Back to being fat!!

I stopped doing my blog as my laptop broke and it took a while to sort it out. Now I don’t know where to begin again. So much has happened in the last couple of months and thrown me in to a roller coaster.  The personal trainer sessions came to a end because of the others work commitments which was sad but I felt it was time. Work spiralled out of control. The Head Teacher was completly unhinged. No people skills, if your face fitted you were fine. If she didn’t like you then you were fucked. As soon as my complaint went in about her lying about me she would go out of her way to blank me and ignore me. She held back my expenses and would cancel activities I organised.  My stress levels were high and exercising went out the window. I was working hard and being treated awfully the stress started getting on top of me and effecting my personal life. All I wanted to do was go home and stay there which stopped me going to my classes. People around me started worrying about me so I went to the doctors. She confirmed that mainly work but also my ongoing weight issues are really getting me down and referred me to a mental health service. Me a strong confident woman referred to see a therapist?! I couldn’t get my head round it and hated having to admit it. I am I offically crazy?

The mental Health Service contacted me by letter and asked me what service I wanted. I don’t bloody know what service I want?! Aren’t they supposed to be telling me the answers? Definatley not a good start and surely must put off people that do have any mental health issues? Not that I have.

I managed to get a new job at a school in a residential school. I had to take a money cut and work evenings but I needed to leave. I got the job but unfortunately it wasn’t that simple. The Head Teacher would not tell me what notice I had to give and we she eventually did she told me 3 months (emailed me as she would not speak to me) I was worried my new job would not wait but they were really good. I asked HR about my notice and then received a email from my new boss on a Saturday night  saying I was been let off from my job the following week. I couldn’t believe it had gone from 3 months to 2 weeks. That would have gave me 5 days to say goodbye to my young people which is not enough for them to understand and if I was off site I wouldn’t of even had chance to see my caseload who I have put so much work into. Problems then got worse but she agreed to give me a extra week there to sort everything out but I would lose all my holidays. I sent a email to HR asking about losing my holiday. The next morning at 8.30 she called me into her office to tell me ‘because i was making waves she was suspending me with 10 minutes to collect my things’ I was very upset, she shouted at me as I was trying to get my things together ‘You must not talk to any staff and must leave in 10 minutes’ I left in a complete state telling her ‘you’ll go down for this’ I heard nothing for 2 days from HR or my Unison rep. Nobody could give me any answers nobody returned my calls. I sent many emails with evidence and originally they tried to say I was off with gardeners leave and good luck in my new job but there was no way she was going to get away with that. She had already suspended staff for nothing and drove people out it would only be one of my friends next if I didn’t do anything about it so I fought! Mr D was worried that this might send me stress levels over the edge but I knew I had to do it! I wrote a full detailed complaint about the last 6 months and the unfairness of the way people were treated and wouldn’t let them drop it. It worked! They had no choice with 2 staff off suspended with no reasons and lots of lies that she had to go. I refuse to feel sad for what I did because you can’t run a school and treat people like that!

Mr D has been my absolute rock and stood by me when I’ve just wanted to hide under the duvet and not come out to me crying my heart out or being crazily angry that I want to punch sombodies face in! I’m moody at the best of times so it takes a special man with a lot of love and patience to not only stand by me but give me unlimited love and do anything to help me.

We used the time off wisely and me and Mr D took off to Furtventura for a well deserved relaxing break. We drank too much and ate too much. By the end of the week our clothes were tight and I was feeling very fat and bloated! But I did not feel stressed I was so chilled I read 3 books. Everything but my diet seemed to be looking up and things got even better. On a romantic evening stroll on the beach Mr D proposed and I accepted. Time to start my new, get back on the diet and start planning our wedding!!

22/06/14 I’m a failure. My trousers are no longer big they fit just fine. I’m nearly back to where I first started in January.  I don’t feel like I can go back to the classes I once loved because I’m a failure and its obvious by just looking at me. How can I walk back through the doors hiding behind my original baggy gym wear? I havn’t heard from anyone. With facebook updates of ‘don’t be a failure’  and before and after pics of how well people have done in the last 6 months. Thats not me. I’m fat.

Blog is back!! Where the Blog ended...

Sunday 13^th April

We fancied going out for a nice dinner today. We did well last night not to have treat night due to there being many festivities coming up in the holiday ahead but we fancied some nice grub. I wrote on my facebook update ‘Anyone know of anywhere we can eat tonight thats healthy?’ I was hoping for somewhere that did nice steak or chicken and roasted veggies. Someone said ‘just go for some pasta most places have it’ Pasta is probably one of the worse thing I could eat its mostly in creamy sauces and covered in cheese?!!  So I kindly reply ‘I was thinking of somewhere with a nice fish dish or steak’ The next reply was ‘ Stay at home and make yourself a nice salad’ For fucks sake!! Just because I’m trying to watch what I eat I don’t want to stay at home and eat fucking salad!! I would like a social life as well as being healthy!! SOD OFF!!

I’ve been doing good taking Kats advice on the alcohol front and have been avoiding the lovely sugary ciders that are perfect for drinking in beer gardens at this time of year. I went to the Greyhound which do good ale so the Mr was happy, they also do a peach beer which I opted for. A couple of them and a nice brie and beetroot starter (straight down the new white dress!!) and a nice pork and vegetable main. Not too naughty, not a salad. Good night. Home for a bit of game of thrones and reasonably early night in preparation for holiday time!!!

