FUCKING ALCOHOL!! I’m fucking 30 for fucks sake I could get served at 14 and now I can’t get served at 30! I got home to find my new driving licence on the doorstep.FUCKING TYPICAL.

After spending more time than planned setting up the room ready for the party mainly because a lady of approx 113 years old was trying to clean up the room from the night before. Saying this was being done at a snails pace is a understatement, my mum kept offering to help her as she was worried she may keel over just picking up the dustpan and brush. Once the bunting and pretty paperchains were up, polka dot table cloths filled the tables with stripped pots with nuts, sweets and chocolates. Full spread was in the corner my mum had worked hard preparing a feast of filled cobs and my cousin had made me a amazing mermaid birthday cake as well as monster pop cakes and moustache cookies. The M theme in full force everywhere!! Now just time to get pampered. I was tempted to go and weigh myself beens my whole big plan for the year was to loose weight for this party. In the end I decided not to as well as Kat telling me its about inches I didn’t want to be disappointed today. The big thing was I fitted in my skirt. The skirt I’d ordered at the start of the year that didn’t fit now fitted nicely. This was my big aim and I should be proud of myself for that.

After a long bubble bath, grooming and nails painted. I gave myself a shimmery face with silver and blue detail. Wig on and my amazing tail skirt that my mum made. Blue underbust corset and beautifully decorated shell top I was ready to party. Me and the Mr took a few pics. He was looking good as Mad Max. We took a close up selfie where I don’t even look like me, my face looked really thin! Best photo ever thats defiantly going in a frame and my profile pic and every else I can put it! Whoop get my thin face!! Unfortunately the follow up photos were not so good. I just looked so wide. The top bit was okay the corset sucked things in nicely but the bottom half just looked massive. I tried not to dwell on it and even without a drink in my head I was ready to go out! Sitting down is a problem in a underbust corset luckily it was only a short drive to the pub in the taxi my face was litteraly in my boobs. I opend the door to a large posed school picture of me at 15 with a large penis drawn on my head. My bro had filled the room with photos of me. Old and new. Good ones, random ones and just bloody dodgy ones. Some doodles on my head and amusing comments. I was told there were even ones on the back of toilet doors with relevant phrases to go with them. I’m sure people really wanted to see my face as they were taking a drunken dump.The effort people had gone to with their costumes was just amazing! The most talked about outfit of the night was Mr Ds best mate that had come as a map! So simple but brilliant. My step brothers girlfriend came as Marge Simpson this has to be my favourite complete with homemade hair out of cardboard, cotten buds and a bit of blue paint! The variety of costumes beginning with M was just fantastic. Mr Ds family all turned up and met my family for the first time. It went well. A friend of mine took photos for me. Everybody drank, ate and had a good time. I was pleased with my performance I didn’t peak too early and only got drunk in the last few hours. This is really good for me. I didn’t really have much time for buffet just had a slice of pizza between glasses of wine. Karaoke got into full flow. Even though the Bessie decided not to drink so no crazy antics she sang my fave song ‘ Fields of Gold’ she sings it so beautifully. Luckily Minge was there to dance the night away with me and we really did go for it. The cool kids arrived late a grand arrival from a good old buddy Mr G. Perfect timing for tequilas! One of my last memories of the evening was making the barmaid pour my nan a massive baileys on ice! The night finished around 2am where a very drunken Mr D decided in the taxi home he wanted to stop for a McDonalds’. I couldn’t really be bothered but asked for a chocolate milkshake. We got home shoes in hand, surprisingly wig still on. Mr D had bought a banquet but no chocolate milkshake this did not go down well under the influence. I headed off to bed with Mr D following shortly after.

Thats it birthday over!

My head was touching her lady garden!!!

Sunday 2^nd March

Finally a free Sunday morning that we can carboot! Up fresh and early with a car full of crap and cashnut butter bagels and also 2 crossiants. I know I know! I fell into the trap of buying what was cheap and cheap time. 2 fresh crossiants for 10p how can I walk away from that? I usually buy these goodies and give them away. Come into work armed with doughnuts and fresh bread even though I can’t eat it. Its cheap too not to buy I want rather just treat my fellow collegues.

