Boot camp begins..

Sunday 4^th January

I was feeling apprehensive about my first boot camp session with the personal trainer as I approached a gym I’d not been to before. I’m not very good when I’m out of my comfort zone I don’t really like meeting new people or making friends which people might be surprised to know as I am a outgoing person. I just don’t like new people. The room was half full of the people I’d expect to see using a personal trainer size 10s tanned in their lycra Nike matching outfits moaning that they’d put a few pounds on over Christmas. Personally they looked fine well they looked fantastic and defiantly don’t need a boot camp! Then there was a few others dressed in their baggy Primark tops looking a little rounder. Anyone over a size 12 has to opt for a baggy t shirt this is nothing attractive about trying to squeeze in any gym clothing made by Nike or adiadas when a xl is a size 12! 

I was defiantly the fattest there. I enjoyed it I worked hard and worked out bits I wouldn’t normally work. I was red and sweaty and minging. Glad I could not see a mirror! She gave us a pack to write down our food and I left feeling knackered but good.

Went to mum for Sunday dinner. She’d made swede mash for me as she knew I couldn’t eat a spud which is nice. At the end she realised she forgot to serve up the Yorkshire puddings so everybody sat around eating on gravy filled mini Yorkshire. Just before I was about to put it in my mouth my fella kindly said to me ‘should you be eating that’ I hadn’t even thought about not eating Yorkshire pudding. BOLLOCKS! He was right. I handed him my Yorkshire and stormed off in to the front room. Genuinely pissed off for at least half an hour. Bastard Yorkshire puddings!

Monday 5^th January

Fucking hell do I hurt today. Everything hurts. Can I just go back to bed?!  Oh no I need to go to my class!!

The class was full I could barely even lift my arms and I could see people from yesterdays bootcamp jumping around and shaking their thing like they don’t hurt at all!! But I kept pushing, kept shaking everything I could as much as possible!! Left fully knackered but feeling good. Feeling motivated!!

Tuesday 6^th January

Fuck, shit bollocks I went and gave in to some bloody chocolate caramel shortbread!! I’ve been so good but supporting a cooking lesson was just too hard!! It smelt so yummy and it was 11am just the right time for a little snack a roo! And it was good the buttery caramely chocolately goodness!! But I now I feel crap. I didn’t even have that much but I’m so annoyed at myself for it. Once I give in the cracks start appearing!! I will not do this!! No cracks I’m getting straight back on and going for a swim to try and swim it off.

How many lengths do you reckon I need to do to swim it off?? Hmm

Wednesday 7^th January

Still feeling motivated!! Feeling pretty damn good actually! And I made it to my favourite class. My favourite class is run by Kat the same lady that runs the boot camp. She’s a pint sized super fit lady that weighs about the same as my right thigh. She’s amazing and I think if anyone is going to get me thin it will be her! Her classes are fun and high impact all done through dance. She’s up beat positive and I genuinely want to go to her classes. The class is a good mix. There are the regulars. The token camp guy at the front with his neat groomed eyebrows and all round tan. He loves nothing more than to add extra moves like he’s dancing in a salsa bar on a Friday night. Watching every move in the mirror. Flamboyant and fabulous. Then there’s the mature ex dancer lady with buns of steel. Takes every move seriously making sure every movement is perfect. I imagine she’s got stories of how she nearly made it. There’s the bouncy Chinese lady who’s super fit and always gives it 110% in her luminous yellow vest. Should you wear illumines colours if your over 14? And there are the 2 elderly ladies, one with her blonde hair extensions and high top trainers the other in her zumba vest. Both go to the gym a few times a day asking the young gym instructors about how their family are and what their up to this weekend. I’m not sure if they ever leave the building. Maybe they live in the basement. Then there’s just a mixed bag of all shapes and size. All abilities A few teenagers with their toned stomach cropped tops and hot pants on!. Even a man with one leg!( who keeps up just as well as everybody else) Now I’ve been going to these classes with these people on and off for years and strangely enough I’m not a talker. I don’t mingle but these regulars I’ve explained may seem a certain way at first glance but they are a very friendly bunch. They often make the effort to smile or have a little chit chat if I’m waiting on my own. It’s a nice little exercising community.