Monday 14^th April

Well were all off on a jolly holiday!! Very exciting after running around all morning finishing packing, getting washing done to dry whilst were away, beds stripped, dog had his herbal tablets! Car packed full of the 10p bread and cobs for BBQ I’d bought cheap on the way home. Picked mum and step dad up put the dog in his special dog tent and off we were on our way!

Had a fabulous holiday with the family. We ate, drank and had a fabulous time!! Didn’t go crazy and eat loads of crap but was naughty on occasions especially with the drinking!

Saturday 19^th April

Mr D is back at work wanted to start as I mean to go on and went to Dance Fit. I really do enjoy the music in this class. Its cheesey and happy. One of the regular songs is ‘Reach’ by S Club 7. You don’t get much cheesier than that. I don’t know if I love it because it reminds me of growing up or all the dance and drama schools I went to or even when I did performing Arts at college. I loved dancing but was never any good at it. Always a bit clumsy, no grace or elegance at all. It also reminds me of wanting to be a red coat. From a child all the way to being  18 all I wanted was to be on stage at a holiday camp. Dancing, singing, presenting and just acting a twat most of the time. Being a kid forever doing the birdie song every night. I nearly did it too. The only reason i went to college was 16 was too young to be a holiday rep. I would have loved to have done it and got offered a few jobs but met a boy and got a job instead. I reckon I would of been damn good at it lol!!

Sunday 20^th April

Woke up at 9am which is late for me, I was tempted to get up and nip to the carboot but it was nice being at home in my own bed and just enjoyed snuggling with the Mr. He even made me breakfast in bed. No easter eggs in our house. Not even a boiled egg and soldiers. Rye bread with healthy peanut butter.  It wasn’t good in fact it was pretty shit but when you have to eat healthy you have to eat some shit sometimes.  After a lazy morning we finally got our arses in gear and finally finished stripping the walls and started painting. We stopped for a salad lunch and then got straight back on it! You know your getting old when you spend your bankholiday weekend doing gardening and DIY instead of a bank holiday bender. (which is what I’d have been doing this time last year!) but I guess theres nothing wrong with getting older. Spending money on a lawn mower and paint is much more worth while!

We went to Mr Ds family for tea. We had a lovely roast and a good natter. They bought up the subject of babies and whether I want any and that his nan had mentioned that she thought I might not want any! Now I know I’m 30 but bloody hell Ive only been with him 10 months. What do I say? Yes I want lots of babies ha ha! I also want to foster and adopt and have every child thats sad and unloved and put them under my roof. Not sure what they’d think of that.

Monday 21^st April

I bloody love Bank Holidays, especially Bank Holiday Monday as working on a Monday sucks ass!! No time for lie in got straight up and starting painting. Then rushed off to wilko for some filler to fill up the holes! How exciting my bank holidays have got?! Made a healthy picnic of chicken salads, humous and carrots and some lemon and coconut milk ‘natural’ pudding (supposed to be £3.75 bought for 25p shame they tasted like baby sick) We went off to Tutbury castle with Mr and Mrs B and little L for a Viking Day I bought on Groupon for all of for a tenner! Maybe I should do a blog on bargain instead of losing weight I’m better at it ha! After picnic and strolling round various stalls and watching Viking pretend to stab each other we seem to find ourselves at the burger tent. Mr D got himself a hotdog with all the trimmings. Mr B got in the queue for a burger then changed his mind as Mrs B reminded him off all the hard work running hes doing at the moment to keep trim. It sounds crazy that my brother who had run 14 miles the previous day and is fit and healthy has the same worries as me. Do I don’t I have a burger? I really wanted one. Mr B had a burger complete with garlic mayo, sweet chilli and ketchup. Were all or nothing kind of people.  Do other people have these dilemmas? Not being particulay hungry and being next to good smelling nice food and just wanting it? Finding it hard to say no when the people standing next to you are filling their faces? Which is exactly what I want to do? Luckily I needed a wee and by the time I got back they were done and the temptation was gone. Me and Mrs B were going to go for a ice cream instead as we figured this would be healthier?! But I wasn’t even bothered about that anymore. Maybe in future if I get tempted I should go for a wee instead! I am cured!

On the way home we popped into sainsburys and I bought of pack of mini skinny cow ice creams. I nearly had 2 but just went for the one on the way back. Feel pretty pleased with myself over this choice. Got back on the decorating and cooked fish and vegetables for tea. I am goooooood J

Tuesday 22^nd April

Started my day back on the porridge and banana which made me feel good. In control. A good start to fill me up for my interview. Did some more swating then put my planned outfit on my black pencil skirt with black peplum top with red cardigan but my top was way too big! Ive not worn in for a few months and its always been a bit big but it was no longer wearable! Whoop! Just as I was debating what to wear I got a text through from Mrs C at work. She’d got my reference sheet through for my interview next Tuesday! Crap in the excitement I’d not checked the date properly it was next week. Off to work i went instead lol. I didn’t want to fall into the half term trap of eating crap. When I walked in our office there was already 3 packs of biscuits on the table curtisy of Cock! Not even shity ones bloody hobnobs! But I persevered and had some grapes, we pottered to sainsburys for lunch and I got some chicken from the chicken counter. Why does  lunch seem some more forfilling when its hot? So I had some chicken without the skin of course with a bit of left over swede mash from yesterday. The afternoon munchies kicked in, the need for something sweet when I’m sat at my desk. How people sit at desks for a living I don’t know I would be huggggggggggee if that was the case. I was organised and bought 100% natural choc+ bag which was very nice. Had little pieces of dried raspberry meringue and little bit of milk chocolate. There must be worse things to snack on? Like less than half price Easter Eggs!!