The rest of the day was spent doing general Sunday things. Pottering around before a relaxing evening and of course my bubble bath. I hate looking at myself in the bath. When everything is naked and scrunched up. Theres no where to hide anything. My tyres are just sitting there infront of me looking fat and round and horrible. Its like when you stretch out and everything flattens out a bit so you don’t feel quite as bad about yourself. Not in the bath everything is there. No hiding. For this reason baths are alone time unless it is full of bubbles! Bubbles cover up a multitude of sins.

Monday 3^rd March

Fell of the wagon! I grazed today for no reason at all. I wasn’t in a bad mood or a good  one just a  don’t give a shit mood. I just did it. I grazed some toast this morning then grazed some sandwhichs in the kitchen then grazed some butterscotch whip in the cooking room. Whats wrong with me?! I want to get thin and fit and this week more than ever I should be being super good!! Why can’t I do it?! I’m so disappointed in myself I want to cry. Its so hard to explain if you havn’t been in this situation yourself. One minute I can be totally positive and work really hard in a class and the next minute I’m grazing. I don’t want to do this anymore. So I went to the boob shaking hippy hip hop zumba class to make me feel better about the grazing and try and burn off a few of the carby sugary naughtiness that entered my lips today. Bastard super tasty butterscotch whip. No other whip comes close.

Tuesday 4^th

I do like to complain. I wrote a few emails after our visit to London. Firstly to the hotel about the barman and mushroom scenario which we were quickly given a free night with breakfast for our misfortune. Whilst on a role I complained to the ticket company who sold us the theatre tickets with the wrong seats who gave us a full refund boooooommmm!!!

Also starting to get mega excited for my birthday. Finding it hard to stay in healthy eating mode as I’m just not thinking about it. Theres a nice buzz at work everybody talking about my party and what they’re going to wear. I’m not focussed and I don’t know how to get back in focussed mode? I look at people photos all all the weight loss groups on facebook. How people let it all out and take photos of themselves. Stood in the mirror in ugly pants their bellies hanging over the top. I just couldn’t do it. I pride myself on looking good. Dressing the best I can for my size. I don’t even like looking at my own body in the mirror theres no way I would show the world. I won’t even take a picture of it on my phone on the off chance somebody would see it. I envy girls that have the bollocks to do it to let it all hang out to keep them focussed. Show the world and be proud of how well there doing. I’m not proud.

Wedneday 5^th

I had toast for breakfast at work this morning. I’m not sure why after not eating for so long its started creeping up on me again? Afterwards my chest hurt like all the naughty butteryness was clogging up my archeries. It really did. Fucking toast. I hate toast I’m not eating it again.

Went for a swim tonight. I enjoyed it Ive not been swimming nearly as much as I should be lately. I need to get back in routine. The pressure was on. People were swimming fast tonight so I had to keep up. Don’t want to be the fat slow one that people have to over take. Nothing worse when your trying to enjoy your swim and you know you have somebody constently up your arse. Fucking tailgaters!

Went out for a beverage for my bessies birthday! I stuck to diet coke as everyone was indulging in wine and beer. Had a lovely evening even took my mum along. Shame it was a week night would have been nice to celebrate properly!! We must be getting old!

Thursday 6^th

Went to triple challenge tonight not Big Mammas one a new one. The instructer tonight was like Skeletor. Her bones were all sticking out her chest. I always think its a little worrying when you see very thin people doing so much exercise. Theres a few ladies that you see at classes that work incredibly hard but are incredibly thin. I feel like asking them if they are eating well. And telling them maybe they shouldn’t work quite as hard. Have a break, have a kitkat!!

Anyway this lady was the most boring instructer I’ve ever seen. Her voice was monotone she could of sent me to sleep if I wasn’t so busy trying to keep up with the steps. I couldn’t concentrate on what she was saying I couldn’t take it in. She was sooooooo fucking boring!! Can you fall asleep whilst turning on a step board?