Thursday 8^th January

Hit a massive low tonight. My birthday skirt has arrived and it doesn’t fit. I knew it when I looked at it. Wishful thinking that I could squeeze in to it and I tried! I’m always in between sizes that’s why internet shopping is risky. Why can you fit in one size in one shop and then not fit in it at all in another shop? Sometimes not even close!!

I feel crap and emotional. Really upset just over a skirt. Sometimes it can just take a little thing to throw you and make you feel so crap. It’s hard to describe these days where sometimes my weight can make me feel so shity and other days it doesn’t really bother you.

Today I feel horrible.

Friday 9^th January

This morning I woke up less bloated I actually felt thinner. I thought bugger it I’m trying on the skirt again! And it bloody fit! Zip all the way to the top and everything!! Don’t get me wrong it is snug and I’ve still got a way to go before I try it on but I felt good. Maybe the morning bedroom exercise helped ;)

Friday night is treat night. My personal trainer told us its important to have treat night. Anything you’ve fancied all week, have on treat night. She actually said we can have a treat day if we wanted but I’m pretty sure stuffing my face with crisps and chocolate all day would not be helpful! She also said don’t crazy which is the bit I need to focus on. Self control is not something I’m good at.  We’d been talking about it all week what we were going to have for treat night and after many thoughts of pizza and kebab we decided on Chinese. A nice Chinese take away watching the season finale of breaking bad. Cracking night!!

Saturday 10^th January

Feeling a little guilty after last night’s Chinese (which may have been on the border line of stuffing my face) I opted for a morning power walk. Well my plan was to power walk!! The park was crazily muddy so every time I tried to pick up pace I skidded around everywhere so I just tried to do lots of walking without falling on my face!! A couple jogged past me. How are they jogging?

I how are they not skidding around like me? Pah stupid joggers.

Getting back on it

2nd January 2014

My last day off before going back to work and I didn't have any excuses not to go to a exercise class.
Body Attack was the only thing on this morning so I went along and was greeted but a beef cake tribal tattooed 60 year old lady and a room full of regulars. I'm not sure any of these people had seen any yule log and cream or boxes of celebrations over the festive period. These are clearly ladies of leisure who spend their mornings exercising and then do a lunch of lettuce leaves. Apart from a guy in a Jessie J t-shirt who looked like he was out of the programme 'The Dectectives' (remember that? not Jasper Carrot the curly haired man)
The class it self wasn't too bad the instructor kept checking I was okay but I kept up fine and didn't take any easy options. Though the double lunge tuck was more like something a gymnast might do then a over weight bird with big boobs. My boobs did actually hit me in the face at one point even with my super sports bra!
The downside was the music. Some happy house dance rubbish! I don't understand whilst so many exercise classes have to be to this awful music. I have a pretty eclectic taste and would be happy with a good cheesey pop classic or a indie rock one. I'd be much happy working out to some All American Rejects or some Lady Ga Ga. At one point they played 'Poison' but some weird upbeat number! Whats wrong with the Alice Cooper version? I was pleased when a Bastille song started but then it kicked in to some weird dance version!
Is there a market for rock exercise classes??! I'm sure I'd work harder!!

All in all not bad. Pleased I did it even though my arse is feeling a bit achy!!

3rd January 2014

Armed with my healthy lunch  and very large apple I headed back to work. The kids aren't back in until next week so just a day of catching up with paper work. This is often where the munching happens and when I went into the staff kitchen there was a big box of celebrations on the side! I closed the tin and put my apple on top! Fuck you celebrations!!
My abs are starting to ache today from yesterdays work out, I got through most of the day fine until about 3pm when the celebrations starting calling me. Firstly two swirly twirly Carmel nutty goodness just popped in when going in for a drink. Then when my colleague sat munching his way through a small pile on the desk two more snook in to my mouth. Bollocks I was feeling pretty pissed off that I'd given in already but did the right thing and decided to go and swim it off after work.
I swam for 30 minutes, is that enough to work off four celebrations?? I'm not sure. I nearly gave up after 10 minutes as I found my self swimming behind a old smelly man that seemed to leave a aroma of cigarette's in the water in front of me and even when I moved I couldn't seem to get away from the smell. Wouldn't water wash away the smell? eww smelly old fag man. It felt like I'd been on 40 a day!

4th Jan 2014

Fuck you Christmas over indulgence I lost 7lb this week ooosshhhhhhh!!!

