I used to write a Blog about the ups and downs of a nearly
30 year old trying to lose weight. I wrote it every day for a year but I soon
realised that most things in my life effect if I get thin or not. It quickly
turned into a diary and my whole life was left bare for everyone to read. My
Blog got me into trouble many times. Ruffling feathers at work and people at
the gym which still affects me nearly a year later. If you are easily offended
my Blog or my page are not for you. I like to be honest and talk about things
that effect me. It might be about purple poo or something more serious. I also
found that writing helped me to get things out that I struggle to talk about.
Someone confident with a gob like me, struggle? Yes sometimes it’s the most
confident outgoing people that struggle inside. I’ve decided to start writing a
Blog again today because I am struggling and I hope this may help.
I got married in August to the most amazing, fabulous man I
could ever meet who is my rock. I managed to lose 3 stone and had the most
amazing day. Me being me I even managed to offend people on my big day after
many cocktails which I was still finding out about months later. Do people
really want to try and taint our big day by moaning that the bride was a bit
rude to you and still trying to taint it months later. Get a grip! We then had
the most perfect amazing honeymoon in Thailand where we had a city break in
Bangkok then went in to Elephant Hills glamping where we kayaked, went to a
elephant orphanage and trekked through the jungle. Finishing with a week on a
beach in the most beautiful hotel I’ve stayed in. Perfect holiday. Though my
usual food demons were always there. As I quickly gained weight whilst we were
away and beautiful new clothes I felt confident in just weeks ago wouldn’t fit.
By the end of the holiday even my bras were too tight. Torn between ‘forget it
indulge you only honeymoon once’ and ‘stop being so greedy your undoing all your
hard work and can’t fit in your clothes’
I gained nearly a stone and a half enjoying my summer. Once
back home I tried to not fall in to the post wedding blues by throwing myself
into putting the house on the market. The house has been on the market 6 weeks
now with no offers. We haven’t even had any views in the last 2 weeks. Stupidly
I had believed the Estate Agents when they’d told us a beautiful family home
would sell no problem and even more when she said if we lowered it 5 grand it
would sell in 2 weeks. Well we’ve had one viewing since then so not quite! Were
also thinking about the future and wanting to have a family. This makes it
difficult to plan anything. I can be planning next summer’s trip on safari or
weekend away to Iceland. Equally it means I can’t change my job. The Equal pay
review comes in to place as of January which effects all school support staff across
Derby. I will be losing £3,700 a year which is about £230 a month. Normally I
would be out there like a shot, looking for jobs. Being a good time to get
myself back in the game. A job that pushes me and I feel I’m really good at. My
heart will always lie in helping young people with behaviour struggles and
helping their families. It’s what I’m passionate about and miss. If anyone has
read my original Blogs you’ll know all the reasons and struggles I had leaving
the job I loved. I’m 31 and 7 months old and want a family so I need to stay
where I am and accept it. I also love to write. You may notice I’m dyslexic so
some things may not sound quite right. I try not to let this hold me back and
would like to write a book about my struggles one day.
All these things and the fact every few weeks we find the
perfect house. (The one we saw this week could definitely be the one!) Are
making me struggle to keep my head above water. This weekend I crashed and
burned. I don’t like most people and don’t want to be around others sometimes.Im
very picky about who I like to spend time with and those in my friendship
circle. I don’t like being in large groups of other people and find it awkward.
I wear my heart on my sleeve and am
rubbish at hiding my feelings. I really hate being around people I don’t like
or worse people I know don’t like me as I hate being fake. I hate making small
talk with them and putting on a fake smile. I would rather be on my own. I over
think things and can be kept awake for hours by the most silliest worries. I’m
up and down like a yo,yo. I always have been but as I’ve got older the downs
have got worse and I struggle to control my feelings pushing my most loved ones
away. I’m very lucky to have the most amazing husband, mum and brother as well
as my closest friends who understand and forgive me. They think I’m depressed.
I really don’t like that word. I don’t feel depressed, today I actually feel
fine.
You might be wondering what all this really has to do with
me trying to lose weight. Well that’s the thing when you’re feeling shity all
you want to do is eat ice cream in your pjs! I can’t do that. I write my page
to keep me focussed and all the amazing support I get through my thousands (yes
thousands?!) of followers help me to try and stay on track with my eating and
keep me smiling.
I would like to thank everybody that has helped me along my
journey and the journey I will be on for the rest of my life.
Today I am trying to stay focussed trying to look forward to
things. I look forward to my husband coming home from work, having the day with
my mum tomorrow, spending time with the most amazing niece (Its strange how
when I don’t want to be around people being around my niece is fine), my
brother and sister in law and going to my besties for chip butties after weigh
in on Wednesday. Then there’s Halloween which I love and Christmas which I love
even more.
One thing I am very bad at is apologising. It’s not because I’m
not sorry I just struggle to say it. I am sorry for when I upset people. I am
not sorry if you’re a twat J