Friday 7^th

Today I cancelled my personal trainer session. I had good reason. Myself and Mr D decided to make my birthday night away a weekend away! After our nice little refund and just like that we went off to Chester! I was mega excited but Mr D had a awful day at work and was rather grumpy and one wrong turn on the way to Chester added 30 minutes to the journey!I decided to start swigging the amerreto to get myself back in the party mood.  We managed to make it before they stopped serving food at 8.45pm. We stayed at a beautiful old Inn with some fantasic home cooked food. Currently in full birthday mode and it being treat night I opted for fish and chips and they were damn bloody good fish and chips! Thick cut home made chips and the most amazing home made tartar sauce. Its making me hungry just writing this. Mmmm so good! No matter if I ever manage to loose the weight I am always going to love good pub grub! As we were getting ready in our room I heard a ghost walk going on outside. I popped my head out the window to hear a guide explaining about the many ghost that haunted the inn we were staying in. He spotted me watching and said we were okay as we weren’t in room 6! Phew that was alright then??!! We found a cool little pub with some great live music and spent the evening slowly getting merry! Happily chucking the majority of my diet coke down the sink and filling it full of ameretto out of my hand bag! Full of sugery goodness I know, like bakewell tart in a glass but I'm allowed its my birthday!

Saturday 8^th

Started the day with a fry up. Luckily it wasn’t that greasy and it wasn’t that over the top. No naughty goodness like black pudding and fried bread just your basic which was a little disappointing after last nights beautiful food. Then off we went to my suprise venue. I was very excited about this. I do get over the top excited like a child. I am not the kind of girl that hides her emotions. You can read me like a book. Happy, sad, angry thats it and its probably best only to be around me if I’m happy most people would choose to avoid me other wise.

 Anyway we pulled up at a very fancy hotel and was whisked off straight for treatments. Firstly we had a rasul which was just me and Mr D smothering each other in mud then sitting it in the steam room to let it absorb. Only a man would pick such a treatment! But it was fabulous, we then enjoyed a full body massage. You’d think with me being funny about people touching me and my body in general I would not be a fan of a full body massage but I am! I usually get so relaxed I regularly drift off and let out a little snore. I struggled to relax. The usual questions were going through my head. Am I going to be too heavy for the table? As they often seem just like a thin board! Should she get paid extra for massaging someone double the size? It would take twice as long to get round the whole of my back. I hate my back. I wonder what the largest person she’d massaged? My arms were by my side and every time she leant over me my hand was very close to her lady area. Did she not know she was doing this? Could she feel it? Did she secretly want it? Was Mr D enjoying his? Was he touching a ladies bits? Was it exciting him? What if it made him obviously excited? So many questions as she moved round to do my shoulders my head was touching her lady garden!! Bloody hell, whats wrong with her? Can she not feel it!! Its not in many people job roles that they let/give no choice in people touching their lady gardens!! And then I needed to fart. I spent the last 20 minutes as she massaged my legs and getting pretty close to my backside just trying to squeeze a fart in. What if I’d started snoozing, I would have let off in her face!!

We then spent time in the steam room and the snow room followed by the outdoor hot tub and whirl pool. We stayed in the whirl pool until we were all shrivelled and looked like we were about 86. We checked in and had a nice little snooze in the bed that was wider than it was long. I could roll over 6 times before I got near to the edge. It felt so nice being relaxed and away from the stresses. We then went for the poshest meal Ive eaten which can only be good for the diet. I selected pigeon for starter but it tasted like liver and because M D is a lovely amazing boyfriend he swapped with me and I had scallop. For main I had veal. A very small slice of veal on a smaller potatoe and a even smaller well piled vegetables. It tasted amazing it had some beautiful droplets of gravy style sauce round the edge. Mm could have done with some more of that. By the door there was a beautiful cheese trolly that had the best quality and huge variety of cheese but at £21 each we decided to take a stroll to the local village pub. Not even cheese is worth that!! Just us and one other couple in there we happily sat and got very merry on larger and blackcurrent and made plans for our future. Only one thing follows a night of drinking, a midnight feast! After a acorn fight from the balcony and Mr D banging his head on the ceiling when jumping on the bed we called room service. I’ve never had room service before. Fresh thick cook chips and some pretty average melted chocolate ice cream to finish. What a fabulous day.

Does my arse look as big as hers?