Diary entry one.. here goes

27^th December 2013

You fat fucking bitch! I can’t believe you’d let yourself put on so much weight AGAIN!!!

That's over 2 stone since I last weighed myself in the summer! That must be at least a stone over the Christmas period. Was that chocolate sponge and custard you shovelled in your mouth at my bessies earlier worth it?!I actually feel sick!! I don’t even want to eat anymore crap but with only a few days until my diet starts I need to cram in all my favourite things in the same week. I know this won’t help but I cant help but do it every single time! I will shovel every bit of cheese and chocolate left over from Christmas before it begins and maybe a pizza and some curry too.

Hmm but I was wearing my coat and shoes when I weighed myself, that’s got to be half a stone? Her scales are probably crap anyway so maybe I’m not that heavy. Maybe a stone lighter than that. That's not so bad.

November 30th I went to the fellas Christmas do in a nice red dress. I felt good. Why can't I just remember how good that feeling felt?! Instead I have spent December eating what I want, drinking what I want and now I am extra gross!!

28^th December 2013

Boots has confirmed it. Bastard boots scales! Bloody hell I’m gross. I should have known. My coat only just seems to be doing up over my belly. Its gaping, my bag strap can just cover it. That's fine my bag can cover it and it will look fine. That's it, I'm not waiting any longer I'm not waiting for New Years Day to 'start a fresh, get thin for 2014' Ugh I say the same thing every year. I'm starting tomorrow!! First I will go home and eat all my favourite things starting with those peanut m and ms I bought someone for Christmas and forgot to give them and then curry for tea... with a big fat nan bread!! and then that's it tomorrow is a new day a new me.

Managed to squeeze in 2 little Thornton's chocolates and a Baily's as my last treat. I don't even like Baily's?! what am I doing?!

Do people do that? Fill there selves full of their favourite things the day before/week before/ month before you know your going to go on a health kick/diet? Probably how I've managed to put a stone on in the last few weeks.

29th December 2013

Right here goes. Think thin as it says in big letters on my fridge!! I am not going to let myself get up to this weight again!! Cheese, chocolate and any other goodies in the bin! Cooked a nice healthy breakfast for me and the fella then off for a swim! I'm lucky he wants to shift a few pounds too. In the last 6 months since we've been together hes put on a stone. Hes tall so you can't really tell. His family poke at it. I'm sure people are thinking 'thats what happens when you date a fat bird' Well were both getting fit now so you can all sod off!!

We went home and had a large chicken salad and it was pretty good even without a big fat cob on the side. Now I know how to eat healthy. I've done every diet going. I'm not stupid! Yes I am well aware losing weight is easy 'eat less, exercise more' YAWN! yes I fucking know!! but some of us in this life are foodies. We like our grub and seem to put on weight easily. Yes I know all you skinnies will think that's rubbish but do you know what 'fuck off' I'm not interested in people telling me where I go wrong! I know where I go wrong. I have to eat healthy all the time or I put on weight. Simple. Or not so simple if you want to lead a normal life and go out for a pizza with your friends. Only I can do this and I need to change for life.

31st December 2013

So far so good. A couple of days of exercise and healthy eating. Already I feel better. Can I weigh myself again yet?! I don't even feel too bad in the swimsuit. It is my favourite one that holds me quite well and shows off the bust. Always my best plan. As long as the bust looks good people will not notice the other bad bits as much. Now don't get my wrong I'm not some tart that just has her boobs out all the time but a cheeky bit of cleavage sometimes helps the confidence. I've watched enough Gok, Trinny and Suzannah and how ever else to know what to wear to flatter my figure and I think I do a good job of it. I can look alright for a fat bird but I don't want to look alright for a fat bird. I want to look in the mirror and be happy. I don't think I have ever done that.

Tonight we went for a all you can eat Chinese and we tried. Not as hard as we could have but didn't completely mess up either. I did not give in to chicken balls or chips and had lovely fresh food from the tapanyaki. Still ate too much of the 'good stuff' we went out for a few more drinks and then went home because we were full and just could not be bothered to drink. This is our problem we are content. Happy New year snuggled in our pj's just how we like it :)

1st January 2014

I am a fat bird turning 30 and I admit I am a yo yo dieter.

A new year. A new me. I'm writing this blog for me  and for people that may understand some of the same things that I go through. I don't want abuse, I don't want advice. I just want to let everything out and hope a few people will understand my journey.