Sunday 23^rd February

We sat down for breakfast 40 minutes before the end and there was nothing left. All thoughts of making good choices were out the window as I was pissed off! Why advertise it until 10.30 when there’s nothing left at 09.50. BASTARDS. No eggs, mushrooms or tomatoes. Cold sausage butty it is then and then it was those horrible herby sausages. Why stuff so many herbs in a sausage so you can’t even taste the sausage. Herby sausage bastards! Decided to grab some hazelnuts to snack on later. Unfortunately they didn’t last that long as I decided to throw them at Mr.Ds head down the corridor. This then lead to a 30 minute try and get the hazelnut in the others ear/nostril/ belly button so no hazelnuts were actually consumed but I must of burned a few calories off wrestling and giggling so much! Then Mr D had come up with a great idea. Off to the seaside. It was cold and windy but we had a fabulous time just trying to walk down the peer without getting swept out to sea. This has got to be a good point about being heavy. I have less chance of being swept out to sea! FACT!

I forgot to mention at last night theatre trip they got our seats wrong. Now this was pretty annoying but what was most annoying is would I get the ice cream I ordered for the interval? Would it go to my original seats??! Luckily I made sure that my £4.50 very small (was called a large) ice cream I had to share with the Mr did arrive at my new seat. Phew!!

Monday 24^th February

Today I decided to start a detox. 2 weeks until my birthday just to eat porridge, salad then a healthy dinner. Cut down on snacks, cut down on crisps. I love crisps.

I managed to get in on a PE lesson in the gym this afternoon. Though I’m not a fan of the gym. I find it boring and like to move equipment every 2 minutes. I worked a lot on the rower and the cross trainer. Trying to work hard where possible and burn some calories so I don’t have to go to a class after work. When the students nipped out to the loo, I sprinted for 1 minute as fast as I could take it. Unfortunately the sound of my heavy weight pounding fast on the treadmill was pretty loud. I would like to have done this another few times but there was no way I was going to do that in front of the students. That’s social suicide! I’d never live it down!!

Stuck to the plan today. Ate no snacks and just 3 healthy meals shaaaa booooom.

What do me and Mr D get up to in the bedroom? Well tonight we had a full lengthy discussion on crisps. We discussed flavours, brands, textures. What we liked, what we didn’t like.  Myself a

I like a good salty crisp. A good quality ready salted crisp can do it bang on! There was once walkers cheese and chive flavour, now they were good. Whatever happened to them? Mr D likes a good cheesey crisp like a wotsit. There a few I don't like smoky bacon, chicken and frazzles. I'd be having to feel pretty desperate to eat a bag of these but anything else is good. You have to throw in a wild card every now and then and go for a nik nak or scampi fries.

Tuesday 25^th February

I am just feeling good today. I’m happy. Work isn’t too bad. My birthdays coming and I’m starting to get really excited! I’ve just found out a few of my good friends are travelling from all over the places to make it to my party. Unfortunately there are downsides to this happiness it means I let things slip. Because I feel happy I happily ate some milkado again!! What is it with these little chocolatey sticks of goodness?! Just because there only 11 calories a stick doesn’t mean I can casually eat a whole box of an afternoon. Day 2 and I’ve already slipped up my no snacking.

I aimed to go for a swim after work until I collected some boxes from the kitchen. This quickly gave me a excuse to ant to go straight home and sort out things to sell on the carboot sale at the weekend. So rather than exercise I went home to rummage around in the shed.

Tonight I started watching the second series of ‘My fat Diary’ I love it!! Its like a teenage version of mine ! I would love for one day my blog to be put into a TV series I can just imagine the scenes of some of the classes I describe. Mr D thinks it makes me over think things more. I ask questions like ‘Does my arse look as big as hers?’

Wednesday 26^th February

Feeling crap about not being able to stick to even a few days of detox I wrote on a few of the support groups on the internet for a bit of support. My personal trainers answer ‘work hard or go home’ Well I am at home. I guess this is something I just have to do myself. Want myself. Only I can make these changes. Sometimes life just seems to get in the way! I guess it all it just about how much do I want this.

We found another holiday today this time it was a multi centre safari. Safari is what I really had my heart set on. It was within budget and looked amazing... until I got home and did my research. Two of the hotels were amazing just what we wanted but the hotel where we were staying for 6 days wasn’t quite right. It was city based so no pool and not close enough to the beach. BOLLOCKS really thought this was the right one. Instant bad mood but this evening I’d booked a groupon meal at The Boot Inn. A cool little pub with open fire, I tried to get out of the bad mood and enjoy a nice meal out with Mr D. I was hoping that there would be a good hearty healthy meal on the menu I could eat. The booking was at 7.45 so on arrival I was already hungry which is not always the best when faced with healthy or unhealthy options. As if the place had fucking shut down!! Cheeky bastards had took my booking 2 weeks ago probably knowing it was shut down. CUNTS.

The Mr knowing the best way to get me in a good mood offered me a bargain. Wednesdays 2 for 1 at pizza express. A good bargain is a way to make me happy. Not the best choice but a good choice for the wallet. Pizza express must be one of the healthiest pizzas. Good fresh ingredients. No stuffed crusts or thick doughy bases. No layers of cheese and oils. Just a light healthier version. Can’t be that bad can it?!

Thursday 27^th February

Started the day feeling good as my trousers felt really big. I know when I put these trousers on they tend to be a little big anyway but they felt really big today. This made me feel good and positive about being on the right path today. When I got to work Mr M a quiet calm kind of man that i don’t have a lot to do with said I was looking well and made a gesture with his hands so I knew he meant slimmer. This was good coming from him as he’s not the kind of man that would say something if he didn’t believe it.

I had to go off site at last minute today so my lunch was left in the fridge. Bad move. I popped into b and m to try and find something to eat. I ended up just standing in the middle of the cookie and crisp isle. I just wanted to buy all the bad stuff I wanted to stuff my face full of hobnob biscuits that were only 59p! How can you compete with that? Chocolate flapjacks for 19p, packs of salted nuts 10p!! Tell me somewhere I can go and buy something healthy for that price? I left with my pack of diet coke and a box of mini packs of chocolate buttons intending to eat one. I went to the sandwich shop ordered a wholemeal tuna salad cob and it came out the size of a submarine! But how can you eat a sandwich without crisps? Which was later followed by 2 mini bags of chocolate buttons. I gave the rest away I thought it was the best option.

Crap another unsuccessful day of healthy eating at work. My levels of not caring and then feeling guilty are all over the place. I did get home to a healthy casserole. I do cook a good healthy meal every evening full of vegetables and lean meat. Its just the day time snacking I need to get on top of. The Mr was out this evening something to do with my birthday present. I hate surprises I’ve got a few ideas what it might be. Hes put a lot of time and thought into bless him. He’s a good one. An evening to myself a nice luxury bubble bath with the bath bombs my cousin made for me as she read my blog and know bubble baths help not to snack! What a lovely thought! Thanku Miss D!!

Friday 28^th February

It was a long day at work today. Had to go out to Notts then spend some time whilst getting kicked on numerous occasions trying to calm a student down. Days like today can be so draining you already feel like you’ve run a mile then you have to go home you have to make yourself do exercise and today is Friday so this meant personal trainer time!! I really did not want to go I was worn out and just wanted a nice night in but I went and she worked me hard! Tonight we did a lot of kettle bells which I actually quite enjoyed and want to get some for home. Then she made us jog. I FUCKING HATE JOGGING!! I don’t know why because its not like its  that hard to do. I can do hard work out classes none stop for an hour but I can’t do a 10 minute jog. What’s wrong with me?? I just hate it and when I’m doing it all I can think of is how much I hate it and don’t want to do it!! I’m out of my breath I want to walk. I’m loads behind the other 2 girls which should embarrass me enough to make some more effort but I just cant. I FUCKING HATE IT!!

We only had half treat night tonight with last weekend being so treat filled we opted for a tandoori mixed grill. Plenty of chicken and salad and just a bit of nan bread and I finally got my night settled on the sofa. I felt pretty bloody proud of myself for still doing it tonight!! Boooooom go me!! And get this tonight when I got home I ordered myself a arm band so I can put my I phone in when I have to jog. All I need now is some good jogging tunes to make me forget I’m jogging and jog hard to the music!! Please feel free to let me know your personal jogging music choices.

Saturday 1^st March

Mr D was at work so my plan was to get up and go to a class but as usual something got in the way. THE SUNSHINE! Been a while since we’ve had a nice bit of sunshine so I called up my mum and we went off to Willington and bought lots of cheap nice flowers then went back to mine and I planted them. Gardening has to be a good bit of exercise! I then had a full busy day with my mum visiting my brother new house and going out for lunch. We went to harvester as I love the salad bar. I was very good going for chicken and jacket potatoe but I left the whole jacket and just had it with salad! Whoo get me didn’t even sneek a bit of the crispy skin! Mr D came home and we started doing a spot more gardening. Sweeping, picking up leaves etc until quite late now this has got to be good on the bingo wings! And the fact I’d been on my feet none stop all day! Who needs the gym anyway??!!

Tasted like horse shit

Sunday 16^th February

This morning I decided not to be lazy and dragged the Mr out of bed to have a nosey round the carboot. I do love a good bargain!! Unfortunately not much about as it is still February and pretty bloody chilly.

The Mr has had a look at the blog and told me how bad my spellings and grammar are and also how I accidently mis spelt his name last week. I can’t even get one letter write oops. Well yes I could go over it all and check it with a fine tooth comb but I like to think it’s just part of its rustic charm.

We went over to the D’s for a roast dinner. I forgot to remind them about not eating potatoes and Yorkshire pud. So when its plated up and put in front of me my will power failed and I enjoyed a good roast dinner with all the trimmings. I feel my will power slowly draining and not sure how to find it again. I’ve not weighed now in ages. The personal  trainer told me not too because its all about the inches so unfortunately I can not currently inform you of my progress. Maybe I should weigh in soon? Just a sneaky peek there must be some change!?

Monday 17^th February

 Half term started today. Which in a stressful job like ours is a nice little breather and also a chance to spend time with my team J Unfortunately my team are not always the healthiest of folks and I arrived to a multi pack of biscuits. Luckily Cock was being cheap and bought a cheapo pack so I wasn’t tempted by bourbons and nice nasties. Now if it was a chocolate hobnobs that would be a different story! Feeling strong. The boss then bought in some homemade biscuits which I didn’t even look until around 10am when I started grazing and one of her biscuits was consumed.

Disapointed with myself!!

Though the plus point of half term and having owed time is i can go to a gym class on my lunch break! Fabulous!

Today I went to Zumba. Now zumba comes in all different shapes and forms. This class is what I like to call Naughty Hippy Hip-Hop Zumba. I like it and I like the lady. She once took over Kats Tuesday night class and people were walking out. It was poor, people were rude. I saw her a week later when I was pissed as a fart in the ladies loo’s! All I can recollect was slurring and a drunken hug and telling her how great her classes were.

Anyway the class was good. Its a shake your boobs alot wiggle your bum kind of class with a few jumps and thrusts. How many calories do you burn when your shaking your tits from side to side every few minutes?

Tuesday 18^th February

Today I was angry!!!  Me and Mr D have been saving to go away somewhere fabulous and last night we found the most amazing holiday to Hong Kong. We researched it and it would have been amazing! Nearly 3 weeks of travelling and within our budget. Until I got the phone call. Mr D couldn’t get off one day flat bang in the middle of what would have been our Hong Kong trip. CUNTS! For the rest of the day I decided everybody was cunts! I even wrote a nice little poster with just the word CUNT and put it above my desk. I went for a angry lunchtime swim where I swam probably harder and faster than I ever have done before. I was just angry and swimming. I was absolutely shattered after 15 minutes!! And a little calmer.

Fucking Hong Kong CUNTS!!

I ate a box of mikado. 11 calories a stick there just so easy just to pop into your mouth and then a whole box had gone! How many are in a box?! Crap. I need to stop with the snacking. I don’t know how people in office jobs cope!! Snacks are just part of the routine. Bit of typing, little snack.

That evening my work amigo Minge tried to convince me that the Head teacher had walked in and seen my CUNT poster and I was now in the shit! And she very nearly convinced me. She said this was to get us back for the rude pictures we took on her phone. IT WASNT MY HAIRY ARSE CRACK!!

Wednesday 19^th February

Another day in the office. Good intentions started with a round of beans on toast for the team but this is okay. I said it was okay but I know toast at work is never good and I can fool myself as much as I want but uncut bread I bought for 11p is not going to be the same as a thin sliced number. Even writing this makes me drool a little.  A slice of warm buttered toast is one of the most tempting things there is. The smell just arouses the nostrils. Toast. Simple but amazing.

I hit triple challenge again with Big Mama. She wasn’t quite as vile as last time. I’m thinking maybe she was hungover on the Saturday. The class was good. Theres a regular bird on the front row who is small and very round and she works her arse off. I’m impressed with her. Us fat birds can work hard! but why does she below add a turn here. Add a extra turn. Why? What does turning do but make you dizzy? is adding a extra turn going to make me thin?? Well if thats what Big Mamas secret is it obviously don't fucking work!!

Went to my mums for tea tonight. I came organised and took round a good quality sausage casserole full of veggies and lentils and goodness. I love to cook and think this does tend to keep on track alot. Since trying to eat ‘clean’ I have been eating some new ingredients like quinoa which we now eat regularly. Last week I roasted jersulum artichoke tasted like horse shit.

Thursday 20^th February

Day 4 in the office and though its nice to catch up with my team and have a giggle office life just isn’t for me! Its just fucking boring!! I know I moan that people piss me off alot and when I get a smack in the face, called a fuckin fat bitch or a glass of orange juice chucked on me at at 9am and end up sticky and gross all day.

Its expensive this eating clean shit! Cocunut oil, cashunut butter, naked bars, organic nuts, quinoea, fancy lentils and bulgar wheat. Can I just ask for these for my birthday? I no its not your usual present but you could dress it up in a nice hamper with a bow. Oo and I would like some kettle bells. What am I turning into wanting fitness goodies for my birthday?! Next I’ll be getting rid of my juke box and getting a tread mill there instead Ha ha no fucking way.

Everybodies talking about my birthday and its less than a month now until my party. I was hoping I would be 2 stone lighter to be honest I’m not even sure if I’m one stone lighter.  I’m feeling better and making changes in my eating for life. I’m nearly fucking 30. Fat, ginger and 30 bloody hell good job I’m not on the shelf. I want to be getting thinner as a hit my 30s. Mr D is 26 nice young bit of totty! Anyway all my faves at work are talking about there outfits and so are my family so its important I smash my outfit and most important that I fit in it!!

Friday 21^st February

ROAD TRIP TIME!!! We’d been really looking forward to going to London today and set off early. Took a picnic to take with us starting off with cashnut butter bagels for breakfast. My plan was its treat night but I want to spread that across the weekend. Not go crazy but to enjoy my weekend away and eating out. Not a bad start though I did have a sausage roll, not so good! But we walked miles and miles doing all geeky sight seeing. Big Ben, Tower of London, the London eye. Obviously with all the walking we got a bit of a thirst on so had to nip to the pub for a swift pint. Mmm lager and blackcurrent its been a while! Back at the hotel in true holiday form me and Mr D decided to do shots before we went down for dinner. Now shots of wine arn’t the best choice and many more later we went for grub. Mr D ordered a mushroom and goats cheese burger. When he took a few bites in he realised it was simply a mushroom and a piece of cheese. It doesn’t just take a fat bird to know that that is no ‘burger’ but the stupid young prick of a bar man couldn’t understand this and thought he would be mocked if he took this back to the kitchen. Fucking prick. The Mr had to snack crisp butties in the room instead.

Saturday 22^nd February

Woke up feeling a tiny bit tender. I’d been tossing and turning since 5am not suprising I’d had plenty of sleep passing out pissed off with the bar man and rather inebriated at about 9.30 pm lol. Stuck to my plan and had a good healthy breakfast of eggs and mushrooms and we went off for another days adventures. Unfortunately in full holiday mode I came across a choice. Do I try and be good or do I think fuck it and enjoy my holiday and enjoy my food. Of course I went for the latter. Starting with the chocolate pastry part of some of the goodies I took from breakfast time. We had fun and we indulged on street food at Camden eating lunch at 1pm and then eating our dinner only a few hours later because the food there was so good. I lovely juicy ostrich burger and little fried potatoes. We tried a variety of things all amazingly good. The puddings also looked amazing but there was no room for pudding even in its chocolatey goodness. We headed to Leicester Square in the evening after a few cheeky beverages and at last minute got tickets to see a show. Turned out to be pretty posh but unfortunately as I sipped my £8 a glass of wine I was approached by a elder lady who politely pointed out I had my dress tucked in my knickers. Bastard!